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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be disgruntled when a neighbours' invite turns out to be a Christian invite?

116 replies

marfisa · 16/12/2013 12:44

I'm prepared to be told that IABU, but here goes. Apologies in advance for epic length - I am naturally longwinded. Blush

We live on a friendly street that has a mix of students and families with young children. One family popped an invite through our door that said, "Hello X Street neighbours, please come round to ours on Sunday afternoon for mulled wine and mince pies." We know lots of families on the street but not this one (although we do give them a friendly nod in passing) so I assumed they were trying to get to know their neighbours better and thought it might be nice to go round and meet them.

On the day of the event, we also received a Christmas card through the door from the house of students who live opposite us - we don't know them either, but they often say hello to our DC. The students' card said, "Hope to see you later today for a glass of mulled wine with Family Z". I was a little surprised to see another mention of the mulled wine event on the students' card, since I hadn't realised that the students and Family Z even knew each other, but again, I thought it was a nice gesture.

At any rate, DH and I turned up with the DC in tow. There was a house full of smiling, friendly people, but it quickly emerged that only Family Z and the students were actually from our street. It was actually a gathering of people from a local evangelical church, one that is very keen about proselytising. DH and I, and one other unsuspecting couple, were the only newcomers and non-church members present.

No one tried to push religion on us, the mulled wine was excellent, the DC had a blast playing with one of the other children, and the adult conversation was pleasant too although my DH did say on the way home that the women seemed a little Stepford-like. The wife took down my phone number and we discussed getting our toddlers together for a playdate.

However, when I got home I looked up the church website because I was curious to see what it was like. The father from Family Z is a new assistant pastor there and he and his wife seem to be at the forefront of lots of initiatives to "share the love of Christ with your community", etc. The church platform is quite conservative: women can't be ordained as pastors, homosexuality is a sin and so on.

So AIBU to feel a little conned? To say "My neighbours invited me round for mulled wine and they invited all their Christian friends too!" sounds like a ludicrous complaint. But I thought that the people from these two houses were making a friendly gesture because they liked the look of us - now I just feel that the friendliness had an ulterior motive. And it is partly just chance that I discovered this motive so fast. I am very chatty not to mention a busybody or otherwise I would not have realised that everyone else in the room was from the same evangelical church.

I will be polite to them now but there is no way I would seek them out to socialise with them again. The homophobia is a deal-breaker for me.
Shrugging, moving on, but still grumpy.

It takes all kinds to make up a street, I guess.

OP posts:
DidoTheDodo · 16/12/2013 12:49

Cripes.
I'm a Christian and according to you I ought to desist from ever inviting anyone to my house ever again? Or maybe never to mix Christian and non-Christian friends (because we are all so very weird...)

You and your family had a lovely time. You had no idea of their beliefs until you read the website later - and also assumed that they believe wholeheartedly everything that is on that website.

I think you are being U and actually rather judgemental.

JinglingRexManningDay · 16/12/2013 12:49

I agree,the homophobia would be the end of any further contact for me,coupled with conservative views being very misogynistic. Maybe they liked the look of you,thought you would get on,but alas not to be.

Vivacia · 16/12/2013 12:50

I think YABU. Don't read too much in to it. You were happy to accept the invite at face value, you had a good time by your own account, don't ascribe motives that aren't necessarily there.

tobiasfunke · 16/12/2013 12:51

Probably you and the students were the only ones in the street that didn't know about their church and that's why you went. Either that they had a look at their neighbours and thought you and the students looked liked you were most in need of being saved.
If there wasn't any religion on show then I'd just think they were being nice. Presumably the only friends they have are in their church- that's how I find it usually works with very religious people. Their friendliness will only have had an ulterior motive if they start approaching you about religion in the future.

MaidOfStars · 16/12/2013 12:51

No one tried to push religion on us, the mulled wine was excellent, the DC had a blast playing with one of the other children, and the adult conversation was pleasant too

Sounds fab.

I will be polite to them now but there is no way I would seek them out to socialise with them again.

Sounds right.

marfisa · 16/12/2013 12:53

Dido, I have lots of Christian friends.

It just felt to me that there was something deceptive about the way we were urged to come to this event. But maybe I am being U.

I do know by the way that this family is anti-gay. When I googled their names, an anti-gay petition that they had signed on the internet popped up.

OP posts:
DorothyParker1 · 16/12/2013 12:54

Nah, I'll bet money you end up getting some kind of church invite.

marfisa · 16/12/2013 12:55

If there wasn't any religion on show then I'd just think they were being nice. Presumably the only friends they have are in their church- that's how I find it usually works with very religious people. Their friendliness will only have had an ulterior motive if they start approaching you about religion in the future.

