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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so upset with dds friend, and never allow her in the house again

167 replies

LucyLasticKnickers · 10/12/2013 10:20

or to have a word with her mother.

dd had a birthday party sleepover, she was 16.
she had four friends round.
it was fine, a few grumbles. me and dh did a big tidy in preparation.

apart from the shower curtain, that isnt very pleasant but tbh i did not expect anyone to have a shower in the morning.

anyone one friend - reminds me of a girl i went to college with - insufferable snob. but they all like her. had a shower, i dont know if that was it, but apparently on the way home she told anotehr friend she needed another shower to get over being at our house!
Sad
dd has only just plucked up the courage to tell me, nearly 6 months after the event.
these 4 friends are apparently anglying for anotehr invite.

tell me she is only 16 and I should get over it but I am so upset.

OP posts:
quirrelquarrel · 10/12/2013 10:50

I think you do need to get over it. It's a more innocuous comment than you seem to think it is, just a throwaway comment she probably said to be witty. People who want to make others laugh seize on what's available even if they have to exaggerate a bit (and usually there's nothing wrong with that, it's caricature really). She's 16 and shouldn't have said it but really you're just doing yourself a big disservice by taking it to heart.

BalloonSlayer · 10/12/2013 10:50

Maybe just me but I'd be tempted to invite all the others and not her and say, if asked, "Well she/you told everyone our house was dirty last time so obviously she/you won't be coming again."

quirrelquarrel · 10/12/2013 10:50

What I mean to say is don't feel wounded because it's more about her than you.

Yellowcake · 10/12/2013 10:51

Oh, Lucy, you sound a bit overwhelmed by things and not happy with having visitors. Don't feel attacked by this thread. I think people are basically sympathetic. It sounds as if you could do with asserting a but more control over your surroundings, whether that is having a say in who visits, getting your DH to control his hoarding tendencies, and having your DD help with cleaning if she wants friends to visit.

I don't think I own a single item of new furniture apart from the beds either, but I'm unapologetic about our mismatched 'vintage' interior and four million books! It was a normal aesthetic where we used to live in North London, but in our current midlands village, the prevailing rule is white minimalism so we look pretty odd with our multicoloured hand painted kitchen chairs, probably. Fuck 'em.

GideonKipper · 10/12/2013 10:51

What a shame you're feeling like this OP.

I do understand how you feel. One of dd's friends was dropped off at short notice this morning to walk to school with us and I was a bit embarrassed because the house was a tip, mainly things to do with the dog tbh. Thankfully the mum didn't come in and the friend won't notice much because she's only nine, and is a lovely girl, but still...

Anyway, if money's tight there's not much you can about the furniture at the mo. I'm just going to focus on keeping the place tidy and hoovering all the bloody dog hair he sheds by the barrowload.

You can definitely do something about Christmas though - how cheeky for your mother to invite loads of extra people. You'll have to be honest and say you've neither the space or the money to go along with that so alternative arrangements will have to be made.

MrsSquirrel · 10/12/2013 10:51

My dd often has friends sleep over, but they never shower here. 4 teenager showers? They would be here until tea time.

OP stop worrying about this girl. She is your dd's friend, not yours. If dd wants to have her over again, that's up to her. Apart from a friendly hello, I prefer stay out of the way of the girls when they are having a sleepover.

Also, at 16 dd is more than old enough to clean the bathroom, if she thinks it needs cleaning.

Binkyridesagain · 10/12/2013 10:52

I would have a very tidy house if it wasn't for the teenagers, If they are embarrassed at the state the house is in then they can bloody well shift there stuff. Getting them to pick up after themselves is a work in progress and until it is fully mastered then any visitors can accept my home for the condition it is in or don't bother coming round.

StanleyLambchop · 10/12/2013 10:52

I would not expect a sleepover guest to have a shower either, they can go home and shower later. 4 extra people showering- no one else would get in the bathroom! I would expect them to have one when they go home. That would still be on the same day, so it would not affect the 'daily showering rule'. My DD goes on regular guide sleepovers, there are no shower facilities there, no one dies because of it! Chin up Lucy, don't let it get to you.

SqueakyCleanLibertine · 10/12/2013 10:53

My best friend at school came from a family of shocking hoarders, never bothered me, because she was my friend.

