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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask who uses Grandparents for 'Free Childcare'

195 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 16/12/2013 17:10

Currently 25 weeks pregnant and over the last few weeks me and DH have been sitting down with a calculator, looking at our finances and making decisions about Maternity pay and returning to work etc.

He kept making comments about how he'd ask his mom to have baby one day a week to reduce our childcare costs - and I said absolutely not. He thinks that because she only works part time it isn't an issue Hmm I told him that as his mom is 60 it isn't fair to ask her to look after a 1 year old all day long and make that commitment to us as a long-term thing. He has made the occasional jokey comment to his parents about their role in childcare and from her reaction it is quite clear it isn't something she wants to do, and I don't blame her. I wouldn't ever dream of asking my parents either.

I have always been a bit Hmm about the issue - obviously there is no problem if the Grandparents offer and genuinely want to help out, but it certainly shouldn't be assumed. My sister really took advantage of our mom when it came to childcare and I swear I'd never do the same.

We have factored in our plan that I will return to work 3 days a week and we will pay for 3 days childcare. I said to my husband that we chose to have a baby and so it is our financial responsibility - not a case of just give the baby to Grandma so we can save some money.

I know some Grandparents offer to do it and absolutely love to do it, and that's great, but I also know of a lot of grandparents who do it because they feel obliged to but are actually quite resentful.

What are people's thoughts??
Are there negatives as well as positives to relying on grandparents this way?

OP posts:
goodtimesinbontemps · 16/12/2013 23:09

My bil and sil have 2 children, a toddler and a baby, both work ft and pils mind the children 5 days a week for virtually nothing. I think it's very unfair on them, they say they are happy to do it but I feel a good part of it is that they feel obliged, bil has a large mortgage etc . What bugs me is that sil is often giving out about the way mil does things and I feel like saying you should be bloody glad they are doing it for you and saving you an absolute fortune in child care costs!

somewhereinessex · 16/12/2013 23:16

My mother picks up my DCs from school 3 days a week - she's in her 70's, doesn't drive and uses the bus (both DCs are now very au fait with bus etiquette like giving up seats for adults etc!). Without her I could not do my job. She couldn't bear the idea of them going to after-school club (which ended too early for me to get back from London anyway) and offered. As long as I don't abuse this by working late or not letting her know which train I'm on, it works out OK. She's never babysat overnight though. Don't know what I would do without her.

thegreylady · 16/12/2013 23:17

I have done childcare for the last 7 years. From when the dc were 6 months I did two days a week. When they were in preschool I did one day and one half day, then two half days.since dgs2 started YR in september I do two after school pickups and give then tea. There are 2.5 years between them so I have rarely had both together for longer than a few hours
I didn't do sleepovers here until dgs2 was 3 but I slept at their place for overnighters.
I was 62 when I started.
It has been a pleasure and a privilege and I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
I was recovering from breast cancer when dgs1 was born and he and his brother have given me suh joy, such a reason for living and I feel I should have paid dd and dsil :)

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 16/12/2013 23:41

My mum picks up DC 3 times a month and MIL takes them 3 days a month.

Before DC started school, mil did all the childcare. Not for free but at a fraction of the cost.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 16/12/2013 23:43

That was to cover fuel cost ect, she wouldn't even take that off us at first which annoyed me.

inadreamworld · 16/12/2013 23:45

yes but only for two or three hours a week, never for a whole day or even a half day - my Mum is in her 70s and I have a baby and a toddler.

doasyouwouldbedoneby · 16/12/2013 23:50

My DH and l travel 180miles every 2 weeks to look after DGD. MY DH jobshares and works alternate Wednesdays. We do it because we love them, they are saving for a house and would have to pay for every Wednesday. It lets us see them all. It does help that we have a holiday home about 40 miles from them so we intend to spend a few days there as often as possible since we are up that way.
We offered DD did not ask, and has said if it becomes too difficult she will pay for childcare.

hoppinghare · 16/12/2013 23:50

Have only read the OP so far. Just wanted to say my parents looked after my LO when I returned to work part time after maternity leave. It was not to save money. I felt he was too young to leave with people he did not know. We paid my parents the same daily rate as childminders in my area charged but as my parents weren't registered childminders we couldn't use childcare vouchers so they actually cost us more. It was definitely worth it.They were really great with him.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 16/12/2013 23:51

Am I right in assuming that in scenarios where GPs are providing childcare they are no longer in other employment?

