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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Travelling with a newborn, AIBU?

124 replies

tertle · 11/12/2013 10:23

Three years ago, for my husband's 30th birthday, his mother organised a family party at their house. Everyone went and it was fine. Next April it's my husband's brother's 30th birthday and therefore MIL is organising another family party.

We have been given the date and it's four weeks after my due date, first baby. Parents in law (and majority of the family) live 500 miles away from us.

PILs mentioned how it will be the perfect opportunity for them us to introduce the baby to the extended family. PILs will have already met the baby as they are planning on coming to stay as soon as it's born, as is brother whose birthday it is.

I mentioned to my husband that this may not be feasible as travelling all that way with such a small baby will be hard work - it's an 8 hour drive without stops. So I presume with feeding stops we are looking at the journey taking around 12 hours. We can't fly as it's unlikely that we will have the baby's passport in time. Most importantly, I explained that I don't know how I will feel and that I may not be up for travelling such a long way. However, I have always maintained that if all is going well and I feel fine, baby is in a routine etc. then we will be able to go but we won't be able to confirm until shortly before the party.

My husband said to me last night that the party is non-negotiable. We HAVE to go. He says I am deliberately being difficult to avoid going as it's being organised by his family and if it were my family, it would be different.

I told him that I think he is being unreasonable to expect me to commit to the party now but he doesn't want to listen. He keeps on repeating 'we will go, and there will be no problem'. I told him he can go on his own but he refuses to go without the baby.

It's stressing me out! AIBU to think that such a trip is rather unfeasible? Does anyone else have any experience of travelling with such a small baby? Or perhaps I am being rather negative as deep down I would prefer not to go (but if all is well I obviously will)...

OP posts:

LittleBearPad · 12/12/2013 00:43

YANBU to play it by ear closer to the time. You have no idea how you will feel, how baby will be, how feeding will be going etc.

If everything goes really really well it may be feasible but don't feel bad about not committing.

Re transport - could you take a train, especially the TGV if it's France? You could move about and the baby wouldn't be so confined.

Quoteunquote · 12/12/2013 01:02

When you find yourself in the situation where you are being asked to commit to plans in late pregnancy, or after the baby is born.

Always ask yourself, Will this benefit the baby/myself? and Is this what I would choose to be doing?

Then say "Sorry, that won't work for me/us.

Did your mother in law do a 1,000 mile round trip after having her babies?

They are just trying to parcel it all up into nice conveniant arrangements, none of them in your position would want to do the trip, none of them would want to do it if it were their baby, and no baby given the choice would think it a great plan,

Laugh a lot and say, "Remember when you try to convince me it was a good idea to travel to that party at the other end of the country with baby....

offer to skyp them.

of course you could do it, but why would you, not for any reason that high up the list of priorities, that is something they will have to morn, not being high up the priorities. send flowers.

BazilGin · 12/12/2013 06:12

Your husband is vvvu. i had a fairly straightforward birth, but came home shellshocked and absolutely exhausted.
I have wonderful PILs who accepted that we wanted to be on our own for the first two weeks (establishing breastfeeding, getting to bond as a little family unit etc) and only paid an hour's visit. Everything was on our terms and that's how it should be. Or should I say, on MY terms! Recovering from birth can take a while, even from an easy one. I felt sleep deprived, tearful and exhausted. Plus, you are under a care of community midwives who will not leave you alone until they are happy that feeding is going well and that baby got back to the birth weight (this, in my case took almost 2 weeks as I had bf problems).
Your husband sounds like a selfish tit, sorry but does he realise what happens after the birth? I hope he changes his mind. If he doesn't, let hom go alone. And I would seriously reconsider your PILs stay after birth. Sounds like a nightmare!
Do you get on with your MIL? You really don't want anyone to shatter your confidence by 'showing you how it's done'.
Sorry, I don't mean to scare you, the newborn stage is also very special, that's why you should stay at home unless you are dying to go. The practicalities of recovery (bleeding, sore nipples, stitches) should be enough for your husband to change his mind! This is not even taking baby's needs into account.

