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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Re.YR and evening Christmas play?

341 replies

MolotovCocktail · 16/12/2013 16:44

Dd is 4.10yo in YR. She is doing her school Christmas play this week: one tomorrow and one on Wednesday. There is also an evening performance tomorrow which parents have not been asked about. A letter was sent home today telling us to return our children to school at 6.

My dd has been quite tired in the evenings (end of term fatigue, I think). If I'd been asked, I wouldn't have given permission to do the evening slot.

WIBU if I didn't return her to school tomorrow evening if she's tired?

OP posts:

Tailtwister · 17/12/2013 09:47

I can understand why you're reluctant OP. It is a late night after a long term, especially when she's doing 2 other performances.

However, you have known about it for 2 months and should really have raised an object to it early on. Leaving it until days before to pull out makes things tricky.

It's not just about parents seeing the performance, but children having someone there to see them. All the children deserve to have this chance.

Personally, I would just take her. It's just one night at the very end of term and she has all of the Christmas holidays to recover.

unlucky83 · 17/12/2013 11:21

Just a thought - how do these parents who know their 4 yo can't cope with a late night know? If they never have a break from their routine...????
Thinking back to my DCs at that age and younger DD1 at 2.5- 3 (in FT nursery) went through a stage (I think when she stopped wanting afternoon naps) where after I picked her up at 6pm she would fall asleep on the way home. I had to get the Nursery to give her dinner at 5.30pm, if they did this she slept through no problems until 7am. Otherwise I would have to wake her to feed her and she would be a grouchy nightmare -or she would wake up later hungry and be a nightmare too. This only lasted for a month or so then she was fine. By 4, as I said early, she coped with the school evening nativity no problems -as did DD2.
Maybe these people who think their 4 yo 'can't cope' haven't tried a later bedtime recently...they might be surprised.
Excuse I think your school are doing it wrong...at our primary the children all sing the songs all the way through - so a bit of 'action' on stage then all the children at the side stand up and sing a song, bit more action on stage, children sing etc etc ...all of them get at least one song when they are on the stage - stops them getting bored! And watching the wee ones (4-5) stood in front of my DD2 last week at the evening performance not one seemed tired/bored/fidgetty etc ...all seemed to be having a fantastic exciting time - as did my DCs.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/12/2013 12:24

I am not sure if this has already been suggested - but could you take her for the performance, and then let her sleep in, the next morning, then have a leisurely breakfast, and take her to school mid-morning? That might help with the tiredness, whilst still allowing her to be in the play.

I have to say, I can see why the school are doing an evening performance, and if enough parents keep their little ones away, as you are thinking of doing, the performance will be spoilt for the parents who are going to the evening show - which would be a real shame (and I am sure you would be upset if only half the kids were at your performance, making it a shadow of itself) - and as others have said, you have known about the evening performance for a couple of months, so have had plenty of time to make a decision about whether or not to let your child take part - last minute dropping out is not fair on everyone else in the play, or the teachers who have worked so hard on it, or the parents looking forward to seeing the play that evening.

So my suggestion would be to look for ways to help your child cope with the evening performance - maybe even enjoy it. Perhaps when she gets home from school, you and she could curl up in front of a nice, Christmassy dvd, so she has a rest, even if she doesn't have a nap - then a tasty tea before going back into school for the play - then a late start at school in the morning.

Original poster

MolotovCocktail · 17/12/2013 17:29

I wouldn't be able to send dd into school at lunchtime tomorrow as she has a morning performance to do aswell. If that wasn't a factor, its a very good idea.

I sent a note into school warning that she has been tired and if she is too tired this evening, wouldn't be attending. I apologised in advance for the inconvenience.

I gave Dd the option of attending but she really didn't want to - she just wanted her milk, a biscuit and a rest, ready for tomorrow. I think that's fair enough.

In a note to her teacher tomorrow, I have thanked them for their understanding (they wrote to me that they know how my dd feels!) and that we appreciate all of their hard work and are really sorry for this inconvenience.

That's just the way it is sometimes. Maybe next year, she will be much better handling tiredness.

That is, if she is ever welcome to do another Christmas play

OP posts:

SuburbanRhonda · 17/12/2013 17:58

It was your comment at 08:35 today, following on from killin's comment that subjective comments about parents can lead to "heaps of trouble" if the parent reads them.

Sorry if the impression I gave was that I had no idea what a personal comment was. I assumed it was obvious that I was talking about this thread .

In our borough, requests by a parent to view a pupil's file must be made in writing to the school. We all know this, therefore we do not make comments based on conjecture or personal opinion. However, a statement of fact, such as that a parent did not bring their child to the production because of reported tiredness, would be perfectly acceptable for to record and for a parent to read. That comment would be personal about the child and the parent, but not unacceptable.

"Ms X is a pain in the butt", on the other hand, might be a step too far, even if true

SuburbanRhonda · 17/12/2013 17:59

Above is to lottie, btw.

KatnipEvergreen · 17/12/2013 19:45

Just a thought - how do these parents who know their 4 yo can't cope with a late night know? confused If they never have a break from their routine...????

PFBs. Say no more.