Or do some GPs still work but then have the GC on their days off?

When my mom had my sister's children she would have them for 12 hours on a Monday and then have to do her F/T hours at work (40 hours) over the remaining 4 days of the working week Shock She was exhausted!
She first started this when my sister's son was 6 months old and it went on for about 4 years (as my sister had a 2nd child so the cycle restarted) but earlier this year my mom got a backbone and said it was just too much for her. Naturally my sister was quick to bitch about it....I just don't understand how she could be so ungrateful/selfish.

OP posts:
WhoKnowsWhereTheMistletoes · 16/12/2013 23:52

I should add to my post at 23:05 that although having the GPs do some of the childcare saved us a lot of money, if they hadn't wanted to do it we would have stumped up for another day at nursery, neither of us would have had to give up work, or change our work pattern etc. So, there was absolutely no pressure on my parents from that point of view, which made the decision easier.

doasyouwouldbedoneby · 16/12/2013 23:52

I work 34 hours a week, Wednesday being my day off and l am also off the weekend.

doggydaft · 16/12/2013 23:56

My DC are now much older (12 &13) but my DP's did look after them one day a week when they were pre school. They went to nursery the other 2 days I worked. I did 3 12 hour shifts till 8 pm. DP would pick them up about 6 pm on his way home.
Once they went to school we used after school care. My children have a fantastic relationship with my parents who are now in their late 70's and frequently take the bus after school to visit them. They don't have anywhere near the same closeness with their other grandparents who were not/are not as involved in their lives (their choice)
I was very grateful to my parents and it certainly made my working life so much easier in the early years.
I would like to think I never took them for granted, it was entirely their choice and they would have looked after them more but that balance was about right I think.

LunaticFringe · 16/12/2013 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

doggydaft · 16/12/2013 23:57

My DP' s were both retired when my children came along. In their 60's but fit and able.

Coveredinweetabix · 17/12/2013 00:21

Neither set of GPs can in our case due to distance but, even if they could, I am not sure they would or would be willing to on a committed yes we will do X day every week without fail which is the sort of childcare I need. Once DC1 starts school next year, I think the GPs will be more involved as DC1 will be shipped off to one set or another for a few days at half term so that I can save my annual leave for the longer school holidays. I think the GPs will be able to handle that as DD will be 5 so, obviously, able to express herself, able to entertain herself for periods of a time, there's not much physical lifting and there's just her rather than her and DC2 so you don't have to be permanently trying to do two things at once.

Mimishimi · 17/12/2013 00:47

If she doesn't seem enthusiastic or willing to offer, don't ask. I've seen and heard far too many unhappy grandparents at playgrounds and, especially, shops to think that this is a good long term option beyond emergency care. Not a few feel completely strong-armed into it and they discuss it quite openly with each other ... often in front of the kids.

Spaulding · 17/12/2013 00:52

My parents have DS sometimes if DP is working. I work on one of his days off but once in a blue moon he might have to go in, so my parents will happily have DS for us. They also have DS overnight a couple times a year so we can go out as a couple, or if not overnight, for a few hours in the afternoon so DP and I can go for lunch or something.

When I was pregnant with DS, there was mention of my mum having him for two days a week while I worked. But after having him, and as the time came to decide what to do about work, it was best not to use my mum as childcare. She isn't in the greatest health. She can't chase after DS or carry him for long, so with that in mind we decided I would only go to work on DP's day off so he would be home with DS. My parents only ever have DS all day if my dad is also home. He's older but in good health. Can run about like a bloke in his 30s, so he tends to take the lead while my mum helps out.

Using GP for childcare only works if they are happy to do it. By the sounds of it OP, your MIL isn't keen on the idea either.

southerngirl25599 · 17/12/2013 04:21

It's not an option for us as the in-laws live on the other end of the country and my DM lives 2.5 drive away. My DB and SIL took advantage of this she was looking after 3 kids for 5 years for 5 days a week, they never gave her a thank you, or anything. And the first two kids were twins.

