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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit miffed (MiL and Christmas presents)

112 replies

MandatoryMongoose · 19/12/2013 00:46

Just received a box of gifts from MiL, there are 3 gifts for DS (9 months) a card for all of us and a cheque for me and DH. DD (my DD, DH's DSD) doesn't get a gift.
Now I know that DD isn't MiLs biological GC and DD is 14 so also understands this but DD has had to adjust in the past year and a half to me and DH getting married and her brother being born. DD feeling part of the family as much as her brother is very important to us and I think she'd be a little hurt to not get even a token gift when the rest of us do.

AIBU to think MiL was a bit mean or at least very thoughtless?

WIBU to wrap a small gift for DD and claim it's from MiL?

OP posts:
Winniefred · 19/12/2013 12:29

Sorry, but I assume in a reasonable world that a MIL has the balls to accept that their son chose to make a life with you and your daughter, the slight is to your husbands choices and I would be asking him to sort it out asap, before it gets out of hand :) If your husband accepted your daughter the MIL should honour that :)

Poppyhat · 19/12/2013 12:35

Exactly the same situation here op, in 20 years my dd has never received a birthday present ( she was only 5 when I met dh) and only ever received a token present at Christmas ( by token , I mean a small toiletries set) while her two brothers got presents usual up to about £56/60 or so .
I seethed and fumed inside. , but neither myself or dh ever said anything to her .
I think it was because of some misguided pride or something , but I couldn't bring myself to Have to ask for presents ..
I really regret not saying something , and it's way too late to say something now .
My advice would be to nip it in the bud now . Don't allow it to happen again .

5Foot5 · 19/12/2013 13:40

Can you actually have step-nieces and -nephews?

Well I think so! BIL has a DSS who was 12 when we first met him. He has always been included as one of the family and we buy him presents and think of him just the same as our other nephews and neices.

I don't think it is necessarily a generation thing either because PILs are elderly but they still treat him as another grandson and have often arranged outings to have one-to-one time with him to do something age appropriate because he is older than younger siblings.

IsThatTrue · 19/12/2013 14:36

can you actually have step nieces and nephews?

Yes my BIL and SIL have my dd and ds1 (from first marriage) the also have ds2 as a blood nephew. But we do Christmas as a family, visit as a family. Would people really only buy for the blood relations and leave siblings of that blood relation out?

I mean it is different if you don't see these people I suppose but it would never occur to me to leave any child out.

SuperScrimper · 19/12/2013 15:09

I feel a bit sorry for the MIL, it wouldn't occur to be the start buying for a stepchild too, tbh.

The DD will have presents from her own grandparents.

diddl · 19/12/2013 16:02

Was she included in the card?

Will she get something from her paternal GPs?

How is MIL with her when she ses her?

All that said, a small gift would have been a nice gesture.

Original poster
MandatoryMongoose · 19/12/2013 16:13

I think if MiL had just bought for DS that would have been no issue or not bought anything at all would have been fine too - we're not grabby.

It was the gifts for 3 people out of a family of 4 that left me a bit Hmm .

She sent a card for DDs birthday, no gift but I don't have any issue with that.

Fwiw MiL is youngish

OP posts:
SatinSandals · 19/12/2013 16:29

I don't feel in the least sorry for MIL, her DS has 2 children - I don't see how it slipped her notice enough to forget one, or not count one. You can't even give her the excuse of being elderly.

Original poster
MandatoryMongoose · 19/12/2013 16:31

Sorry, trying to respond to everything, it's been a busy day.

Yes DD was included on the card (though not on the card we got from DHs other relatives which I've hidden).

MiL isn't close to either DD or DS, she's met DD maybe 3-4 times in the 5 years DH and I have been together and met DS twice (would only have been once but I took him to visit). We've never been invited to their house and they are usually busy when invited here.

DD will get gifts from her dad and his parents as I mentioned upthread, they've also bought for DS which was very kind of them. I think it's a bit different though because even had they not bought for DS it wouldn't have been 'gifts for the family apart from DS' if that makes sense.

