To ask who uses Grandparents for 'Free Childcare'

[Writerwannabe83]

Currently 25 weeks pregnant and over the last few weeks me and DH have been sitting down with a calculator, looking at our finances and making decisions about Maternity pay and returning to work etc.

He kept making comments about how he'd ask his mom to have baby one day a week to reduce our childcare costs - and I said absolutely not. He thinks that because she only works part time it isn't an issue I told him that as his mom is 60 it isn't fair to ask her to look after a 1 year old all day long and make that commitment to us as a long-term thing. He has made the occasional jokey comment to his parents about their role in childcare and from her reaction it is quite clear it isn't something she wants to do, and I don't blame her. I wouldn't ever dream of asking my parents either.

I have always been a bit about the issue - obviously there is no problem if the Grandparents offer and genuinely want to help out, but it certainly shouldn't be assumed. My sister really took advantage of our mom when it came to childcare and I swear I'd never do the same.

We have factored in our plan that I will return to work 3 days a week and we will pay for 3 days childcare. I said to my husband that we chose to have a baby and so it is our financial responsibility - not a case of just give the baby to Grandma so we can save some money.

I know some Grandparents offer to do it and absolutely love to do it, and that's great, but I also know of a lot of grandparents who do it because they feel obliged to but are actually quite resentful.

What are people's thoughts??
Are there negatives as well as positives to relying on grandparents this way?

My mum looks after DS 2.5 days a week, about 6.5 hrs per day as I start work late and DH finishes early on those days. She offered back when I was pg and said she would like to do it.

Positives are that he has an amazing relationship with her, someone who loves him is caring for him, she can be flexible if needs be and takes him to groups, outings etc. It has also made us closer in some ways. I feel very lucky.

Negatives are that it's hard to tell her if I'm unhappy with something and there have been some times of tension, although we've got through these so far (6 months). The tension has mostly come from one of us feeling criticised. Food is a big one as others have said, also napping. The main thing is to keep communication open and talk about issues rather than letting them build up.

We give her £20 a week to cover any expenses and I provide food although she often cooks for him herself. This is obviously much cheaper than a nursery or cm would be and we are grateful for that as we are trying to save for a house deposit but it isn't the reason we are choosing to do it this way. If you want your mil to be involved then I would approach it from that point of view rather than from a financial perspective.

My in laws pick my daughter up from school 3 days per week
Husband goes there after work and they have dinner with the grandparents

There are no problems with this
They love having her and she loves going there (husband loves not having to make dinner)

They offered to have her

Funny how little people are mentioning grandfathers. I suppose I expect less because my dad didn't bother much with me when I was child let alone my children.

Many of my friends are already grand parents and some of them do feel under huge pressure to provide a child care service when they really don't want to. I personally think it puts grandparents in a very difficult position; my own parents and ILs lived no where near us when our DC were younger so it was never something that we even considered.

Personally I would have no wish whatsoever to provide childcare for my own grandchildren (if/when I have them) - I look forward to doing what I want to do in my retirement, I have plenty of interests and hobbies and look forward to pursuing them. Happy to do evening/weekend babysitting but not full on childcare.

It can build up all sorts of areas of resentment, as seen on the threads on here .

I have had my children, done all the hard work.

I have absolutely no desire to do the hard work again with my future gc just the fun bits thanks.

me and dh both work and have busy social lives so would help in an emergency and babysit but that's it.

also I think it's fair that kids are with adults who can physically and mentally cope with them day to day and I hate seeing knackered looking frazzled older people trying to run after toddlers.

still each to own.

Mine do one day a week but because and only because they want to. It is absolutely the case that if they want to stop fine, if they need to change the arrangement one week fine (nursery are usually pretty flexible on extra days anyway).

Interestingly for years my mother had banged on about how she would never be lumbered with childcare .

OP yanbu I wouldn't ask if they don't want to do it.

I think you're not being unreasonable. It's one thing to ask grandparents to babysit as an occasional favour, or to help out in an emergency when you're really stuck, but providing regular childcare is a different matter.

I imagine it can be a bit awkward if you have any dispute or difference of opinion about how things are to be done, it's a different dynamic from what you'd have with a paid nanny or childminder, and could be more difficult for you to assert what you want.

PILS looked after DD one day a week after I went back to work at 5 months, til she started school 4 year later.

But this was their choice. They asked if they could - I worked not far from thwir home. We agreed to it for one day a week, but did also choce a local nursery 2 other days a week. I didn;t feel it would be ideal for all 3 days personally. I am glad I made that decision too - DD got a lot from her nursery days and she also retained the nice grandparent/gradnchild relationship without it taking on too close a childcare role.

When we moved back to my home town when dd1 was a baby my mum was very vocal about not being used for free childcare. This suited me fine, I wanted them to be able to be grandparents, not in a quasi-parental role as I think that can cause problems if you're not on the same page about a particular issue. My parents have however always been my emergency/back up childcare if one of the dds is ill for example and actually over the years they have taken on more regular childcare and now do one after school pick up a week (4:30-6) and a day a week in the holidays. This was their choice however and I've always said if they don't want to do it I'll make other arrangements.

