To stop contact between dd and her not so darling dad?

[MincedMuffPies]

ExFw was emotionally, physically and financially abusive towards me so I'm not sure if I'm being objective enough.

DD(8) doesn't want to go to his eow saturday night anymore. She comes home complaining of being shouted at nagged and used as a babysitter to keep her younger sister (4) entertained.

FW gas lights her, promises her the world and never follows through unless it suits him. He has never once put her (or any of his dc) first. He has never gone to a school play, choir performance, school assembly, sports day or gymnastic competition. Even when he wasn't working.

I can mention so many examples of hurtful things he has said while she is in hearing range. One example being to me, dd is my funny little princess but dd's sister she is my queen shes so amazing just look at her.

Dd hasn't just complained at going to her dads to me she has also said to my dm and dnan that she doesn't like going as her dad is so bossy and boring.

He hasn't paid child support since January, this week I have spoken to child maintenance. I have always said my child is not a pay per view channel but jheeze I am fed up. He is supposed to pay for her music lessons at school, a poxy £15 PM, he promised her that he would pay this he told me he would put the money in my account every month but he hasn't. He has just bought himself a new car so now he has two cars.

She does want to see her family on his side, her grandma who shes not that close with and her bag of brothers who she adores. She does want to see her dad but she doesn't want to sleep over or go to his house. She says it's because she misses me but my dd is used to having sleepovers with various friends and family. My DM takes her on holidays and my Dnan has her the majority of most school holidays so she is used to spending time without me so I don't really think it's about missing me.

I have done everything I can to make her dad love her. I even took him in when he got evicted and got back together with him for a year thinking if he spent enough time with her they would bond more. I have really gone above and beyond what I needed to do.

If you have got this far thanks, now IABU to think fuck you, you had your chance to build a strong relationship my dd doesn't need you around and instead of making her go do what I have been doing this last month and making our weekends jam packed with things to do and people to see so she doesn't miss seeing him or want to see him regularly again. I think it will be more damaging long term forcing her to go and see him then letting her stop.

YANBU. Your DD doesnt want to go to her dad's home, and has expressed why. She probably has other things going on in her head too. I dont feel she should be forced to go. He's awful.

DeeCee I have even stopped phone contact. I don't see the point in it. When he rings if I answer and he says can I speak to dd I say nope we're busy and put phone down.

I have told dd she doesn't have to go again but anytime she does want to see him or speak to him she can ring him and see if hes about.

The phone thing is not fair. You can't do that.

At least let your DD decide if she wants to talk to him.

Don't try to influence her because the only person you'll damage is her. Just be there for her when she wants to offload.

Please don't try to stop contact like this. It could really harm your DD.

Her dad doesn't sound great and I'd feel the same way as you. If DD doesn't want to stay overnight then don't force her, but it sounds like she does still want to see him.

You need to put your own feelings aside.

You are both using your daughter. The pair of you are going to damage her.

her bag of brothers you lost me there - do these children live with your Ex too? Or are they grandmas brothers?

Nom it was only 6 weeks ago he slapped me round my face. I don't think I can put my feelings to the side.

She has 6 brothers on her dads side.

You say the following She does want to see her dad but she doesn't want to sleep over or go to his house and then say DeeCee I have even stopped phone contact. I don't see the point in it. When he rings if I answer and he says can I speak to dd I say nope we're busy and put phone down.

Even though your daughter doesn't want to stay over, by your own admission she still wants to see him and personally I think by doing the above you are being deliberately obstructive. It should not be up to you to decide that because you don't see the point in it you will hang the phone up. How would you feel if when your DD was staying with your family you phoned to speak to her and this is what they did to you?

He has every right to phone your daughter, if she makes the choice to not speak to him then there isn't much you can do but I do think you need to ask her each time. She is still young and if she has previously said she doesn't want to speak to him quite frankly she may just change her mind, kid's do this.

