Travelling with a newborn, AIBU?

[tertle]

Three years ago, for my husband's 30th birthday, his mother organised a family party at their house. Everyone went and it was fine. Next April it's my husband's brother's 30th birthday and therefore MIL is organising another family party.

We have been given the date and it's four weeks after my due date, first baby. Parents in law (and majority of the family) live 500 miles away from us.

PILs mentioned how it will be the perfect opportunity for them us to introduce the baby to the extended family. PILs will have already met the baby as they are planning on coming to stay as soon as it's born, as is brother whose birthday it is.

I mentioned to my husband that this may not be feasible as travelling all that way with such a small baby will be hard work - it's an 8 hour drive without stops. So I presume with feeding stops we are looking at the journey taking around 12 hours. We can't fly as it's unlikely that we will have the baby's passport in time. Most importantly, I explained that I don't know how I will feel and that I may not be up for travelling such a long way. However, I have always maintained that if all is going well and I feel fine, baby is in a routine etc. then we will be able to go but we won't be able to confirm until shortly before the party.

My husband said to me last night that the party is non-negotiable. We HAVE to go. He says I am deliberately being difficult to avoid going as it's being organised by his family and if it were my family, it would be different.

I told him that I think he is being unreasonable to expect me to commit to the party now but he doesn't want to listen. He keeps on repeating 'we will go, and there will be no problem'. I told him he can go on his own but he refuses to go without the baby.

It's stressing me out! AIBU to think that such a trip is rather unfeasible? Does anyone else have any experience of travelling with such a small baby? Or perhaps I am being rather negative as deep down I would prefer not to go (but if all is well I obviously will)...

Do you mean you'd just put the baby in her basket on the back seat? I think you would be VVU to do that, whether or not it's legal.

We were told that the car beds aren't safe and aren't legal some places, and also as I say that some airlines won't take babies till 2 weeks old because the reduced oxygen isn't good for them.

Tertle, I honestly think that you need to clearly say to DH and his family that in an ideal situation you would hope to and love to go, but cannot possibly decide until much closer the time, when the baby is born and you know how you are feeling and healing and how baby is getting on.

Everyone loves new babies and of course can't wait to meet them, and your dh understandably can't wait to show off his new child. But from my own experience, things didn't go how I expected (I expected a natural birth, but ended up with a c section after 3 days of labour which was a more painful and long recovery than I expected), also my dd had lots of problems feeding which affected our bonding and the first month or so was a very difficult time for us, I would definitely NOT have wanted house guests then (please don't let them come to you as house guests soon after the birth!) and really needed the quiet time just me, dh and baby plus some support from my mum.

Every birth and baby is different but it's important to consider worst case scenarios as well as best.

Really hope all goes well for you though:) out of curiosity can I ask which country you're in?x

I think if you do as advised and 'show willing' by making arrangements to go then you will find it harder to change your mind. Being clear from the outset about it not being a good idea would give everyone the chance to accept it and perhaps arrange an alternative visit for when the baby is older. There are numerous reasons why this could be a nightmare and cause you a huge amount of stress and no one should be expecting it of a new mother.

I am not willing to do anything at all which would be unsafe for our baby. We will be getting a pram with a bassinet that can be strapped in (as trilby mentioned, thank you). Friends of ours have them in France (where PILs live) and have done long journeys with them. I would not consider travel without the bassinet being one that you can secure and strap in.

I have always said I would be willing to go, providing I feel fine and comfortable with it at the time, but I am not really happy to book flights as it's very unrealistic that we will have the right travel docs.

Yanbu - your partner is!!
At 3-4 weeks my stitches were still uncomfortable, still wearing maternity bricks, my nipples in shreds (tmi) had not slept for longer than 2hrs! And hormones were everywhere!
I certainly would not put a tiny newborn through an 8hr journey in a car seat.
The first 6 weeks are the hardest tell your partner when he can carry and push a baby out his penis then he can tell you what you can and can't do!
U cannot plan anything with a newborn especially one that's not even here yet!
Put your foot down you and your baby's health and wellbeing should be the most important thing in his life, he doesn't realise yet but when that baby comes he will!

Personally, I think it's easier to travel with a very young baby than an older baby...they're much more portable! But I agree so much will depend on how you feel at the time, whether you were early or late, how your delivery was etc etc. You mentioned that your husband is annoyed because he thinks that if it was your family's party you would be more willing to go....hand on heart, is that true? Perhaps that's why he's being so dogmatic about it?? If I was you I'd be vaguely positive but non-committal at this stage and just see how things go. You never know, once his precious firstborn is actually here he may feel differently about things, too.

I cannot believe that anyone would expect you to travel 500 miles with a new born baby. You haven't even had it yet! Who knows what your labour will be like. And forget due dates with first babies! You may well be a week over that.

If they were at all concerned about your extended family meeting your child they would not expect its parents to drive 500 miles to show it off. It's not a toy. Or a dog. It's a human being. And it will be a few weeks old. Are you breastfeeding? If so, that'll be whenever the baby wants it. So unless you intend to drive with it stuck to your nipple you will have to stop. And feeding a baby can take a long time. The journey there and back may take ages.

