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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be so upset with dds friend, and never allow her in the house again

167 replies

LucyLasticKnickers · 10/12/2013 10:20

or to have a word with her mother.

dd had a birthday party sleepover, she was 16.
she had four friends round.
it was fine, a few grumbles. me and dh did a big tidy in preparation.

apart from the shower curtain, that isnt very pleasant but tbh i did not expect anyone to have a shower in the morning.

anyone one friend - reminds me of a girl i went to college with - insufferable snob. but they all like her. had a shower, i dont know if that was it, but apparently on the way home she told anotehr friend she needed another shower to get over being at our house!
Sad
dd has only just plucked up the courage to tell me, nearly 6 months after the event.
these 4 friends are apparently anglying for anotehr invite.

tell me she is only 16 and I should get over it but I am so upset.

OP posts:
thebody · 10/12/2013 15:22

Admiral and miniFingers well said.

thebody · 10/12/2013 15:25

Idespair I am guessing you have a 5 year old and maybe never had a teen sleepover?

you never ever tidy before a sleepover bar the toilet.

complete waste of time.

Cerisier · 10/12/2013 15:44

I do tidy before a teen sleepover so that the dining table is clear of junk, round the front door isn't an obstacle course and my clean washing isn't anywhere the teens are likely to out their bags, shoes or food. I do make sure the kitchen and bathrooms are clean too. I am always conscious that parents might come in when they do a drop off or pick up, so I want to make a reasonable impression.

Oblomov · 10/12/2013 16:18

Bathroom and kitchen hygiene are 2 of my 'things'. I have been to a couple of peoples houses that made me wince a tiny bit. But I would never say anything.
BUT, OP, do you not think that if it wasn't your shower curtain, it would be something else. 16 yr old girls can be very un-wordly-wise, critical and unintentionally a bit nasty.
They might have criticised your scabby ???, or the fact you only had Weetabix as a cereal, instead of 3 choices, or there would have been SOMETHING, surely.
Apart from the fact that they should all be totally grateful for even being invite to a sleep over - that seems to matter not a jot, so it seems !! Hmm

THECliffRichardSucksEggsinHell · 10/12/2013 16:25

Look, she's a teenage girl.
Sorry but teenage girls sometimes have a thing about showering all the time. dd doesn't but she's the exception, my teenage nieces shower every single day and that's the norm.

I haven't see your shower curtain LucyLastic so can't judge whether it really is minging or not. For all we know, it might be covered in green algae and tropical insects Wink BUT equally this girl might be referring to something else.

She's obviously got very houseproud parents and you didn't live up to her high standards. So what. She made that snide comment to another friend, not to you or your dd, so if you say anything then you run the risk of the snitcher getting into trouble and ruining a few friendships.

Just take it on the chin.

If these girls want to come back for a sleepover then your house can't be that bad can it?

She's 16, just a kid. Why embarrass her and cause fractions in the friendship? Be the grown up here and just let it go over your head. Tell your dd to do the same.

And if your shower curtain does look like it belongs in the jungle, add it to your Christmas list Smile

TheSmallClanger · 10/12/2013 16:32

It isn't as if she said it to your face. It's a second-hand story that may be the result of stirring.

I would take this as juvenile whinging and try to ignore.

kerala · 10/12/2013 16:55

We house swap had done 10 all with great feedback - some families wanting to swap again they liked house so much. Then we had one family of Italians who put in an official complaint! Too many books, windows didn't all open, clutter. Their house was utterly minimalist literally nothing in it. Our house

kerala · 10/12/2013 17:00

Oops is old and has character theirs new and utterly bleak. Must admit I was knocked for 6 in our group of friends we are seen as the ones with a great house! Anyway say this to point out people are very subjective what one person sees as beauty and character another thinks is dreadful. I guess this family would have ripped out our original sash windows and replaced with plastic yes work better but more lost than gained in my opinion

cjel · 10/12/2013 17:25

I'd say that it is lovely to have sleepover,we run an open house policy!! we even had a nephew use our house for his once and now have grandchildren doing the same!! We always tidy hoover and spotless loos and kitchen even if they are teenagers. I always want is nice when they arrive and then they can do what they want. Had bouncy castle in the rain once so put little ones (about 3-11 yrs old) in showers to warm up and then they thought it was a game!! about 6 of them then spent the next couple of hours showering and the going to the garden again to get cold and muddy. !! Took 4 of us a couple of days to get house back, but it was worth it for the fun!!

HowlingTrap · 10/12/2013 17:37

Children, whilst a 16 year old should have manners, kids say stupid tactless things.