My Dad is 65 and widowed. He looks after my daughter 1 and a half days a week. He won't take any money for helping but we buy him gifts/ cinema vouchers/ National Trust membership etc. He offered and we were very glad he did. I much prefer her with him than elsewhere. They have a very special and close relationship. They also get up to all sorts that we wouldn't do so it is a winner all round as far as I am concerned.

I'm looking after my niece at the mo whilst her dm and df work.As a family nearly all of us work opposite shifts we all(including gp's) watch each others kids...childcare costs are ridiculous and we help each other out so we don't have to pay for it.It's what families do for each other.I understand not all families are the same though.

Thants, my Dad was a very hands on Dad too so he slipped into the role easy. DH and I are very strict with DD. Grandad less so. We are fine with that though but I imagine if you want to keep things exactly as you want it may be harder to accept someone else's discipline.

I am actually genuinely surprised at just how many people have the GPs providing childcare. I had no idea so many people did it. Is it really the norm these days??

I've just realised I don't know any working mothers (with local-ish parents) who DON'T use their parents as childcare.

My DSis paid my mum to do childcare, but she was keen and it was her career. I wouldn't ask even if they lived locally as she is almost 70 now and I think it would be far too exhausting. YANBU.

I think it's unfair not to pay a nominal amount for food, nappies, playgroups etc at the very least.

When I had dc1 my DM had her 2 days a week, and MIL 1 day. This was 11 years ago - I went back to work FT when dc1 was 4 months old.

I have 3 now, and DM picks them up from school once a week and looks after them for a couple of hours. I wouldn't ask her to go back to 2 days a week because she is older and has a a lot of commitments now. Also, if she's ill or on holiday or has an appointment then I find alternative childcare, my DMs time comes first.

Both sets of GPs enjoy looking after the children and I think they have a really good relationship with them. My DM feels close to dc1 because of the time spent looking after her when she was a baby.

My mother had DS 1 day a wok from when I went back to work when he was 7 months. Mil wanted to do the other 4 days but I think it would have been too much for her. She was seriously ill just before I went back so we got a childminder for those days.

Now mil picks DS up from school 3 days per week but she has her other GC as well so they all play together it works well but I would not have asked. Both offered.

I would say it's 'less the norm' now than years ago. My grandmothers generation were far less likely to be working than my mothers generation. It depends on family dynamics though, my grandmother looked after me a lot. But judging by the number of grandparents at the school gate it's definitely common, unsurprisingly so given the astronomical cost of childcare.

My parents looked after my children.

It wasn't quite full time though, they did 3.5 days a week term time only as I'm a teacher. They had son 1 for 6 months when he was 1, then I had maternity leave with the second, then they had them both until they started school.

They offered, I didn't ask. My mum was very keen, in fact - as with a pp they moved across the country to be nearer. And I gave them money - not the "going rate" but enough to cover food / petrol / treats etc. so they weren't out of pocket.

My parents are very keen walkers so the boys spent a lot of time hiking about in the woods and climbing mountains.

My Mum is by herself now,and retired,and I think that,in the main,she enjoys looking after my junior school aged kids.

My family all pitch in to help at school holidays. Even my almost 80yr old nan.

I put them in holiday club for 2 days and my family have them the other 3 days between them,or sometimes my nan has them for a whole half term at a time.

I wouldn't call it using, I would call it them wanting to pitch in. My dc are very close to to my nan, mum, and brother due to this. I think it's lovely for them.

Both my DM and DPiL offered to have DD. DM initially did two days a week and DPiL did one day, CM the other two days. Now DD is at pre school they do drop off and pick up on respective days. My Mum stays at ours overnight.
I grew up with my Paternal grandmother collecting me from school and I had such a lovely relationship with her, I wanted my DD to have the same.
Both sets were 63-64 when DD was born. She is also an only grandchild on both sides, I think that makes a difference.

That said I would never have asked if they didn't offer.

My parents never offered to do childcare so I never asked! Sure, they will babysit for the evening or help out in the holidays but I would feel uncomfortable with them having DC for full working days.
A close friend however does use her parent for childcare and though free she often comes to clashes if her parents I are sick or have a better offer! They also go on holidays frequently which leave her short and tend not to want to take her dcs out to clubs and groups which has led to a certain degree of clingy ness.

Our DS goes to my mum and dad twice a week, and nursery twice a week.
He was originally booked in to nursery from 6 months old but my Dad said they would rather have him.
I wouldnt have asked as both my parents are in their 60s but they insisted and we do pay them, although less than we would pay the nursery.
My DS has the most amazing relationship with my DM and DF and the only downside is sometimes I get a stupidly a little jealous that he loves them so very much.
There is no one I would trust with my DS more than my DM and my DF, except my partner obviously :)

My experience and comments are almost identical to those of strangeglue