To ask who uses Grandparents for 'Free Childcare'

[Writerwannabe83]

Currently 25 weeks pregnant and over the last few weeks me and DH have been sitting down with a calculator, looking at our finances and making decisions about Maternity pay and returning to work etc.

He kept making comments about how he'd ask his mom to have baby one day a week to reduce our childcare costs - and I said absolutely not. He thinks that because she only works part time it isn't an issue I told him that as his mom is 60 it isn't fair to ask her to look after a 1 year old all day long and make that commitment to us as a long-term thing. He has made the occasional jokey comment to his parents about their role in childcare and from her reaction it is quite clear it isn't something she wants to do, and I don't blame her. I wouldn't ever dream of asking my parents either.

I have always been a bit about the issue - obviously there is no problem if the Grandparents offer and genuinely want to help out, but it certainly shouldn't be assumed. My sister really took advantage of our mom when it came to childcare and I swear I'd never do the same.

We have factored in our plan that I will return to work 3 days a week and we will pay for 3 days childcare. I said to my husband that we chose to have a baby and so it is our financial responsibility - not a case of just give the baby to Grandma so we can save some money.

I know some Grandparents offer to do it and absolutely love to do it, and that's great, but I also know of a lot of grandparents who do it because they feel obliged to but are actually quite resentful.

What are people's thoughts??
Are there negatives as well as positives to relying on grandparents this way?

I'm a young mother and my parents are in their early forties, so they still work full time. I know they would do it if they could though. I couldn't ask my grandparents as they are in their 70s and couldn't look after a 7 month old all day.

I work part time and my DS goes to a childminder 3 days a week. He loves it but it is costly, £400 a month.

Yes but I wouldn't say it is 'free childcare' as in our family its just what you do…look after kids so the parents can work. My nan did it for my mum and she does it for me and I hope that I can help my DS if he ever has children.

My mum loves it and she is 63 and my son loves it. My mum misses him when I am on annual leave and makes any old excuse up to text and see him. My mum would have been gutted if I had paid someone to have DS rather than her and would have taken it as an insult. Family is family and I think some of the problems we have in society is the massive breakdown of extended family helping out and not seeing looking after the children in the family as their problem. Not sure that makes sense but I've a stinking cold.

My mum has the time to do things with my son that I don't always get the time to do as I have to catch up on cleaning etc. My mum has more patience than me as she generally has more time. Plus I'm a bit useless at remembering stuff and because my mum takes DS to pre-school 3 times a week she knows whats going on as well and can remind me and she also knows his friends/parents etc.

They have a great relationship.

I think I feel 'odd' about it as when the babies get to crawling/toddling age it must be a nightmare to try and control them and entertain them for a whole day - I just wouldn't want to inflict that on a 60 year old women who is still working. Surely on her days off she deserves a rest? I suppose I might feel differently if she didn't work at all which I'm assuming is the case of most grandparents that are being discussed in this thread. I had a hospital appointment last week and the technician doing my ECG was telling me that her daughter has recently returned to work and she (the technician, I.e grandma) has the 10month old 2 days a week. The woman was telling me how hard she finds it as she works the other 3 days a week, and that it wouldn't have been such an issue if she was younger, but at 62 it is just too much. She said she doesn't know how to get out of it though. It just made me feel quite bad for her.

I imagine once the children are older and it is just a case of picking them up from school and having them for a few hours it is much easier, but I just wouldn't feel right asking grandparents aged 60+ to deal with my baby/toddler all day long.

My MIL has said she wants to be the baby's Grandma, not childminder.
I'm just so glad my husband is now in agreement, I am just praying to God he doesn't go behind my back and start 'casually mentioning' it to her again. It just makes me so uncomfortable.

We couldn't afford childcare for our two kids and we both work 40+ hours each.
Fil has the kids 2 or 3 days a week on his own as he's semi retired (early 50s) hubby on his days off and me on my days off , guaranteed there will be one day when all 3 of us are working so then our great grand parents have them between them - one set on a morning then the other set till bedtime ( we work long shifts usually till at least 7pm and its to long as they are in there 60s/70s)
Mil and fil have them overnight on a Friday.
Fil semi retired and offered to be our main childcare so I could go back to work as we needed the money.

