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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so upset with dds friend, and never allow her in the house again

167 replies

LucyLasticKnickers · 10/12/2013 10:20

or to have a word with her mother.

dd had a birthday party sleepover, she was 16.
she had four friends round.
it was fine, a few grumbles. me and dh did a big tidy in preparation.

apart from the shower curtain, that isnt very pleasant but tbh i did not expect anyone to have a shower in the morning.

anyone one friend - reminds me of a girl i went to college with - insufferable snob. but they all like her. had a shower, i dont know if that was it, but apparently on the way home she told anotehr friend she needed another shower to get over being at our house!
Sad
dd has only just plucked up the courage to tell me, nearly 6 months after the event.
these 4 friends are apparently anglying for anotehr invite.

tell me she is only 16 and I should get over it but I am so upset.

OP posts:
ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey · 10/12/2013 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

K8Middleton · 10/12/2013 11:09

Oh dear. So really this girl isn't the issue, her comments are a symptom of a real problem you have at home. Hating your house isn't much good :(

The way I see it you have two choices. You can either continue to wallow, feeling shame, having periodic tidies and getting cross at people notifing something that clearly is an issue you are sensitive too, or you can do something.

Give the shower curtain a wash, or buy a new one for a couple of pounds. Stick stuff in storage/the attic and if not used for a year bin it/eBay/free cycle it. Tell your mother and family coming for Xmas that they need to bring x, y, z.

It really is you choice how you react to this and you can do something about it.

lookatmycameltoe · 10/12/2013 11:11

To be honest I think you know your house/bathroom is a bit dirty and that's why this hurts.

People choose to live in different ways, some people are spotlessly clean and some aren't. Does that mean any of us are worth less as people or are nicer/horrible?

My inlaws live in a standard less than I would like to live. When I spent the first night in their house I told my mother their bathroom and kitchen were vile. If that had got back to them they would have been heartbroken I'm sure. They are lovely, lovely people.

Don't take it to heart. You should not have found out about what this girl said.
Raise your cleanliness standards if YOU want to otherwise just get on with life.

trashcanjunkie · 10/12/2013 11:11

I grew up in filth and squalor. We had a hotel for a few years until it was repossessed. I was always discouraged from bringing friends home by by parents who were massive dope smokers and for years after I left home I lived in squalid conditions, having never known how to achieve anything better. Visitors struck me with dread as I'd have to attempt epic clean ups, which still fell way short of the mark. I finally met a really lovely friend who tactfully taught me about systems to keep my shit together, and it's been a revelation. Now I have a tiny little flat on a council estate, that could probably do with a full refurb, but because it's basically clean and the systems work it feels cosy, homely and doesn't smell! I am happy to have unexpected visitors or posh kids coming to stay (I have a spare room I rent out to students from local language school - they all love it here)

It's really important to me to have a home I'm happy in and proud of, and it sounds as though you need this too. Just saying Smile

MrsBennetsEldest · 10/12/2013 11:11

OP, why should you put yourself through having the girl at your home again? I imagine you would feel awful wondering if you are being judged by a 16 year old and would be very uncomfortable.
It's your home.
If the girl is a friend of your DD's she shouldn't be having cheap digs behind her back.
As for this girl being ' only 16 ', rubbish, don't manners and respect count anymore. At 16 I would expect better and for her to behave like an adult in social situations. I did and mine do. To me, this situation says more about this girl than about your home.

SomethingkindaOod · 10/12/2013 11:11

Sleepovers at our house don't involve sleep never mind showers.they have a quick wash and go home.
Frankly with the attitude on display on this thread I'm never encouraging them again if I thought that a child would go home and make comments about our home, and I'm a bit of a neat freak with a cleanable shower screen! This 'friend' needs to learn some manners. And I would put the lid on any sleepovers for a while. You and your DD will be on edge the whole time.

thebody · 10/12/2013 11:12

mmmmm I too grew up in a council estate and had good manners drummed into me so was taught that making personal remarks on people's homes or faces is bloody rude.

ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey · 10/12/2013 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

soverylucky · 10/12/2013 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialShadows · 10/12/2013 11:15

There is no excuse for having a munging shower curtain. YUCK!

I picture a shower curtain with orange brown fluffy yuck.

Seriously!? Just bung the damn thing in the washing machine on a 60 degree wash.

I would also be revolted, but I am old enough to not say anything.

wordfactory · 10/12/2013 11:17

I think a number of issues need unpicking here OP.

  1. The child was rude. No matter what someone's house is like, you mention it to no one. Except your own family. If you must.
  1. If the girl wants to come back, then clearly it wasn't that big a deal. Let it go, or make a tiny comment about manners in front of all the girls. Shame the devil etc.
  1. The fact that your DD didn't mention it but now has is a bit sad. It's obviously played on her mind but she didn't want to hurt you. You need to tell her she can tell you anything.
  1. You seem ashamed of your home. And that's sad. No matter how humble it's your space in this world. What do you think you could do to perk it up? Lots of things cost very little and make a huge difference.
ArtexTheHallWithBoughsOfMonkey · 10/12/2013 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lurkerspeaks · 10/12/2013 11:18

Why on earth would overnight guests not want to shower?

This is the bit that is puzzling me.

fairisleknitter · 10/12/2013 11:18

I had a thirteen year old guest laugh at our bread!

I had a little joke with him about it but when he left I did go through with mine just how rude that was. At 16 they should know better but there are some very indulged and rude kids out there, some are my relatives!

thebody · 10/12/2013 11:18

SoveryLucky excellent advice.

Idespair · 10/12/2013 11:20

Tidy up more next time. I make sure the whole house is completely tidy and clean even if I have a 5yo round.

Binkyridesagain · 10/12/2013 11:22

I have held many sleep overs for my children and never has one of their friends wanted to take a shower before they go home. I'm surprised if they manage to find their toothbrushes.

fairisleknitter · 10/12/2013 11:22

lurker when there are 4 or 5 plus other family members it is more practical to wait til they get home. If they were staying all day, or heading off to school then they would have a shower with us, as it is they are going home (to sleep!)

StanleyLambchop · 10/12/2013 11:26

People don't choose to be disgusted by the things they're disgusted by stanley, it's completely involuntary. Snobby is completely the wrong word in this context; i don't think having, for eg, a clean sink makes me a better person than someone whose sink is mouldy and covered in spat out toothpaste, but i can't stop my stomach turning over either.

But presumably you would keep that to yourself so as not to hurt the feelings of your host. Especially if you then wanted to be invited back.

StanleyLambchop · 10/12/2013 11:27

Tidy up more next time. I make sure the whole house is completely tidy and clean even if I have a 5yo round.

Good for you!

Phalenopsis · 10/12/2013 11:30
  1. OPs husband is a hoarder
  2. OPs mother has invited lots of people to Christmas dinner at the OPs house
  3. OP has not stood up to her mother (for whatever reason)
  4. Consequently the OP is miserable and is probably struggling due the above and silly season stress.

There's a lot more to this than a grubby shower curtain in my view.

bootsycollins · 10/12/2013 11:30

There's some really good advice on here Lucy. Your home doesn't need to be sterile you just need to take charge of the hoarding situation, get the Marigolds and some good tunes on and get everyone at home involved with the clean up/sort out. You'll feel better once you've done something proactive and it'll be easier to keep on top of and achieve some balance Thanks

bootsycollins · 10/12/2013 11:33

Oh and ring your Mother and tell her Christmas isn't happening Smile

K8Middleton · 10/12/2013 11:40

Notice not notify. Enthusiastic autocorrect!

DorrisM · 10/12/2013 11:43

The bit I don't get is that this was six months ago and the shower curtain was 'unpleasant' then, but you're only now talking about replacing it. I think that's why posters are assuming a low standard of cleanliness.