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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you allow your young DC to become morbidly obese then it should be treated the same as if you'd starved them.

203 replies

ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath · 08/12/2013 16:16

This link is really upsetting. I hate seeing young children that are incredibly overweight. It is, for me, the same as seeing children that have been underfed. When children are young they do not get to choose what they eat, they are given their food by their parents.

I understand that as children get older then controlling what they eat when not under your supervision is impossible but at this age it is just appalling.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 08/12/2013 19:28

I think that article raises good questions about why nobody else stepped in sooner, in some ways it shows what a taboo subject weight still is with people worried about offending by saying something. On the other hand even if support was offered to the parents they have to be willing to accept it.

I do think in some ways we still need much more education about what exactly is a balanced diet for a child. Obviously this is a very extreme case but for many parents it can be hard to understand what a child should be eating because of the mixed messages we are given even about adult diets.

SaucyJack · 08/12/2013 19:34

It is abuse. The child weighted three times what she should have.

This is not a case of a child who was having a few too many biscuits. Something had clearly gone seriously wrong.

IndiansInTheLobby · 08/12/2013 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SteamWisher · 08/12/2013 19:47

My ds is overweight but no one in our family is (size 8/10 women, slim men). However I'm not over feeding him, we're keeping his portion sizes down etc but I'm obviously getting something wrong as he is too heavy.

I'veread that there's a possible link between antibiotics before 6 months and overweight"ness" in children by age 3 which would fit with ds as he was given antibiotics at 1 day old. I still get so upset by the possibility that the unnecessary (which they were - he was healthy but the junior paediatrician bullied me into it saying she would if it was her baby, just in case - all because he got a bit cold as they took his blankets away)

So to say it's abuse upsets me. Im working hard o fight his weight - getting him walking more, no biscuits etc - which is tough as ironically his sister is underweight (which fits with our family on DH's side who were similar as babies).

shouldnthavesaid · 08/12/2013 19:52

It CAN be choice. I have been overweight since 7 and obese since 14 because I have made the decision to eat what I have. I chose willingly to have chips for school lunch. I chose to have fifths of pudding in primary school. I chose to sneak food and hide the wrappers and binge on snacks.

It's not always down to the parents. I wanted to eat and I'd have found a way. Even when being sent to the takeaway for the occasional tea I was choosing to sneak seven chips on the way home.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 08/12/2013 19:59

Yanbu. I don't know if it's abuse but it's certainly wilful neglect!

Joysmum · 08/12/2013 20:01

I find it a difficult topic myself. I've had weight issues all my adult life and have lost 6.5+ stone twice but have been a normal BMI for 19 months. My hubby is obese too.

Since my daughter was a baby, I've seen her not appreciate about portion sizes and using food to self medicate.

I do my best to promote a normal attitude to food but given I'm not normal myself (whatever the scales and mirror show) it's hard to know how to deal with it. Some say to educate, how do I do it without making it an issue and making her self conscious when I've not cracked it myself yet. I'm more worried I'm going to fuck her up completely by trying to nip it in the bud. She's not huge, but is getting bigger and I'm scared for her.

I could see my issues in her from a baby as she'd eat until she exploded if you'd let her but then the advice was feeding on demand etc.

Original poster
ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath · 08/12/2013 20:05

shouldnthavesaid if you reversed your situation and said you chose not to eat from the age of seven, would your parents have stepped in? Would they have sought help from professionals if you were severely underweight at age 14? I think parents need to take responsibility for allowing their children to have access to inappropriate food. You may have wanted to eat more but it was your parents and the school that allowed you to have more.

Steamwisher Is your DS overweight or obese? Have you sought help from anyone? I don't want to patronise you by suggesting a food diary etc but sometimes the help from outsiders can give you new light on a situation. I hope you find a solution to your DS's problem.

OP posts:
SteamWisher · 08/12/2013 20:11

He's obese but only just. I think the issue is portion sizes and number of snacks. I was a bit "head in the sand", thinking oh he's just a bit chubby, but he's not. He's 4 and he's not losing it!

One difficulty is that I don't look after him all the time (I work) and our childcare provider gives him too big a portion size although I have asked her to cut them down. I know as I've seen the sizes. another is that because I'm used to eating pretty much what I like (within reason - I naturally control my calories) I assume that ds can too and let him eat too much. It's only recently that I've been cracking down on it and not giving him so much food (eg today he scoffed two sausages 8 roast potatoes, half a chicken breast and he's 4!!!). So hopefully we will see results soon. He also does sport and I'm getting him walking as much as I can when he's with me.

Sirzy · 08/12/2013 20:12

Steam - the difference is though you are acting to ensure his weight doesn't become an issue and trying to step in and help. I can't see how that could be the case with a child who is as overweight as the child in that article.

Original poster
ItsOkayItsJustMyBreath · 08/12/2013 20:20

Steam he is still young enough for you to fix this and for it to not cause him any long term effects. It's great that you have identified the issues and are fixing them. Best of luck to you. Your case is completely different to that I was targeting with this thread.

