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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my 14-year-old stepDD really should be able to take the bus/train on her own to visit us?

418 replies

cinnamontoast · 18/12/2013 21:35

DH complains about having to drive a round trip of nearly 400 miles in the school holidays to bring her down to visit, but won't contemplate her using public transport. At her age I was happily getting the train on my own to visit relatives at the other end of the country - and I didn't have a mobile. Surely learning to travel independently is an important life skill?

OP posts:
NigellasDealer · 19/12/2013 09:46

What are fuck off shoes?
exactly those basil!! but in black. These red ones are lush!
am I too old to wear them ? (pushing 50)

AskBasilAboutCranberrySauce · 19/12/2013 09:58

No definitely not too old - I have a pair of these myself.

(In the red!)

SilverApples · 19/12/2013 10:00

I have a purple pair Basil, they are so comfortable and have lasted for years.
Whereas my mother's fuck off shoes were stilettos, with a decent bodyweight behind them.

BranchingOut · 19/12/2013 10:16

I think that if it is a simple journey (somebody puts her on the train at one end, somebody meets her at the other) then it could be done.

I had the most restrictive parents around and even I was making simple local train journeys with a friend by age 13. At 16 I took the train from the home counties to North Wales, via London.

But - it still went wrong from time to time. On one occasion (aged about 14) I got the platforms totally mixed up and my friend and I ended up on a fast service into London - sensibly we decided to get off at Richmond upon Thames so that didn't work out too badly!

I think that there also is the vulnerability angle to consider. Will she know how to handle it if she gets back from the loo and someone is sitting in her seat? In my early twenties I was sitting in the inner seat by the window and a rather lairy, drunk man decided to sit next to me so I was pretty much trapped - in the end I had to push past him and go to get help from the conductor.

Here's an idea - over Christmas you all go on a short trip by train, for a day out. But you use that journey as a way to get her and your DH used to the idea of her travelling that way next year.

hardboiledpossum · 19/12/2013 10:18

I was traveling across the UK and Europe at that age and mostly enjoyed the adventure. I was sexually harassed on a number of occasions though. Once in Paris I was encircled by a group of young men whilst they grabbed at me, luckily someone intervened and I was fine.

I wouldn't force her to take the journey on her own, you might find she stops coming. If I had felt like my dad couldn't be bothered to come and pick me up as a teenager I would probably have stayed home to see my friends.

OhYouMerryLittleKitten · 19/12/2013 10:21

It's a sensible question. I'm feeling a bit rubbish at the moment and due to be taking dd (14) to olympia for the horse show. Last night we had a serious discussion as to whether she would be happy to go by herself if I wasnt well enough (I should be fine to go). She was very pleased by the idea! even though it would mean changing at a very busy large train station. We have done the route a few times though. Next summer I think she will be travelling up to central London by herself to attend a course she wants to do, but the first couple of days dh or I will accompany her.

My biggest fear is that she ends up on the wrong train or gets into a tizz if it goes wrong, but tbh I've ended up on the wrong train as an adult in my more dappy moments and its something you have to learn to deal with. She is just as capable of reading, listening and talking as I am, what she needs now is practise.

OhYouMerryLittleKitten · 19/12/2013 10:25

What I meant to say, is that although each individual child follows their own path and does things at different times, it does help to know what the norm is for each age group - its really hard to let go! For instance I don't let dd boil the kettle if there are no adults in the house which frankly is ridiculous - I was cooking spag bol for the family when they were out at her age! In fact, in typing that I've realised thats something I need to get over, its my fear, not her capability thats holding her back on that one.

SilverApples · 19/12/2013 10:31

I knew I'd done something right two years ago, when I woke up to a bloodstained kitchen and a ransacked first aid cupboard.
DS at 16 had managed to cut himself whilst making a late night snack, but he knew what to do and didn't see the need to wake me up.
Next step, remembering to clean the worksurface and floor you bleed on.

bigTillyMintspie · 19/12/2013 10:51

SilverApplesSmile

OYMLK, that's great - DD is quite capable of getting around in London, she just doesn't want to be perceived as a loner, so would only go with someone elseConfused!

OhYouMerryLittleKitten · 19/12/2013 11:01

dd is a funny duck. She has lots of really lovely friends but she likes her own company and would often rather do stuff by herself. (but I guess I'm the same, to a certain extent).

Slowercooker · 19/12/2013 12:22

I really can't believe some of the opinions on this thread...
Trains are not inherently dangerous places. Certainly, as has been pointed out already, they are less dangerous than a motorway with an overtired driver.

