Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my 14-year-old stepDD really should be able to take the bus/train on her own to visit us?

418 replies

cinnamontoast · 18/12/2013 21:35

DH complains about having to drive a round trip of nearly 400 miles in the school holidays to bring her down to visit, but won't contemplate her using public transport. At her age I was happily getting the train on my own to visit relatives at the other end of the country - and I didn't have a mobile. Surely learning to travel independently is an important life skill?

OP posts:
Mattissy · 19/12/2013 09:08

Doesn't matter if it's direct or not, it's only a change which can be planned and accounted for. I was doing it at younger than 14.

My dsd is 14, she's more than capable if getting herself on a much more complex journey, tbf so could my 12 yo ds.

friday16 · 19/12/2013 09:12

If she travels by herself in a reserved seat, would it be reasonable for her to be moved to enable a family to sit together?

What?

Moved by whom?

If you have a seat reservation, you have a seat reservation. If said family wanted reservations, they should have got themselves reservations.

Fleta · 19/12/2013 09:12

Totally depends on the 14 year old. At 14 I would have been happy to do it, on the other hand my sister was painfully, painfully shy and suffered from anxiety - she couldn't have done it.

If she's not happy doing it then don't make her - it is her father's responsibility as a parent to get her.

hackmum · 19/12/2013 09:14

I think a train journey is a reasonable thing to do alone at 14, though the first time is always hard! My DD is 14, and a few months ago she travelled on her own between Paddington and Cardiff - a two hour journey. I waved her off at the station, and she was met at the other end. It was all very safe, and of course from their point of view it's quite exciting to be doing something on their own.

Changing trains can be hard, particularly somewhere busy like Birmingham New Street, but there's a first time for everything. And these days at least we have mobile phones so she can call if anything goes wrong.

FrauMoose · 19/12/2013 09:15

I think some of this is about the dynamics of being the child of a marriage that has ended. As with so many things there are two schools of thought.

  1. Your parents are no longer together. This means your life is a bit more complicated and as a result you will need to cope with some things, that other children of your age - whose parents are together - are not necessarily doing. This might be tough in some ways, but will have benefits in others.

  2. Your parents are no longer together. This means we must be extra-protective and extra-supportive and demonstrate this protection and support for you even more than parents who are still married to each other do. That you will feel completely reassured that whatever has happened you are and will always be be Dad's (and/or Mum's) most precious baby

AskBasilAboutCranberrySauce · 19/12/2013 09:16

Again, it doesn't matter what you or I or our children could do at this age.

The thing that matters in this, is how the child herself feels about it.

That really ought to be the only determinant in this case.

Her view (and that of her resident parent, who is legally responsible for her welfare) aren't available to us because the OP hasn't actually communicated with them about it.

If she had, we could all have a lovely day critiquing why they're wrong. Grin

AskBasilAboutCranberrySauce · 19/12/2013 09:17

Yes good post FrauMoose.

And those 2 schools of thought are not necessarily mutually exclusive are they? You can switch between them depending on age, risk, priority etc.

muddylettuce · 19/12/2013 09:19

At 14 I was getting the train by myself to and from school, roughly two hours. I was also getting the cross channel ferry with another slightly older friend to visit my parents in school holidays. It's a long journey by herself though, would be dull so perhaps that's what he means. I wouldn't stress, in another year she'll probably ask to do it herself. I thought I was so grown up at 15 and thought my parents were well sad

Boredandfridgegazing · 19/12/2013 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sooperdooper · 19/12/2013 09:22

It actually worries me that some people find this such an outlandish or unacceptable thing for a 14 year old to be capable of, how on earth are these young people going to become confident adults if something as simple as sitting in a seat in a train, reading the many information boards or asking for help at an information desk at the age of 14 is seen as beyond their capabilities

sooperdooper · 19/12/2013 09:26

Boredandfridgegazing, that's awful, but I did a similar journey, at the same age while at uni and never encountered any issues whatsoever, as did many friends and I've never heard of anyone having repeated similar problems, we're they reported, was it the same person?

FrauMoose · 19/12/2013 09:28

Not completely sure about the 'leave it till they're ready' approach. Some children/young people are lazy. And passive. So happy for older people to do all the running round, that it is a huge shock when others - employers, people at university - expect them to show a bit of maturity.

So I think being caring parent does sometimes involves saying, 'No I am not doing this for you. You are going to do this by yourself, but I will explain what needs to be done - and you can also ring me if there's a problem.'

