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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit miffed (MiL and Christmas presents)

112 replies

MandatoryMongoose · 19/12/2013 00:46

Just received a box of gifts from MiL, there are 3 gifts for DS (9 months) a card for all of us and a cheque for me and DH. DD (my DD, DH's DSD) doesn't get a gift.
Now I know that DD isn't MiLs biological GC and DD is 14 so also understands this but DD has had to adjust in the past year and a half to me and DH getting married and her brother being born. DD feeling part of the family as much as her brother is very important to us and I think she'd be a little hurt to not get even a token gift when the rest of us do.

AIBU to think MiL was a bit mean or at least very thoughtless?

WIBU to wrap a small gift for DD and claim it's from MiL?

OP posts:
SatinSandals · 19/12/2013 07:40

Don't tell any of this to DD, just let her think that MIL included her.

gamerchick · 19/12/2013 07:43

I only buy for the granddaughter I ignore her siblings. There are usually reasons why this happens. Do you get along with your mil in general?

AmandaCooper · 19/12/2013 07:46

I'd worry that resolving it by sharing the cheque only solves the problem if you get a cheque from her every year, otherwise it just defers the problem till next Christmas. Maybe it's not intentional but I remember my grandmother grandly dishing out her gifts for the "children of the blood"
as she called us, then the miserly consolation prize for my poor uncle's dsd, who unlike her two half sisters was not "of the blood".

SatinSandals · 19/12/2013 07:49

I couldn't contemplate not buying for a child's siblings. As a parent I wouldn't allow it. It is mean. The step grandparents in our family treat them the same- and they didn't have to be told, they just realise that we are an 'equal' family. I don't have 'second class' children.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 19/12/2013 07:49

We have the same problem every year, except we don't get a cheque

SatinSandals · 19/12/2013 07:50

If you have the mean ' children of blood' then DH needs to be the one to tell her not to bother.

SatinSandals · 19/12/2013 07:51

As the parent you do not need to allow people to get away with it.

ViviPru · 19/12/2013 07:55

I'm curious to know what happened previous years, too. So DS wasn't around last Christmas, did MIL send a cheque to you and DH that expressly excluded your DD? Is this what she's always done? Perhaps the significance of this went under your radar as you were pregnant and there were no gifts to a biological gdc to emphasise the unfairness.

If so, it's still not on but it's easier to see why she's done what she has this year as precedents have already been set. Perhaps she just assumes that, as in previous years, you will share the cheque as you see fit with DD...

angeltattoo · 19/12/2013 07:55

Absolutely disgusting behaviour.

Your DH needs to ring her, ask if she forgot to include a gift, if she says no, send them all back.

OP, please do not accept your DS's gifts. What a spiteful cow. Only the nastiest of people would deliberately exclude a child.

As for 'i wouldn't know what to buy a 14 year old girl' like being a 14 yr old girl is a crime eh? What the chuff has that got to do with anything? I never know what to buy for most of my family or friends, but I still buy for them FFS.

ICanSeeTheSeaFromHere · 19/12/2013 07:59

I simply would not stand for it. My three children have a one for all and all for one attitude and I am rather proud of their team mentality.

I would spend the money on DD.

lapetitesiren · 19/12/2013 07:59

Does she usually buy presents for anyone or does she send a cheque. Is it possible theres no harm meant but just that shes collected a few cute baby things when shes seen them and then wrapped then for christmas. At 14 she might not realise shes not a grown up ( I ' ve reached the point in life where I meet responsible people doing important jobs and think they don' t look old enough to be out of school) you loose perspective a bit when everyone looks young!
If theres not any obvious resentment otherwise yoy might be reading malice thats not intended. Explain your worry that dd wil be upset on the day and suggest you get x that you know shevwants out of mil money on her behalf. If shes not reasonable at that point then you know where you are but don' t create theproblem yourself by going off all guns blazing

blahe · 19/12/2013 08:02

Does your DD other biological GP by for your son?

blahe · 19/12/2013 08:02

Buy not by!

gamerchick · 19/12/2013 08:03

If its bothering you that much then your husband needs to bring it up.

SatinSandals · 19/12/2013 08:06

Does that mean it shouldn't 'bother her'? Surely any parent would be 'bothered' if a grandparent treats their children differently? DH must be upset to have 2 children and only one that counts.

Pancakeflipper · 19/12/2013 08:06

What has your husband said? Does MIL always exclude her?

gamerchick · 19/12/2013 08:10

Well I wouldn't care personally. If it's important then the dad should tell his mother from the offset.

Maybe she's assumed that the step siblings are being spoilt by their bio grandparents. Maybe she just didn't think.

Or maybe there's an underlying problem that could do with airing.

Nathaydn · 19/12/2013 08:12

If that was me I'd pay postage send it back with a letter that saying we are a family me,dh,dd,an baby. If you cant buy a present for all of us you dont send any of gifts. My child will never feel second best from anyone for decision I made.

Vatta · 19/12/2013 08:27

Just to give the benefit of the doubt, is it possible the mil meant the cheque for DH, op, and the dd, but didn't address it to the dd as a 14yr old wouldn't have a bank account to cash it? I think I would just assume that's what she meant, unless there's a history of deliberately excluding dd?

gimcrack · 19/12/2013 08:32

The cheque's for all three of you. If in doubt, get DH to ask. If it wasn't intended this way, make it this way and DH needs to have a word.

JustAnotherChristmasBauble · 19/12/2013 08:44

My "step nan" really despised me but I still got a fiver in a card.

magesticmallow · 19/12/2013 08:47

Gamerchick it doesn't matter what issues there are you do not exclude a child - it is that simple, there are no excuses or reasons, you do not send gifts for 3 to a house of 4!

Maybe83 · 19/12/2013 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WaitMonkey · 19/12/2013 09:15

What happened last year ?

Perfectlypurple · 19/12/2013 09:15

My mum and dad spend exactly the same on my sd as they do on the other kids. Excluding a child is cruel.