Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my 14-year-old stepDD really should be able to take the bus/train on her own to visit us?

418 replies

cinnamontoast · 18/12/2013 21:35

DH complains about having to drive a round trip of nearly 400 miles in the school holidays to bring her down to visit, but won't contemplate her using public transport. At her age I was happily getting the train on my own to visit relatives at the other end of the country - and I didn't have a mobile. Surely learning to travel independently is an important life skill?

OP posts:
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 19/12/2013 00:30
Grin
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 19/12/2013 00:33

I went on a train when I was 11. I went on a train when I was 17. I didn't go in between. (Lived in a town with excellent road network and no station.)

I would have struggled at 14 as I just wasn't used to trains.

On the other hand by 14 I understood the proof that root(2) is irrational.

Depends on your dsd, her life experience and her abilities.

Birdsgottafly · 19/12/2013 00:33

"Oh please, how many teens are abducted every year?"

Who has mentioned abduction? I am talking about teens that are reported missing and then their body turns up.

Teens suffer that most crime out of the rest of the population. Young men are randomly attacked on nights out. There are lots of teen murders and assaults.

Or is this one if those MN things that it is all on the imagination of the press?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 19/12/2013 00:36

Sorry - pressed enter too soon.

If this is a future plan then may be worth your dh doing the journey by train with her for a while so that travelling by train in general and that route in particular becomes normalised to her.

babiesmakemecrazy · 19/12/2013 00:48

From the age of 13 I got a trains to my dads to visit him, 300 mile round trip. I'm glad I did this. I'm 19 now. My 18 year old sister still can't get train on her own due to her not doing this whereas I'm very confident.

MadameDefarge · 19/12/2013 01:09

I crossed Europe by my self on a train (from Germany, got my self onto a ferry at Ostend, and on the train to Victoria all by ownsome at 14.

Not saying this is appropriate for all kids.

but have certainly put my ds aged 10 on a train for an hour or two knowing he will be met the other end.

I think kids rather love it. The journey. The independence.

( I will admit to having forced a rather nice elderly French couple to keep an eye on him the first time, in French!)

I also used to travel from a London surburb, up to Waterloo, buy ticket, and travel down to Soton by myself aged 9. I do admit my parents were feckless in this.

But 14. Nah. no problem.

MadameDefarge · 19/12/2013 01:12

And my Ds does have SN issues, but he can perfectly well stay on a train for and hour or two reading or whatever, to be met at the other end.

I would not send him half way across europe, however, like I did.

Makes me shudder just to think about it now!

BillyBanter · 19/12/2013 01:30

He can do the trip by train a couple of times with her then she should be able to do it on her own if its fairly direct.

uselessinformation · 19/12/2013 01:39

ds has done this since age 14. He practised with his dad first. He has one change.

Strangetownblues · 19/12/2013 02:26

No way.

My 17 year old was also harassed by a bunch of complete knobs when she was on her own on an overland train recently. Unfortunately all the other adults studiously ignored what was going on until she asked a woman for help, who told them to fuck off. She'd have been too shy to ask for help at 14.

spindlyspindler · 19/12/2013 02:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Angloamerican · 19/12/2013 04:14

I agree with curlew. The girl is (presumably) only 4 years away from living independently at college, and some people here think she shouldn't be catching a couple of trains by herself? Jesus wept.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 19/12/2013 06:37

It's only four years since she was ten as well. That argument makes no sense at this age when things change so fast.

OhMerGerd · 19/12/2013 06:39

Car journeys are great one on one time. In four years time your DH will be wondering where his little girl has gone and when he doesn't see her from one year to the next he will regret every second he didn't spend in her company when she was younger. You want to be sure none of the blame when he inevitably does regret falls to you. So don't be the one to push it.

Having said that, provided she's happy to do it, and you talk through some strategies for coping with the unexpected and you all agree a back up plan including a fully charged mobile she should be fine.

I use trains regularly for work travelling long distances across the uk. Quite often especially in winter they can be delayed and terminate unexpectedly warranting replacement buses and sometimes taxis ( on one memorable for all the wrong reasons a journey that started at 5.30 pm and should have ended at 8.30pm in Cardiff resulted in me being put in a taxi with another stranded passenger (male) and driven over 100 miles through rural Wales arriving some time after midnight) and no booked seat and promise of help from a conductor is going to help you in the scrum to get a seat on an alternative slow train leaving from another platform in 3 minutes and thats if if you can make head or tail of the crackley tannoy announcement in time to run for it.

