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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be disgruntled when a neighbours' invite turns out to be a Christian invite?

116 replies

marfisa · 16/12/2013 12:44

I'm prepared to be told that IABU, but here goes. Apologies in advance for epic length - I am naturally longwinded. Blush

We live on a friendly street that has a mix of students and families with young children. One family popped an invite through our door that said, "Hello X Street neighbours, please come round to ours on Sunday afternoon for mulled wine and mince pies." We know lots of families on the street but not this one (although we do give them a friendly nod in passing) so I assumed they were trying to get to know their neighbours better and thought it might be nice to go round and meet them.

On the day of the event, we also received a Christmas card through the door from the house of students who live opposite us - we don't know them either, but they often say hello to our DC. The students' card said, "Hope to see you later today for a glass of mulled wine with Family Z". I was a little surprised to see another mention of the mulled wine event on the students' card, since I hadn't realised that the students and Family Z even knew each other, but again, I thought it was a nice gesture.

At any rate, DH and I turned up with the DC in tow. There was a house full of smiling, friendly people, but it quickly emerged that only Family Z and the students were actually from our street. It was actually a gathering of people from a local evangelical church, one that is very keen about proselytising. DH and I, and one other unsuspecting couple, were the only newcomers and non-church members present.

No one tried to push religion on us, the mulled wine was excellent, the DC had a blast playing with one of the other children, and the adult conversation was pleasant too although my DH did say on the way home that the women seemed a little Stepford-like. The wife took down my phone number and we discussed getting our toddlers together for a playdate.

However, when I got home I looked up the church website because I was curious to see what it was like. The father from Family Z is a new assistant pastor there and he and his wife seem to be at the forefront of lots of initiatives to "share the love of Christ with your community", etc. The church platform is quite conservative: women can't be ordained as pastors, homosexuality is a sin and so on.

So AIBU to feel a little conned? To say "My neighbours invited me round for mulled wine and they invited all their Christian friends too!" sounds like a ludicrous complaint. But I thought that the people from these two houses were making a friendly gesture because they liked the look of us - now I just feel that the friendliness had an ulterior motive. And it is partly just chance that I discovered this motive so fast. I am very chatty not to mention a busybody or otherwise I would not have realised that everyone else in the room was from the same evangelical church.

I will be polite to them now but there is no way I would seek them out to socialise with them again. The homophobia is a deal-breaker for me.
Shrugging, moving on, but still grumpy.

It takes all kinds to make up a street, I guess.

OP posts:
marfisa · 16/12/2013 14:29

As I said before, I've decided that I was U (and probably ungrateful as well) to be grumpy at being invited to their event. An event where all (or virtually all) the attendees are evangelical Christians is not the same as an evangelical Christian event.

But as Jingling says, you don't become the pastor of a church without subscribing to the beliefs of that church. I do consider their views to be highly objectionable, and I don't feel any obligation to socialise with them in the name of tolerance. I would be happy to chat with them in the school playground or on the street, but I wouldn't feel comfortable having them in my home.

This is a personal stance on my part though rather than some universal rule I am trying to impose. I just don't have any emotional energy left to engage with people who think that the man should be the head of the household because he has a penis or that homosexuality is a sin. I have many dear relatives and family members who believe these things and I have spent a lot of time trying to be civil and respectful to them despite the big differences in our world views. Basically, because I have to engage with this stuff all the time close to home, I would rather not have to engage with it when it comes to my friends and neighbours.

Other people who are less personally invested in these issues might feel differently.

I would also emphasise that I see a huge difference between most practising Catholics / C of E members, and conservative evangelical Christians of the kind I grew up with.

OP posts:
DidoTheDodo · 16/12/2013 14:34

But you only found out these things about your hosts afterwards by googling them.
So not really obvious at the party. Where you had a good time!

weirdthing · 16/12/2013 14:39

I used to know someone like this. She was super-friendly etc but as soon as you were sucked in a little it was all 'come to church' etc. When I made it clear that I wasn't interested, I got dropped. She was a Pentecostal. I think they're pretty full on that way. Not my cup of tea - I have my own religious views which I have never imposed on anyone. These types aren't interested in what YOU believe - only in forcing their beliefs on you.

workhouse · 16/12/2013 14:42

Why shouldn't the OP be judgemental about something she feels strongly about. I would also feel a bit off about being invited to something which I assumed was a purely social occasion only to find out that, potentially, it had been about checking me out.

Also, if ALL the other guests,apart from the other family, were members of the church, it would suggest that they are very choosy, and judgemental, about who they socialise with.

marfisa · 16/12/2013 14:42

No, not at all obvious at the party, Dido. But if you post on the internet under your RL name, that information is part of your public identity as well.

These people might be absolutely lovely in lots of different ways, but they have publicly expressed views that discriminate against vulnerable groups of people (women and gays). They have the right to hold these views; I have the right to decide that I don't want to be part of their social circle.

However, I'm not going to hold their friendly gesture of the mulled-wine invite against them any longer - that was paranoia on my part.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 16/12/2013 14:44

Glad you've realised you were being VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVU and paranoid.

SirChenjin · 16/12/2013 14:55

I don't think the OP was being "VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVU and paranoid" at all Hmm

Santaspelvicfloor · 16/12/2013 15:23

If it were me I would meet them again and robustly ask their stance...argue politely and persistently.

