Travelling with a newborn, AIBU?

[tertle]

Three years ago, for my husband's 30th birthday, his mother organised a family party at their house. Everyone went and it was fine. Next April it's my husband's brother's 30th birthday and therefore MIL is organising another family party.

We have been given the date and it's four weeks after my due date, first baby. Parents in law (and majority of the family) live 500 miles away from us.

PILs mentioned how it will be the perfect opportunity for them us to introduce the baby to the extended family. PILs will have already met the baby as they are planning on coming to stay as soon as it's born, as is brother whose birthday it is.

I mentioned to my husband that this may not be feasible as travelling all that way with such a small baby will be hard work - it's an 8 hour drive without stops. So I presume with feeding stops we are looking at the journey taking around 12 hours. We can't fly as it's unlikely that we will have the baby's passport in time. Most importantly, I explained that I don't know how I will feel and that I may not be up for travelling such a long way. However, I have always maintained that if all is going well and I feel fine, baby is in a routine etc. then we will be able to go but we won't be able to confirm until shortly before the party.

My husband said to me last night that the party is non-negotiable. We HAVE to go. He says I am deliberately being difficult to avoid going as it's being organised by his family and if it were my family, it would be different.

I told him that I think he is being unreasonable to expect me to commit to the party now but he doesn't want to listen. He keeps on repeating 'we will go, and there will be no problem'. I told him he can go on his own but he refuses to go without the baby.

It's stressing me out! AIBU to think that such a trip is rather unfeasible? Does anyone else have any experience of travelling with such a small baby? Or perhaps I am being rather negative as deep down I would prefer not to go (but if all is well I obviously will)...

Well if you're BF, he won't be going anywhere with the baby without you unless he's planning to drag you there by force so you can tell him to quit trying to lay down the law because he sounds like a twat.

Fact is, you have no idea when the baby will be born or how it will go so you can't possibly commit. Just cut to the chase and tell your ILs thar yourself, then what he thinks is irrelevant

YANBU - you are being realistic. It is not easy to travel so soon after the birth.

See what happens, I wouldn't bother saying anymore about it now as he will just take that as you trying to get out of it. When the baby is born he will have a clearer idea of what is involved!!!!

Well I wouldn't go and I'd make that clear now. Anyone who summoned me anywhere 4 weeks after birth could go get fucked and that would include my husband. (And for a bloody ego party - it's hardly life or death is it).

We flew to Cyprus with DD1 (first born) when she was six weeks old (after an emcs) for a family wedding. It was the easiest holiday I've had with the children. At that age they are very portable and if you are BF its relatively easy.

However it all depends what the birth's like, how you feel and how the baby is.

So I'd probably let him book it and say lets see how we feel closer to the time.

Finally re passports both my DDs have needed and had passorts within the first four weeks of their life. So it is possible if you really want to go.

YANBU as everyone has said.
I'm am a bit worried about this as well:

PILs will have already met the baby as they are planning on coming to stay as soon as it's born, as is brother whose birthday it is.

Really, the last thing most new parents need or can cope with is house guests as soon as the baby is born. Visitors yes, lovely - even so many people limit numbers and times of visitors after birth (as do hospitals) and allow some private parent-baby bonding time before the herds of excited relatives get to clutch the tiny newborn.

Were you asked about your in laws coming to stay, and DH brother 'as soon as the baby is born'?

What sort of house guests are they?
How long are they staying?
Will they be respectful of your baby's need to cuddle and snooze in his mother's arms/on his daddy's chest and nurse nonstop every two hours and not be passed about like a parcel?
Will they be sympathetic if you just want to lie in bed cuddling your baby, establishing feeding, and letting your body rest and heal? Will they help round the house, shop and cook and clean, iron and bring you snacks and tell you how marvellous you are?

If not I'd have a big think about that arrangement...

It will be fine. If a domestic flight, baby can travel without id (though check airline rules). Car journey will be fine. Plan feeding stops regulary. Baby will prob sleep most of the journey anyway. Consider overnighting somewhere to break it up. I did similar with a newborn and I guarantee you it is a million times easier when they are that age than when they are 1!

I would be pretty certain that if you mentioned this to your midwife in front of DH they would be very quick to explain why this was not possible. They would definitely site the. SIDs guidelines. Please don't have a baby in the car seat for 8 hours, even with breaks for feeding. I have a friend of a friend who lost a baby due to being in the car seat for 5 hours with a 30 min break. It's the way the car seats are shaped, it pushes the baby's head down and it affects their oxygen intake. Over a long period it can have serious complications. That's what you need to spelling out to DH, he would be risking your baby by doing this.

Also yes, you will not be in a fit state to travel for that long. You need to be laid down resting. Sitting for long periods can cause awful pain because it puts pressure on the bits that need to heal. Laying down is the only position that takes the pressure off and you need to be doing this a lot to allow everything to successfully heal. Bleeding can get heavier if you push yourself. Mine became worryingly heavy a week post delivery because I'd been pushing myself too much and not resting, I needed to go back into hospital urgently. What if you are half way on a journey and your bleeding becomes heavy, will DH be able to assess you himself, is he medically trained?

