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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop contact between dd and her not so darling dad?

106 replies

MincedMuffPies · 15/12/2013 08:41

ExFw was emotionally, physically and financially abusive towards me so I'm not sure if I'm being objective enough.

DD(8) doesn't want to go to his eow saturday night anymore. She comes home complaining of being shouted at nagged and used as a babysitter to keep her younger sister (4) entertained.

FW gas lights her, promises her the world and never follows through unless it suits him. He has never once put her (or any of his dc) first. He has never gone to a school play, choir performance, school assembly, sports day or gymnastic competition. Even when he wasn't working.

I can mention so many examples of hurtful things he has said while she is in hearing range. One example being to me, dd is my funny little princess but dd's sister she is my queen shes so amazing just look at her.

Dd hasn't just complained at going to her dads to me she has also said to my dm and dnan that she doesn't like going as her dad is so bossy and boring.

He hasn't paid child support since January, this week I have spoken to child maintenance. I have always said my child is not a pay per view channel but jheeze I am fed up. He is supposed to pay for her music lessons at school, a poxy £15 PM, he promised her that he would pay this he told me he would put the money in my account every month but he hasn't. He has just bought himself a new car so now he has two cars.

She does want to see her family on his side, her grandma who shes not that close with and her bag of brothers who she adores. She does want to see her dad but she doesn't want to sleep over or go to his house. She says it's because she misses me but my dd is used to having sleepovers with various friends and family. My DM takes her on holidays and my Dnan has her the majority of most school holidays so she is used to spending time without me so I don't really think it's about missing me.

I have done everything I can to make her dad love her. I even took him in when he got evicted and got back together with him for a year thinking if he spent enough time with her they would bond more. I have really gone above and beyond what I needed to do.

If you have got this far thanks, now IABU to think fuck you, you had your chance to build a strong relationship my dd doesn't need you around and instead of making her go do what I have been doing this last month and making our weekends jam packed with things to do and people to see so she doesn't miss seeing him or want to see him regularly again. I think it will be more damaging long term forcing her to go and see him then letting her stop.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 16/12/2013 01:20

They mostly wait until a large commitment has been made so a move marriage engagement or birth before they get violent and abusive because its easier to abuse someone whose committed to you than it is to do so to someone who could without a thought run a mile

Original poster
MincedMuffPies · 04/01/2014 22:03

Hi everyone who posted.

I'm really thinking of ringing ss tomorrow and seeing what they say.

His game playing has got totally out of hand I'm not having it no more it's not fair on my dd at all.

What will they say and do? I'm really doing this as my last resort I don't want to. What if they question my dc and decide I'm not a fit parent? What if I'm not a fit parent? It seems like a very big can of worms to open.

OP posts:
Charlie50 · 08/01/2014 19:51

Hi Minced,
How did you get on with SS or not? I don't really have any advice and think others are more experienced jn this area but totally agree that you should avoid being alone with him.
Maybe he isn't a fit parent right now to see his daughter if he thinks it is ok to abuse you in front of her.
Followed your thread I think you sound like a good caring mum and hope the situation gets sorted soon.
Sounds like he needs to know that you aren't alone in this so getting people on side, SS , friends is important.

MincedMuff · 08/01/2014 20:14

I was going to, I rang my mum in tears as I just didn't know what to do.

We had a slight argument on the phone, well he rang me and started shouting at me for my attitude and said he's not bringing dd's brothers to her party.

So I have decided with my mums help to go completely NC and dd is NC with him to from now. He is not playing games with my dd no more or putting her safety at risk.

I know he won't take me to court for contact, he won't even pay child support let alone spend money taking me to court. I have switched sim cards on dds phone so he can't ring her up and play his stupid mind fucks on her again.

I just felt before so guilty that I was stopping dd see her dad but actually shes really quite happy. Have told her some people look grownup but are not really and we are having a break from daddy till he grows up more. I think I wanted someone like ss to say I was doing the right thing, even now I do doubt myself but actually fuck you prick your not fucking up my daughter.

