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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be disgruntled when a neighbours' invite turns out to be a Christian invite?

116 replies

marfisa · 16/12/2013 12:44

I'm prepared to be told that IABU, but here goes. Apologies in advance for epic length - I am naturally longwinded. Blush

We live on a friendly street that has a mix of students and families with young children. One family popped an invite through our door that said, "Hello X Street neighbours, please come round to ours on Sunday afternoon for mulled wine and mince pies." We know lots of families on the street but not this one (although we do give them a friendly nod in passing) so I assumed they were trying to get to know their neighbours better and thought it might be nice to go round and meet them.

On the day of the event, we also received a Christmas card through the door from the house of students who live opposite us - we don't know them either, but they often say hello to our DC. The students' card said, "Hope to see you later today for a glass of mulled wine with Family Z". I was a little surprised to see another mention of the mulled wine event on the students' card, since I hadn't realised that the students and Family Z even knew each other, but again, I thought it was a nice gesture.

At any rate, DH and I turned up with the DC in tow. There was a house full of smiling, friendly people, but it quickly emerged that only Family Z and the students were actually from our street. It was actually a gathering of people from a local evangelical church, one that is very keen about proselytising. DH and I, and one other unsuspecting couple, were the only newcomers and non-church members present.

No one tried to push religion on us, the mulled wine was excellent, the DC had a blast playing with one of the other children, and the adult conversation was pleasant too although my DH did say on the way home that the women seemed a little Stepford-like. The wife took down my phone number and we discussed getting our toddlers together for a playdate.

However, when I got home I looked up the church website because I was curious to see what it was like. The father from Family Z is a new assistant pastor there and he and his wife seem to be at the forefront of lots of initiatives to "share the love of Christ with your community", etc. The church platform is quite conservative: women can't be ordained as pastors, homosexuality is a sin and so on.

So AIBU to feel a little conned? To say "My neighbours invited me round for mulled wine and they invited all their Christian friends too!" sounds like a ludicrous complaint. But I thought that the people from these two houses were making a friendly gesture because they liked the look of us - now I just feel that the friendliness had an ulterior motive. And it is partly just chance that I discovered this motive so fast. I am very chatty not to mention a busybody or otherwise I would not have realised that everyone else in the room was from the same evangelical church.

I will be polite to them now but there is no way I would seek them out to socialise with them again. The homophobia is a deal-breaker for me.
Shrugging, moving on, but still grumpy.

It takes all kinds to make up a street, I guess.

OP posts:
Beastofburden · 16/12/2013 16:17

True, precious, and both less homophobia and more women bishops would be a Good Thing. Lets hope they listen to you!

cjel · 16/12/2013 16:19

The invite was to others not just church, it was not a church do. OP said other neighbours turned up when they were leaving so invite still was not misleading.

As for homophobia, I agree its horrid wrong and bad etc., but nothing was said on invite or at party about that . only that OP found that our online. I haven't checked all my acquaintances online to see what their views are, but I'm sure some aren't the same as mine if I looked.

Beastofburden · 16/12/2013 16:30

Cjel, I think the OP isn't completely sure about whether it was an entirely church do, or whether the street were also invited. You're right that one other family turned up just as she was leaving, but I think it was too late to undo the uneasy feeling by then.

The thing is, if you are a nice person who also is a Christian, and I went to a party at yours, of course I'd expect to meet people from all parts of you life: work, hobbies, and also church. No way would I see that as sinister.

I would feel differently about a church which is known to engage in active evangelism, and where members were sufficiently woooo to be doing nine antigay stuff. Sorry, but I just wouldn't trust them. It's not an anti-faith position. Just a strong feeling that these are people I want nothing to do with. And yes, I would be a bit suspicious about the invitation.

I should say I live next door to a small Christian community. We have been amicable neighbours for over a decade. They made one attempt at conversion and have not mentioned the subject since (not because we had a row!).

IHaveSeenMyHat · 16/12/2013 16:30

I'm surprised that so many people don't think it's weird to invite neighbours of unknown religious origin (stupid phrase but you know what I mean) to a party full of evangelical Christians. What other purpose could there be, other than testing the waters to see how you respond to that kind of company, topics of conversation etc.

