Travelling with a newborn, AIBU?

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Three years ago, for my husband's 30th birthday, his mother organised a family party at their house. Everyone went and it was fine. Next April it's my husband's brother's 30th birthday and therefore MIL is organising another family party.

We have been given the date and it's four weeks after my due date, first baby. Parents in law (and majority of the family) live 500 miles away from us.

PILs mentioned how it will be the perfect opportunity for them us to introduce the baby to the extended family. PILs will have already met the baby as they are planning on coming to stay as soon as it's born, as is brother whose birthday it is.

I mentioned to my husband that this may not be feasible as travelling all that way with such a small baby will be hard work - it's an 8 hour drive without stops. So I presume with feeding stops we are looking at the journey taking around 12 hours. We can't fly as it's unlikely that we will have the baby's passport in time. Most importantly, I explained that I don't know how I will feel and that I may not be up for travelling such a long way. However, I have always maintained that if all is going well and I feel fine, baby is in a routine etc. then we will be able to go but we won't be able to confirm until shortly before the party.

My husband said to me last night that the party is non-negotiable. We HAVE to go. He says I am deliberately being difficult to avoid going as it's being organised by his family and if it were my family, it would be different.

I told him that I think he is being unreasonable to expect me to commit to the party now but he doesn't want to listen. He keeps on repeating 'we will go, and there will be no problem'. I told him he can go on his own but he refuses to go without the baby.

It's stressing me out! AIBU to think that such a trip is rather unfeasible? Does anyone else have any experience of travelling with such a small baby? Or perhaps I am being rather negative as deep down I would prefer not to go (but if all is well I obviously will)...

I assume it's somewhere in the UK? I think you could fly with the baby's birth certificate. If the flights are cheap could you book them, then see how you feel at the time ? If baby is late or you are not up to it for any reason then obviously you won't be able to go. You may want to, you may not.... It should be your choice. I booked flights for DD before she was born and it is doable

I think you are being completely reasonable and really nice about the situation.

Your dh on the other hand is being a first class prick.

Is he actually aware of exactly what your body will go through giving birth to his child? Even if all goes perfectly you could still be bleeding quite heavily, and I doubt a 12 hour journey will do that any good.

I had a similar situation when ds was due. 400 mile drive when he was 5 weeks. I said the same as you....id see how it goea. Luckily dp was great. I didnt go in the end. I was still teying to properly establish bf.....bleeding like a tap ( birth complications) and was not very mobile...again due to pregnancy complications.

On the other hand you may feel fine and totally up to it. My cousin recently bought her 2 week old baby to cornwall from liverpool. Shes absoloutley fine...and baby slept the whole way and had to be woken for feeds.

You cant possibly tell until nearer the time. Please sont feel pushed into it. Do you feel able to actually just say no and stay home? Could you try really explaining to your dh just what can be involved in the birth/rexovery/routine with new baby?

On the other hand, if you are 2 weeks late, have a long induction, C section and a long stay in hospital, you could only have been home for a few days at the time of the party with a 10 day old. Not wishing it on you, just so you can point this out to your husband! C section is a minimum 6 week recovery and you would be absolutely tired and reasonable to say No. I think your husband needs to hear some real life recovery stories!

Wow. 4 weeks after due date, so you could be 3 weeks after birth if it's late (as statistically first babies are)

I think your DH is going to get a horrible wake up call when the baby arrives - it may be harder than he thinks!The tiredness is overwhelming, you'll probably still be bleeding and wearing those massive sanitary towels, my stitches were still giving me hassle after 3 weeks.

Your DH is being unrealistic.

YANBU! The baby could be born up to two weeks late. If for any reason you need a c section you may only have a few weeks to recover before the journey ( which won't be enough )

You haven't said no you've said you'll see how it goes, which is the best you can do in these circumstances IMO.

Congrats on your new baby

I wouldn't want to make any definite plans like that either YANBU

You really don't know until after how you'll be feeling etc... so it's just impossible to say how manageable it would be.

We were meant to be going for a birthday dinner when DD1 was 3-4 weeks. Beforehand I couldn't see it being a problem but come the time we were shattered, nursing every 2 hours and still wasn't very confident about nursing in public either.

