Travelling with a newborn, AIBU?

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Three years ago, for my husband's 30th birthday, his mother organised a family party at their house. Everyone went and it was fine. Next April it's my husband's brother's 30th birthday and therefore MIL is organising another family party.

We have been given the date and it's four weeks after my due date, first baby. Parents in law (and majority of the family) live 500 miles away from us.

PILs mentioned how it will be the perfect opportunity for them us to introduce the baby to the extended family. PILs will have already met the baby as they are planning on coming to stay as soon as it's born, as is brother whose birthday it is.

I mentioned to my husband that this may not be feasible as travelling all that way with such a small baby will be hard work - it's an 8 hour drive without stops. So I presume with feeding stops we are looking at the journey taking around 12 hours. We can't fly as it's unlikely that we will have the baby's passport in time. Most importantly, I explained that I don't know how I will feel and that I may not be up for travelling such a long way. However, I have always maintained that if all is going well and I feel fine, baby is in a routine etc. then we will be able to go but we won't be able to confirm until shortly before the party.

My husband said to me last night that the party is non-negotiable. We HAVE to go. He says I am deliberately being difficult to avoid going as it's being organised by his family and if it were my family, it would be different.

I told him that I think he is being unreasonable to expect me to commit to the party now but he doesn't want to listen. He keeps on repeating 'we will go, and there will be no problem'. I told him he can go on his own but he refuses to go without the baby.

It's stressing me out! AIBU to think that such a trip is rather unfeasible? Does anyone else have any experience of travelling with such a small baby? Or perhaps I am being rather negative as deep down I would prefer not to go (but if all is well I obviously will)...

theres no way I could have considered such a trip, I think i too would have imagined it possible before I had my baby(now 10 weeks) but once he arrived wouldnt have been able to consider it (or even have time to consider it!). I bled heavily for 6 weeks, he was back in to hospital twice for a week at a time, and I certainly never slept for more than 2 hours at a time. So even if id made it to such a party would not have been much fun but extremely ratty and wanting to hide away from it all and desperatly sleep any time the baby slept. At 4 weeks I was also extremely protective and couldnt bear him to be out in public - when people come touching him and coughing on him its really stressful! I was desperate for him to get some vaccinations in him!

I flew 5 hours with a 6 week old for a family birthday and it was a breeze. HOWEVER it was my 3rd baby and having had 2 easy births and recoveries I figured the odds were in my favour that it would be fine but I would never have done it with my first and would have been reluctant with my 2nd so you are being fair enough.

Which have this to say about carrycot style carseats:
"We haven't found many carrycots and lie-flat child car seats that protect children adequately in our crash tests. For this reason, we don't generally recommend them.

If you already own one, we suggest you buy an alternative Group 0+ child safety seat for use in the car."

www.which.co.uk/baby-and-child/baby-transport/guides/choosing-a-child-car-seat/the-best-child-car-seats-for-babies/

It's not impossible to fly internationally with the newborn. I took my DC at nearly 3 weeks (DC2) and 4 weeks (DC1) on a 8/9 hour flight to the US, and had to get two lots of passports each organised beforehand, at Christmas time. I wanted to do it and we had to commit to buying the airfare before the DC were born.

You just have to be very organised beforehand, have all the forms filled out, work out if you can get appointments for passports in advance or wait for the birth (if you have to wait, it is your DH's job as soon as the baby is born!), etc. I did have complications with both births (dislocated coccyx so couldn't sit with DC1, lot of blood loss with DC2), but we managed. In a lot of ways, it wasn't that difficult – they are very portable at that age!

But if you don't want to do it, YANBU. Nothing wrong with not being happy to commit to it, especially as you could drive or buy last minute flights if they aren't too expensive.

If you do decide to fly, see if you can get travel insurance that would let you get a refund on your flights if you have complications and can't fly. Don't know how expensive it would be, but worth looking into!

You can travel with babies, I would fly if I were you.

We applied for passports when the DT's were 3 days old, got them when they were 3 weeks old, flew to another country when they were 3.5 weeks old. This was after a c-section. It was surprisingly easy as like someone upthread said they don't have a routine at that age.

I would do a wait and see job-I wouldnt have been fit to 4 weeks after my emc. I couldn't sit in an upright position for that amount of time because it was way to painful
Yanbu

Thanks all again for more useful comments and info.

I now definitely don't feel bad at all about telling my husband (who is not horrible at all, just naïve and stubborn) that we can't commit.

Agree that flying would be the best option but we are not in our home countries so registering the birth with the local consulates and applying for a passport can take longer. But you never know.

So, I will just follow advice and be very non committal about the whole affair and we will cross this bridge when we come to it. I am sure that once I have gone through giving birth, my husband will be more inclined to see things from my point of view.

Another important consideration is if BF doesn't work out & OP is FF.

