to think my 14-year-old stepDD really should be able to take the bus/train on her own to visit us?

[cinnamontoast]

DH complains about having to drive a round trip of nearly 400 miles in the school holidays to bring her down to visit, but won't contemplate her using public transport. At her age I was happily getting the train on my own to visit relatives at the other end of the country - and I didn't have a mobile. Surely learning to travel independently is an important life skill?

I travelled back from London to Liverpool on Sunday at 8. The train was "stormed" by already drunk men pushing people out of the way to get to the seats with tables.

The teen girls that I was travelling with had to sit several seats away and I spent all of my time stopping the harassment by adult men of at least 25, the girls were young looking 15 year olds.

When we saw them at the station, I thought they were to drunk to be allowed to board.

" You look at a 2 year old and you can't possibly imagine them being a capable teenager."

Looking at my 18 year old (who has been abroad with friends) I cannot imagine not living with her 24/7 and if not, objecting to travelling to spend time with her, to the extent that she may be put at any risk.

It is up to the people who have PR (and whose faces will be plastered over the press if anything goes wrong) to decide, after discussing it with the teen involved, who may be affected long term if anything untoward does happen.

Go out and about with teen girls, as though your not with them and see how many predatory males there are, as well as everyday dangers.

"gosh, curlew that's looking a bit like "I am a better parent than you"

Is it? Oh, dear.

That was easy for him to say, Friday, as he steamed around the world subduing Natives. It was the mother who sat at home chewing her fingernails! Chewing fingernails goes with the territory. But the fact that we're terrified doesn't give us the right to hold them back.

Why are people so keen to ensure that children reach certain milestones as soon as possible?

So what if some kids aren't as mature and capable as others at 14?

I mean really, so what?

There's no way my 14 year old DS would want to do a 200 mile journey on a train by himself.

But I'm sure he'll be ready by the time it actually matters.

So what if he's not ready now? Who cares?

When he was 3, he didn't want to choose his own clothes either, when all the books were telling me that I should be giving him those choices and lots of other kids of his own age were doing so. But now hey, he chooses his own clothes. It didn't matter that he wasn't ready to do that at the time the books said he was supposed to. And it doesn't matter if kids are ready at 12 or not until they're 17, to do a long train journey by themselves. In the great scheme of things, it honestly doesn't matter, it's a problem only if you decide it's a problem.

Well my 4 YO regularly travels to mars alone with Virgin and he's quite the seasoned space traveller now. Tbf he does take a few sudoku puzzles and the pet parakeet for company though. And i have an earth rep meet him at the other side

Ok folks how many of you are willing to do a turnaround 400 mile car journey, which by the sound of it means getting last Birmingham? Always round and past Birmingham are horrible.

I can assure you the OPs DSD is a 100x probably 1000x less likely to be involved in an accident on the train than the motorways round Birmingham, with a tired driver.

There is really only one question? Is she happy to do it? I would have done (I used to take the bus into my GP's city, spend all day in town and take a totally different bus to my great aunts).

My friends and I used to get the train to Swansea and go shopping and catch the train back at that age.

DD1 probably would have done this trip at 14 (at 15 she certainly would).

I don't think my sister would have and DD2 is only 12, but I don't think she would. Neither of them are happy on their own for long periods.

I lived in Birmingham and find NewStreet really simple (especially now it has screens) all the platforms are in a neat row. I accept if it's being refurbished it may be chaos, but it's usually fine.

now then who is a sillybilly?

merryfuckingchristmas I do apologise for being so strangely reticent on the sole salient point - how remiss of me. I was helping DS with homework. However, I am here now and I'm afraid all I can tell you is I don't know how familiar DSD is with public transport. Clearly that is something we would need to find out before throwing her to the wolves putting her on a train.
nonno, trust me, there is no subtext here. She gets on remarkably well with DH, who texts/phones her every day, she has no hang-ups at all about the parental situation as far as anyone can reasonably tell (neither do my DCs, also happy survivors of parental separation) and I would hate anyone to think DH had ever given her the slightest hint that he doesn't like the travelling - he's far too nice for that and it's only me he's complained to.
To those who expressed concern about my unfamiliarity with the route - I simply wanted some advice on whether 14 was a suitable age to travel alone; we're not about to rush out and buy her a ticket! Thanks to everyone who made sensible suggestions - It's so great to be able to turn to MN for advice on this sort of thing.