OP posts:
SteamWisher · 08/12/2013 20:26

Yes - thank you. I just feel awful for it and do not want him to suffer for his weight.

Twattyzombiebollocks · 08/12/2013 21:22

I think the fact that the child lost 2st in a month indicates that in this case it was too much food and too little exercise that was the problem. It is abuse in my eyes to allow your child to become so overweight (without any other medical reason)
I'm just trying to imagine a 5yo weighing 10st. My average size weighs just over 4 stone. She's not skinny, you can see her ribs (just) but that's perfect in my eyes.

PointyChristmasFairyWand · 08/12/2013 21:45

It is scary to think of a 5yo weighing that much, I do agree - my very tall almost 13yo weighs 8 and a half stone and she's 5'7''...

perlona · 08/12/2013 22:09

The morbidly obese child in question actually has Prada Willi syndrome, so I don't think that can be judged. I can't imagine how distressing it must be for your child to be constantly screaming with hunger. It's natural for a parent to want to do anything that eases their childs desperate cries and upset. That can't be in any way compared with children who are grossly overfed through ignorance and laziness.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2520182/Britains-fattest-year-old-Girl-taken-care-weighing-TEN-STONE.html#comments

Mimishimi · 08/12/2013 22:17

YANBU. Those children are definitely going to be a burden on the state in future years at an earlier age than their peers. It is neglect pure and simple - doubt it's borne out of love so much as the parents cannot be bothered cooking healthy food for themselves or their children, who have no say over what they are fed or who provides them an example. In cases of morbid obesity, the state should be able to intervene.v

Sirzy · 08/12/2013 22:23

Even if she does have a medical problem which causes issues with food that should make her parents be even more careful, seek help and advice and find ways to control it as best as possible? For the child to be taken into care I very much doubt that was the case here.

ShylaMcClaus · 08/12/2013 22:27

Our former neighbours were all large. The adults not so much due to the daily cigarettes and amphetamines, but the seven DC were.

I overheard the youngest talking to my DS and she was saying that she liked the healthy food they had at school but they took the piss out of her for wanting some salad or vegetables with her dinner. It happens.

Horrific that the child in the article has PW. I can only hope that there is more to this.

DziezkoDisco · 08/12/2013 22:33

PV is not just about overeating, there are other characteristics that a person also has that are apparent: learning difficulties, mobility diversity and ime a good sense of humour.

Steamwisher, in the nicest possible way, if you are worried about your sons weight why are you feeding him roast potatoes and sausages? They are hugely calorific.

plentyofsoap · 08/12/2013 22:40

I met a lovely 8 year old yesterday. He was very overweight and I was quite shocked. It will impact on his health now and in the future so it is a form of neglect.

bochead · 08/12/2013 22:44

Why wasn't the child tested for any relevant medical conditions BEFORE she was taken into care?

This case reminds me of that poor Roma couple in Ireland recently whose child was removed for the "crime" of being blond haired and blue eyed with darker parents. Later they did the DNA tests and returned the now damaged child to her loving & wholly innocent parents.

This sort of case is EXACTLY why family courts need to be open to public scrutiny.

As it is I'm at a loss to understand why a clinical dietician and behavioural specialist couldn't have worked with the family for a year or so to address the child's weight rather than permanently destroy her emotional security. The statistical life time outcomes for looked after children are educational, relationship, employment and emotional failure rather than secure happy adults.

A child should only ever go into care as an absolute last resort when all other avenues have failed. (The GP, HV, school & nursery all have a case to answer to for her obese state too!) . The theraputic solution I outlined above would probably be cheaper for the tax payer than paying a foster carer upwards of £300 a week + SW supervision costs.

I'm very angry that a family has been torn apart WITHOUT THE FULL FACTS OF THE CASE BEING KNOWN. IF (and I'm not saying SW's have btw!) an error has been made, and the child's obesity is caused by an underlying medical condition then the emotional impact of what's been done here will still stay with her for life.

Sirzy · 08/12/2013 22:50

Why wasn't the child tested for any relevant medical conditions BEFORE she was taken into care?

Had the parents not pushed for answers as to why their child had such issues with food and was putting on so much weight?

It's all well and good to blame the system but surely most parents would have been seeking advice, answers and support a long time before their child's weight got so out of control?

BeyondTheLimitsOfXmasability · 08/12/2013 22:51

Shocked to find that link is a story in my home town. Knowing a child who was over ten stone at 8 though, I am positive that it was not just this childs weight that led to this decision. Or they would not have been the first.

KungFuBustle · 08/12/2013 22:53

Agreed Sirzy.

You can't expect the state to be responsible for a child's health then complain that they are involved in the child's health.

Not getting medical treatment that is needed for a child isneglect too.

NotYoMomma · 08/12/2013 23:00

I actually live in the same street as the overweight 8year old a few years back who nearly got taken into care.

his mother was not abusive but she did need some help and the threat alone made a difference as he stayed at home in the end and lost a bit of weight

I think she just needed a metaphorical slap in the face iyswim