Your daughter is too young to decide whether she has a relationship with her father. You criticise him for being disinterested, but then won't accept phone calls. Don't you think cutting off contact altogether will give your daughter the message her dad doesn't want her?

You can not stop contact, your daughter still wants to see her father and her wishes must be respected, no matter what you feel about your ex.

If you prevent her talking to him or seeing him, you will be in the wrong and she will become to resent you. you are causing hurt and upset to your daughter.

You sound like it's what suits you best.

The phone thing is awful.... It's not your choice to make!

Its not just him though is it? it's all the step and half siblings. you're doing your best to isolate her from them too. how bloody sad.

I think that you do have to keep her going (unfortunately).

But can you involve, say, the relations on her father's side somewhat more? She likes them, you can explain the difficulties to them (or are they odd?) and see if they can come up with any scenarios that keep DD in touch with that side of her family, without it being EOW visits that have stagnated into something unsuitable.

I am being deliberately obstructive. I can't seem to stop either I am so angry with everything hes done to me and dd. I can't separate it either atm.

I do think a lot of him in her life will damage her to, as much as not seeing him I'm not sure.

I don't trust him to keep my dd safe. He has dropped dd off in his two seater having 2 kids in one seat. He will borrow his ex wifes car and drive uninsured with my daughter in the car. He doesn't drive safely he texts and drives at the same time.

Once we were at the cinema and because his son didn't have a belt on and his trousers were baggy he pulled down his trousers and boxers and smacked his bum. How on earth can I trust him to not smack dd. He hasn't yet but he has threatened to.

I think your DD is old enough to decide if she wants to speak to or see her father.
I think you are over riding what your DD wants because of your anger and hurt at how he has let your DD down and how he has hurt you.
Your DD has the right to a relationship with him, whether you like it or not.
It sounds like your DD has picked up on your negative feelings about her father and feels torn in two.
I wonder how much you have shared with your DD about what her father has done, that he hasn't bothered even when he's not working, that he has slapped you. Does your DD know he has done these things?

Also does your DD tell you she doesn't want to see her father, and tell him the same thing?
Is she consistently telling everyone the same thing?

You haven't got the response from mn you wanted..... So you are now upping it and adding in extras to turn it around so you get to hear what YOU want to hear

Disgraceful!

I suggest you get a mediator involved as I can fully understand that things are difficult between your ex and yourself but you are being terribly unfair to your daughter.

My DDs father is no longer involved with DD but this was HIS decision and I did actually try as hard as possible to support contact between them. Fortunately my daughter is too young to know any better but your daughter has said she wants to see her Dad. Trust me, if you stop her she will resent you for this when she's older. You need to allow her time to make her own mind up. I would suggest stopping overnight contact since she has said she doesn't want to go and set up alternative times for him to see her. Perhaps 10-6 on a Sat or a Sun?

Your daughter is of an age that she can tell you if anything happens while in his care, I suggest you deal with that IF anything happens. You can't stop a relationship on the what if's. To be perfectly honest, it sounds like you are looking on here for support to pull contact, the way you have written your posts in unlikely to get that response as it does seem like you a looking for an excuse to stop you ex from seeing DD.

Also if you are being truthful about the violence towards yourself, did you report it? If you don't deem it important enough to report why is it acceptable to use as a reason to stop contact?

Hang on a sec, he slapped you round the face 6 weeks ago

Was this during the course of contact hand over?

If he's assaulting you and using contact as a opportunity to do so then it is absolutely not in your child's best interests to be exposed to this, if you don't take active steps to prevent it then you could end up coming under fire for failing to protect.

Wtf are some posters on with this whole violent abusive dads (or mums its just a dad in this op) are the types of parents who are ok parents BOLLOCKS are they,they are shitty child abusers that children need to be protected from.

A child who is witnessing violence towards one parent committed by the other is being abused.

Oh this must be so incredibly raw and difficult. However you have to be neutral. You HAVE to. If you can't because recent events are clouding things then you need to put some kind of support mechanism in place.

