To ask who uses Grandparents for 'Free Childcare'

[Writerwannabe83]

Currently 25 weeks pregnant and over the last few weeks me and DH have been sitting down with a calculator, looking at our finances and making decisions about Maternity pay and returning to work etc.

He kept making comments about how he'd ask his mom to have baby one day a week to reduce our childcare costs - and I said absolutely not. He thinks that because she only works part time it isn't an issue I told him that as his mom is 60 it isn't fair to ask her to look after a 1 year old all day long and make that commitment to us as a long-term thing. He has made the occasional jokey comment to his parents about their role in childcare and from her reaction it is quite clear it isn't something she wants to do, and I don't blame her. I wouldn't ever dream of asking my parents either.

I have always been a bit about the issue - obviously there is no problem if the Grandparents offer and genuinely want to help out, but it certainly shouldn't be assumed. My sister really took advantage of our mom when it came to childcare and I swear I'd never do the same.

We have factored in our plan that I will return to work 3 days a week and we will pay for 3 days childcare. I said to my husband that we chose to have a baby and so it is our financial responsibility - not a case of just give the baby to Grandma so we can save some money.

I know some Grandparents offer to do it and absolutely love to do it, and that's great, but I also know of a lot of grandparents who do it because they feel obliged to but are actually quite resentful.

What are people's thoughts??
Are there negatives as well as positives to relying on grandparents this way?

We moved to be close to my family and my mum has had my older son 1 day a week since he was one and my dad & stepmum for another day. My mum works part-time and my dad/sm are retired.
Next year my mum will have ds2 for the full day and ds1 for only half the day and I'm going to start paying (I was previously doing petrol and activity money only). My dad/sm will have both for one day plus also have my sm's grandchild and don't need (and won't accept) payment.
So far it's been great - I'm happy for them to feed/do what suits them and they have a great relationship with the kids which is the key thing for us.

My Dads DP so I guess technically my Step Mother, has offered free child care for DD when I return to work next year. I've been really against free Grandparent child care and accepted I wouldn't be able to go back to work. But last week Dads DP flat out asked if she could have DD if I went back. Turns out she'd been hinting for months and months about it, but felt it would be too pushy to ask. I'm really excited to go back part time, but can't help but feel like I'm taking advantage.

I agree with OP in that I think if GPs offer to take care of your DC and want to do it then it is fine. I know some people who expect that their parents will look after their children certain days and i know GPs who resent the assumption that they will, but also feel obliged to do so as they don't want to turn away their grandchildren. I also know other GPs who want to have their DGC for a day in the week and that is 'their' time with their DGC and love it.

Ultimately, i believe it comes down to what you and your family are comfortable with. I know examples where GPs help out one day per week to ease the childcare costs and it works really well, but i also know other examples where it has gone horribly wrong with GPs feeling they are taken advantage of and not valued, it all depends on the situation and the people involved.

For our situation, presently i work on one of the days when DH is off so that he can take car of DD and have dad time. All of our parents work so GP childcare wouldn't be an option, but im not sure if i would be comfortable with a regular arrangement if it were an option. But that's down to me personally.

I agree with the sentiment of not wanting to 'take advantage'

I know someone who has their parents look after their child from friday afternoon till monday morning, every.single.weekend.

and have a few week long childless holidays thrown in too , no payment thankyou card etc, Then there's me in hospital for a week with youngest so they have my eldest, I get them a thankyou card and I was in bloody hospital!! x

Loads of grandparents help out in my set (30 ish working professionals). My mum used to but is now unfortunately unwell. I only let her do it one day a week as I thought it was too much for her otherwise but sh built up a really special bond with my son and thoroughly enjoyed having him on a regular basis. Oh and she was more like 70 at the time. I hope I am not to decrepit at 60 to look after my grandchildren on a regular basis.

There is a blance I think with families and I think local grandparents with free time are selfish not to offer. It astounds me how entitled some seem to be as they only want contact on their terms. Equally parents that abuse their parents good nature are selfish too. It's beyond me how it can be grabby to ask though - and I didn't have to ask the offer of full time care was there (although I chose to only take her up on one day).

But ultimately it's their (gp) decision as you can't leave your children with them if they don't want them!!!

i think local GPs with free time are selfish not to offer

I'm honestly shocked that you said this.

And you say it's the GPs that are entitled......

Why should they offer?? The parents who chose to have the children are responsible for caring for them. Grandparents are under no obligation to provide childcare just because they have spare time on their hands. They've raised their children, they worked most of their lives, they done their fair share......maybe they deserve a rest!!