Katekate77 · 19/12/2013 09:29

Sorry if someone has already said this but could you do the train journey with her the first time then let her come alone next time. When I was 14 I could be cool with a train journey alone...I'd think I was cool, grown up etc and I could read and listen to music. Just ask her if she is comfortable with it.

NigellasDealer · 19/12/2013 09:29

well i used to travel for hours on the train to uni all the time and was never 'sexually harassed' tbh, not ever. Perhaps it was the 'fuck off' shoes I used to wear, who knows.

AskBasilAboutCranberrySauce · 19/12/2013 09:30

I don't find it outlandish Sooper.

I just think it doesn't really matter if the child is ready to do it now or not for another six months or not for another year.

I just hate this whole "I was doing x at this age, my DD is doing x". Who cares? This isn't about anyone except this individual child, it doesn't matter what other kids are doing.

The whole "I'm a considerably better parent than yow because I don't neglect/ helicopter my children by doing things differently from yow" is really not very Mumsnetty.

bigTillyMintspie · 19/12/2013 09:31

YANBU - If she is happy to do it on her own, I agree that dad should practise the journey with her by train and then if she is happy to do it, she could do it on her own.

The DC have been making the journey to the IL's on the train (about 100miles) together on their own since DS was 10 and DD 12.

DS, nearly 13 would happily get a train 200 miles on his own, but I'm not sure that DD14 would on her own, but she would with DS or a friend.

AskBasilAboutCranberrySauce · 19/12/2013 09:34

Yes also agree with that FrauM.

If the SD got to 16 and still didn't feel ready, then she'd need a push IMO.

But at 14, I don't see why she needs to be pushed just yet, if she's not up for it (and we don't know whether she is or not). It's obviously important that kids get life skills like going on the train by themselves, but it doesn't really matter if they get that life skill at 13 or at 16. If they haven't got it by the time they're forty, there will have been a parenting fail there. Grin

FrauMoose · 19/12/2013 09:35

In the summer before I was 16 I went to visit relatives in Italy, travelling unaccompanied on trains and ferries. On the outward journey I was pulled out of the queue for questioning by customs officials. (I have a UK passport but the city where I was born was a site of considerable unrest at the time.) On the return journey, an Italian man who had helped me resolve some difficulty with an embarcation form, attempted to seduce me.

I should add that the questioning was very brief. Both the Customs Officials and I realised that there was no serious likelihood that I would be a terrorist. I also sussed out that as the Italian man was travelling with his mother and child, plus we were on a crowded ferry at the time, he was not a major threat.

I think that holiday - which I thoroughly enjoyed in all sorts of ways - really helped me to grow up and realise that the world was a place I wanted to see more of....

Katekate77 · 19/12/2013 09:36

Haha nigellas! Tell her to wear her "fuck off" shoes Grin

SilverApples · 19/12/2013 09:38

I think that many of us have pointed out that it's a learning curve.
Not a sudden shove off a high cliff.
So yes, some children are lazy, or unsure or just inert. They need to be encouraged, sometimes firmly, to develop independence, and it's a long process.
Isn't there a theory about teenagers developing obnoxious behaviour as an evolutionary impetus to enable parents to sever the apron strings without excessive trauma to both sides?

curlew · 19/12/2013 09:39

"Most if the teens who go missing, end up being found dead, if you want to protect your child from that ever happening, or being sexually harassed, assaulted, raped, then that is your right."

"My middle DD has been drinking in pubs since she was 15"

I now know that people just post random things on threads like this. There is no way otherwise that the same poster, who is strongly anti this girl travelling by train could have, with a straight face, posted these two statements.

FrauMoose · 19/12/2013 09:39

Isn't there a theory about teenagers developing obnoxious behaviour as an evolutionary impetus to enable parents to sever the apron strings without excessive trauma to both sides?

I like this...

AskBasilAboutCranberrySauce · 19/12/2013 09:40

What are fuck off shoes?

Are they some sort of talisman?

Like these?

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 19/12/2013 09:40

Well... It is not really your decision OP

FirConesAtXmas · 19/12/2013 09:44

Not sure if this has already been suggested, but could you split the journey with her mum so that her mum takes her the first hundred miles, and your DH meets up with them at a cafe, then she travels back with him.
This is what we have always done with our DC when they go to stay with my Parents who live 200 miles away.
We each travel 100 miles, meet at roughly mid point for a nice lunch and then collect/deposit DC. ( I appreciate a nice lunch with his ex is probably pushing it)