DuckToWater · 10/12/2013 10:54

I think she was rude, but it's also very easy to replace a mouldy shower curtain. They cost about £5.

hardbeingme · 10/12/2013 10:54

are you ashamed by your home/bathroom?

as if you are (which i'm assuming as otherwise you wouldn't be so bothered by her comments) then fix what is fixable and if you are not, ignore it she's 16 she's not posting a review for good housekeeping.

and yes i would let her stay if your dd wants her there.

shewhowines · 10/12/2013 10:57

I'd be guided by what your dd actually wants to do. It is her house and her friends. You are just the facilitator.

thebody · 10/12/2013 10:57

nope have 2 teen girls and they too go home in their onsies to shower at home.

comments on here make me very sad. are your attitudes that which you teach your dds?

if my dd's had bitched like this about a mate I would be furious, they don't as they are nice kids.

hope you are ok op. a house has to be clean enough and doesn't need to be bloody sparkling or all new furniture.

you obviously have a really nice kid, you are obviously a bit too nice and accommodating to be so thin skinned and may need to toughen up.

but that makes you a lot nicer person than this girl and presumably her mother who incidentally could be one of the rude posters on here.

apples don't fall far from the tree.

ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey · 10/12/2013 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 10/12/2013 10:59

ali - absolutely, sorry, cross posted with the hoarding bit.

gecko, you're coming across as a bit daft. Why the heck is she the one who should clean the house?! Or did you fall through from the 1950s?

fairisleknitter · 10/12/2013 10:59

Lucy I feel for you, especially amongst the cleanliness is next to godliness virtue posters on here. Cleanliness also appears to be next to unkindness in the array of personal attributes as shown by this thread.

On our sleepovers the kids don't shower and they go home in the previous day's clothes. Likewise if they have been away my kids shower when they get home.

There is an issue with older kids of judginess coming through strongly and inspired by this thread I am going to ask my older one if the reason we've not hosted for a while is the messy state of the house. It could be the inspiration we need to tidy up.

The huge positive in this is that they want to come back! (And you should have a willing cleaner in your DD.)

By the way the worst house I ever was a guest in was the cleanest. I will not go back.

RedLondonBus · 10/12/2013 11:00

Why what's her mother done in all this? Confused

StanleyLambchop · 10/12/2013 11:02

It's not 'snobby' to have an aversion to dirt, btw, it is a perfectly reasonable human instinct. Fwiw you could have eaten your dinner off pretty much any surface in my nan's (council) house.

Being snobby is not about affluence. It is perfectly possible to be snobby and live in a council house.

ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey · 10/12/2013 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TantrumsStoleSantasBalloons · 10/12/2013 11:04

Honestly, if you cannot afford to host Christmas for extra people or you simply don't want to, you have to speak up. And I know how easy that sounds written down. And I know it's not easy to do but it sounds as though you are a bit overwhelmed and things are getting on top of you and worrying you.

The sleepover? If you are happy to host a sleepover tell dd that you will help her get the house ready for her friends. If that is what she wants.
There are some shockingly judgemental people in the world, that's just the way it is. You could have a pristine, minimalist house and someone my SIL would complain it's "not homely enough" or some such bollocks.

We have a sofa that has been chewed by a dog and is now artistically covered in throws and cushions because we can't afford to replace it.
It doesn't matter that much to me- when I can afford it I will replace it. If the DCs friends think that's shocking- oh well.

The hoarding. Bit more tricky IMO. Stupid question, but have you talked to your DH about it? Can you set aside done free time to deal with it together?

soverylucky · 10/12/2013 11:04

This reply has been deleted

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Greensleeves · 10/12/2013 11:05

"worst house I've ever been in was the cleanest"

me too, I loathe show homes and feeling as though every microscopic trace of my existence is going to be nuked away within 30 seconds of me vacating - very unwelcoming

I like a slightly shabby messy feel, not filthy but not pristine either

one of my neighbours' houses is so squeaky-clean and tidy, her living room is like the waiting room at a fucking Dignitas clinic. No evidence that anyone lives there, and certainly no evidence of children. Not for me at all.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 10/12/2013 11:05

16 year olds can be massively snobby.

16 year olds whose parents prepare for their parties by cleaning up might, I imagine, be more snobby than most. If that's the norm in your DD's social circle it explains why the other girl is a bit of a princess (it's fine to feel aversion, not so fine to say so!).

But what I don't get is why a 16 year old would relay this information to her mum, and then mum would feel it's entirely her responsibility, when it sounds as if the dad's hoarding is a fairly big issue.

Yes, go replace the shower curtain, they are cheap and I grew up with parents who would no more have thought of doing that than flying, and it is a bit soul-destroying and unpleasant. But surely after you do that, you need to talk to your DH and your DD and work out who is going to do what to make this house liveable for all of you?

soverylucky · 10/12/2013 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 10/12/2013 11:07

I wouldent have her back tbh, just because she is 16 does not mean she should not have manners! This reminds e of a time when I was the same age, I had a friend who was into horses, her house was full of horse dust and hair from their horse things, and mum did not do much housework. I did need a bloody good scrub at home afterwards as I am allergic to horses, I would never tell her though!