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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

HELP!! Ex remarriage- impartial advice please!!

116 replies

jayjay2210 · 03/12/2013 16:29

Just some impartial advice please!!

(Back story)Hi myself and ex split in July after over 5 years together, we have beautiful son who is three. The relationship was on the rocks for a couple of years and I decided to leave. He doesn't contribute financially even though he has a thriving business which we set up together, and I never made any claim towards the house (he owned it before we got together) I also left him pretty much everything and am in a load of debt because of it.

When I left I was bombarded with calls, texts and him turning up at more door crying, one time I had to call the police. He found out that I had a little drunken kiss so two days later he signed up to internet dating and met a girl (Beginning of August). 4 weeks later they are engaged and living together. I'm not jealous and I have my own wonderful relationship, the thing that concerns me is that our child is not being taken into consideration, He sleeps over 1/2 nights a week and I don't have a clue who this woman is. He hasn't weaned my little one in terms of getting to know this person and quite often cries about Daddy and (x) kissing, it must be confusing because literally 6 weeks before that was mummy and daddy. My ex didn't inform me about his relationship or the fact she had moved in. Now my ex has just called me and said next week he is getting married it's only been 5 months this seem ridiculous. The wedding is in Scotland (240 miles away, over 4 hours drive) obviously I'm not invited, and there is nobody mutual going who I trust, in fact he gave very vague details. The weeding is mid-week which means my little one would be missing 3 days of nursery (lots of trouble with a previous nursery just got settled into his new one)

Should I let my little one go? My gut says NO WAY!

oh and just got a letter from the nursery saying the little one has a Christmas concert on one of the days his dad wants to take him out of nursery.

Also I don't know if this has a baring on your opinions but his first date was where he purposed to me and was known as "our" place. We regularly took trips there when we were happy and if anyone mentioned the place they would automatically look at us. I find this a bit strange. Also my little one keeps coming home with "catchphrases" me and my ex exclusively used as an "in joke" when we first got together and now he must be using them with his new partner... i find it strange, it's as though he is emulating our relationship with his new girlfriend. myself and my current partner have a totally different relationship and are creating our own new memories it would feel really bizarre to start using things from any of my previous relationships in a new one. It's all a bit odd if you ask me!

OP posts:
Slinkysista · 04/12/2013 09:40

I would be thinking 'no' to your DS attending this wedding but I think your ex's unwillingness to let you know who will be caring for your son that day, obviously it won't be him, would seal the deal for me. It's a definite no!!
He sounds pathetic!

Original poster
jayjay2210 · 04/12/2013 10:18

JumpingJack..

It's worrying that you don't believe that having a child is a shared responsibility no matter who has them at any given time. If my ex has an opinion I certainly take it into consideration and respect his ideas as a Father, why should I not expect the same?

I am the full time parent, I'm not a parent when it suits me. Every step of my life since I've had our child I have considered the impact it will have on his life. I could have moved further away and closer to some of my family; I didn't so that my DC father was close, I could have stopped all contact due to the fact that at times he has been unreliable and not paid a penny. If I was truly controlling then the moment I deemed my ex not doing "what I want" then I could have stopped contact.

As for my ex's relationship being none of my business, it actually is my business because that relationship is being played out in front of our child. I have in no way dictated to my ex that he can't have a relationship, my gripe is that the relationship comes above our child. If he was considering our child then he would have planned a marriage at an appropriate time and place, instead of carting our son off 4 hours away with people he doesn't know.

How can I trust somebody that has rapidly changed from the man I knew 6 months ago? Everyone I know who is mutual between me and my ex are in utter shock at his current life choices, and his complete personality change. How can I trust someone who isn't mature enough to sit at a table and have an adult discussion, not just about the wedding but general parenting in regards to diet and routine, which wouldn't all be on my terms by the way but mutually agreed to maintain consistency? For example my dc is toilet trained, and no longer wears a nappy at night, but when at daddys he does?

