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Original poster

Anti-gay views in the workplace

171 replies

VenusOfWillendorf · 16/12/2013 15:35

Last week, I went to lunch at our work cafeteria with some colleagues. We were chatting about what we had done over the weekend, and one of them said that he has participated in protest march against gay marriage in a city about three hours from where we live. I was quite shocked by this, and said I needed to finish something back in the office, and left the table. It was about halfway through the meal (I hadn't finished eating, neither had they).
My boss came to me in the afternoon and said that I'd come across as rude. I said that I found his views offensive and couldn't continue eating there. She said he's entitled to do as he likes at the weekend, and that I should perhaps apologise.
I don't agree with her at all. Am I being unreasonable??

[Some background - the colleague in question I know to be quite religious (he's Christian, but I don't know which church). I am not gay myself (though my brother is) and can't stand any form of homophobia].

OP posts:
formerbabe · 16/12/2013 16:03

3 hours out of their weekend to protest?! I'd be tempted to utter the phrase 'thou dost protest too much!'

WilsonFrickett · 16/12/2013 16:04

I am also Shock that your boss asked you to apologise.

Don't.

If boss or colleague brings it up say 'of course you/he is perfectly entitled to do what you/he wish at the weekend, however I am not prepared to listen to homophobic views in the workplace.'

I may also be tempted to check your employer's diversity policy, if you work for a big firm they will have one. If your boss needs nipping in the bud a few quotes from that will usually do the trick.

SlimJiminy · 16/12/2013 16:07

Sounds like she's given the suggestion of apologising, in which case, I'd choose to ignore it. I think you dealt with the situation remarkably well. If she starts insisting that you apologise, stick to your guns. Take it to your HR department if things escalate and she tries to force the issue.

Blatherskite · 16/12/2013 16:14

"Well Adam and Eve cocked it up. Adam and Steve may have made a better job of it."

I love this TheNightIsDark! I'm mentally storing it for future use :)

HermioneWeasley · 16/12/2013 16:18

Shocked that your boss suggested you apologise. If it comes up again I would do the head tilt and say to him/her "are you aware that this comes across as supporting homophobia?" That ought to stick a potato in their tailpipe.

BerryChristmas · 16/12/2013 16:19

Did he foist his views upon you at the dinner table? Did he bang on and on about it during your pigs in blankets? No? Then he is as entitled to his opinion as you are.

If you don't like his views don't talk to him. But YWBU to leave the table if all he said was that he was at a protest march !!

NewtRipley · 16/12/2013 16:22

She left the table in order not to have to listen to him. Alternatively, she could have

a) sucked it up?? not fair on her
b) had a debate, possibly uncomfortable for all concerned.

She was not rude.

DorothyParker1 · 16/12/2013 16:22

If you don't like his views don't talk to him. But YWBU to leave the table if all he said was that he was at a protest march !!

Some people do actually find people who actively campaign to promote poisonous bigotry and then find it appropriate to bring said promotion up in an equal opportunities workplace hard to stomach. Quite reasonably. Getting up and leaving the situation seems to me to be a remarkably polite and measured response.

MaidOfStars · 16/12/2013 16:22

Hmm, I'm not sure I would have left. It is entirely up to him what he does at the weekends. However, a polite "Oh really, on what basis do you object to gay marriage?" might have provoked an opinion on homosexuality, said clearly within the confines of work, that would have got him into an awful lot of trouble...Give him enough rope etc etc.

Also, I couldn't have been as contained as you. Not because I'd necessarily be incandescent (that comes with the same subject after a bottle of red), but because I'd be genuinely intrigued about his views.

noblegiraffe · 16/12/2013 16:23

He went on a public protest march proclaiming his distaste at gay marriage to all and sundry and he is offended that you proclaimed your distaste at this by simply leaving the table?

He needs to get a grip. Bigots should expect to be shunned. Don't apologise.

MaidOfStars · 16/12/2013 16:24

Oh, and yes, your boss is being unreasonable. If he had said he was on an "anti-interracial marriage" march, would you be excused from the apology?

motherinferior · 16/12/2013 16:29

If he wants to be a repulsive bigot, he can only expect other people to be repulsed.

TwerkingNineToFive · 16/12/2013 16:31

You did the right thing, you LTB!
Don't apologise to the nob. I would have to walk away or id risk being even ruder by blowing up. He is entitled to do what he wants on a weekend I suppose but you don't have to look at him while you try to keep your lunch down.

MrsDeVere · 16/12/2013 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotYoMomma · 16/12/2013 16:32

he is wrong to hold those views imo

you were wrong to just get up and walk off without saying anything. it was rude and woukd accomplish absolutley nothing to make him question his views

walking away without asking him and confronting the issue, I would have had to have said something

NotYoMomma · 16/12/2013 16:33

but I woukd not apologise at all

DorothyParker1 · 16/12/2013 16:34

you were wrong to just get up and walk off without saying anything. it was rude and woukd accomplish absolutley nothing to make him question his views

Why is it the OPs responsibility to make him "question his views" rather than HIS responsibility to not spew forth vile bigotry over lunch?

MrsDeVere · 16/12/2013 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 16/12/2013 16:39

Personally I believe religion (and yes religion often informs these views for those of you determined not to see the link, my ex religion RC certainly does and last time I checked it was a Christian religion) and politics don't fit well in work place conversations. Best to avoid them and maybe leave your more prejudicial stances at the office door also. Plenty of room left for slagging off MIL and the boss' boss under your breadth. I think the boss should have maybe suggested to your colleague that his stance might be offensive to anyone who was gay or had a ounce of compassion for our fellow gay man/woman instead of saying anything to you OP.

MaidOfStars · 16/12/2013 16:42

HIS responsibility to not spew forth vile bigotry over lunch?

Did he spew vile bigotry or did he say where he went at the weekend? In my opinion, the OP could have prompted him to move from the latter to the former and got him sacked vindicated her desire to leave...

motherinferior · 16/12/2013 16:44

What bit of "I went on a march against gay marriage" is not vile bigotry?

sparechange · 16/12/2013 16:54

Maid If I said at work that I went to an EDL rally, would my colleagues be able to legitimately call that bigoted and vile behaviour, and talking about it to colleagues under the guise of 'this is my idea of an acceptable weekend' is little more than spouting bigoted views

MaidOfStars · 16/12/2013 16:55

What bit of "I went on a march against gay marriage" is not vile bigotry?

It's a statement of his activity. It indicates that he is a bigot (although he may not think that is true). It is not, in itself, bigotry (for me, anyway).

I protest against gay marriage = I am a bigot.
I think gay people are disgusting and shouldn't be afforded equal rights in a civil society = I indulge in public bigotry.

I just feel like what he's said so far (the first scenario) wouldn't warrant disciplinary action/etc. I think a little prodding (to the second scenario) might have elicited enough to progress and remove the vile bigot from the workplace.

Softly softly catchy monkey...

Trifle · 16/12/2013 16:57

You couldn't have found his views offensive as he didn't spout any. He merely stated, on being asked, what he had done at the weekend. He's perfectly entitled and quite within his rights to state as such.

neunundneunzigluftballons · 16/12/2013 16:59

No you are right trifle attempting a anti gay march in your downtime tells nothing on your views of gay people she was making a massive leap to find that offensive