Greensleeves · 16/12/2013 15:30

Personally I would have been out of there like a rat out of a trap and I wouldn't be socialising with them again either. They WILL be grooming you for membership of their church and IME this can get very awkward and messy if you do not wish to engage. Keep your distance and be assertive. That's my advice.

Beastofburden · 16/12/2013 15:31

In defence of the OP... I found it slightly odd that the card through the door did rather imply it was a party for neighbours. But when the OP got there, they were the only people from the street invited, apart from the students who were church members and had sent the other card. Everyone else was from the church community.

I think it's more likely that the family was having a party for their church and decided last minute to include the OP so as to get to know them. So, not a cunning plan. But equally, not quite straightforward. It would have been more honest to say, "we have a party for our church family this weekend, we'd love you to join us." Because it wasn't a street neighbours party at all.

Madmammy83 · 16/12/2013 15:32

If you had a lovely time and nobody mentioned the church to you then leave it at that, maybe thank them for the lovely day you had if you bump into them. You weren't duped, you weren't invited under false pretenses, you weren't there to be recruited into the church (AFAIK) - if they ever invite you to anything again, just say thank you for a lovely time, but upon further reflection, we won't be attending. That's enough. It's not for you or I to impose our beliefs onto others, no more than they should do so to you. I abhor homophobia in all its forms, but until our Governments and Law-makers realise that it's time to cop on, there will always be homophobes.

I'd love to go for mulled wine and mince pies with a load of really camp gays. Anyone organizing anything?

marfisa · 16/12/2013 15:37

Thank you, beastofburden, that sums it up perfectly.

We were the only people there who weren't members of their church. Just as we were leaving, the doorbell rang and I heard the newcomers say, "Hello, we're John and Jane from number 50, X Street". So clearly they had had an invitation in the same way we had. But I was expecting the whole party to be made up of people from our street, and it didn't turn out that way.

Perhaps other people on the street were invited and didn't turn up, as an above poster suggested. But mulled wine parties on our street are not unknown, and usually the people who turn up are neighbours in the literal sense of the word.

The fact that everyone I met at this event (apart from the students and family Z) was a church member from some other part of the city was what made me feel a bit misled.

OP posts:
marfisa · 16/12/2013 15:39

I'd love to go for mulled wine and mince pies with a load of really camp gays. Anyone organizing anything?

Grin
OP posts:
Beastofburden · 16/12/2013 15:43

From my experience of camp gay people I think it's more likely to be a grey goose vodka and marrons glacés party.

MrsOakenshield · 16/12/2013 15:44

I like your use of the word 'disgruntled', an excellent and underused word.

I can see exactly what you mean. I would chalk it up to experience, you had a nice enough time, but I wouldn't persevere with it. Homophobia is homophobia and it's not something I would want in my or my DC's life.

ElenorRigby · 16/12/2013 15:44

Oh thanks OP!

We have had an invite from some happy-clappy neighbours for mulled wine and mince pies.
I think I will send DP with kids

UC · 16/12/2013 15:50

I haven't read all of the thread, just pages 1 and 4, but I agree with the OP. An invitation that reads ""Hello X Street neighbours, please come round to ours on Sunday afternoon for mulled wine and mince pies" would seem to me to be an invitation to all the neighbours, not an invitation to an evangelical Christian get together.

YANBU, IMO. I would be hacked off by this too, whether I'd had a nice time or not at the event.

NewtRipley · 16/12/2013 15:50

I think that this is a question of "buyer beware". ie, you were happy to accept the invitation, they were perfectly pleasant to you, nothing lost.

It could have been the case that you got invited to some other party where everyone turned out to be horribly boring, rude or just "not your sort" for some other reason. No need to get annoyed.

If a church invitation arrives , just make it clear you aren't interested.

Chippingnortonset123 · 16/12/2013 15:53

Look up 'love bombing'.

NewtRipley · 16/12/2013 15:56

Chipping

That's what I do with my DCs when they are winding me up and I think we all need to bond a bit ...

cjel · 16/12/2013 16:01

MARFISA, I think all that you explained about your family makes sense as to why this was so important to you that you don't want to feel 'got at' go easy on yourselfXmas Smile
I'd wish you Happy Christmas but I don't want to feel I am evangelising!!!
OH Heck - Happy Christmas anywayXmas Smile

cjel · 16/12/2013 16:04

Would just want to say though as a christian, Am I not allowed to invite my non christian friends to anything incase they enjoy it and realise I'm nice?

Some on here are very very judgemental. Just because a lot of these people go to church why were they wrong? Nothing about the invite or the party was deceitful?

Beastofburden · 16/12/2013 16:11

Cjel, I do think the invite was misleading. The OP was asked to a church social event, not a neighbourhood party. And given that we know that this specific church makes a point of evangelising, I think it is fair to be wary.

As a Christian, of course you can have people round. But if it is essentially a church social event, with only one family invited outside that, they are bound to feel slightly out of place. If you have a normal street party, including people of all faiths and none, that's a different matter.

Preciousbane · 16/12/2013 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaidOfStars · 16/12/2013 16:15

Am I not allowed to invite my non christian friends to anything incase they enjoy it and realise I'm nice?

I think the OP is suggesting that Being Nice and Being Homophobic are mutually exclusive.

Just because a lot of these people go to church why were they wrong?

Going to church isn't wrong (and I'm not sure the OP has ever suggested that she has a problem with religious people in themselves. The problem arose when she discovered that they were part of a public "anti-gay" campaign.

OP, what do you mean by "anti-gay" petition? What exactly were they campaigning for?