We didn't go in the end and that was only dinner. No way would we have been driving 8 hours :)

It was In-Law related too though and did cause a lot of annoyance but we didn't really care. It was SIL's birthday (not a milestone one) and even though they came over for a bit for a visit before they all went out for dinner there was much lamenting that we weren't coming... Hey ho.

You mentioned the baby being in a routine by 4 weeks old.... I know some people have very easy babies or they themselves are sticklers for enforcing routine, but my view is that you're being a bit green here.

One of the great things about 4 week olds is that they are portable because they don't have a routine yet. Once the routine comes (with both my kids it wasn't till closer till 7 months or so) then they become less easily transported as you need to factor in nap times, etc.

In that regard you might find it easy enough with a 4 week old travelling that far. Baby might sleep in the car and you can feed when needed. But, at that age both my DC breastfed for Ireland - sometimes feeding for hours at a time.

Think about the possibility that the baby might be born late, and might only be a fortnight old at the party. Also, you never know what sort of labour/birth you'll have and think about the practicality of travelling so far by car after a c-section. I've never had a c-section, but I've heard it can be sore after to sit down for too long.

Your DH telling you that the party isn't negotiable is also because he's green - I'm assuming it's also his first baby, so he also is unsure about what the reality will be. If he's that fussed then maybe he could attend himself, although I also don't think that's ideal.

In short, there's no perfect way for you to plan for this, as you don't know when DC will arrive and how happy and healthy you will be after. It's unfair on your MIL to pressure you, but it's funny how decades can effect their memories. I'd maybe be cheeky and ask her how she'd have felt making the same trip when she had a newborn....

If it is somewhere in the UK you won't need a passport anyway.

This is a tricky situation because your husband is obviously so excited about showing off your new baby.

How about splitting the journey and staying overnight somewhere on the way. 4 hour journeys suddenly become more doable I think. We did a four hour journey when our DD was 5 weeks old. She slept every minute of the way Massive feed, into car, massive feed when arrived. Job done.

I would make a contingency plan but I wouldn't be too negative.

The trouble is everyone seems to know "a friend" who was out running a marathon after a week (I've never met such a person myself) and seem to base their idea of what you should be fit for on that

Newborns should not be in car seats for more than 45 minutes at at time (I think, can't find the statistic to check) due to the risk of hypoxia and therefore SIDS from the chin-to-chest position the baby is forced into. It may be longer than 45 minutes, but I'm sure it's not 8 hours!

And if you ended up delivering late, you may only be two weeks post-delivery, by which point I was only just able to sit down at all, let alone sit in a car for 8 hrs plus.

Saying that, I had to fly long haul when DD was 5 weeks for an emergency, and we survived. Wouldn't have chosen to though.

It's not good for newborn babies to spend a long time in the car seat - I think the recommended limit is two hours. You could look that up so you have some 'official' backup for your argument? I would not take well to being told by my husband that something was 'non negotiable' - this is a family decision, not just his.

YANBU to not go anywhere you don't want to.

But travelling with a baby isn't impossible in the slightest- in fact will probably be easier at that age as they'll sleep most of the journey instead of screeching to get out. Sit in the middle back seat next to the baby and you can breastfeed on the motorway if your boobs are saggy enough without getting the baby out.

You can make it all as easy as you like with the right mental attitude.

Ooh x post!

Ha! An 8 hour drive with a 4 week old, are you kidding? There is no feasible way I would do this. I assume this is your first baby?

For starters, first babies are more likely to be late. You may well only have a 2 week old. Unless you are very lucky your baby will not have a routine, it takes at least a fortnight before they can differenciate day and night at all.

An 8 hour drive would take days. Your newborn can only be in it's car seat for a maximum of 2 hours in a row, because the angle of the seat effects their oxygen intake. Also, I am not convinced you will be safe to drive. At four weeks my babies woke at best every two hours, and I was so sleep deprived I would hallucinate. You may not have established breastfeeding (if that's what you're planning). You may well still be bleeding heavily after the birth. You may have stitches and be in pain (if you have a c-section you won't be able to drive, and sitting will be painful).

I think you are being very generous to even consider this. Of course it isn't non-negotiable, what a ridiculous idea!

