Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask who uses Grandparents for 'Free Childcare'

195 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 16/12/2013 17:10

Currently 25 weeks pregnant and over the last few weeks me and DH have been sitting down with a calculator, looking at our finances and making decisions about Maternity pay and returning to work etc.

He kept making comments about how he'd ask his mom to have baby one day a week to reduce our childcare costs - and I said absolutely not. He thinks that because she only works part time it isn't an issue Hmm I told him that as his mom is 60 it isn't fair to ask her to look after a 1 year old all day long and make that commitment to us as a long-term thing. He has made the occasional jokey comment to his parents about their role in childcare and from her reaction it is quite clear it isn't something she wants to do, and I don't blame her. I wouldn't ever dream of asking my parents either.

I have always been a bit Hmm about the issue - obviously there is no problem if the Grandparents offer and genuinely want to help out, but it certainly shouldn't be assumed. My sister really took advantage of our mom when it came to childcare and I swear I'd never do the same.

We have factored in our plan that I will return to work 3 days a week and we will pay for 3 days childcare. I said to my husband that we chose to have a baby and so it is our financial responsibility - not a case of just give the baby to Grandma so we can save some money.

I know some Grandparents offer to do it and absolutely love to do it, and that's great, but I also know of a lot of grandparents who do it because they feel obliged to but are actually quite resentful.

What are people's thoughts??
Are there negatives as well as positives to relying on grandparents this way?

OP posts:
Norfolknway · 16/12/2013 19:41

Yup, 1 day per week my MIL has our 2 yo DD.

They have a great relationship and she's really close to DH's family because of it and they all look forward to seeing one and other.

ImaginativeNewName · 16/12/2013 19:46

DH's mum has our two on a Sunday night and all day on a Monday. She is coming up for 60 but still in work, involved in the local community and a complete star. She will never slow down and the boys love her. She says they keep her young. They are turning me grey... Grin

But then again we are a very involved, live close by, keys to each other's houses, popping in, doing favours family. If you didn't live like this, it'd imagine you would feel it was strange. I'm not very close to my father and would never ask or want him to do similar.

Rosencrantz · 16/12/2013 19:47

We used grandparents but paid them.

JanePurdy · 16/12/2013 19:57

I went back to work when DC were 5 and 2. My mum said she didn't want dc2 to go nursery at that age & she would have them. She looks after them 2 days a week. I have absolute faith in her & trust her totally. She dropped a day at work in order to do it. She is 60 but is clear she will only be doing it till DC2 is about 3 - then she's going off for her active retirement! I know she finds it tiring & frustrating at times but she also genuinely enjoys spending time with small children - she missed her calling as an EYFS teacher.

shebird · 16/12/2013 19:57

My MIL helps with my DDs in the school holidays. When they were little she looked on the rare occasion we went out or in emergencies when they were too ill to go to nursery.
I appreciate all that she does and we have an honest relationship where she will say no when she can't or doesn't want to and there is no bad feeling or resentment. I would say make your own arrangements if you can and perhaps she could help out now and then without being committed. It also depends on your relationship with her.

PeriodFeatures · 16/12/2013 20:00

My friend's DM drives 140 mile round trip to look after her DC for a day every week. I personally would hate my DM to do that.

JanePurdy · 16/12/2013 20:00

Oh & re grandfathers - my dad will be taking on a day a week when he goes part time in the new year but I definite see more grans around.

ImaginativeNewName · 16/12/2013 20:03

Money isn't really an issue with DH's family but I always cover the dc's costs if I know they are doing something in advance. I didn't think you were supposed to pay family for childcare, depending on whose home they are looked after in. Unless they are a registered childminder and declaring the income obviously.

DragonMamma · 16/12/2013 20:04

My DM has my DC2 one day a week, but this is a fairly recent arrangement (as in the past few weeks) and he is 2.5, so not a baby and she can still get out and about.

My own GM picks DC2 up from nursery one afternoon a week and has him until I get home. My stepfather also picks up DC1 from school 5 days a week, because my dsis is the same age as my DC1 and so he's going to get her anyway.

I couldn't manage without my family. Before I went back to work I would do most of the childcare for my DM over the holidays and if my Dsis was ill etc, so it has been give and take the past few years.

