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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

HELP!! Ex remarriage- impartial advice please!!

116 replies

jayjay2210 · 03/12/2013 16:29

Just some impartial advice please!!

(Back story)Hi myself and ex split in July after over 5 years together, we have beautiful son who is three. The relationship was on the rocks for a couple of years and I decided to leave. He doesn't contribute financially even though he has a thriving business which we set up together, and I never made any claim towards the house (he owned it before we got together) I also left him pretty much everything and am in a load of debt because of it.

When I left I was bombarded with calls, texts and him turning up at more door crying, one time I had to call the police. He found out that I had a little drunken kiss so two days later he signed up to internet dating and met a girl (Beginning of August). 4 weeks later they are engaged and living together. I'm not jealous and I have my own wonderful relationship, the thing that concerns me is that our child is not being taken into consideration, He sleeps over 1/2 nights a week and I don't have a clue who this woman is. He hasn't weaned my little one in terms of getting to know this person and quite often cries about Daddy and (x) kissing, it must be confusing because literally 6 weeks before that was mummy and daddy. My ex didn't inform me about his relationship or the fact she had moved in. Now my ex has just called me and said next week he is getting married it's only been 5 months this seem ridiculous. The wedding is in Scotland (240 miles away, over 4 hours drive) obviously I'm not invited, and there is nobody mutual going who I trust, in fact he gave very vague details. The weeding is mid-week which means my little one would be missing 3 days of nursery (lots of trouble with a previous nursery just got settled into his new one)

Should I let my little one go? My gut says NO WAY!

oh and just got a letter from the nursery saying the little one has a Christmas concert on one of the days his dad wants to take him out of nursery.

Also I don't know if this has a baring on your opinions but his first date was where he purposed to me and was known as "our" place. We regularly took trips there when we were happy and if anyone mentioned the place they would automatically look at us. I find this a bit strange. Also my little one keeps coming home with "catchphrases" me and my ex exclusively used as an "in joke" when we first got together and now he must be using them with his new partner... i find it strange, it's as though he is emulating our relationship with his new girlfriend. myself and my current partner have a totally different relationship and are creating our own new memories it would feel really bizarre to start using things from any of my previous relationships in a new one. It's all a bit odd if you ask me!

OP posts:
sparklysilversequins · 03/12/2013 16:31

Well that's all going to go tits up isn't it?

No, my child would not be going to that wedding.

sparklysilversequins · 03/12/2013 16:31

The relationship I mean.

CaptainSweatPants · 03/12/2013 16:33

I think you have to let him go to his dad's wedding regardless of the circumstances
What are his parents like? Presumably they're going & can keep an eye on your ds?

Original poster
jayjay2210 · 03/12/2013 16:37

He isn't particularly close to his family and my son doesn't know them well. I don't even know if they are going.

OP posts:
sashh · 03/12/2013 16:38

I wouldn't send your child.

I would let daddy skype him at the ceremony.

Nothing to do with where they met, what has been said etc etc your ds has had a lot of changes in his life, three days away from mum in a strange place with all that a wedding entails (unless they are just going to go to a register office with just a couple of witnesses, but if they were why go to Scotland?

Yes things do seem odd, but that is none of your business except how it impact on your son. So if you are on good enough terms you might want to discuss things like a will.

ElenorRigby · 03/12/2013 16:39

Very odd.
It's his choice to meet and marry someone so quickly, thats fine.
However it's not fair on your son to dragged along at such a speed.

I met my DSD about 5 months after DP and I got together, even then I was just a friend of daddys for months and months.
It's really yuk that they are kissing in front of your son too, thats inappropriate for the little one.

Legally I would seek some advice to protect your son from a situation that moving way to fast for him.

The ex should have thought more of what's appropriate for your son!

attheendoftheday · 03/12/2013 16:39

It may be odd, and your ex may be taking things too quickly, but I think you need to let your ds attend the wedding unless you think it is not safe or he won't be properly looked after. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for future resentment from both your ex and your ds. The wedding of a parent is important enough to miss a nursery concert!

Your ex may well be being an idiot, but as you are separated you don't get a say with regards to his relationship. The same rules will apply when you have a new partner. I agree with you that it's very soon to introduce a new partner, but unfortunately our ex has the right to decide about how to handle that situation.

Finola1step · 03/12/2013 16:41

I would be vv reluctant to let my child go to a wedding in such circumstances. However.... Flip this one around. What if your ex refused to let your son go to your wedding? It just wouldn't happen, would it? You would not stand for it. Therefore, if you really want impartial advice, I would argue that you actually have very little ground to stop your son going to his own father's wedding.