Maybe I'm just suspicious.

FWIW Since posting on this thread earlier this afternoon, I took DD to a church playgroup and was surprised to find "storytime" went from Baby Jesus to "and I didn't find God until well into my twenties..." in the blink of an eye Grin

Beastofburden · 16/12/2013 16:31

Nine=online

ProfondoRosso · 16/12/2013 16:31

If they ask you to church, just decline politely. But I reckon they were just being neighbourly here. Homophobia is not on, and you don't want your children exposed to it (or want to be exposed to it yourself), but we all live in a world where we find some others' views abhorrent. And at least they aren't punch you in the face, smash your window and blast German techno at 3am types.

My BIL and family are quite involved in their CofS church (he's an elder, though I don't know what that entails). My (Catholic) family go along to BIL's church's Christmas events and if you're given a leaflet about the church and the work it does in the community, you don't get the sense that anybody's trying to convert you. Just a bunch of nice people, really.

whippetwoman · 16/12/2013 16:33

OP, I would have felt exactly the same as you.
YABU.

Beastofburden · 16/12/2013 16:36

ihaveseen having read the thread, I think that the Christians think its fine and the nonchristians don't, as a general pattern (a few exceptions).

Just something for both groups to be aware of ...

whippetwoman · 16/12/2013 16:40

Oops, I meant YANBU. Sorry, toddler grabbing my phone...again..

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine · 16/12/2013 16:52

Really? I think most people haven't declared their religious affiliation at all.

cjel · 16/12/2013 16:55

BEAST, I haven't read that and as I often say I've been a non christian(and married to one for 35yrs) so I know what its like to be 'one of those'!!!

Beastofburden · 16/12/2013 17:00

Sorry- only the ones who have declared. But I may be wrong, it was just my impression.

quesadilla · 16/12/2013 17:06

As long as they weren't evangelising to you I don't see the problem. Yes, they may ultimately have an ulterior motive but on this occasion they were just being friendly.

As someone else pointed out higher up why should they abstain from socialising purely on the basis that someone might not share their faith?

By the way I share your views about conservative evangelicals and the homophobia would be a red line for me but its a free country and even conservative evangelicals are allowed to invite people into their homes...

sykadelic15 · 16/12/2013 18:59

I know you've decided you were BU but I have to admit I would have felt the same as you did, especially at first and given your history.

You went with the intention of thinking you were being neighbourly and then when you discovered it was a party full of religious people you felt suspicious and like you'd been tricked.

As you now know nothing negative happened at the party, you enjoyed yourself and the kids had a good time, I would feel less agitated, but I would still feel wary of future invites and honestly would be "too busy" in the future.

I don't have a positive view of religion for my own reasons and I try and steer clear of particularly devout people because it makes me incredibly anxious. I don't think it makes me unreasonable to feel this way because I'm speaking from experience, rather than never having been exposed to such situations (like how I KNOW I hate green beans, I tried them... never again).

GrendelsMum · 18/12/2013 12:12

Yes, as Sykadelic says, I think we do live in a world where we're increasingly uncomfortable to socialise outside our own specific group - whether that's our ethnic group, our religious / non-religious background, or our social group. So childless people can feel uncomfortable to go to parties where most people are parents, atheists feel uncomfortable going to a party where people have a religious faith, people on a low income don't like to socialise with people who are well-off, etc.

I think it's very much encouraged by media reporting that emphasises the differences between people rather than their similarities, loves to report on the crimes committed by different groups, etc. And, in turn, it's an attitude encourages people to be more suspicious of each other, become increasingly convinced that they are right in their views and everyone else is wrong, etc.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 18/12/2013 13:38

OP, I too would have been a little Hmm about this - just a little. Nothing to do with what faith they are and whether I shared it or not. But because they are obviously actively evangelical - and wanting to share the love of god with their community etc etc.

I also wouldn't intentionally socialise with people who are homophobic/misogynistic. Thanks to family ties I often don't get a choice about the latter though.

I would suspect ulterior motives in this case (not saying I'd view every invitation from a christian in the same way) and I'd be bracing myself for an invitation to something churchy next... either that or they've decided you're not suitable to save Xmas Wink so you're off the hook Xmas Grin

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