My kids haven't been exposed to making those kinds of journeys and that level of responsibility for this in particular

That is not their fault. It's not even mine, because as a family we simply do not live that kind of lifestyle, never have.

I can probably give you some different examples where they will outstrip Johnny who hops on and off trains though in the skillz/independence/maturity level though.

So, like Basil says, does it matter ? Curlew, perhaps I should pronounce that I couldn't consider myself a fit parent if my 13 yo couldn't fly a glider plane and understand how all the instruments work. That I am rubbish at this parenting lark if my 18yo couldn't put her sick grandmother to bed and still love her dearly.

But I wouldn't, so I don't. (I know I just did, but you get my drift)

What a sensible post AskBasil. I agree with you.

My DDs wouldn't have travelled on their own at that age. They could cook a three course meal though, but I would go around saying 'I'd think I'd failed as a parent if they couldn't cook a three course meal'

It's all so daft to compare children, there's so many variables that people on the Internet have no knowledge of.

Thanks for answering, OP. As you can see, the thread has moved on somewhat in your absence, as they are wont to do

"Would you be similarly protective of your son?"

Teenage boys and young men have the highest attack and murder rate, out if the whole population.

This sort of thing, I dependant travel depends on where you live and how the teen can handle different situations and if you think they should handle those situations.

Most if the teens who go missing, end up being found dead, if you want to protect your child from that ever happening, or being sexually harassed, assaulted, raped, then that is your right.

You don't become confident by being thrown into situations that your are not comfortable with and especially ones that you are being put in because your Step parent objects to you being given a level of care that you are used to.

I am a bit disappointed in this thread, tbh

I thought the MN party line was that it was not ok to make comparisons between individual children and yet this thread is chock full of it

complete with the inference that if your teenager is not hopping on and off trains every 5 minutes there is something wrong somewhere

When I was 14 I used to walk to the bus stop, take the bus to the station, buy a ticket, catch a train to London, change to another station (walk, not on the tube), catch another train, and then walk to my grandparents house. It is doable as long as she is confident and capable of doing the journey. DM would not have let my brother do the same at 14.

Couldnt resist nigella.

merryfuckingchristmas, yes, you were giving me a hard time for not replying but it simply didn't occur to me anyone would have anything left to say! Seven pages! And I'm the sort of MNer who usually accidentally kills a thread. In fact I've probably done it now ...

Arf SillyBilly, there is a bit of that going on here.

My 11 year old is much more independent than my DS. She is currently travelling to the North Pole in the company of an armour-wearing bear.

Oh wait, no, sorry, I'm mixing her up with Lyra Belacqua.

My bad.

haha at usually a thread killer

this one could go on alllll night

askbasil

I never say this but i did actually LOL at tht post basil!

well my toddler regularly takes the huskies over the mountains to get supplies for the family, sometimes digging his way out of the snow with his one tooth. it's good for his self esteem I think.
have i killed it yet?

Oh please, how many teens are abducted every year?

How many are killed in road accidents?

Chances of anything more than having to move to avoid a group of drunks on the train, minimal.

People really do have the most twisted view of risk.

Non rush hour, middle of the day trains are usually fine, although they will be very busy near Christmas. I have stood from Sheffield to Birmingham)

Half term or Easter might be a better time to do this first time.

"My friends and I"

That is the difference though isn't it. My middle DD has been drinking in pubs since she was 15, I gave her and her friends the message that they do not leave each other alone, even after an argument.

How many women on here tell stories about being sexually assaulted as teens and not telling anyone because they didn't have the means to fully process what and how it had happened.

" I don't know how familiar DSD is with public transport. "

How can you even ask this question without fully knowing your DSD? Surely your new? DP can do the travelling for just another year whilst you build up her travelling skills.

I would want my DD to go by coach, personally.

It's not about making direct comparisons though. It's 'is this too much to ask from a 14yr old?'

Just as you could ask 'should my 6yr be able to put on his own socks?'

Of course some 6yr olds will be able to while others will struggle and still others will have parents who don't trust him to try and will dress him to save time.

I don't think a 14yr old should automatically be able to travel independently but do think that at that age, parents should be encouraging them to spread their wings.

Your toddler only has one tooth nigella? Pfft mine had his full set of adult teeth by 14 weeks

ouch!