XiCi · 16/12/2013 20:06

I think the gps looking after them is the ideal really if all parties are happy. My dd's childcare is shared between the two sets of gps and has been since she was 12 weeks. They both wanted to look after her and offered to do it. I felt so much better about having to work knowing she was with people who loved her rather than in a nursery and its lovely to see how close she is to her nanas and grandads.
On a practical level of course gps are so much more flexible if you get stuck late in work, stuck in traffic,baby ill etc.
I do feel incredibly lucky and grateful to both sets of parents

JanePurdy · 16/12/2013 20:07

Just thinking more about support over & above I've had from my family - when dc2 was born DP went off paternity leave to 13hr shifts, so my dad took a week off work to help me out, & my mum came over every bedtime the following week. I love my parents.

roweeena · 16/12/2013 20:07

Neither set of GPs live close to us, my mum has clearly stated she wouldn't want to commit to it even if we lived closer. My PIL on the other hand happily do three days for SIL which is very annoying for us as they do mon & Friday which means they can never come to see is for a long weekend. SIL also has other GP which do one day a week

XiCi · 16/12/2013 20:09

Btw, I think the wording of your post "uses grandparents for free childcare" sounds really horrid. It's about what's best for your child, your situation, what's right for the grandparents etc. Not just about what's best for your bank balance at everyone else's expense

Methe · 16/12/2013 20:14

My mil picks up our children a couple of time a week and takes them home from school and gives them tea. She has generally had them once or twice a week since I went back to work when the eldest was 12 months old.

She is wonderful and we appreciate her help so much. My Parents would do the same if we lived closer.

Tbh, it is not something I've ever really given much thought to before but I guess I think that it's what grandparents should so, if they can. My grandparents did it for my parents and I know I'll be willing to do it for my own children.

Isn't that what family is about?

randomAXEofkindness · 16/12/2013 20:20

I will gladly help my kids or siblings out with childcare if needed in future, because that is how I believe a loving, close family works. I dont really 'get' the arseyness this sort of thing is greeted with on here.

I agree with this.

I've been flamed before now for daring to consider looking after dss 3/4 days a week for the last 10 years/next 4 years + (while both of his parents work) as 'free childcare'. But interestingly, it seems to be found universally acceptable to use the same description to describe looking after their own flesh and blood grandchildren Hmm

randomAXEofkindness · 16/12/2013 20:22

*your, not their.

feelingdizzy · 16/12/2013 20:23

My parents have the children 1/2 days a week after school.They would like it more.My kids are 10 and 11 though so not too much hard work.

bakewelltartandcustard · 16/12/2013 20:34

I'm a grandparent and have given my DCs 12 years of childcare. I love being closely involved and it's good to know I've been useful.
I do feel taken for granted sometimes, am rarely thanked and almost never given any help in return. I know young families are frantically busy but please don't let your family care be all in one direction.

trilbydoll · 16/12/2013 20:37

When i go back to work we will use a nursery, all our parents still work albeit mainly part time. But it means we have a backup, my mum will take DD when nursery won't and they are happy to have her for an evening. I think if they had her regularly they would not want any extra!

mydoorisalwaysopen · 16/12/2013 20:39

My mum picks up from school once a week which she and the kids enjoy. I rarely ask for other babysitting favors but she is usually OK to step in if the kids are off sick. I found it better at the nursery stage to always use nursery as it was totally reliable but again mum would step in in an emergency. Go with what is right for your family.

Its0kToBeMe · 16/12/2013 20:44

I couldn't work if it wasn't for my mum. I only work three nights a week so as to lighten the load. Both DD and DS are good sleepers luckily.

zebdee · 16/12/2013 20:47

I think it's too much when still working. It's causing huge issues in my mums friends family just now but there one day a week has escalated to 2 days and 2 nights. I'd keep grandparent shaped favours for when dc has chicken pox or one of the other 100 bugs they'll get that mean they have to be off!!

JohnCusacksWife · 16/12/2013 21:15

When my daughters were young my parents looked after them one day a week and they were in paid childcare two days a week. My mum actually wanted to have the girls more often but I resisted as I was always very conscious that they had done their child rearing and should be enjoying their retirement...not providing me with free childcare. It was a wonderful arrangement and as a result my girls are very close to my mum and dad...much closer than to their other GPs. My parents still have the girls after school one day per week from 3-6.30 and they love it. I'm so thankful to my parents for all they do for us. I think it's when it's expected and taken for granted that things go wrong.

KitCat26 · 16/12/2013 21:23

My parents live too far away to do this, but will help out for a special occasion (they don't do sick children).

MIL lives round the corner. She is 85 and helps out with DD2 (2) a couple of times a month - they play with bricks, watch lots of telly and eat loads of sweets/crisps. DD2 has a fab time Grin.

If the GPs want to do it that's brilliant. If they don't, fair enough.

NicknameIncomplete · 16/12/2013 21:44

My mum looks after my dd (9) when i am working. If it wasnt for her i wouldnt be able to work. I appreciate it so much and always show it by thanking her, buying her gifts and doing things for her.