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AIBU?

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Original poster

HELP!! Ex remarriage- impartial advice please!!

116 replies

jayjay2210 · 03/12/2013 16:29

Just some impartial advice please!!

(Back story)Hi myself and ex split in July after over 5 years together, we have beautiful son who is three. The relationship was on the rocks for a couple of years and I decided to leave. He doesn't contribute financially even though he has a thriving business which we set up together, and I never made any claim towards the house (he owned it before we got together) I also left him pretty much everything and am in a load of debt because of it.

When I left I was bombarded with calls, texts and him turning up at more door crying, one time I had to call the police. He found out that I had a little drunken kiss so two days later he signed up to internet dating and met a girl (Beginning of August). 4 weeks later they are engaged and living together. I'm not jealous and I have my own wonderful relationship, the thing that concerns me is that our child is not being taken into consideration, He sleeps over 1/2 nights a week and I don't have a clue who this woman is. He hasn't weaned my little one in terms of getting to know this person and quite often cries about Daddy and (x) kissing, it must be confusing because literally 6 weeks before that was mummy and daddy. My ex didn't inform me about his relationship or the fact she had moved in. Now my ex has just called me and said next week he is getting married it's only been 5 months this seem ridiculous. The wedding is in Scotland (240 miles away, over 4 hours drive) obviously I'm not invited, and there is nobody mutual going who I trust, in fact he gave very vague details. The weeding is mid-week which means my little one would be missing 3 days of nursery (lots of trouble with a previous nursery just got settled into his new one)

Should I let my little one go? My gut says NO WAY!

oh and just got a letter from the nursery saying the little one has a Christmas concert on one of the days his dad wants to take him out of nursery.

Also I don't know if this has a baring on your opinions but his first date was where he purposed to me and was known as "our" place. We regularly took trips there when we were happy and if anyone mentioned the place they would automatically look at us. I find this a bit strange. Also my little one keeps coming home with "catchphrases" me and my ex exclusively used as an "in joke" when we first got together and now he must be using them with his new partner... i find it strange, it's as though he is emulating our relationship with his new girlfriend. myself and my current partner have a totally different relationship and are creating our own new memories it would feel really bizarre to start using things from any of my previous relationships in a new one. It's all a bit odd if you ask me!

OP posts:
sparklysilversequins · 03/12/2013 19:00

OP, your child is three, you've no clue how he will be cared for in the FOUR days he is away. Everyone knows that a three year old HAS to be the main focus of at least one adult at all times. How is his Dad going to care for him in that time. During his wedding, an extremely busy and stressful time. Was he a totally hands in father when you were together? Has he always put ds first come what may? If the answer to those questions is a definite yes then off he goes. If its not then he should not go. It seems to me that if you had no worries for your child's physical well being and trust in your ex then you would have no issues with this.

I would never let my children go away with their Dad because he drinks a lot and can't be trusted to put them first, they are only allowed if my PIL or SIL will be there too as they are trustworthy.

It seems to me that those who are adamant ds must go to his fathers wedding are fortunate enough to have reliable men as fathers for their dc so that nagging fear that your child won't be safe is not known to them.

sparklysilversequins · 03/12/2013 19:01

Oh and ds's first Christmas play is important to YOU, so don't listen to those rubbishing it and telling you how boring it will be.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 03/12/2013 19:04

Its the not willing to discuss his childcare that i would have an issue with, as his mother, your allowed to know that. Since it wont be his dad or stepmum.

cjel · 03/12/2013 19:13

I'm afraid I'd just say its not convenient he has the play. I think this is worth putting your foot down over. 4 days to Scotland when he will be getting married and unable to look after him the whole time is just weird.

Original poster
jayjay2210 · 03/12/2013 19:13

Thanks Sparkly you seem to be on my wave length.

Tbf to dc dad he can be brilliant and was involved when he was a baby.

It seems once we split he changed, things like not turning up and the first week into a new routine staying at his dads he left him at his mums instead to go out.

The reason i judge the relationship is because that relationship is around our child. Fact is only last month I get a text saying "why did you leave me and ruin our family" these are not the words that should come from a man totally in love and getting married.

OP posts:
Justforlaughs · 03/12/2013 19:18

I think you have the right to know the arrangements for looking after your child during the 3 days. You have the right to speak to the individual who has that responsibility. (I still think you should at least offer to go) I don't think you have the right to prevent your DS from attending his Dad's wedding IF adequate childcare has been put in place and thought through.

JumpingJackSprat · 03/12/2013 19:20

Are you always this controlling?

sparklysilversequins · 03/12/2013 19:22

He's THREE he won't give two hoots about attending his fathers wedding that will be lucky to last 6 months.

sparklysilversequins · 03/12/2013 19:25

The marriage that is not the wedding obviously Smile

Original poster
jayjay2210 · 03/12/2013 19:51

Controlling really?

If I was controlling then would I have let the dc go round from the start of the relationship?

OP posts:
HRHLadyG · 03/12/2013 20:04

Please ignore the nonsense about being controlling etc etc etc! You are not.
I would not let any child of mine go. You have not been given clear or reliable information regarding the time they will be away and who will be looking after your little one....and that IS your business. Try not to give energy to whether their relationship is serious/real etc as this may weaken your position. Make sure you conversation is about what is right for your child and his appropriate care.
Follow your instincts x

Hissy · 03/12/2013 20:05

I think JumpingJackSprat is A Goady Fucker lost.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

BohemianGirl · 03/12/2013 20:13

I understand your reservations but from an outsiders POV, and that is what you asked for. I assume you and your Ex joint parental responsibility? I also assume whilst you were together you had no reason to question his parenting decisions?