I wouldn't have expected MiL to get DD anything big or even to spend the same as on DS, just a token to acknowledge DD as part of the family would have been nice.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 19/12/2013 17:27

Yanbu that is shit. Dh should advise his mother tat there are two children in te family, or return the gifts for DGS back to her

pigletmania · 19/12/2013 17:32

The relatives cards without dsd name on it shall be binned

BusWanker · 19/12/2013 17:44

If I was buying for my brother for example and his family I would buy all the children in the family a gift, if they are step children, foster children, biological children whatever.
If I had a lot of money I would spend a lot but spend it equally.
If I only had two pound to spend I would them a packet of sweets each from the pound shop!
I would ask the mother in law directly but politely 'Thank you very much for the cheque - Is this for my daughter too?'
See what she says, if it was then that's great. If not its a big hint, if she says she won't buy for you daughter then you and your husband really need to tell her it's unfair.

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2013 19:18

To be honest, MandatoryMongoose the whole relationship seems a bit pointless as you never see each other.

Might as well knock the present-giving on the head. Saves all the anguish.

Original poster
MandatoryMongoose · 19/12/2013 19:42

No presents would be fine by me Nanny and would solve the issue. I think MiL would object to it though.

OP posts:
liquidstate · 19/12/2013 20:59

My stepdads family always went out of their way to buy small presents for me as well as for my half brother (their blood relative). Why can't she just buy a box of chocs for your DD? Not that expensive - my stepnan always buys me toffifee from the pound shop Grin- and will make your DD feel included.

I would include your DD in the cheque gift this year and get your DH to have a word for next year.

SuperScrimper · 19/12/2013 22:03

Why did you want to change her name?

CranberrySaucyJack · 19/12/2013 22:14

I'm not that appalled tbh.

I'm due DD3 in February- who will have a different father to DDs 1&2.

It would be lovely if both sets of paternal grandparents bought presents for ALL of the children- but I certainly won't be expecting or demanding it.

I might feel differently if DDs 1&2 weren't still in contact (and getting presents) with their father's side of the family tho.

HermioneWeasley · 19/12/2013 22:41

Not sure I agree that OP's DH now has 2 children. The DD has a father. If I was the MIL I'd have included something small (a book or a selection box type thing) but I would assume that the DD's grand parents on her father's side would be getting something more substantial.

Different situation if the father was dead or non contact and the DH was the only father figure (and maybe had adopted)

SatinSandals · 19/12/2013 22:45

I can't see why what anyone else is doing is relevant. Her son now has a family of 4 and two children.

SMorgauseBordOfChristmasTat · 20/12/2013 09:22

Niece has married for a second time. She has 2 DDs from her first marriage and 1 DS from her second. Her DH has 1 DS from a previous relationship who spends EOW and 2 weekday nights with them.

I've only met her DSS once, at their wedding. He has a mother and 2 sets of loving grandparents and uncle and aunts who lavish him with presents for his birthday and for Christmas. If all of Dniece's family also bought him presents he'd have far more than the other 3 on Christmas Day, which hardly seems fair.

I don't buy for him and neither do the rest of the extended family we don't see him, we don't know him. The family visit us when they don't have him. if he didn't already have a loving and generous family we may well have thought about it but they don't buy for the 2 girls and that's fine.

Seems perfectly normal to me.

pigletmania · 20/12/2013 09:53

You just don't buy all the family gifts but one, it's unacceptable. Op should say something to MIL, I would tell her tat you will be buying dd a ore sent out of the money from te cheque, as you got everybody else something except one person. This will not e accepted as you are now a family unit

pigletmania · 20/12/2013 09:54

This is the mil, immediate family, op dh miu not some distant Aunt.

pigletmania · 20/12/2013 09:56

At that age I would be really hurt to know mum, stepdad, brother all got something from step grandma except me. What of the dd was 4, would that be acceptable!

DeWe · 20/12/2013 10:10

I can see both sides.

Will your ex-gp buy your ds a gift? Because if they don't then actually your ds ends up a gift short.

I had a friend in the situation. She was the ds here. Her step-sister got presents from all her family who didn't give to the younger one. She also got days out, holidays, little treats etc with them. The "new" family gave equally for both.
She once commented that at Chrismas she had one present to every 5 or 6 her ssis had. her ssis also had two visits to FC with grandparents-the one with the other one was to Lapland. That didn't make for a happy relationship. I don't think they communicated more than a card in years.
If I read the situation correctly, the ssis was actually quite embarrassed about it, and tried to keep my friend from knowing some of the stuff. But the other family did try and make sure she knew too.

But I wouldn't be able to buy for only one in that circumstance, even if it was only a token gift.

pigletmania · 20/12/2013 10:15

A token gift would be fine, teen perfume, Dove toiletry set or £10 New look gift card or something. Not to give to all family members accept her.