A 500 mile journey or flight with a FF baby would be challenging, to say the least. The only way it could be done is to use a Milton bucket & ready-made formula, plus washing up liquid to wash bottles at service stations/hotel rooms. Not fun.

YANBU!!! I think he is in denial. He will see once baby is there that its a crazy idea. I would think BIL will understand even if MIL doesn't?

Well I flew 4500 miles with a 5 week old baby BUT he was my 3rd and I had a very easy delivery and recovery.
I think it's impossible to say at this time whether you will be up for that length of journey. Babies often sleep for long periods in cars but some also hate it and cry a lot. You may be fine or you may be sore or recovering from a section.
I wouldn't say yes at this point nor would I completely count out going. Your husband is being a bit unrealistic and may well change his mind about going once the baby is here and reality sinks in!

Don't stress about it just say we will see when the baby arrives.

Your husband is obviously excited at the prospect of showing off his newborn baby which is lovely. I don't think he's really being a prick, I think he is just being naive and perhaps overly optimistic!

I winced as I read this post. Wrong for so many reasons. Sitting on your poor bits for this long would be horrible. The baby will have no head control and sit slumped for hours which is obviously bad from a sids point of view. What if the baby is cluster feeding that day!? There would be no settling and you would have hours of ear piercing hunger cries. Wrong for so many reasons. Show him this thread so he can see he is being a tad unreasonable and ill informed to think this could work.

When my dd was 4 weeks old she screamed unless held, even in the car. We drove a two hour journey when she was six weeks old and it was a nightmare. Really horrible. Stick to your guns. I am sure your dh doesn't want to upset his family, but he needs to put you first. Plus, at the party people are going to want to hold the baby. It might be a bit overwhelming for you to see your tiny baby passed from person to person. Good luck.

I wouldn't even have gave it any thought, to be honest.

I took my 3 week old to see my partners parents and that was an hour and a half drive away. It wasn't too bad because it was short and she slept the whole journey but anything longer than that I wouldn't have been willing to do.

I had a c section and although it wasn't agonising in any stretch of the imagination then, it was still very tender and I was still intimittently bleeding so changing huge sanitary towels every 2 hours would be really faffy. I also was on medication due to PE so if you had to take medication (every 4 hours) this would be a pain too.

If you were late having your baby or they kept you in for a while if you had a tear/c section/baby wasn't gaining weight that would be another avenue to consider.

Don't get me wrong if you feel you can do it go for it, but I really would look at all the possibilities. I don't mean to put a downer on anything, but you have to think of both positives and negatives.

If it's really important to your H and you can't go and he still acts like a turd when the baby comes simply tell him he's going or neither of you are going. I know he's bound to want to see his brother on his birthday but it doesn't mean uprooting you both if you aren't feeling too well or it's really impractical for a number of reasons. If he cares about you and the baby he will accept that it's not going to work. After all showing off a baby who isn't well or whose mother is uncomfortable wouldn't fill him with the greatest amount of joy, would it?

Also consider whether you are breastfeeding or formula feeding. It's a nightmare to ff in a moving vehicle as you have to sterilise, get a carton or powder, put it into the bottle and heat it up with a travel heater. Not impossible, but a PITA I know from personal experience.

Is there any possibility if you can't go that your parents or a family member could stay with you if your partner goes?

I hope you all reach a decision that is right for you all when the baby comes along.

It sounds unlikely to be doable, even less likely to be enjoyable.

At 4 weeks after my due date I had a 3 week old baby who fed every hour or so in the day, so an 8 hour car journey would probably have taken 16 hours. Actually at 3 weeks we were still having follow up hospital appointments due to some birth issues. I was also still bleeding and stitches meant I wouldn't have been happy to sit in a car for any length of time. And I hadn't slept for more than 3 hours at a time for weeks.

I went to my MILs 50th birthday party 10 days after my DS was born, just as PND hit. I was so anxious my DM said I looked like a cornered animal every time anyone spoke to me. By 4 wks post-delivery I was so crippled by PND I couldn't leave the house alone and had panic attacks multiple times per day.
I'm really not trying to scare you, just trying to point out you never know what is going to happen after you have a baby, I couldn't have planned for any of that and you have to just see how you feel.
Also your DH (unintentionally I hope) is being a dick.

No chance and I have 3. Your DH hasn't a clue, he will understand more when the baby arrives.

Echoing the experience of others on this thread. DD was 16 days late and I had a horrible induction, followed by a nasty tear and stitches, wasn't discharged for 6 days and hadn't slept for 80 hours by the time I left hospital. Establishing breastfeeding was agony for the first few weeks, I got an infection (and a chest infection - the coughing ruptured my stitches) and could barely walk for two months after birth - I went nowhere for weeks apart from the GP to have my stitches monitored and there would have been zero chance of me sitting in a car.

Obviously some people do have a much easier time and a quick recovery - my sister was shopping in Tesco the next day! But plenty - the majority of new mums I know - would not have been up to this kind of trip.

