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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to just want to pay for what I had...

59 replies

formerbabe · 15/12/2013 12:13

So I go for dinner with a large group of people. I am the only one not drinking...I drink water all night while everyone else knocks back the wine and beer. When the bill comes, it is divided up evenly between everyone. My food came to £35 but I end up paying £55! For the sake of not destroying the festive spirit, I pay up, but its not really OK, is it?

OP posts:
cardibach · 15/12/2013 12:16

I'd say that, generally, when out in a group I expect to split the bill evenly. If I knew there was a reason I wouldn't want to, like I wasn't drinking, I would say up front that I wanted to pay for my own. However, if I noticed a member of a group I was in wasn't drinking I would suggest splitting the bill differently, so your friends should have done that.

GuernseyTeddy · 15/12/2013 12:17

I would just have asked (nicely) whether anyone minded my paying less as I hadn't been drinking. They probably didn't notice you drinking water, but if you'd just pointed it out to them then it's likely they'd have been more than ok with you just paying for what you had eaten.

Can't really blame them if you didn't speak up. Sorry.

AdmiralData · 15/12/2013 12:17

Nope, not ok. The people you were with should have said 'former shouldn't have to pay for our drinks' if they realised you weren't drinking or you should have actually stated that you didn't drink, therefore you weren't paying for other peoples booze.

LivelySoul · 15/12/2013 12:18

We tend to have a "dinner bill" and a "drinks bill" if we have any non drinkers in our group (which if I'm honest is very rare haha). The dinner bill would get split evenly and the drinks bill between whoever had been drinking.

Maybe have a wee chat with a couple of your friends and suggest this...?

superram · 15/12/2013 12:19

We went out in a group, some people pregnant. Food was a set price so they paid that plus tip. The drinkers paid food and wine. We got the restaurant to give us a drinks and food bill.

Killinascullion · 15/12/2013 12:28

I rarely drink alcohol when out (usually v happy to do the driving) but if I thought it might be a very boozy meal, I'd make it clear from the beginning that I don't want to subsidise the booze part.

As long as you say something politely before everyone starts tucking in, it should be fine. Especially if you're acting as their Taxi driver.

However, I think YANBU if you don't speak up but expect people to notice you didn't drink.

Killinascullion · 15/12/2013 12:30

Obviously should have written YABU.

Vivacia · 15/12/2013 12:35

I'm in the same boat OP. Normally somebody realises and we deal with it fairly. In your shoes I would probably have just paid up though, and have done so in the past when the difference wasn't as much as £20 though.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/12/2013 12:36

I think you got off comparatively lightly compared to some of the threads I have read here but no, you shouldn't have had to pay that much - I'd say £35 + £5 tip sounds reasonable?

Next time, ask that the food bill be separate - and split if that works for you - with everybody paying their own drinks - or just calculate your food and (soft) drinks plus the tip and say that you didn't drink alcohol, here's your share plus tip. Needs to be done upfront though.

Definitely more awkward though when you don't speak up at the outset. Non-drinkers (for whatever reason) are still not quite the 'norm' and drinking people don't necessarily notice that others aren't.

EBearhug · 15/12/2013 12:37

It's easiest to say at the start, "Can we have a separate drinks bill, please?"

Thants · 15/12/2013 12:39

I've never understood bill splitting. It's only the alcohol drinking, meat eaters that love it because they benefit Hmm.
It's unfair. Just look at the bill and all pay for what you ate!

needaholidaynow · 15/12/2013 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WooWooOwl · 15/12/2013 12:44

Peahen you go out in a group it can be complicated divvying up the bill to suit what each person had, and if one person pays less than another because they aren't drinking, then everyone who didn't have a starter, or a dessert, or who only had one glass of wine has the right to pay less too. Then you end up with the shameful situation where everyone sits there for half an hour with their phone calculator out checking what everyone had and counting and re counting the money.

Personally, I'd rather pay over what I owe to avoid those situations, as they just change the tone of the evening spoil it a bit.