I am eternally greatful for their help.

My parents do emergency cover, and occasionally have the toddler for a few days if we have a really manic period at work. I'm hoping they will move to where we live in the next few years, but even then I wouldn't use them for regular or long childcare. I know they love DD but they get knackered. I don't ever want them to feel as though seeing their grandchildren is a 'job' as opposed to fun time, which I worry might happen if they had a set day. Having said that they love having her and would probably have her more by choice if they were nearer!

X-post.

My MIL has said she wants to be the baby's Grandma, not childminder.

That's what I worry about. Obviously if GP offer than all is great. But if not, then I'd worry that the relationship becomes a bit skewed.

A few hours after school one a week isn't too much though.

My mum used to say that if I had a baby she'd look after it if I wanted to work, perhaps because she is quite anti-nursery. This was rather hypothetical as at that point I don't think I'd even met DH. Anyway DH was very keen to be near my family when we had children so my parents do help out a lot. However, this is on more of an informal basis as I'm a SAHM - my mum is not committed to any particular day. When I just had my son she would look after him on an ad-hoc basis when I did proofreading work at home. Since having DD it's more a case of her coming round and helping out and she also told us we should get rid of our cleaners as she would do the cleaning! She was 61 when DS was born but is generally very fit and healthy. My dad lives about an hour away and doesn't really help with childcare as such but visits once a week.

If your MIL hasn't offered than perhaps she is not keen to help out on a regular basis but would be happy to babysit sometimes - but have a word with her to see what she thinks.

I see a lot of grandparents at toddler groups who look after their grandchildren on a regular basis; rather worryingly I think I'm nearer the age of some of the grandparents than the parents! I think where I live more people have family near by than do not.

I'm not worried that she won't be involved, she actually lives on the same street as us, and she is over the moon about becoming a Grandma She will always be there for us in emergencies, I know she will always want to babysit and take baby to the park or zoo etc. Thats what a Grandparents role is in my eyes, to spend time with their GC when it happens, not on a set day as specific childcare. I was just bought up with the mantra of, if you can't afford children then you don't have them, which in my eyes encompassed being able to afford childcare whilst you're at work. Me and my DH have a good joint income but we know we can only afford to have one child because we couldn't afford childcare for two - and we just accept that.

Our parents look after our DS for 2 days each during the week whilst we work. I had a childminder all lined up but our parents wouldn't have it, they want to look after DS and are all between 56 and 62. Our DS is a year old and a handful but they seem to be coping better than me most days!

I'd lined up a childminder because I felt the same way as you did, if our parents hadn't offered then I might have approached my mum to have him for 1 day a week as I really wanted him to have that time with her, but I really didn't need to as she offered straight away. I agree with what you're saying but 1 day a week will give your parents chance to do more with your baby, I doubt that will be too much for them. However, if parents are reluctant then I absolutely agree that you need to find an alternative as it could lead to resentment.

I wouldn't be surprised if despite her reluctance now, when the baby is actually born and she has formed that attachment the MIL will be begging to have him one day a week

My DM insisted on packing in work to look after my DD and I knew there would be no problems as we have the same standards and expectations. Neither of us wanted my DD to go to a baby nursery and I was eager for my DD to have a close relationship with DM. I have a close relationship with my nana and wanted that for my DD. I give my DM money each week but my DF still works and they are very comfortable. It made me going back to work far less stressful as I knew my DD was in excellent hands with someone who loved her.

My DD is now 4 years old and my parents collect her from school each day and give her tea before I collect her. When they go on holiday I take time off work but we tend to all take our holidays at the same time anyway albeit to different destinations. If my parents have commitments I ask one of my aunts to care for DD.

I am very lucky to have my parents who dearly love my DD. I am an only child and DD will be too so there will be no chance of them needing to care for other children. I never underestimate the importance of a good extended family who live close by for emotional and practical support. Both my nana and DM have given excellent child care advice on matters I wouldn't have had a clue about.

I hope I can do the same for my daughter if her DC need me.