Plus the actual practicalities of driving with a newborn in the car are pretty unreliable. OK if baby sleeps in car and will tolerate rest stops in a service station without too much fuss. My DD absolutely hated sleeping even as a newborn and seemed to need much less than other babies - she once was resolutely awake for 11 hours at a few weeks old no matter what we did! She is now nearly a year and I still can count the times I've slept for longer than 3hrs on the fingers of one hand. And a baby screaming in a car is incredibly stressful for the driver, as well as dangerous, so what if you found you were having to stop much more and for longer than you thought? Plus you may be too sleep-deprived to drive safely, and your DH may well be too. It is no picnic trying to drive on a motorway with a screaming baby getting more and more distressed in the back, not being able to pull off easily and you can't take baby out of restraints to feed or comfort. That is not at all nice or safe.

Babies are often quite sleepy for 2-3 weeks after birth and around 3 weeks they "wake up" and may have periods of evening colic or nighttime crying. You both may find the last thing you can do at 4 weeks is go anywhere.

Sounds awful I know this thread, but that is the reality of a newborn (I was pretty shocked too!) No-one really likes to tell you what it's like beforehand!

We travelled 4 hours with our less than a week old baby for a family emergency and then again at 5 weeks for a wedding. I had an ELCS, but was very lucky and bounced back v quickly. I wouldn't recommend the first trip to anyone but the second was fine, luckily.

Don't rule it out but be realistic that there might be a problem.

I really feel for you on this. Men in my experience, find it hard to see anyone else's views but he really needs to put you and the baby first above his family - and his own needs.
My first baby was such a shock to the system I would not have gone anywhere for the first few months and I was like a zombie while I fed him all day and night.
The in laws and dh are going to have to accept it and you should stand up for yourself!
Tell them that babies shouldn't even be in car seats for more than two hours at a time - it's dangerous for their back and chin to chest position.
I've been in the same situation - I had to visit il's with a four week old and absolutely loathed having to go away while I was trying to bond with her and take it easy
Hopefully nearer the time dh will realise how selfish he's being

Four weeks post partum with DS (easy birth) I was having to feed him via a syringe and it took 1.5hrs per feed... by which time he was usually ready for another. He didn't sleep at night, and I was bleeding heavily. He also developed eczema so I was having to slather him in emollient creams every hour or so.

Four weeks post partum with DD (easy birth) she was feeding every hour or so, screamed her head off in the car or in her pram (would only calm down in my arms) and only slept for around 20 mins a time during the day and 45 mins at night. In between times she mostly screamed. It was very stressful.

I do hope your baby will be easier, but honestly, having your first is like being hit by a train regardless - you need time and space, not epic car journeys that would be taxing for most adults, let alone newborns.

I'm with you mainly. You could be two weeks over, meaning if you're to be induced at T+14 that may take a few days then recovery, getting breastfeeding established etc. Home etc. It could be less than two weeks from the party. Your husband is being an arse, it should be 'see how it goes'

On the other hand you may feel like getting out and wanting to show your baby off. I did a 2.5hr journey on my own with a newborn and 2 other kids to show my Dad who was too infirm to travel his new granddaughter. I think this was about 4/5 weeks post section.

I think what would piss me off royally here more than anything is his total attitude of 'you are doing it' without seeing the bigger picture. That alone would make me want to not go.

So YANBU.

Oh I'm with the poster who said about routine too - forget that for a long time! Newborns don't do routines.

Your husband is BU. Bigtime. Apart from the issue of driving 8 hours while dangerously sleep-deprived and the amount of time a baby should spend in a car seat there's also that, post-c-section or any major surgery, your insurance may not cover you to drive so you can't share. I couldn't drive for 6 weeks after mine - I felt fine at 2 weeks but the insurance insisted on 6 and a doctor's note. Do check with yours just in case.

If I were you I would insist on catching a flight and tell your husband that sorting the passport/details is entirely up to him and get refundable/flexible fares because there is a good chance you will need them.

That said, I had a brilliant c-section experience (they do happen) and was feeling pretty normal after 2 weeks so if you go early and if you get lucky and if you have no feeding issues you might manage it but that's a lot of ifs in there.

When my first baby was born it was a week before Christmas. We took her at 6 days old to ILs 3 and a half hours away for Christmas.

They still talk fondly of how lovely it was for them and how lovely it must have been for me to have a relaxing break . I have never told them how utterly horrible the whole experience was for me. I would never, ever do it again.

At 3 weeks we took her to a family party (ILs again) 2 hours away. I have no idea why I agreed to it! She slept through the very loud party, passed from pillar to post, I had to make small talk though almost delirious with tiredness. She then screamed all night in someone elses house. Would never do that again either.

I was overambitious and I wanted to please. It was not the right thing for me or DD. DH and ILs would have got over it. Yours will too! I can't imagine a 12 hour trip with a 4 week old.