I think it's up to the person who wants to pay separately to state from the start that they want a separate bill when in group situations. I would always offer to chip in more if I knew I had been drinking significantly more than someone else, but in a group of more than five or six it's hard to know I whether someone at the other end of the table is drinking less or not, so it has to be their responsibility to ask to pay separately at the start.

spongebob13 · 15/12/2013 12:51

were u drinking tap or bottled water?

Twattyzombiebollocks · 15/12/2013 12:53

Yanbu. I always choose steak as my main to make sure I get my money's worth as I don't even drink soft drinks just water or cordial which is about 60p a pint.

BillyBanter · 15/12/2013 12:54

Occasionally I don't mind too much but subsidising their drink by 20 quid is too much!

I had friends I used to go out to eat with regularly and they always drank loads versus my one alcoholic drink. they always knocked off the cost of drink before splitting the bill as otherwise I would be subsidising them to the tune of a couple of hundred quid a year.

BillyBanter · 15/12/2013 12:55

Forgot the relevant bit. I agree that it is best to bring these things up at the beginning of the evening, once they're in their cups they won't necessarily be mindful of the fact you haven't drunk anything.

SarahBumBarer · 15/12/2013 12:58

Most groups I socialise with split the bill evenly. It all evens out over the course of a few meals or so but if there was one tea-totaller who never drank I would not mind (would probably suggest) splitting the drinks differently. My family are obsessed with paying by consumption and it drives me bonkers - ruins the end of the night having to get bloody calculators etc out and work out who had what.

BillyBanter · 15/12/2013 12:58

''It's unfair. Just look at the bill and all pay for what you ate!''

The problem with this way is that in big groups once the money is all collected it is always somehow short by £20 or so even if you've witnessed everyone putting their bit in. People forget to put in for shared bottles of water or the bread basket or olives, I suspect. Or just don't add it up correctly, or make a rubbish guestimate.

Original poster
formerbabe · 15/12/2013 13:19

I only had tap water...I rarely drink because it stops me from sleeping well, I hate hangovers and I am a lightweight and always embarrass myself! I didn't speak up because I find it embarrassing and a pain in a big group to start dividing it all up! I also thought someone would notice...ho hum...thanks for all your responses.

OP posts:
Caitlin17 · 15/12/2013 13:28

Tough, but that's the way it is. The "I didn't have that...." just ruins the evening.

Options are (a) don't go(b) lump it(c) pick extremely expensive food options to even it out.

WhoNickedMyName · 15/12/2013 13:29

YABU to have not said something at the time... "I'm going to just chuck in £35 'cos I've been on water all night".

EBearhug · 15/12/2013 13:30

I only had tap water

That's usually me, too. It's my drink of choice, though people sometimes seem to struggle to understand that.

In Germany, they're very used to going round a table and taking the money for what only you have consumed, drinks included. It makes life a lot easier. I've been to a couple of places in Britain that have done this, but I wish it would catch on more. If you've got anything left over when they've been all the way round, it's usually a case of, "Oh yes, I did have that 3rd beer," or it's only a little left, so then other people covering it isn't such a big deal.

(I do find it odd that you don't pay at the bar when you get a drink, though. I have walked out of a couple of places without paying as a result - we did go back.)

BoneyBackJefferson · 15/12/2013 13:30

I had always tolerated this until the last Xmas works do, where they decided to order bottle after bottle of wine.

the set menu was £25 + £2.50 for a coffee + 12.5% so £32 ish.

The wine bill was an extra £40 each.

I said that there was no way that I was paying that as I had said that I was driving when they suggested the wine.

In the end myself and the other drivers didn't pay, but the person that ordered the wine was not happy, but she has form for this type of thing.

I have subsidised other people's eating and drinking habits for far too long.

BoneyBackJefferson · 15/12/2013 13:36

Caitlin17

or option D/ don't let people scam you for money because they feel that they should do "C" or expect you to do "B"

(IME the people that do "C" are the ones that try and put in the least amount of money)

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