Have skimmed, but I think age is a big factor here. My parents were 50 when my sister had her kids, and well up for looking after them. They're 70 now I'm having mine, and I would feel guilty asking them to look after them too much. They are pretty hard work!

When i had my dd her dad worked & i was a sahm. We could afford to have a child. However now i am a single parent, not through choice, my circumstances are very different and sometimes money is tight. Does that mean that i shouldnt have my dd because i cant afford childcare?

When i had my dd her dad worked & i was a sahm. We could afford to have a child. However now i am a single parent, not through choice, my circumstances are very different and sometimes money is tight. Does that mean that i shouldnt have my dd because i cant afford childcare?

Totally depends on whether they want to do it.

My DM asked me if she could, then cried when I said yes. It involved her and DF doing 3 long days a week, and they had to travel for 3-4 hours at the start and end of each "working" week. I

've never known her happier, she was in her element and built up a brilliant relationship with DS - but I wouldn't have dreamed of imposing it on her if she hadn't been so keen to do it.

i completely agree with you OP- my DM looks after DD for two days but only because she offered, and has made it a permanent commitment- I still check every week that it is alright It has worked out really really well, but I would never have asked if she hadn't offered.

No that's not what I meant nickname because at the time you had your daughter you could afford childcare (be a SAHM). Perhaps I wasn't very clear - I was referring to situations where a couple know that if they have another baby they wouldn't be able to afford childcare but go ahead anyway with the expectation that the Grandparents will do it.

It's obviously different if they discuss it with the GP first who say they will be happy to offer F/T childcare and so then the couple go on to try and have a baby - but I know some people have children under the pure assumption that the GP will pick up the pieces.

My friend has very recently done this and now her mum is left holding her 9 month old baby and her toddler as my friend has just returned to work. It has caused a lot of family tension, the GP aren't happy about the situation at all but feel there is absolutely nothing they can do about it.

Ok i know what you mean. My dsis is like this. She still stays at home, had 2 babies in a year & dumps them on my mum at least once a day while she does her own thing and moans that the house is crowded. She is nearly 30yrs old btw.

Yanbu for your reasons.

My dm does have my daughter 3 days a week, although one of those days she is at nursery so she does the before and after. It wasn't how I intended it to be but my xh left me in the lurch so my dm stepped in without me asking. Because I have my dm I can still work, without her I couldn't work shifts that I do

Both mine and DP's parents work full time so would be unable to look after our baby and I don't think they'd want to - I'd never ask!
I'm going to university in September though which is 2 days a week and my lovely grandparents and DP's grandma have offered to have our baby due in Jan. We've accepted but only because we're sure that they definitely want to and it won't create any tension.

I could afford a nanny and did. However my Mum was integral to everything. She looked after the DCs when the nanny went home and we couldn't. She was a big big part of their lives and I am so pleased that she and they enjoyed their time together. I truly believe that it gave my DM a new lease of life.

We give and we take. I hope that I give more than I take. For my mother, her relationship with my children was the single most important relationship in her life. She is much missed and much loved.

If your DM wants a relationship with your children and looks after them for a day a week or whatever, I would encourage it. And foster it. Grandparents are so important. When you have your DC, you will realise that it takes a village to raise a child.

My parents didn't offer, however I decided to ask anyway after Ds was born. They said no, having seen various of their friends run ragged by caring for grandchildren. However, over the course of my maternity leave they had a change of heart and offered to have DS one day a week, this worked out really well and continued when DD came along 2 years later, it carried on until they started school. My parents have absolutely loved doing it, my mum says with hindsight it would have been one of the biggest mistakes of her life not to have done it. They were in their early/mid 60s when my DCs were born, retired but in good health and with no other grandchildren (and knew there would not be any others). My DCs loved and still do love having a day at the GPS without us in the school holidays or at a weekend.

Depends on the 60 year old as to whether it's too tiring to look after DC on her days off, surely? My 60 yr old mother cycles 4 miles to my house to look after my DC, then goes to her allotment in the evening (well, not in the winter!). This morning she cycled via my house to work - not via at all, added about 3 miles to her journey! - to drop something off.