And don't get me started on the middle aged suited and booted types who think flashing a pair of Versace cuff links and giving you the look that says 'ding dong' is licence to try and part your legs with their knees. You can't even slap them because the silly table thingy means their smug faces are a stretch too far.

I'd have hated anyone who made me endure either scenario at 14 and probably just said I didn't want to go again. I'd also have probably guilt tripped them for ever.

friday16 · 19/12/2013 06:39

I am talking about teens that are reported missing and then their body turns up.

And whose boyfriend gets arrested the following day. Almost without exception. Murder by stranger is vanishingly rare. Murder by stranger on a train? Has there been a case, well, ever?

LtEveDallas · 19/12/2013 06:55

Hey OP, DSD started doing similar at the same age. She was used to trains (one to get to school, and another to go shopping) and has been since age 11. She was still quite nervous about it the first time though.

What we did was find the most direct easiest route for her. It meant DH driving almost an hour to the destination station, but that was still better than the 6 hours he used to have to do (and that was a bitch of a journey)

Maybe that is the answer - find a direct train, even if it isn't your local station and test her on that. Anything closer than 200 miles is a bonus!

DH had reached the point where the drive was killing him for the sake of a couple of days with his DD, and contact was starting to drop off. DSD also hated the drive, because they always got caught up in traffic. Now they are both happier. I think if they hadn't done this they would have lost contact completely in the end.

fishybits · 19/12/2013 07:09

YANBU.

Aged 12 I was travelling alone to and from school from Suffolk to Gloucestershire by train, via London with heavy luggage.

Norudeshitrequired · 19/12/2013 07:18

I agree with the suggestion that the OPs husband should go and collect his DD on the train. That way she doesn't have to travel unaccompanied and he doesn't have to drive 400 miles whilst possibly being tired.
He might even be able to reach agreement with the girls mum that she will come and collect her daughter on the train at the end of the visit.
I'm sure that after a few accompanied train visits the DD might feel confident enough to travel on the train by herself.
The journey should be quicker by train, but you might have to rethink what to do when there are disruptions on the rail network (these are usually scheduled for school holiday times).

BohemianGirl · 19/12/2013 07:23

I despair reading these threads I really do. Mollycoddled and bubble wrapped children, incapable of assessing a risk and performing tasks because of helicopter parenting. You really arent doing your children any favours at all

WidowWadman · 19/12/2013 07:27

When I was 14 I would have been pretty offended at the suggestion that it's too difficult/dangerous/whatever to catch a train.

The quality time argument is bollocks - as daughter won't have to wait for him to drive the 200 miles down to him, they will be able to spend quality time together earlier without being stressed and strapped into a tin on wheels.

chrome100 · 19/12/2013 07:29

YANBU! I used to do similar at the same age to visit my penpal. And I am only 21 now so it was not that long ago. Ridiculous nampy-pampying clearly going on here.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 19/12/2013 07:32

It isn't molly coddling. The DSD may well be perfectly up for it but if she's never taken a train any distance on her own before, it makes sense to do a dry run or for her to do a shorter journey and be met part way.

Once she's done it a couple of times like this, she may well be fine to do the lot.

Bunbaker · 19/12/2013 07:33

It depends entirely on the child. some 14 year olds would take it in their stride, others wouldn't.

I traveled back from southern Germany by train and night ferry on my own at 14. I was terrified, but felt very grown up by the time I got onto English soil. My dad met me at Liverpool Street station and I was disappointed that I couldn't do the last bit on my own as well.

But, we didn't have a car and I was used to using public transport and we lived on the outskirts of London where public transport was plentiful.

We now live in a rural area where the trains and buses are infrequent and have to use the car 95% of the time so DD isn't in the habit of using public transport except for the bus to school. There is no way she would want to travel on a train on her own.

I don't blame your husband for not wanting to do the trip on our horribly overcrowded roads, especially at busy times of the year. OH's family live 150 miles away and we find the journey a right old PITA.

Mattissy · 19/12/2013 07:34

Mum puts her on train at one end, she sits in seat, father picks her up at other end. Hmm, I can see why a 14 year old may get confused, hmmm!

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 19/12/2013 07:36

Mattissy, a 200 mile journey may well not be direct.

Again, no one has actually asked the DSD!