If that answer to both of those is yes then you have no right to stop his child attending his wedding.

MadAsFish · 03/12/2013 20:17

Are you always this controlling?

You seem to be reading a different thread to me.

gindrinker · 03/12/2013 20:22

Going to the wedding isn't a problem. I dont think the OP has an issue with her son attending her ex's wedding

Its the practicalities which it intails.

I'd ask questions about the practicalities, have the grandparents volunteered to look after him? Where will he be staying? Etc.
Find out the details and then make an informed decision. You shouldn't have to travel to Scotland for a wedding which you're not attending.

OHforDUCKSchristmascake · 03/12/2013 20:25

I agree with the other normal posters. You have been more than fair, you dont sound jealous and I agree with you that you shouldnt be bending over backwards to accomodate is odd demands any more.

I wouldnt send my 3 year old, absolutely no chance.

Kiwiinkits · 03/12/2013 20:35

If he says it's "none of your business" about the arrangements then absolutely YANBU to not let your son go. A condition of him going is that you know where he is going to be and that there are arrangements in place to have him looked after.

Are you sure this isn't some sort of elaborate ruse by your ex to take your child out of the country or something? (Dramatic, but possible).

OhMerGerd · 03/12/2013 20:52

Gosh what a complex situation. You leave your ex taking nothing but the child he fathered, leaving behind the house he bought but that you lived in as a family and the lucrative successful business you built up together. He contributes nothing and you're in debt having moved to an area with good schools so youre getting the CSA involved nearly six months later. But he's not abusive and is carrying a torch for you while marrying a woman he met on the Internet around 16 weeks ago. Your sons invited to 3 day Scottish nuptual shindig but you have no idea who's going to be responsible for him during these proceedings and now your ex is telling you it's none of your business.

Well. There's a lot there that is your business re home, work and support but the wedding .. no. Your son is very much your business and you will need to make clear to your ex that its fine for him to go but you just want to handover to who ever will be responsible for him during ceremony , party and wedding night. If that is not forth coming you could ask ex mil in the 'I assume its going to be you when would you like me to pop round with all his bits and pieces ' , no questions just matter of fact style. If she says yes it will be her ... then do just that. Pop round with his packed bags, his cuddly, some of his favourite snacks any meds, your contact details for those few days and a home made card by DS for the happy couple. If she says she is not going or wont be responsible, then you could offer Ex option of you travelling up and staying a b&b at his expense to look after DS .. just handing over to ex for the ceremony and party then collecting DS before it gets too late. If that's a no .. You would be reasonable to say why you dont feel comfortable letting him attend without any blamey backstory christmas play excuses. Put it in writing so that you're not tempted to steay into internet bride, fool on the rebound territory and so that it can't be held against you.

If its a happy marriage you've started with your DS step mother in the good books. She could be in his life ( and by proxy yours) for the next 50 + years. If its not a happy marriage and goes belly up after 6 months... well that's not your problem.

One thing various family separations have taught me. You can't force others to parent to your standards. So long as DS is safe, fed and clean then everything else is a bonus.

wishingforwillpower · 03/12/2013 20:52

I would not let my DC go. You don't sound irrational, unreasonable or at all controlling, in fact I think you have been quite the opposite. The main issue here is that you have been given no reassurances about how your child will be cared for and who by. If I understand your post it seems your child will know nobody except his dad, who will be very busy and distracted. This is not a pleasant or fair situation for your little one to be in. As a pp pointed out, a 3 year old needs to be the sole focus of at least one adult in order to be kept safe and happy. Where is he to sleep at night and who with? Who will he sit with during the ceremony etc etc.
Go with your instincts. This man is not cooperating financially and is refusing to offer you facts or reassurance. There is no chance my DC would be going to this wedding.
Does your child actually want to go??

wishingforwillpower · 03/12/2013 20:55

Ohmergerd you sound very nice and sensible - I agree with your suggestions.

TalkieToaster · 03/12/2013 21:00

Oooh, that 'It's none of your business' comment would have me going no way to your DS going.

Finola1step · 03/12/2013 23:08

That's very good advice ohmergerd

JumpingJackSprat · 04/12/2013 08:45

I am reading the same thread as everyone else. She is trying to control her ex through their son. It is worrying that so many people think it's Ok. At some point she is going to have to get over this and realise that when the child is with his father she had no say over what happens. Just as he has no say what she does when he is with her. Unfortunately there's a lot of threads with people using the children to control their exes and lots of people tell them it's Ok. It's not and if there is no effective co parenting in place the child is the one who suffers. I don't think it's a good idea for op to start of her Co parenting relationship by trying to stop the child attending his father's wedding. She will have to start trusting him that he will look after his child and there's nothing so far to suggest he is abusive so there's no reason to stop the child going.

mouldyironingboard · 04/12/2013 09:02

My question is, does your ex look after your DS properly when he visits him?

If the answer is yes, then you know that your DS will be cared for during the 3 days that he is away with his father. If the answer is no, then you have every right to stop your son going to the wedding.

All the other stuff about the new relationship and quick marriage is irrelevant, as the only thing that matters is that your DS's well being.

greenfolder · 04/12/2013 09:35

Op it sounds like an incredibly difficult spot you are in. This might sound nuts but if they are getting married may be now is the time to raise coparenting and access and stuff. This person is going to be his step mother. Is there any scope at all for sensible conversation?

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