BuffyxSummers · 08/01/2014 20:23

I think you've made a difficult decision but it sounds the right one for your dd at the moment. I think that grown up explanation is a good one too. No one should be allowed to fuck someone up just because they are their mum or dad.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/01/2014 20:25

As long as you do what you think is best for DD nobody can fault you. It's your decision to make at the moment and since you seem to be the only parent looking out for your little girl you have every right to do what you feel is in her best interest.

Maybe change your phone numbers too. Through experience I know how awful abusive texts and phonecalls can make you feel. It's an added stress you don't need.

MincedMuff · 08/01/2014 20:33

If I felt he actually loved her and wouldn't put her in actual danger I would not of done this.

It still makes me shudder that he didn't care about her enough and swapped her out of a seat with a seatbelt to the space in the middle with no belt. One emergency stop and dd wouldn't be here.

The day I last posted I was so upset that he could be so spiteful to dd and only be about him.

Logically I can see its because he has lost control of us and will do anything to get it back. I hate him for what he does to my daughter and I won't allow it no more.

I do feel so sad for dd that NC means not seeing her siblings to Sad

MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/01/2014 20:45

Minced I appreciate what you are saying about her siblings and that this has not been an easy decision to come to but what you have to keep remembering is that you don't think DD is safe with him.

Her safety is your top priority, don't forget that and let him emotionally blackmail you. You have to stay as strong as you can and fight back hard, even if it is fighting with silence.

Have you spoken to the school to make sure they are aware of the situation and that he isn't to collect her etc? It would also go in your favour to have told a professional body like this your concerns in case he ever does seek legal advice. Maybe even visit a solicitor, a lot off free 1 hour consultations. You could them get a bit more understanding of exactly where you stand.

MincedMuff · 08/01/2014 20:58

The sad thing is meep he doesn't care enough about dd to just go and take her. If I thought for one minute he would I would of already spoke to the school.

Hes not on dds birth cert so doesn't have parental responsibility so if the worst scenario did happen he wouldn't be able to keep her.

I have been thinking about seeing a solicitor but I wouldn't really know what to ask Confused

MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/01/2014 21:05

Minced I honestly truly wouldn't want to take the risk... Let them know. Not just because of the fact he could turn up but also it's a big change for your daughter. They would keep and eye on her, speak to you if they thought she seemed withdrawn or upset etc.

It would give you one more added bit of security, what harm could it do? You have said he is controlling and abusive, and like you said he doesn't like the fact he doesn't have control, you really don't know if he is capable of trying to get at you by going through your DD. I'm not suggesting he would hurt her as I really am not in a position to guess but at the very least it could cause alot of upset and confusion for your daughter not to mention worry and stress for you. Think about it.

UncleT · 08/01/2014 21:10

He sounds like an awful piece of work.

Regardless of whether you think he could be bothered to take her from school, DO take precautions there. He's abusive and may try to get at you through her. DO have him arrested if he ever lays an unwanted finger on you again.

It's a very difficult situation, but if she's happy with no contact then that's the ultimate consideration. If he wants to persuade a judge to restore access then he can get off his abusive backside and put some time and effort into doing so.

I think the drip-feeding criticism was totally wrong and very unhelpful, particularly when you immediately told us about his abusive behaviour. You didn't mention to us what colour underpants he wears in the opening post, so maybe that's also grounds for such criticism. [have Seriously people, the main points were covered and she's obviously upset.

MincedMuff · 08/01/2014 21:16

My problem is with speaking to the school I will just end up crying and feeling like a prick. How do I phrase it to the school to a HT whos the same age as me, cooly and to the point? I do not want to come across all over the place.

MincedMuff · 08/01/2014 21:17

Do you think I could email?

MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/01/2014 21:25

If you don't feel strong enough to meet face to face which I do think would be preferable then yes email, but I wouldn't be surprised if the response was at the very least a phone call or an invitation in to speak in person.

Do you think you could meet face to face if you wrote it all down? Crying because you are going through a hard time doesn't make you look bad. God I broke down in tears at my work speaking to my boss about my situation a few times and he was a massive support to me and DD.