And my DM had to move towns (4 hours away!) because of this. This has put my DM off looking after GC forever. Their has been a lot of resentment because of this and DB, SIL and DM are no longer speaking

I wouldn't do it to my DM even if i had the option, as she doesn't want to and i respect that.

FelineExtraStrongMincePie · 17/12/2013 04:37

My parents live 4 hours away and although fit and well, are in their 70s, enjoying well earned retirement.

DD was in paid for childcare pre school. Me and DP worked 4 days each to reduce costs and have time with her.

Now DD is in school, we pay for after school club. Holidays are a challenge. My parents come and stay with us for a week, during which we book DD into a holiday activity. We work that week, and my parents do the dropping off and picking up of DD. It works well, they adore being with her, they get time to themselves, and DD gets to show off to them for a week. We couldn't be more grateful.

vvviola · 17/12/2013 04:58

When we lived near my DPs they were our back-up. If DD was sick, or the childminder couldn't take her for whatever reason, or if we were running late, my parents would pick DD up. I'd often get a phone call on a Wednesday afternoon asking if they could pick her up early too. Grin

But it was all very much on their terms, and we were hugely grateful for whatever they did.

Then when we moved away the first time, DD would often spend a week or long weekend with my DPs if DH & I couldn't get time off during crèche/school holidays.

We're now too far away for anything like that which is a pity as it means DD2 doesn't have the same close relationship with my DPs that DD1 has.

NotYoMomma · 17/12/2013 05:54

my mum and Dad have my kids 3 days a week. they offered and I gratefully accepted.

mum is 63 and Dad is 67 shrug

we are all very happy with this

blahe · 17/12/2013 07:22

I have no family nearby so it was never an option for us anyway. However my Mum already said she wouldn't do any childcare in order for me to work as she "doesn't agree with working mothers" - completely bypassing the fact that she was one herself and I went to my Nan's Hmm.

I did not want them to help anyway because as much as my parents are fantastic, they do overstep the boundaries and this would give them the "green light" to have more say in my children's upbringing then I would want.

They have the boys at the weekend approx every 6 weeks which is great as it means DH and I have time alone. They do help out in emergency when they have been poorly and couldn't go to childcare eg chickenpox - and again I am SO grateful as they had to leave home at 6am to get to me so I could leave for work.

I really feel I have the best of both worlds. The boys are in stable, reliable childcare BUT I have my parents as emergency backup (if they are able) and to enable us to have some time out.

Groovee · 17/12/2013 07:30

My ds is 11 and in his last year of primary. I have a childminder whom I use 2 days a week. Dd is now 13. But if I had to work any of the days I didn't have the childminder, then MIL would have them before/after school. That way I felt I wasn't asking too much (unlike SIL who thought MIL should do free childcare even though she didn't work).

MIL still does the odd morning, but I'm usually home for ds.

My granny retired when I went to school. She saved my mum and dad a fortune. But it was hard not going home every day after school.

allotmenteer · 17/12/2013 07:45

GPs here.... we shared DGS with other set of GPs - they had him two days and we had him every Friday - we share overnights. We work, they are retired - we just don't work Fridays. Worked fabulously for us GPs and for DGS who is an absolute smasher - was very very very hard for mum and dad who had to share DGS with four other doting adults who thought the sun shone, water parted etc etc whenever he was around. Bump will be making an appearance shortly so mum now on maternity leave - she is planning to take off a year so no need for us GPs to be so involved. We will be tho' as want the close relationship to continue with DGS and as he will be in nursery for three days soon we will be in a position to start to have the same relationship with bump when the time comes (can't wait). We have been absolutely privileged to have been able to offer this care (and know other GPs feel the same) - it has been magical. My OH is a bit long-faced as he is losing his playmate for a while!

comingintomyown · 17/12/2013 08:37

DM lives abroad so my teen kids have never been looked after by her apart from the odd night babysitting when visiting. I doubt it would be a lot different if she lived next door !

Projecting ahead I doubt I would want to be tied into a regular childcare arrangement and I know of a few GPs who resent doing it but feel they don't have a choice.