Both my babies needed to be held lots at that age and would have screamed being shoved in a car seat. They both also cluster fed - 15 minute feeds every 30 mins. They refused to take more at a time but were screaming hungry again 15 minutes later. I had to feed on demand as otherwise my milk wouldn't have established and I would have had to introduce formula. for the first 4 - 6 weeks and longer if you've had a c section you would normally be barely leaving the house because they honestly feed all the time.

You also need to consider that it's not just he possible tears you may have post birth, you may lose a lot of blood and therefore be unwell, you may have piles which are damned painful, you may have a c section in which case I'm not convinced the medical staff will allow you to travel that far - your wound needs regular checking to prevent infection and you may be needing regular monitoring. I know it isn't advised for people having had other major surgery to sit in care for 8 hours, a c section is no less major.

Get your DH to read this thread, find the guidelines on SIDS and get your mw to discuss the implications of childbirth on your body. I couldn't even walk up stairs on my own a week after giving birth with DC2, I nearly passed out walking to the park 7 days post birth. I'd have been in agony sitting in a car that long.

He's being plain stupid, although through naivety rather than anything else.

you can fly with a British baby within the UK on Easyjet (and probably others) without any ID for it. So no passport issue.

no-one should drive 8 hours without stops, dangerous and selfish. As noted, the baby shouldn't be in a car seat for more than a couple of hours at a time anyway.

don't like your husband's comments at all, anyway it is only a birthday party FFS.

also are you quite sure you want all those house guests just after giving birth? Unless they are planning to take over and look after YOU, that is...

YANBU to not commit to this now. 10 days after I had DD2, my (terminally ill) dear friend was getting married in a venue which was 3 hours drive there and 3 hours back. I was DETERMINED to be there and in fact persuaded my lovely consultant to book my c-section a few days earlier for that reason. I'd had a c-section before, and had no issues breast feeding before so although I didn't think it was going to be an easy journey I thought I could do it. However when it came to it, we were in the middle of a 95 degree heatwave (in April!!) and I was having trouble feeding DD2 (didn't realise it at the time but she had tongue tie). I very reluctantly decided that I just couldn't do it with all the stops for feeding, in that heat.

I can't tell you how much I regret that I wasn't there on her big day BUT it was still the right decision for me and DD2. My lovely friend totally understood and she had a wonderful magical day.

My point being - you have no idea what will happen, how you and baby will be feeling, so your husband is being a fool to say it is non-negotiable!

If you can make it, great, if you can't then they will all have to get over it. It's a birthday party. There will be other birthday parties.

Good luck OP!

There is no way I would have been physically or emotionally able to make that sort of journey after either of my two babies births. It would have disrupted breast feeding, probably catapulted me into exhaustion/depression, and been dreadful for the baby too - as others have said, newborns are not supposed to be in carseats for longer than 2 hours. Mine wanted to feed pretty much hourly anyway, and feeds when they were little took an hour. That's not uncommon.

My advice is to get your midwife to talk to your husband, if he won't listen to you. But don't commit to the trip. Assume you are not going, and then if all is well and you feel up to it, then great, but believe me, you won't want to deal with family pressure after the birth.

As everyone else has said babies shouldn't be in a car seat for more than 2 hours without a break due to SIDS. Read the SIDS website it's got lots of useful info on sleeping.

It will take you hours with breaks and feeds. Also a four week old with a routine? They're only just learning the difference between night and day, I think I was still feeding 2-3 hourly by then. We had no routine! Babies tend to have their own routine at that stage.

Are you really having everyone to stay after the birth? Are they staying at yours? No offence but if they are that's crazy! My in laws stayed at a b&b, which was much better as we had family time with the three of us. I hope they aren't expecting you to make cups of tea and for you to cook and to hog your newborn. There are lots of threads on here from people wishing they'd said no!

Your DH is being very naive. You may well still be recovering from the birth and you'll both be knackered. To say you have to go is quite selfish.

YANBU. Your husband is being selfish and naive. This will be a horrible ordeal for you and the baby, and even if it was magically ok, you dont need the weeks of anxiety stressing about it.

As PPs mentioned, lots of babies hate carseats. My 6mo still does, and can scream - properly scream - for up to 2 hours non stop. So we dont go anywhere - we're only now going to visit our families, 250 miles away, at Xmas. And we're so stressed about it. At 4 weeks it would have been awful, not least as she was breastfeeding every 20 mins and we'd never had more than a couple of hours' sleep.

I'd show your DH this thread, and say no now.

My husband was anxious, I think, that I would perceive that our "lives had stopped" when dd arrived. We had several arguments about small and big issues on this theme. In fact, he had just lost perspective in the same way that most new parents do - thinking that the experience of the first few days and weeks reflect what's going to happen in the rest of your lives.

