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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my 14-year-old stepDD really should be able to take the bus/train on her own to visit us?

418 replies

cinnamontoast · 18/12/2013 21:35

DH complains about having to drive a round trip of nearly 400 miles in the school holidays to bring her down to visit, but won't contemplate her using public transport. At her age I was happily getting the train on my own to visit relatives at the other end of the country - and I didn't have a mobile. Surely learning to travel independently is an important life skill?

OP posts:

KittensoftPuppydog · 19/12/2013 07:38

I was traveling alone on trains from the age of 6-7. I quite enjoyed it. Maybe that is a little too young, but I think you're in danger of raising a generation of pussies.

fortyplus · 19/12/2013 07:41

Surely the thing to do is for the dad to travel down on the train the first time and make the return journey together? To reassure and check that she feels confident. Most 14 year olds would be fine with this but for the first time it would be good to be accompanied.

stickysausages · 19/12/2013 07:50

Train sounds reasonable, however dad should go down & travel with her 1st time. As a DSD, I'd hate to feel like such an inconvenience though :(

paxtecum · 19/12/2013 07:51

The Dad should go by train to collect the DD and take her back.
Far less tiring than driving.

OP: Maybe if she was your DD you would think differently.

Inthequietcoach · 19/12/2013 08:03

If your DH does not want his DD on public transport for what, four hours, alone, then that is his decision. It is not your job to sort the issue if he is complaining about it. For all his faults, my stbxh has crossed the Atlantic to get his DD, and driven similar distances. His contact, his responsibility, he always met it.

pixiepotter · 19/12/2013 08:18

I don't know.If anything goes wrong 200miles away is a long way for a child to be.There are many things that can go wrong- a missed or cancerlled connection and having to sit about long hours in a railway station-or even overnight.,being hassled/mugged on the train/ railway station, falling ill.
completely different to travelling as an UM or catching the train to school!

larrygrylls · 19/12/2013 08:22

"Learning to travel independently is important - but 400 miles alone on a train at 14?
I think it is still a bit too young."

Really?! I went on a French exchange aged 13-14 and travelled all the way to the French alps on my own from London, including a change at Paris. This was way before the age of mobiles.. Surely sitting on one train for a couple of hours is not such a big deal? I don't really understand why teenagers are infantilised these days.

ivykaty44 · 19/12/2013 08:25

in two years time this girl can legally get married and have children, getting on a train seems a simple task in comparison to those milestones and needs a very lot less maturity

friday16 · 19/12/2013 08:26

a missed or cancerlled connection and having to sit about long hours in a railway station-or even overnight.

Do people actually travel by train?

The rules on cancellation of the last train means that the TOC has to arrange a taxi, even if that's for a hundred miles. Like everything in life, it occasionally goes wrong, and those are the stories you hear. But cars crash, too: it's not as though 800 miles of driving (which is what the OP's partner is going to do) is a risk-free endeavour, either.

And realistically, is a child making a three hour journey to their parents' house for Christmas going to be travelling in any situation where this could remotely arise? They'll leave at 10am, and be where they're going by 1pm (2pm, maybe, with a stop for lunch). If it all turns to shit, the OP's husband can get in his car and drive and collect her while she has an agreeable meal in middle-class McDonalds Nandos. Well, assuming she can avoid being abducted and murdered before she's put the little wooden cockerel thing into the holder.

pixiepotter · 19/12/2013 08:28

'Really?! I went on a French exchange aged 13-14 and travelled all the way to the French alps on my own from London, including a change at Paris'

I never understand why people post things like this.
Because a posters parents did something neglectful it doesn't automatically mean it is a good idea.

larrygrylls · 19/12/2013 08:30

Pixie,

Because it was not "neglectful", it was imbuing resilience. Some risks are essential in life and it is people who believe this kind of thing is "neglectful" who are actually harming their children by creating a negative and scared attitude to normal life and risks.

NigellasDealer · 19/12/2013 08:31

It is not 'neglectful' pixie it is normal, and i do not understand this passive aggressive thing of writing something and crossing it out.
honestly the hoo haa on this thread about a fourteen year old undertaking a train journey is totally un-fucking-believable.

pixiepotter · 19/12/2013 08:31

on the other hand she will not be allowed to order a glass of wine or place a bet or vote in an election for another 4 years

NigellasDealer · 19/12/2013 08:32

but at 16 she could get married or join the armed forces.....

pixiepotter · 19/12/2013 08:34

sending a 13 yo to the French alps alone on a train is neglectful IMO

SuburbanRhonda · 19/12/2013 08:35

Just skim-read this (couldn't bear to read another story about 10-year-old Tarquin sailing single-handed around the world with only a packet of crisps and a penny whistle to keep him going), but has the OP's DH found out what his DD's mother thinks of the idea?