That makes sense, tobias. I think I was being a bit U.

they had a look at their neighbours and thought you and the students looked liked you were most in need of being saved

They could well be right there. Grin

OP posts:
yourusername123456789 · 16/12/2013 12:56

Could it not be that they were having a get together anyway with their church friends, thought it would be nice to invite the neighbours and only your family and the students came.

You all had a nice jolly time and no religion was pushed on you. I'm not sure what the problem was, you don't agree with the principles of the church they are part of, the man was a pastor and therefore a bit part of it and you can assume they probably have the same views, but you don't know. Either way, no matter what his views on gay people or women's rights are, all they did was invite you round for mince pies with their friends, not sure what the problem was.

BerryChristmas · 16/12/2013 12:56

Strange that - a Christian invite at Christmas !!

Onesleeptillwembley · 16/12/2013 12:56

YABU and a bit ridiculous to have a go re the invitation, as nobody preached.
YANBU to not want to mix with twats that are homophobic.

CalamitouslyWrong · 16/12/2013 12:56

I think you're probably being slightly over sensitive since it was actually just a mulled wine and mince pies affair with no sharing of the 'good news'.

I can absolutely understand your wariness though. It's not that they're Christians; it's that they may be targeting you to try to convert you. I am absolutely fine with Christians; I am not at all fine with people who want to convert me. I don't need or want religion to be the main focus of my interactions with people.

GrendelsMum · 16/12/2013 12:57

I think you might be reading more into it than was intended, and so inadvertently coming across as a little prejudiced yourself.

As you said, you had a nice time with people and neighbours that you got on well with, and although your host is a vicar and this is Christmas time, he didn't talk to you about his job, his plans for Christmas or his beliefs.

If I were to have a Christmas party, I might well invite a lot of people from church, as well as neighbours - mainly because I'd put them in the same sort of category, IYSWIM. i.e. "close enough to invite to drinks party, not close enough to want to have family lunch with".

It wouldn't mean that I wasn't being any the less genuinely friendly to my neighbours, or that I particularly care whether or not they share my religious beliefs.

yourusername123456789 · 16/12/2013 12:58

wow this thread moved fast! sorry for the cross post, I'm new....wait I'm going to do a face Xmas Smile

marfisa · 16/12/2013 12:59

That's a fair summary, wembley.

And yes to calamitously's I am absolutely fine with Christians; I am not at all fine with people who want to convert me.

That is my position too, in a nutshell.

OP posts:
IHaveSeenMyHat · 16/12/2013 12:59

As an atheist I would have felt like I was invited under false pretences too. If you get a church invite it'll have to be a case of "no thanks".

At least the mulled wine was good.

MonstrousPippin · 16/12/2013 12:59

People who go to church tend to have a lot of friends at that church. Perhaps they invited their friends (who coincidentally go to their church as well) and people from the street too so as to have one event and not two. Perhaps you and the students were the only ones from the street to accept the offer and turn up for whatever reason.

It's probably less sinister than you think, especially if they didn't even sing a couple of Christmas carols. I think you are being a little unreasonable.

lougle · 16/12/2013 13:00

This makes me Smile. These people had some friends around, who go to the same church as they do. They invited you to join them. They at no time made Christian advances towards you, but because you later found out they were Christians you're offended.

Would you feel the same if you found out they all attended the same football club? Would you feel the same if they all went sailing as a hobby?

SteamWisher · 16/12/2013 13:00

YABU.

They didn't slip the bible out and start dropping quotes into the conversation did they?

CallMeNancy · 16/12/2013 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CallMeNancy · 16/12/2013 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marfisa · 16/12/2013 13:02

Grin at the hugging.

OP posts:
CalamitouslyWrong · 16/12/2013 13:02

My next door neighbour is a widowed vicar's wife. She does lots of church stuff (and gives us leftover cake Grin), but her religion has no affect whatsoever on us. We're quite happy to eat cake, whether it came from a religious event or not. Mulled wine, mince pies and polite chit chat are all fine and dandy.

They may have no plans to try to convert you anyway. And if they do, you can always politely decline and go back to neighbourly nodding relations.

CallMeNancy · 16/12/2013 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrendelsMum · 16/12/2013 13:03

Ihaveseenmyhat - but don't you think that we need more of people of different religions and none mixing together at social events, rather than less? If people with faith refrain from inviting neighbours in case they might be offended, then surely we'll just end up in a more and more divided society?

I do agree that it's pretty unpleasant to have someone corner you at a social event and try to impose their views on you (I had someone tell me at length how stupid and awful all Christians are at a recent social event, while I said 'um, right' and smiled politely for quite a while), but it doens't seem that that's what these people have done.