Original poster

MolotovCocktail · 17/12/2013 19:56

Whether my child is 'pfb' or not, my strength of feelings and commitment to the care of my child will make no difference whether the subject is dd1, dd2 or any subsequent children.

This 'pfb' thing is utter crap, it really is. It's more of an indictment of how you view your children.

OP posts:

SuburbanRhonda · 17/12/2013 19:59

But, OP, "pfb" is in the list of Mumsnet acronyms!

It can't possibly be crap!

lottieandmia · 17/12/2013 20:10

Suburban - I was initially responding to whoever it was up thread who suggested that a teacher had made a veiled threat that notes about them and their child would be passed up the school.

If a parent wants to see their child's file they can make a request under the DPA and this would be done to the LA, not the school. I did this years ago and you would not believe the things I uncovered. The person who wrote them had no idea that I would one day read it and it came back to bite them in the arse.

lottieandmia · 17/12/2013 20:12

What I meant to say was that obviously some information would need to be passed on about the child if it is in their interests and relevant to their provision but any gossiping or unpleasant comments would be taken a dim view of.

Wishihadabs · 17/12/2013 20:19

How is pfb crap ? With the best will in the world you cannot treat your subsequent children in the same way. For example there was a thread today where OP was asking about daytime naps for a six month old. I could recall perfectly his perfect and perfected nap routine. With dd (dc2) not a clue when or how much she slept at 6 months. That's pfb.

CrohnicallySick · 17/12/2013 20:21

Killin- where did I say I wrote it down? It was a confidential conversation between two colleagues. They had more volunteers than they had space for (how rarely that happens!) so I commented that as x had been very travel sick- to the point of being unable to fulfil her role- perhaps they weren't the best person for the job. I wasn't nasty about it in any way, just letting them know the facts so they could make an informed decision as to which parents to take.

DeckTheHallsWithBoughsOfHorry · 17/12/2013 20:26

That kind of note exists in many places. Lots of code though. At my old work there would just be a note saying "speak to before contacting this client/supplier" meaning "beware, we have had trouble with this one, ask Steve for details if necessary".

lottieandmia · 17/12/2013 20:34

How would you feel if your GP wrote notes like this about you though? Whatever way you look at it it is unprofessional behaviour.

PFB has nothing to do with this - it is to do with the individual needs and personality of the child.

OddFodd · 17/12/2013 20:35

No, of course not Wishihadabs. But whether the OP's child is a pfb or is the eldest of 5, she is entitled to keep her out of attending a non-compulsory event if she wants to.

After all, she's a child, not a performing monkey and as far as I know enrolling at a primary school doesn't commit you to keeping your children up late for other people's amusement

lottieandmia · 17/12/2013 20:36

The key thing is that where a professional has a duty of care they should not make personal comments.

Wishihadabs · 17/12/2013 20:39

Christ if you had told me what enrolling in a state primary school did mean you signed up for, I honestly wouldn't have believed it. Ds is year 5 now, this is my 6th Xmas as a primary school mum (7th if you count nursery)

CrohnicallySick · 17/12/2013 20:40

To be honest, Lottie, it wouldn't bother me that much- only if I thought it was an unjustified accusation. It would be naive to think that they didn't discuss patients!

For example, I went back and forth to the doctors several times over a period of a few months with the same complaint. So a doctor commenting that I seemed to have some anxiety over my health/was a hypochondriac/wondering whether to refer me to counselling/things like that would be fine in my book. Something along the lines of 'she's in here every week, there's nothing wrong with her so send her packing' would not, as at that point they hasn't done any tests to determine that there was nothing wrong (there was something wrong by the way).

CrohnicallySick · 17/12/2013 20:40

Sorry, hadn't done any tests

CaterpillarCara · 17/12/2013 20:40

It was me that said the teacher told me notes were passed up the school.

It was not about me and it was not a veiled threat.

Basically, very near the end of reception I arrived to collect my child and another mother had rung the school to say she was having a major crisis and could I also take her daughter home. I was surprised, as I barely knew her but was a bit naïve and did so, as thought that she must have run out of options if she'd asked me. She turned up hours and hours later (my kids were nearly in bed) with mountains of shopping bags from Oxford Street - no crisis.

I was concerned that she not play the trick again, so spoke to the teacher. it then turned out she'd done it to a few other parents, who had been too embarrassed to speak up until I did.

The teacher assured me (as it was near the end of the year), that some form of note would go up with the children so that she couldn't do it in the next class. I think this was appropriate, and am sure there was a way under the DPA that they could professionally word it.

CrohnicallySick · 17/12/2013 20:43

Lottie- a factual statement about 'x didn't come to the Christmas play' or in my case 'y was very travel sick and unable to fulfil her duties' is not a personal comment or gossiping or unpleasant. It is a pertinent comment relating to x and y's abilities to do what has been asked of them.

lottieandmia · 17/12/2013 20:45

Surely in that case Caterpillar the parents would warn each other so that no note from school would be needed

lottieandmia · 17/12/2013 20:47

'X didn't come to the Christmas play' is a harmless statement unless anything else follows it.

lottieandmia · 17/12/2013 20:50

At our school if a child is not collected on time the child goes into after school care, the parent is billed and they have to pay a fine if late. I'm shocked that a parent would not collect their child on time.

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