KatOD · 12/12/2013 06:17

Yanbu. Your oh has no idea of the reality of having a newborn he's being an idiot.

sashh · 12/12/2013 09:19

If birth is fine, no stiches, bf ok etc and you feel up to it could you go by train? I'm assuming you are in the EU as PIL in France.

I also think MIL could be your ally here, she may well tell your dh that no you can't make the journey.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 12/12/2013 09:26

Sceptimum raises a valid point. Ot won't be just you being shatteted. How your OH thinks he'll be driving for so long being sleep deprived himself. I trchead the worst point 4 weeks in as I cpuldn't hack the tiredness anymore. Feeding every 3 hours for an hour then you change your LO, then put tgem to sleep. Thwn you have left and hour duribg which you might want to wee, have a shower once every two days and then there is no time to sleep because your baby is up to feed again. I wanted to kill my mother who was helping!

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 12/12/2013 09:27

Sorry for the typos

Chunderella · 12/12/2013 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PTFO · 12/12/2013 09:49

YADNBU!!!! I think you are being very realistic, your dh.....head in the clouds and not only that, to INSIST you go.....or what?? As its your first I'd let him off but he's in for a shock!

An 8hr + drive on the motorway on near enough no sleep....Im sure your inlaws prefer you stay home in one piece. Maybe your dh can go (fly) on his own?

Id show him this thread.

Tapiocapearl · 12/12/2013 10:06

I would tell your DH and directly inform his family yourself that although its a lovely idea, you can't commit as you have no idea how things will be a few weeks after the birth.

Lambzig · 12/12/2013 10:07

I agree with others that you are definitely NBU.

I would also doubt that you would want your baby to be passed around a crowded party, I know that would have made me so anxious in the early days and probably not the best thing for your baby.

Christelle2207 · 12/12/2013 10:07

I think it will ultimately depend on your birth and the baby (and how well she/he sleeps) bu NO WAY I would have managed that at 4 weeks. DC now 4 months and the furthest we've been is parents 1h away! You need to play it by ear and your dh is very U to think otherwise (though, assuming this is his first, really will have no idea what's coming). The travel will be one thing but the upheaval of being away from home will likely be too much to deal with.

Although there is a birthday to consider I think the best thing to do would be reschedule. If you can fly then the whole thing is less unrealistic. I do know Brits living in Europe who sorted a passport for their newborn within a week, foreign embassies are much quicker at sorting out these things than the passport office in the UK!

Tapiocapearl · 12/12/2013 10:10

Your husband is presently putting his/his mothers/brothers needs above the needs of you and the baby. He need to reevaluate his priorities.

I couldn't have done that trip after any of my 4 babies. I just needed to recover from the birth, get some sleep, bond, struggle to breast feed for hours daily. Even keeping on top of the house was a nightmare despite hubby being proactive.

Tapiocapearl · 12/12/2013 10:13

Your husband needs to read this thread.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 12/12/2013 10:15

Gosh, yes you don't want germy/ snotty people at this time of the year to be passing your baby around or even to be in a crowded room.

BlingBang · 12/12/2013 10:26

We made a 400 mile trip (about 5-6 hours) when our baby was a few weeks old to see family. I so wanted to see our families with the baby but it was quite stressful and I felt guilty at the baby being in his car seat for hours (we cocked up the fitting and I still have guilt attacks). It is doable and depends on so many things. Don't think either of you are necessarily BU but you really don't know yet how you are going to feel.

Original poster

tertle · 12/12/2013 10:35

Again more useful comments although I am now beginning to worry immensely about giving birth in general…!

My husband and I had a much more productive discussion about the party last night. I told him that I had done some ‘research’ and travelling so soon will definitely be unlikely (but not impossible) for various reasons. He now says that he understands this and explained that he was just hoping that I would be more optimistic instead of immediately assuming that there will be a problem to prevent us from going. He feels that as it’s his family organising the party, I am immediately thinking the worst, whereas if it were mine, I would tend to consider the ‘best case scenario’. I have to admit that this is true … But I still don’t feel too bad about this as I am having my ILs to stay when the baby is born which I consider to be very flexible!