Taking public transport should be encouraged. Train journeys can be very enjoyable in all sort of ways. Relaxing, exciting, interesting. I don't know why you would want to deny your children this. Yes there are issues to be ironed out, and the OP admits she is the very early stages of considering this. She never said it would be every journey. She never said there wouldn't be a dry-run or two with Dad. She never said they wouldn't take the SDD's feelings into account. In all likelihood the OP's stepdaughter would enjoy the experience and it would make her feel (and be) capable. Which is good, isn't it?

What I find most depressing is some posters assumption that the only way of loving your children, or being a good parent is to unthinkingly and unquestioningly drive them around in the car.

pigletmania · 19/12/2013 12:40

I disagree slow cooker, we were a non driving family so always used public transport, but just because a child s 14 does not mean they are a true enough to travel a long journey, some are not, if you know tat your child woud not be able to cope at that what is wrong with waiting a bit until they are! Some children will not be able to cope with things like delayed trains, or platform changes, connection changes, aso add to that unwanted attention from adults or others.

pigletmania · 19/12/2013 12:41

Mature doh

bigTillyMintspie · 19/12/2013 13:03

piglet that is true. Some are more ready than others - DS 12 takes 2 trains to and from footy training once or twice a week in the evening. He has had to deal with cancellations and machines not working and last night slept past his stop and had to jump on a bus to get bacl to training on time. All in his stride.
DD14, however wants to be ferried everywhere unless shes with friends. I am encouraging her to be more independent, bit by bit.
.

brettgirl2 · 19/12/2013 13:04

The counter argument to the 'she won't bother to come then' is actually if she can get the train she can visit whenever she likes (and therefore more often). Potentially therefore having more of dad not less.

FraidyCat · 19/12/2013 13:18

I know someone who from the age of six made a couple of days long train journey, spanning three countries, to get to boarding school each term. (Older children from the same school making the same journey would have looked after him though. Only a handful came from that far, so conceivable that the oldest was only 14, though unlikely to have been a girl.)

minifingers · 19/12/2013 13:20

There are much younger children in boarding school in the UK - thousands of them - travelling abroad unaccompanied several times a year.

Really at 14 she should be able to do a train journey alone. At that age I would have been gagging to do it!

pigletmania · 19/12/2013 13:52

I used to go to boarding school, at 14 I had the maturity of a 10 year old, Noway was I allowed to do a train journey and a bus ride to my home. At 16 I was much better, and used to go from home to school independently. If the child is not able to do so at tat age, what the hell is waiting with waiting a year or 2! You would nt let a 10 year old travel on a long journey!

pigletmania · 19/12/2013 13:54

Minifingers te Chidren are usually unaccompanied minors on areoplanes, they have a chaperone from when they are handed over, right until they arrive

Strangetownblues · 19/12/2013 14:18

Some of these posts of the 'Oh I was hitch-hiking around North America when I was 11' variety are maybe missing the point that in our pornified society, some men feel FAR more entitled to harass young girls than might have been the case when we were young. People also maybe got involved more years ago if they saw a youngster being hassled. Now, people pretend they haven't noticed in case they get troubled by the harassers themselves.

Talk about coaches etc is also missing the point yet again. Passengers are more protected because the coach driver is present.

Curlyweasel · 19/12/2013 14:18

your oh may be complaining, but if he's got a problem with it, it's up to him to sort it out. the way your post has been phrased makes you come over a bit wicked step-mother imho Wink.

curlew · 19/12/2013 14:56

Shouldn't this be a family decision? By 14 I would expect my children to be involved in a lot of family decisions, and I would expect them to have points of view and a sense of responsibility. If my dd, for example, understood that her father was doing a massive drive at the end of a hard week, and she could do something to make his life easier, I would expect her to consider it. In the same way that, if she really couldn't do it, I would expect her father to take her feelings and convenience into consideration. There really is a huge difference between 14 and a younger child.

bigTillyMintspie · 19/12/2013 15:07

I agree with you, curlew.

We try to get our DC to see all points of view and reach a compromise which works OK for everyone. DS is proving better at this than DD atm - how the tables have turned!

thebody · 19/12/2013 15:08

My main concern with my young teen dds would be some bastard sexually harassing them and they not knowing what to do.

We've all been there haven't we?

Perhaps book the seat first class, have the 'what to do chat if' put her in and meet her off the train. Mobile.

However if her dad moans about it but won't change things what can you do op? What does her mom think?

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 19/12/2013 15:13

Most routes which do change at Birmingham overlap somewhere else anyway - DSis and I used to do Warwickshire - Shropshire and changed at Wolverhampton. A couple of years into this the software changed on the website and would automatically put the change at Birmingham instead. I looked up the timetables and realised that we could carry on changing at Wolverhampton so continued to do that.

I used to love those train journeys. Would have been about 15 I reckon because my DSis is 3 years younger and I doubt we'd have been allowed if she was 11.

I think it ought to be fine especially if she has a mobile!