I would never, ever, EVER think of my parents or my PIL as being selfish just because they aren't prepared to look after my children for me on a regular childcare basis. That's insane.

Yes and I hate it. I wanted to give dd to a childminder the 2 days I'm at work but mil threw the most awful tantrum and dh backed her up.
Now it's hell.
Everything is about them, they want me to work different days so it's better for them. Dh has missed loads of work (self employed) as they are busy sometimes. they dont change dd's nappy often enough so she gets rashes. Dd comes back too late and overtired.

I'd rather pay someone else.

Ooh dear Melon....sounds tough!!!

if I'm honest, I wouldn't want to leave a child of mine under the care of my mother. From my own childhood I know what parenting tactics she uses and it's not something I'd want inflicted on my own, lol

My mom is probably very glad I haven't asked and I'm glad she hasn't offered

We don' have any GPs so not any issue for us. However, lots of people I know use GPs for childcare. Hearing some of the moans about it, I have concluded that it certainly isn't 'free' - it costs, just not financially.

MIL and/or PIL have DS every tueday while I work and DH is at cubs. So from 4pm-730 ish. They are a super helpful family and do anything for anyone. It's wonderful. They both work full time, but she is a carer and has one 24hr shift, and one 12hr, so has quite a lot of free time. If DS is ill she will help, as will FILs sister who is currently unemplyed.

I wouldn't use gps for childcare even if they were local.

It would really create problems in terms of boundaries and a sense of obligation to them. I loathe feeling obliged to anyone.

Plus I fully intend not to do childminding of any gcs I might have. I've done my lot and apart from regular babysitting in the evenings, that's it.

It's not selfish. Well even if it is - shoot me. I will want to have some frivolous and outrageous fun in my 50's and 60's god willing I live so long.

Cereal queen, you're right. It does cost a lot but not in money!

My mum used to have my dc one day a week. She offered. It was great in the early years - she really had a good bond with dc and they enjoyed the time with her. But she did get a bit entitled at times - undermining me a bit, thinking she knew better than me with decisions for them.

Once dc hit 2.5/3 - they wanted other dc to play with and preferred nursery. It was then a difficult thing having to communicate to dm that we no longer needed that help.

I would absolutely not try to persuade someone to look after young dc if they aren't keen. It involves a lot of patience, energy and resilience which just wouldn't be there.

See one day a week isn't too bad if the Grandparents are retired - for some reason it just makes me feel uncomfortable when they are expected to do more than this.

My friend has a 10 month old baby who is left with his Grandma (her mum) for 9 hours a day, 3 days a week. This same Grandma also has to pick up the other daughter from school every day (she is 5) and so then has both children until my friend picks themselves both up when she has finished work. My friend just doesn't see what the issue is despite her mom being 66 and not in the best of health. My friend doesn't really show any gratitude. When she was making her 'return to work' plans and told me about the above she said, "I only want her to have the baby (and 5 year old after school) three days a week as I don't want to put on her too much...." I honestly didn't know what to say. The grandad is not happy with the situation at all.

If my MiL were to have the baby (I plan to return to work after 12 months) it would only be for 7 hours, one day a week.....but I just couldn't bring myself to expect her to do it. Even if she offered I just wouldn't feel right accepting it because although she only works part time (about 27 hours a week) I just don't see why she should have to give up her free time in order to provide childcare for me.

It's a weird feeling being so 'anti' something that seems to be the norm

I think your DH will be a lot more realistic when he has a small child on his hands and understands in real terms what he is asking of his mother.

Plan on the basis that no family care will be available and anything which is then offered is a huge bonus.

It's also worth pointing out to your DH that a weekend away for the two of you as a couple at £10+ per hour makes a weekend away without your child an expensive undertaking before you spend a penny on the actual weekend.

In a normal year, between emergency childcare (estimated at 7 days per annum - more in a chickenpox year), doctors and dental appointments, nativity plays (even in daycare), and an annual parents weekend away, you will probably ask for and receive anywhere between 7 & 15 days "free" childcare before any ad hoc babysitting so you have a social life. Not taking the piss now by assuming anything will pay off in other ways.

I think my mum is going look after DN one day a week. Frankly DSIL and I think she hasn't realised what a commitment it is (and what about when she heads off on holidays) but at least DSIL is realistic and is aware that she may need to sort other childcare when DM is unavailable, so has potential alternatives in place.