I suppose we are both at fault here as he feels he is not getting a fair deal and I feel I am not being listened to.

We have now agreed that we will not commit to going or not and will see what happens when the baby is born. If I feel comfortable with going we will, if I don't (likely) we won't. I will make sure that I tell my MIL this directly when I see her next in a couple of weeks. If she wants to argue, which she probably won't, I will do as others have suggested and ask her if she would consider committing to such a trip when her sons were babies. I actually think that a previous poster may have a good idea when suggesting that MIL could become an ally.

I am quite happy with this situation. As I have already said, my husband is not an idiot etc. just a headstrong individual who is definitely looking at the situation with rose tinted glasses!

OP posts:

mootime · 12/12/2013 10:35

Haven't read everything, but am sure I'm echoing most responses.

All being well it could be possible, but there are a lot of ifs.

I currently have a 3.5 week old. If I really had to we could do the journey (discounting the 22mo and 3.5yo!).

I had an ELCS and would probably be ok in the car, and baby is pretty sleepy so we could probably do 3/4 hour stints of driving. But I'd need at least two 1 hr stops.

However with dc1 there is no way I could have travelled at this point. Also ELCS but slower recovery and baby had terrible reflux resulting in much vomiting and screaming.

You really do just need to wait and see!

FeisMom · 12/12/2013 10:45

I would show your DH this thread - so that he can read it from women who have had newborns. In his mind he probably thinks you'll have a month old baby in a routine, and doesn't understand the realities

BlingBang · 12/12/2013 11:08

That's good Op, hope less to worry about now. My child cried all the time unless he was held, makes for a very stressful car journey, I also had stitches second time round and was very, very painful - a long car journey would have been hell.

You really just need to with and see.

mouldyironingboard · 12/12/2013 11:14

Op, I would not advise taking a newborn baby anywhere crowded. While there will be some natural immunity from you against germs, babies are really quite vulnerable to infections especially if lots of different people kiss or hug them. There would be a high chance of your baby getting a nasty cold or worse during this trip.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/12/2013 11:20

We travelled from Essex to Aberdeen, when ds2 was 5 weeks old, for my friend's wedding, and honestly, we didn't have any real problems at all. I fed him lots on the train, whilst dh entertained ds1 (who wasn't quite 2). And we had a wonderful time at the hen do the night before the wedding (a meal at the bride's house), at the wedding and at the reception.

Please don't rule this out - I am getting the sense that you have already decided it is not going to happen, and I think you may be risking missing out on something that would be fun, and a special family occasion, because you have decided ahead of time that you won't be able to manage this, when you may well be absolutely fine, and manage with no problems at all. In many ways, it is much easier to travel with a very small baby than with a toddler or small child.

stopthecavalry · 12/12/2013 12:59

SDT - to be fair that was your second child you made the journey with. For many of us the first time motherhood is so overwhelming that such a thing would not be enjoyable - just a bucket load of stress to make others happy.

I think the op is taking the right approach. Telling all she will see how she feels at the time. Chances are they will laugh hysterically at the thought of doing a 1000 mile round trip with a newborn for a 30th birthday party or the dh will go on his own.

Aberchips · 12/12/2013 14:53

tertle your husband sounds very similar to mine! He just tends to assume that everything will be do-able & doesn't think it through (even though we now have 2 DC!) We went from UK to Australia when DS1 was only 3 months old & I refused to totally commit to this before he arrived as I just didn't know how I would feel. In the end it was fine (with a few ups & downs - including DS throwing up all over a honeymooning couple next to us just as we landed in Dubai!!) However travelling so far with a very newborn is totally different. I'm glad you've managed to reach a compromise but think your OH might change his mind slightly when your baby arrives !!

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