I can't remember this, but apparently when I was 6 years old, whilst at a mates house I asked her quite obese mother why she was fat, :O :O :O
I'm mortified, #
This woman never mentioned it to my mum, but told all the other mums and turned them all against me for years etc, her daughter bullied me throughout primary and secondary etc, don't stoop.
I didn't find out the reason till I was 16.

defineme · 10/12/2013 17:39

I had a 6 yrold tell me her mum would be cross with her for sitting in a car seat as dirty as mine .. to be honest with you the booster seat did have a bit of a stained cover-I have a clean house, but I don't really look at the car.
I did go over with my kids why it's rude to point that sort of thing out and I did feel a bit upset, but I did wash the cover!
I think I was prone to exaggeration when I was 16 and so I wouldn't worry about it.
They clearly had a lovely time if they want to come back.

RedLondonBus · 10/12/2013 17:46

thebody ironic you slam posters for being judgy.... Yet there you go assuming teens don't like to shower in the morning/eat crap at sleepovers Hmm and that a persons house needs cleaning once teens have left!??

I'm also a mum to teens. It's always been normal for some of them to shower in the morning and not to slob around in onesies!!

HavantGuard · 10/12/2013 17:56

Surely the absolute basic standard of cleaning if you have people staying over is clean bedlinen, clean towels, clean bathroom. Shower curtains don't get manky overnight. Lots of them go in the washing machine and can then be rehung to dry.

fairisleknitter · 10/12/2013 18:11

I think sleepovers are a bit different, the kids being together is the experience and the showering can happen at home, 5 minutes down the road. At our sleepovers we don't do bedlinen, they bring their own sleeping bags and pillows. It's like indoor camping tbh, with a nice breakfast.

HavantGuard · 10/12/2013 18:16

I have been a teenage girl Grin. Obviously if they bring sleeping bags you don't need bedlinen.

Some of them would be wetting and redrying bits of their hair even if they don't shower. Some of them might Shock want a shower. Even if they don't, why would you have something manky in the bathroom where they are going to be?

fairisleknitter · 10/12/2013 18:20

It was the use of "absolute basic standard...clean bedlinen" that threw me there.

fluffiphlox · 10/12/2013 18:21

Everybody's house has its own smell. If I go to my PIL or SIL house I wear old clothes because the smell clings. Maybe that's why she felt she needed another shower. In my relations' cases the whiff is due to animal, piles of stuff everywhere, unopen windows and general lack of cleaning routines. Kitchens and bathrooms need to be spotless, the rest of the house not quite so much. Little and often is the key. Also, get your 16 year old to go round and dust and vac.

Ikea do quite nice shower curtains for next to nothing. (Also bedding and towels, cheap and cheerful for teenagers).

KatieScarlett2833 · 10/12/2013 18:27

I make the teens clean before they leave. It's the least they can do for disturbing my sleep with their cackling and screeeeeching.

ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey · 10/12/2013 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Plomino · 10/12/2013 19:01

Without wishing to defend this girl if what she allegedly said is true , how sure are you even that it IS true ?

I broke down on an isolated Norfolk country lane , in the middle of winter about 6 years ago , with a 6 month old in the car . Called the RAC , but they were busy and were going to take hours.DH at work in London , so I was on my own . So there we were sat , waiting to be rescued , when the woman from the one house on the lane comes out and asks if we want to come in and have a cup of tea . I bit her hand off , and we duly go in to find ourselves in what is obviously a house full of kids, clutter , and a slightly unconventional lifestyle . There were about 8 kids , all homeschooled and all immaculately well behaved , in fact they all took turns amusing DS , and the woman insisted on feeding us before the rescue truck arrived . They were great . They were also the family of the local evangelical church's pastor , as I found out when they invited us to a family day , but each to their own . I mentioned breaking down to a couple of school mums , but thought nothing of it .

3 days later , one of the older DS's friends was telling my DS on the school bus , that I had pronounced them 'rough' and slagged them off all over town . Which I know quite categorically isn't the case , because it simply isn't something I would do , because you never know who knows who where I live . So it may be that this 'friend ' could be talking bollocks in the first place .

DS has friends round occasionally . It's his responsibility to clean his room , the nearest bathroom , and the upstairs landing to a respectable standard , although to be honest it's usually fairly passable unless I've done 3 weeks of nights . I make a deal , if he cleans , I don't mind cooking something . That way it usually guarantees some food being left in the fridge and cupboards for the following day as I'm sure they're actually locusts in disguise . Win win .