I can't help but think that through your relationship you have lost sight of the fact that most normal humans have compassion and I think you would be hard pushed to find anyone decent who wouldn't sympathize fully with your situation.

MincedMuff · 08/01/2014 21:50

What actually should I say?

DD's dad moved out in the summer, since then he's been a cunt and I do not want him picking dd up from school in future?

I don't think I will get sympathy, look at some of the comments on this thread! Although I wouldn't want sympathy it would just make me cry.

UncleT · 08/01/2014 21:56

These issues are serious and deeply upsetting. Only a complete bastard would consider you a 'prick' if you broke down during a serious discussion about it. Easy up on yourself a bit. People there will be sympathetic, especially where violence is a concern.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 08/01/2014 22:02

Just tell the truth, that he moved out in the summer that he has been abusive and things have gotten progressively difficult and volatile and that you don't under any circumstances want this man to be involved with the school in any way shape or form. Also that if he turns up they are to contact you and you can contact the police if need be. If he is aggressive at the school they would have to contact them independently.

Stick to the points you want to discuss and explain it's difficult for you to talk about. People can be dicks sometimes but I wouldn't take notice of some of the above posts. The school will support you and your DD where needed.

UncleT is right.

pigletmania · 08/01/2014 22:28

I totally understand op, I am Shock at some of the responses on here. He sounds like a hasty vile abusive individual, of course you want to protect dd from this. He abviously has his favourites, openly displays thus in front of dd, not acceptable! Did you report the assault to the police.

I would sit down and ask her what she wants! She is 8, old enough to have a voice. If she still wants to see dad, than just do day access. Can you not handover in a neutral place? If not, just keep it to phone calls and see what happens. Let her take the lead!

MincedMuff · 08/01/2014 22:32

Thanks I will make an appointment and say that meep,

Just feel such a stereotype and having to say it out loud makes it more real.

pigletmania · 08/01/2014 22:38

Really you have to cut ex out completely. No letting him back in, if her turns up at tescos, do not succumb to him. Walk away! Go with 2 a month day contact as that's what your dd wants.

MincedMuff · 08/01/2014 22:45

Piglet I did just post up a little that dd is NC now, have decided enough is enough,

last time he had her before christmas he told her to get out the seat she was in and had her sat in the space in the middle of the back seat with no belt.

Christmas he turned up at my door with presents and one of those was a phone for dd. Ringing everynight and playing games with dd. Tell mummy I wat to pick you up NYE so dds getting stressed we were getting a taxi, shouting at dd for not answering and having it on her all the time, and ringing her saying here speak to your siblings and making her feel left out. I said after the seat belt incident he wasn't to have her so that was his fuck you to me but spiting her. He then rang me after and said he has decided not to bring her brothers to her party as he doesn't know how I will be on the day.

So dd is now NC no phonecalls no nothing, hes not doing it again to her.

pigletmania · 08/01/2014 22:55

Oh mince you have to protect your dd from this, it's your job as a mother. If he wants contact he can go through the courts (legal aid has been scrapped). Contact is nit always good for the child, she is very young to defend herself from your ex games and manipulation.

IneedAsockamnesty · 08/01/2014 23:05

When you talk to the school make a point of highlighting the lack of PR

pigletmania · 08/01/2014 23:07

He doe sent sound like he adds anything to her life anyway. When he chucked her out of her seat, who did he sit in her place? That phone wasn't a gift, it's a way if manipulating and controlling her, shouting at her when she did nit have it on her. I bloody would have confiscate it.

GatoradeMeBitch · 08/01/2014 23:33

I don't know why people are saying she should keep making her have contact when she doesn't want it. Gradual erosion of her self-esteem over years may not look as devastating as physical abuse but the results can be just as bad. Being constantly negatively compared to her other sister is horrible.

At 8 years old she is now old enough to speak to a family court judge and have her wishes taken into account. So I would say yes, stop all contact. Your daughter's emotional wellbeing is 1st, 2nd and 3rd priority over any of his so-called rights.