However I think they're also going to reimburse her for travel expenses at least. At least, DSIL will. My brother's wallet has the proverbial moths in it...

Luckily DM has pretty much turned into the perfect DGM and MIL and has the utmost respect for the way DB and DSIL are raising their child and would never dream of doing something they wouldn't like, so hopefully no issues there.

winky that is the thing I find hard - feeling obliged to someone. Even though it was her decision and request. But the (non-financial) benefits do outweigh that.

To those saying they are surprised how common this is, bear in mind the OP was asking for experiences so there is obviously a high incidence here - there are certainly plenty of children in childcare settings too. I am the only one of my friends who has GP care as the main source of childcare, so it seems uncommon to me.

My DPs have looked after dd since 5 months. Mon to Friday.

I get really annoyed at all the digs from so called friends about how lucky I am.

Not everyone is able to be a sahm. Not everyone can afford childcare.

Dd is with people I trust and who love her. She is disciplined my way, gets 1:1 attention, is doing well at school and plays with the kids in their street.

Yes it's tiring for them but they won't hear of me looking elsewhere.

Mil on the other hand very reluctantly looks after dd.

both sets of our parents wanted to take our DD for a day a week - both sets of parents are getting on now as they are retired but not by much and they want to spend as much time with their DD as they possibly can whilst they still can. Its obvious they love their DD and she loves spending time with each of them and has a special relationship with each of them - she looks forward to seeing them - if you ever say to her wheres gran or grandad she goes to the door to look for them when they come in shes all smiles, squeals like mad and is jumping up and down when she sees them.

I dont think we or them view it as child care as such - its about getting DD spending time with them, getting to know them, being close to them and having her own relationship with them.

No regular arrangement here for my dcs but I know my parents and my mum esp would have happily agreed to have the dcs like this.
HOWEVER, they were living overseas and hadn't had the opportunity to see me much for years and they moved close to us to be able to see me and the dcs as often as possible....

I still feel uncomfortable to ask her for some help even though she is very happy to do it and make sure that I regularly tell them how thankful I am for their help.

A friend of mine had her mum looking after her dd. A disaster even though her mum was a primary school teacher and had had all the nursery years for a very long time. It created a lot of tension but my friend (and her mum) would have never contemplated leaving her with a childminder and as a single parent she had no choice but to work.

Do the couples who would 'never contemplate leaving them in childcare' or know they can't afford to pay for childcare actually sit down and discuss this with the potential grandparents before they have the baby?

Do they say, "me and partner want to have a baby but we don't agree with /can't afford childcare so if we have one are you happy to look after it for us when I go back to work?" Surely if this is the plan that parents want they must get consent off the grandparents before TTC?

Or do they have the baby and then tell the Grandparents they don't want to put the baby in childcare, or can't afford to, and just expect them to help?

My parents pick mine up from school and give them tea 3/4 times a week, my dad is 71 and my mum is 70 this week.

I guess many people say that's too much, they've brought their children up, they're too old, but those people assume the grandparents don't want to do it, my mother would be downright hurt if I put them into childcare or that I hadn't asked in the first place. I couldn't ask before having my ds as he was a bit of a shock.

If tomorrow she said she couldn't manage then I'd put dd into childcare and ds could let himself into the house, I'm not USING my parents, they love it and have a relationship with their gkids that is second to none.

Writerwannabe83 we could afford full time childcare, I contemplated going back part time but the choice was made for me when both lots of grandparents offered. My Mum couldn't wait to get DD all to herself.

I know lots of people who use GPs as part of their childcare, but none who use it as their only childcare apart from one who had her entire childcare from baby to secondary school age done by GPs (she worked pt while DCs were pre-school, ft once they were at school and is a teacher so term time only). As far as I know everyone was happy with the arrangement.

My MiL and her partner look after 14mo old DD 2 days a week at the moment while I go to work but this is going to go down to 1 day a week in the New Year when DD goes to nursery.

Both of them are in their early 70s (I'm an old new mummy) and have a harder time than we can imagine with things like stairs and travel etc - they live 5 tube stops away from us but we pay for them to go back and forth from us in black cabs.

It's been a great help to us and I couldn't thank them enough. We 'pay them back' by sending them on hotel breaks, concerts, etc.

My silly issue is that having my MiL in the house all the time means I feel like everything needs to be wonderful and clean and organised so I spend much more time than I would if DD was in nursery tidying etc on the days when I'm not at work! I'm looking forward to slacking off a bit when DD has most of her childcare in nursery :-)