YANBU to refuse to make concrete plans. You have no idea what is about to happen - you could have a difficult delivery, a C-section, you could be late, you might (god forbid) have postnatal depression or complications of some kind, or you might simply be plain exhausted. You are simply not in a position to make concrete commitments like this until you know more what the situation is. If your DP can't understand that, he's being a cloth-eared idiot! :)

Wait and see how things go, and make sure that your DP does his share of the cleaning up, feeding, late night getups etc. He may see reason when he's in the thick of it.

Both of my children hated the car for the first 3 months or so and would scream throughout any journey - apparently it's fairly common. Can't he go alone?

Your DH isn't being a monster but he is being very naive. He just can't comprehend at the moment what your body might be trying to cope with and how hard having a newborn is.

If I were you I'd just leave it at a 'we'll see, but hopefully we'll go' and then revisit it after the birth. He'll be thinking very differently by then.

Ha, thanks jelly, obviously I'm doom-mongering with my 45 minutes. 2-hours sounds more like it

I think its going to be more about your own recovery than the practicalities of taking a v young baby all that way. Apart from the fact that like others have said ....baby cant be in the carseat for too long at a time.

Again as others have pointed out.....you could be late. I was 15 days overdue when the began to induce me. Tore very badly.....theres no way that just under 2 weeks on I would have been able to sit in a car for long. I still had to take one of those bloody cushions, an absorbent mat and a bottle too pour water over me everytime I went for a pee!! Not nice. Like I said though its all relative. You may find you will be fine. But I really wouldn5 make any promises.

Yes you could be 10 days post a miserable c/s.... but you could also have the baby normally on time or even a bit early and be the proud mum og a 6 week old settled breast feeding well small bundle.

Expect the best and prepare for the worst!

Don't argue with DP or commit to going just " you'll see what you can do when the time comes" and rinse and repeat as broken record strategy to DP and in laws

I can't quite understand why your DH doesn't get that there might be complications and 4 weeks might be far too soon to travel.

Maybe you could mollify him and agree to go, book flights etc - but don't be forced into going if you are not up to it!

If it helps with discussing this with your DH - I was 2 weeks overdue, had a horrible induction ending in an EMCS, then a week stay in hospital. So 4 weeks after my due date I had only been home with DS for 1 week. Was still trying to establish bfeeding etc. I also had an issue with my c section wound which meant I had to see a nurse daily! No way could I have gone on an 8 hour car journey. It's not always a matter of having a positive mindset - it just wouldn't have been possible.

I'm sure you won't have the same kind of experience as me, but it is not impossible that something similar could happen.

I just don't get why he isn't being more kind to you?

YANBU. The odds are greater for it being unfeasable rather than viable.

DS1 was an EmCS. I travelled two hours at 6 wks and felt broken at the end of it from all the sitting.

DS2 was a VBAC with 3rd degree tear. It was 4 wks before I could face sitting in the drivers seat for very local journeys. Sitting in the car was harder than on a soft sofa and cushions. I still wasn't sitting on a dning chair.

Aside from your birth and recovery, baby is likely to need half an hour feeds every 2-3 hours. The car seat is not good for them. Even after a great birth with minimal recovery, it's a very long distance for a small baby who needs frequent feeds.

Having re-read the OP, I am feeling increasingly concerned. I don't want to be really negative as I am sure some people could manage this and enjoy it but my feelings four weeks after my first baby was that a family event like this would have been torture. I was exhausted, I didn't have the energy to make myself look nice, I wouldn't have had the organisational skills to pack everything up for a trip away and most importantly I was wildly protective of the baby and would have been very distressed to have had people taking him off me and passing him round at a family party. I would have hated being out of my home environment and found breastfeeding impossible to do discreetly so would have felt very awkward at this kind of event. Also babies at that age cluster feed through the evenings which older people seem to forget so when you reattach baby twenty minutes after their last hour-long feed for another one you get loads of comments along the lines of routine, over-feeding blah blah. But it's actually important to feed like this for growth spurts and establishing your supply. I think attending this party is a really bad idea and I would absolutely refuse outright, giving everyone time to get used to the decision.

Also, are your in-laws actually staying at your house when baby is born? Unless I knew they would be super helpful and uncritical, I wouldn't be happy about that either!

Do not go! You will definitely regret it. I have 3DC and wouldn't have attempted the journey with any, and especially my DC1.