You are all mad to even consider it. I am not even going to mention stitches, jaundice, inability to latch on, mastitis, sore nipples, tiredness, tiredness, tiredness, tiredness. Disturbed sleep and needing to be alert to drive.

You are meeting your PIL and the birthday brother. Surely that's enough.

I don't mean to denigrate these people but they all seem senseless and selfish. All so they can look at the child for half and hour and then forget about it so they can concentrate on the party.

Let your other half go. Stay at home and rest.

And what about the baby? Has anyone thought about whether it's safe to drive it all that way, possibly in bad weather (if in UK), or if it's KIND.

Your husband is being stupidly naive.

My baby was 2 weeks late, a complicated c-section. At 3weeks past her due date I was back in hospital with my scar etc all infected, at 4 weeks after her due date, I was back home, on 10types of drugs with daily visits from midwifes to check me out.

Yes you see women walking about, getting on with life a few days after birth, but lots are at home recovering.

And don't get me started on the emotional horror when people hand back your baby & it smells of another woman's perfume. Yuck.

I think it's a crazy plan. My DS was still feeding for half the day at that age and I wouldn't have been comfortable sitting for that long. I wouldn't do it at all, but if I had to I would go by train, first class. You can feed as much as you want and get up and walk around.

If it's that non-negotiable that you go to this party and bring your newborn baby along, why can't your PIL and BIL be more flexible and have his birthday part a bit later?

I'm due late May and it's my DM's 60th on August, it involves an international flight so 8 weeks is just too soon in my book - she's agreed to move her party backwards into early autumn so that we can come.

Some compromise should be required from both sides, really!

I think your husband has no idea what is involved in having a baby, or, if he does, he is cruel and doesn't care much about you.

You might feel wonderful and be able to go. Great. But to insist that this is non-negotiable? Really? So if you have a bad tear and are in a lot of pain from the stitches and bleeding heavily and the baby is feeding every hour round the clock and you are so tired you can barely function and your nipples are cracked and bleeding, will he still insist you go regardless? If so, he is a twat and your problems are bigger than this party. If he is a normal loving husband then I suggest you show him this thread so that he has some idea of how you MIGHT be feeling so that he can understand how you can't commit right now.

AND, you are both about to be parents -your ONLY priority should be the BABY.

YANBU. Everyone else seems bonkers, ignorant and utterly selfish. And will there be smoking? People smoking outside even will bring in particles on their clothes.

I just wouldn't even consider it. Do you know in some societies the women doesn't even get out of bed for a month?

I flew when my first child was two weeks old, did a very long car journey when number 2 was a similar age, and did lots of other trips when they were tiny. I did have uncomplicated births and an easy time breast feeding.

I wanted to do this, and it suited our life. It helped that we also co-slept, carried babies all the time, and had no schedule. The babies were very, very happy.

For me, it was important to be out and about, and not to be stuck with any sort of routine when the children were so small. I wasn't worried about the travel, and it meant that our family could be together (my husband was travelling a lot for work).

It's not advisable to have such a young baby laying flat for 8 hours! Bad for the back, neck and head!

Four weeks after my due date I had a two week old baby under special care because of feeding problems, a catheter that leaked all over the bed every night, and I couldn't walk.

My experience was not the norm and chances are everything will be fine, but your dh needs to wise up to the realities of childbirth and newborns!

Sorry, legal or not in Europe, think about being in a car crash. Bassinet simply won't protect your newborn from the crash force. The baby might remain strapped in but can still be crushed. Seriously

I wouldn't go and I think your husband sounds like a pig.

Agree with PP, please please look into the legality and safety of so-called "car beds".

Four weeks after my due date I was just out of hospital, with a week old baby, trying to feed but having to pump, sore, bleeding and miserable.

DD has flown about 20 times at 3yo and the first time we did was 3 months old with DH left at home so I am no wimp. Not a hope in hell we could have gone anywhere at that point after my due date.

If it helps shortly before my son was born my parents said that they would be happy to have him for a long weekend so that DH & I could have a break away. DH immediately started looking up flights and hotel deal to Spain even though I was about the idea of leaving the baby to go abroad. At the time DH thought I was being ridiculous and was adamant we should go abroad.

Needless to say when ds was 6 months and ready for his weekend at grandma's DH booked a hotel less an hour away and was rather about his original plans.

Chances are your DH will realise soon enough once baby is here that it's not as cut and dried as he thinks.

Don't commit to anything. Once the baby is here you can review the situation. I think the most likely outcomes are either that your DH travels on his own or your DBIL moves the date of his party later so that you can make it.

Surely bassinets like this are just as safe a normal carseat if fitted correctly and with the handle in the upright position.

You might be totally fine to go, but at 4 weeks post partum there was no way I could have travelled that far, for a multitude of reasons - I actually think that 4 extra hours for feeding breaks is conservative. You can't leave a baby sitting in a pooey nappy and some babies poo 12 times a day! At 4 weeks it was a constant cycle of change, feed, sleep without much break and when I say change I'm talking full outfits as well. I would have been in no physical condition to travel, was still bleeding and dealing with an infection and aneamia. Can you suggest DH goes alone and you could organise someone to stay overnight to help you while he's away?
Giving your DH the benefit of the doubt if he's a first time dad then he has no idea of what life is like with a newborn, but he needs to step up and start putting your comfort first.