For phone calls - could he have a "code" ie ring twice, hang up, wait 20 seconds and call again. Or can you get a phone with caller ID. Then DD can answer herself rather than it going through you.

I definitely wouldn't say force her, but you must let her decide, even if you don't think it's best for her. Sad to say, if he did smack her, she probably wouldn't want to see him again but it wouldn't be the end of the world. But, you know, it's probably fairly unlikely that it would happen if it has never happened before. But she is clearly happy to see him despite those threats.

The driving thing is more worrying but again you can't use this as a basis - it just doesn't work like that.

It's totally understandable if you're finding it difficult or impossible to be neutral right now, and 8 is tricky because they can seem so grown up and understanding, but she is still a little kid and she needs somebody to be able to sit with her and tell her that ALL of her feelings about her dad are okay, the good ones and the bad ones. If that's not you at the moment then it might be worth asking somebody else to speak to her, a relative, school nurse, teacher?

I am more then happy to be told IABU. If anyone has any suggestions to make contact work in my dd's best interests please share.

I'm not upping anything, I'm just explaining more. It is quite hard to remember everything at once.

She told my nan how much she does't want to go anymore before she told me. littlemiss

He has picked her u for contactlittlemiss got her to knock the door so I would open it barged in and dragged me by my hair to my bedroom to shout at me. She has seen quite a lot of this. She has also seen the police on 2 occasions having to remove him from my house. The physical stuff has all been after we broke up. So yes it's not a far off thing to suggest this has influenced her thinking although I didn't think of it.

I totally agree with you Sock - and actually the slap happening at contact is something I hadn't thought of and that WOULD probably be grounds for getting some kind of action taken against him.

But the other stuff, though it's obviously unacceptable, I think you still have to let her decide. (Although have re-read the car thing and 2 kids in one seat has made me although my dad used to do the same thing, not that long ago - we're not talking 1970s here - and I think it's fairly common.)

Redlondonbus.

Your normally quite sensible your post has astounded me.

op i have been where you are and it's very difficult.
i used to make my dd go.
until she stood on the doorstep crying at about age six begging me to let her stay home .

her step mum wasn't nice and her dad pretty much ignored her there. i did all i could my end to make it fair for him but that was the last straw.

she then chose not to see him for a few years. it must have been bad. she is twelve now and sees him now and again but never at his.

Sockreturningpixie - If the OP had reported it to the police there would have been a temporary restraining order put in place. This is obviously not the case. Why would someone who has allegedly been assaulted by the ex partner not report it to the police? She is quite obviously not scared to stand up to this man given what she has written in her posts so I can't see her being intimidated into not reporting the matter?

TBH it seems that arms and legs are getting added onto OP story as she hasn't quite gotten the desired response. If there were genuine concerns for her daughters safety then she would look at ALTERNATIVE options of contact.

I'm sorry, I had a million and one issues with my ex but I did not stop contact. I supervised contact myself at his parents home, I invited him into my home, I looked into contact centres etc. My ex through his own choice doesn't want to see DD anymore, and I have never been more relieved in my life to not have him around either one of us but I am not the god of my child's life and I don't think any parent has the right to stop contact without trying every available option to them to resolve matters first.

What happened to looking for a solution as apposed to becoming part of the problem?

WOAH. Well, THAT is totally different. Why didn't you mention the violence at pick up in your OP? And if the police have removed him twice with her present, are Social Services involved?

It sounds like that's exactly what's bothering her - and quite rightly! If she's saying she wants to see him (it's OK when she's there) but she doesn't want to go with him (the act of going being linked with witnessing this violence) but she can't articulate "I want to see him but I don't want him to hurt you". All she has is this immense fear and dread of handovers. especially if it has been going on since she was quite little.

No. It's not okay. And if it had happened once or twice then a contact centre for handovers might be appropriate but if it has been going on for a long time, then I don't know.