Helpmestaysane · 10/12/2013 19:07

I think you are over reacting and blaming the girl... If it wasn't true you wouldn't be worried about it.
Clean the shower curtain and don't call her a snob, she's just a young girl, their house might be incredibly clean and tidy.... So can yours be if you want it to be, it's a choice.

My shower curtain gets mouldy within about a month....am off to wash it its disgusting!!!!!!!

Killinascullion · 10/12/2013 19:42

My dad was a dreadful hoarder who used to take apart car engines etc on the table in the dining room. It wasn't really a dining room in those days but known as 'the back room' and had no floor covering or wallpaper. No-one went in there apart from dad and we lived in one room mostly. (This was the 80's so not that long ago.)

My poor mum never invited family to stay or allowed me to have friends to visit as she was so ashamed of the state of the whole house & garden.

After dad died, she cleared out all his crap, re-decorated, bought new furniture and had the garden cleared. She finally had a house she was able to enjoy and she was obviously much happier.

Mum was naturally a very clean and tidy person and I feel desperately sad that she lived in such squalor for as long as she did, but whilst dad was alive, she was powerless to change things.

To all those posters telling the OP to clean up the place and clear some of DH's stuff out, it might not be a realistic option for her until her DH changes his habits.

YouTheCat · 10/12/2013 19:42

I'd expect a 5 year old to have better manners.

OP, my house is a mess of stuff and dust. But dd's friends always say it feels really cosy.

Get a new shower curtain. Let your dd have a sleepover if she wants one. Tell your mother to bugger off about Christmas. And, finally, tell your dh to sort out his crap or you'll be getting a skip on January 2nd and chucking the lot in it.

MadeOfStarDust · 10/12/2013 20:08

there is messy and there is dirty...

my dd comes home from most sleepovers just hyper about the friends, the stuff, the sweets, the games , the music etc.....

one she came home from saying she will not sleep there again as it was dirty. she even came home without brushing her teeth because the sink was foul .... and my DD is not that fussy to be honest...

So I think the girl must have been "playing to the crowd", as if it was that bad she would not have taken a shower at yours anyhow...

oldgrandmama · 10/12/2013 20:17

Years ago (talking 1970s here) my home seemed to be the unofficial play centre for the neighbourhood ...after school, son and daughter would come home with half a dozen or so schoolmates, to play in the house and garden. Whoever was around at teatime, stayed for tea (yes, parents were that relaxed those days, not anguishing where their kids had got to after school). But one day, a mother phoned me us and told me curtly that her son had complained that the baked beans on toast I'd provided as an impromptu tea for any kids around at teatime were COLD! That I was speechless doesn't do it justice! Yes, I should have banned her bloody child from ever darkening my doors again, but of course I didn't.

I think, reading OP's post and subsequent thread, that perhaps OP's underlying concern is her husband's hoarding. I know ALL about that - my father was a junk antique dealer and our entire, five floor house was absolutely crammed with 'stock', boxes and boxes of it and some freestanding. The flights of stairs had about six inches of tread visible, with boxes, crap, each side and all the bedrooms of us kids were piled high with more boxes - and if one of us should be away, we'd return to find our bloody BED covered in more boxes.

Father just bought and bought but hated selling anything - think hoarding crossed with paranoia, in case someone might actually BUY something for, say, a tenner, and then sell it for eleven quid ... the thought that buyer had MADE A QUID drove my father crazy. So he sold practically nothing but kept buying. He and my mother were also chronic depressives. Happy days ...!

Our house's condition was so 'eccentric' it became, weirdly, almost a 'must visit' for my schoolmates, which was lucky for me, as I could so easily have become the class pariah. As it was, they angled for an invitation to the house, just to marvel at the state of it.

Mind you, I'm still marvelling at the sang froid of the girls who were there on the occasion of my fifteenth birthday party (my poor mother did try to make an effort at parties - her speciality was prawn vol-au-vents and wallnut cake). My father, in one of his massive sulks where he didn't speak to any of us for, usually, a fortnight, but took to his bed with tactical 'flu', suddenly appeared on the stairs, clad in his woollen long-johns, carrying a chamberpot full of urine! In as dignified a stalk as any man could manage in yellowing woollen longjohns bearing a pot of piss, he silently plodded past my friends and into the bathroom!

My schoolmates never referred to this afterwards, bless them - but it makes a slightly manky shower curtain seem pretty insignificant. But I'm trying to say that I do sympathise with OP about her husband's hoarding - it's so difficult and trying to get them to sort it a huge struggle. My mother never managed it and eventually divorced the old man. When he died, his house was still crammed from attic to cellar with junk, sorry, antiques.