Look around you. People with toddlers and children do in fact have full and sociable lives, they haven't "stopped". But people with tiny newborns, not so much. This is life, and it's easy to understand on an intellectual level but harder to process emotionally when it comes to your own family.

We had a really similar situation involving aggravation over the decision about attending the wedding of a close friend. In the end, the baby was two weeks late and I was expressing milk and feeding it with a cup at the stage when we would have needed to travel. I didn't go, DH went alone. It's a very close group of friends, and I can tell you that three years later people have literally forgotten that I wasn't there.

Final advice - if baby is early, feeding and recovery goes well, it's true that small babies are portable. But, you won't want to spend that time after the birth working out the answers to questions like "how do I sterilise stuff in a hotel."? Do that research now, show willing and stay flexible. Good luck.

Wow, thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies and for sharing your experiences. I am glad to see that the majority of you think that IANBU!

We will not be flying domestically, the flight is from one country to another (neither being the UK), so we will definitely need a passport. The car is the only real option. Although for those who mentioned the car seat issue, travelling with a bassinet on the back seat is perfectly legal where we live so the baby would be able to lie in that for the journey.

I think that as suggested, I will just keep quiet about it from now on and indeed see what happens next year. To the poster who said my husband and I are being ‘green’; yes I think we are! It’s our first baby, I am sure he will become a little more reasonable once he/she arrives.

And for those who have raised an eyebrow about my PILs coming to stay – I am afraid that this is yet another story! I don’t mind about this as I know how desperate they will be to see the baby and they are very helpful so there won’t be any pressure on me. Plus, we will be in my house, where I feel at home, which will be quite different from being in their house a few weeks later.

I didn't want to be a doom-monger so really glad that lots of people have mentioned the car seat risks, the breastfeeding issues, the stress, the discomfort - it makes me cross that there are people who will put this kind of pressure on new mothers for the sake of a party/their desire to show off a newborn. Yes, it's lovely that they are excited about the baby but expecting you to make this journey is very unfair. Anyway, I think the car seat issue alone should clinch the argument - no one can ask you to take that risk and they shouldn't want you to.

Oh, and, my midwife did not come up trumps on the "you tell him I can't go" card. She just said everyone makes their own decisions....

Sorry, x-posted again. Are you really happy to use a bassinet rather than a car seat, legal or not?

Just say no now. It is an unnecessary and difficult journey. Stay home and enjoy the first few weeks with your new baby.

Tertle, if you would need a passport to fly would you not also need one to drive anyway ?

travelling with a bassinet on the back seat is perfectly legal where we live so the baby would be able to lie in that for the journey.

Might be legal, but hardly safe! How will crib/baby be restrained?
Hideous idea.

I would like to add to all the examples of birth issues above, your husband will likely be far too shattered to do that kind of driving with a newborn - or is he still expecting 8 hours a night when your DC arrives?

You don't need a passport to fly internally, but you've got no idea how you're going to be that soon after the birth.

I believe that some airlines don't allow babies to fly if they are less than 2 weeks old. And it's possible, if the baby is overdue, that it will be this young.

I am comfortable to travel with the bassinet, but I still do think it's too far. I suppose we could try to break it up with an overnight stay but again, I don't want to start planning a long trip away from home. It is my first baby but I am presuming that I will prefer to have my home comforts around me at this time.

We will be able to cross the border with the baby's birth certificate (if even asked as it's very unlikely we will be stopped) hence not needing a passport to drive.

Husband is just intent on not disappointing the family but he hasn't thought much about me! I suppose the birth should put things into perspective .

Thanks again for the support and useful comments. Will also look at the SIDS site to see what they say about sleeping in all types of car seats.

There are bassinets that are designed for the car - Jane do one (the Matrix I think) and so do Britax. Definitely get one of those, they have the correct straps etc inside.

DD was 2 weeks late, I had a Csection and I had an amazing recovery, all the midwives were really impressed - at 2 weeks I was still in my pyjamas and leaking from everywhere but at 4 weeks I could have just about done it.

As you say, I think the birth and immediate aftermath will make your husband realise it may not be feasible. You are right to say wait and see, and maybe you can get a midwife to forbid it once baby arrives!

I also think that you need to show willing and plan to go to the party. Book the flights or plan a 2 day journey with hotel and say that you will definitely go if you can: you might go early, have a dream delivery & be established & confident as a new mum.

However, I think the odds will be against you going. There are so many complications that could (and often do!) happen. If you are late and have a C-Section then there is no way you would be able to travel. Any midwife or health visitor would support you in that.

And even if you are on time and have a perfect vaginal delivery with no stitches then you may still be bleeding, tired and emotional. Or you could be like me - 2 weeks late, in hosp for a week with poorly baby, infected perineum stitches, aching nipples from breastfeeding, exhausted from iron deficiency, lack of sleep and feeding every 3 hours. And that was after my 3rd baby. There is no way I would have gone anywhere after the 1st.

I realise that I am painting a bleak picture, but this was reality for me and it is for a lot of people.

Does your DH realise all this? Can you show him this thread?