You would be perfectly within your rights to want to know who will be looking after your ds before, during and after the ceremony. For example, where and with whom will he be staying on the wedding night because I assume that the bride and groom will not want an over excited and over tired three year old sharing their room. On second thoughts, maybe your son should go.... Grin

NotYoMomma · 03/12/2013 16:42

I wouldnt ban my child from attending their fathers wedding tbh if he wasnt abusive and has contact

I'd see that as pretty spiteful

Justforlaughs · 03/12/2013 16:43

Is there anyway that you can go as well, I know that you haven;t been invited but in your shoes I wouldn't be happy with DS being that far away from me for that long with people that he barely knows. Suggest it under cover of supporting ex, "I could bring him up, he could go to service/ early part of party with you and I could pick him up at 7.00 so you and new partner/ wife can enjoy the party without the responsibility. Shows that you aren't jealous, and gets your DS out of a slightly uncomfortable situation.

Original poster
jayjay2210 · 03/12/2013 16:44

I don't tend to ask questions, I know they met on the internet that's about it. If it was just between me and my ex I wouldn't even take note of things that are going on, but my son is involved in this quite frankly bizarre and immature relationship move. I don't think it is right that I wasn't told that when my son was visiting his dad he was also spending time with someone I don't have the first clue about. When I started dating my OH and things progressed to him meeting my child we did it so we went a mutual ground (play area) and he bought his little girl, we are not tactile around our little ones so not to confuse them. I even contacted my ex out of respect to tell him that our son was meeting my OH, I expect the same respect.

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 03/12/2013 16:51

A side issue, but why isn't he paying any support? If he wants the privilege of his child's company (or even if he didn't) he should be paying for his keep.

Original poster
jayjay2210 · 03/12/2013 16:58

Last month I contacted the CSA to let them deal with it. I wanted things to be amicable. I moved to an area that is tbh almost above my means to ensure ds got into good schools under the agreement that he would help out. Obviously just words. He has been avoiding the CSA and is slowing down the process.

I understand that a wedding day is a big thing and I would hate it if my child missed mine, but I feel that this wedding is yet another self centred move on my ex's behalf and why should our child be apart of something that is clearly been done with no thought to our child.

OP posts:
Original poster
jayjay2210 · 03/12/2013 17:01

If it was a longer time period, and was actually involved in things that would affect our child I wouldn't have stopped the little one going. But the circumstances surrounding the wedding feel strange for lack of a better word.

All my friends and family say I shouldn't let him go, that's why I turned to here to get other views.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 03/12/2013 17:05

Well, on a practical basis, how is your son going to get there? And who will take care of him during the ceremony and the evening? Who will be there overnight? Who will bring him back?

I don't think your ex has thought this through at all.

Lucky you, though, having a nice guy now and not hankering after this old fool!

WilsonFrickett · 03/12/2013 17:08

I can absolutely see your point. The relationship seems to be a car crash, your ex doesn't pay support, etc etc.

But you still have to send him to the wedding I'm afraid. Unless your X is abusive, if he has regular contact and 'knows' him, then you have to send him.

I will be the first to say it's shit, but although your X seems to be royally fucking up his life it is his life to fuck up. You can't keep his child from his wedding just because you disagree with the wedding. unfortunately

WilsonFrickett · 03/12/2013 17:08

X-post with imperial I would want to know exactly what he's proposing for his care though.

BettyBotter · 03/12/2013 17:12

Has X actually said he wants ds to go? How do you think he'd react if you said no?

I think I'd be tempted to say yes for the day but leave all the logistics to X to sort out. He'd have to collect and bring back ds in time for at least one of his performances. He'd have to ensure ds was minded and cared for by someone he knew on the day. He'd have to buy wedding clothes and shoes.

If he can genuinely ensure ds's' well-being this way then I'd agree but what's the chances he'll find the whole thing too complicated to organise?

OTOH if you say no, he'll hold it over you for the rest of his short lived- marriage.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/12/2013 17:12

Your ex sounds as if he is really really trying to make you jealous and take him back. All those 'triggers' he's bringing into play - locations, phrases, marriage. And you do not sound jealous to me, not one bit. He must be gutted!

How would you feel about inviting your ex and his fiance over to discuss DS's attendance at the wedding? To iron out who will be taking care of him during the preparations, the ceremony, the meal etc.; discuss bedtimes, food, what DS will need to take with him to feel comfortable away from home etc. Treat them as if they will act responsibly and see them blanch at it all.

I feel quite sorry for his fiancee Sad.

WilsonFrickett · 03/12/2013 17:15

Where that's actual genius. Quick text: Hey XP, just wondering if you and DFiance would like to pop round at pick up next week? Would love to meet her and of course we need to discuss logistics for the wedding.

OMG his head will blardy explode! Do it!

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 03/12/2013 17:17

Find out what the arrangements are before making your decision, i wouldnt want my child going without proper arrangements in place.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 03/12/2013 17:19

I agree with the kill them with kindness and enjoy the show.

Hissy · 03/12/2013 17:19

You don't know who will be looking after him at night, where he will be etc.

It's too far to be away from you in case anything does go wrong. This bloke is getting married, neither he nor the bride will be able to pay attention to his needs and at 3yo, it's too young.

No. That doesn't work.

cjel · 03/12/2013 17:27

I wouldn't let him go and wouldn't bother to speak to them about it all because they could say anything and not carry it out. Perhaps just explain that he has christmas show at school and he can't miss it?

NatashaBee · 03/12/2013 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.