NigellasDealer · 19/12/2013 08:36

sending a 13 yo to the French alps alone on a train is neglectful IMO
well at least you typed it out clearly this time instead of putting a creepy wee line through it.

brettgirl2 · 19/12/2013 08:37

How ridiculous some of the posts are:
How can she get the train with 2 suitcases (if she visits for a weekend presumably well keep some stuff for her there to minimise luggage....)
DF should be grateful she wants to see him (even if it does mean driving 800 miles and as a result be too tired to do anything else for the whole weekend). neglectful father, tut tut.
New Street station omg similar to the Bermuda Triangle Its actually easier to negotiate than many others, lots of screens and platforms in a straight, numerically constant line, irrelevant anyway if she can get a direct train.

No one has even mentioned that the young lady in question may like to be treated as a young adult rather than a five year old..... Has anyone asked her what she thinks????

AskBasilAboutCranberrySauce · 19/12/2013 08:43

"Some risks in life are essential"

Yes, but they don't all have to be taken at the same time in the same way just because a bunch of randoms on the internet imply that if your kids aren't taken them, it's because you are helicopter parenting. Doing a 200 mile journey by yourself at 14 isn't actually essential. It might be desirable for some kids and it might be a nightmare for other kids. It's not essential for anyone, it can wait until the kid is actually ready and happy to do it.

Really, this thread is awful. People accusing other people of neglect or mollycoddling depending on which side of the fence they are. How about it's parenting according to your own priorities and your child's development and there's no need to insult other parents because their priorities and their children are different from your's? Might that be an idea?

saintlyjimjams · 19/12/2013 08:44

What does the 14 year old think?

If she's happy to do it then I don't see the problem. If she's nervous then she could be taught in stages, either by being accompanied or being met before a change was needed. I used to love travelling by train by myself as a teen.

It's not all that hard or scary in the mobile phone era. Ds2 (11) had his first after school trip with mates into town yesterday. He couldn't find his bus home because they've recently changed the stops so he rang me & I told him where to look & some potential buses to try. He arrived home in one piece. Life skills innit.

Moltobene · 19/12/2013 08:48

I'm a stepdaughter and IME these relationships can be fraught. I think it's nice that your DSD is collected by her dad, even if not strictly necessary. As others have said it could be a special catch up time for them if they don't get to hang out just the two of them that much.
Why not just let him and his daughter (and her mum) decide what's the most appropriate for her?

Depends on your relationship with your DSD obviously but There is a risk (whatever your true motivation) that if you initiate arguing for 'less' of whatever it is she usually is given by her dad, that this will be interpreted as you being begrudging of her dad's time and effort. It's important that what you argue for isn't seen as setting up some kind of competition or there could be trouble for everyone.

BerniceBroadside · 19/12/2013 08:48

I did it from about 10 or 11, sometimes with a younger sibling. If it's a straightforward journey it's not a massive deal. Put child on train, they read a book for a few hours, parent meets them at the other end.

Plenty of children and teenagers go to school by bus and train without incident.

Assuming of course the sd is happy to give it a whirl.

cory · 19/12/2013 09:00

Acquiring life skills is a great thing and 14 might well be a good age.

Otoh it is also a good age for the adults in your life to make a bit of extra effort from time to time, particularly if they don't spend that much time together.

Personally I think the first attempts at things like this work best when the teens themselves want to set out on an adventure/become independent.

My 13yo travelled alone to Sweden in the summer. Absolutely fine, nobody was in the least worried. But then he wanted to go, he knew it was not about saving us trouble but about allowing him to go on this trip.

I would speak to this teen and see how she feels about it. Would it make her feel grown up and adventurous or a bit of a nuisance? Both scenarios are possible, you aren't going to know until you ask.

MrsSchadenfreude · 19/12/2013 09:00

If she's happy to do it, and her Dad goes to collect her and do the journey with her the first time, yes, why not?

But I am of the generation that happily travelled alone from London to Cornwall in the school holidays from age 10, and was one of those gaily waved off onto the boat train at Victoria, age 15, to make my way to Alsace for a French exchange for 6 weeks, in the days without mobile phones.

From the age of 14, DD1 has been getting herself home from school and back at the weekends - bus, short train journey and another bus journey or walk, without any difficulty. Although some of her friends have been quite incredulous that she is allowed to do this on her own.

nauticant · 19/12/2013 09:08

If she travels by herself in a reserved seat, would it be reasonable for her to be moved to enable a family to sit together?

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