OP posts:
Original poster
jayjay2210 · 04/12/2013 10:28

plus why shouldn't I have a say. From the day our dc was born i was the main carer. I take on all the other responsibilities in terms of keeping a roof over his head, keeping him fed and clothed; I'm not just a clown for a couple of days. I'm the one struggling trying to make ends meet and working 2 jobs worrying that I won't be able to get Christmas presents, whilst his Father is paying for weddings, engagement rings and buying our son an ipads for no reason; just because he can, instead of helping to provide clothes and shelter.

Yet I have bit my tongue, and continued contact.

OP posts:
Original poster
jayjay2210 · 04/12/2013 10:30

I'm Pro-Parent

Not pro-dad or pro-mum.

OP posts:
moldingsunbeams · 04/12/2013 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cjel · 04/12/2013 12:11

OP I see nothing here about you trying to control what H does only that your ds is looked after. Don't waste your time responding to those who are saying otherwise. If H was with a drug user in an unsafe home would they expect that it is non of you r business what happens to ds on Hs time? You sound reasonable to me and the fact he won't even discuss your concerns shows more control from him.

FirstOnRecallDay · 04/12/2013 14:18

IMO, if you continued contact after he left your DS at his GM house when contact first started, I'd assume you had no qualms about this, why can't she be responsible for him for the 3 days and if your ex won't discuss it with you go directly to her "Hi, X wants to take DS to the wedding and i assume its you whose going to be looking after DS when its all very busy, am i right in thinking this?" then move on from there.
Relationships aren't about the amount of time you've spent together, it's about the quality of it, of which you have no idea - I know many couples who had children or got married within a few months and still blissfully happy years on (me being one of those) Don't be so judgemental.

Original poster
jayjay2210 · 04/12/2013 14:36

I wouldn't be so judgemental if I wasn't receiving texts from my ex crying about our failed relationship and the fact that i left him. Trying to manipulate me by saying I split up the family. Who does that when they are about to get married?

As for staying at the GM I didn't know about that until she called to say can I collect him because DS dad had left him with her all day when it was meant to be for a couple of hours.

OP posts:
NotYoMomma · 04/12/2013 14:38

cjel -wtf?!

'if he was a drug user...'

he isnt... he is a man with regukar xontact with his child who is about to get married but only now OP has developed a concern about her son spending time with his family

drugs comment is totally irrelevant and misplaced. and a completely different scenario

Original poster
jayjay2210 · 04/12/2013 14:38

For such a short period of time together it is a risk, and I don't believe in risks when a child is involved. tbf my opinion on that doesn't matter as much as the welfare of my DS and the fact that he will be so far with people he doesn't really know.

OP posts:
LoreleisSecret · 04/12/2013 14:43

What risks are you talking about OP? Nothing in PPs flag up as a risk to your child IMO?

TeamSouthfields · 04/12/2013 14:46

I would book a hotel, take my son to the destination, get dad to pick up, and take to wedding, while u shopped, chilled in room etc, then get his father to drop him off after, or u meet him somewhere, that way u are close by

Original poster
jayjay2210 · 04/12/2013 14:48

like i said I have 2 jobs and not a lot of money so going 240 miles away at this short notice isn't an option and it's not like the ex will pay, he won't even buy the DC a new coat.

OP posts:
LoreleisSecret · 04/12/2013 14:51

You have made your mind up already OP. This thread is a waste of time. You are clearly still caught up on your ex and not over the way things ended. You are bitter about his relationship with your son and resentful about your new found single mum status.

Original poster
jayjay2210 · 04/12/2013 14:54

I think you will find that I left, I ended the relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
jayjay2210 · 04/12/2013 14:58

I actually started this post to find out what people would do in my position, not to get personally attacked. The information I have given is fair, i've not embellished or slated my DC father just said what has been going on.

OP posts:
LoreleisSecret · 04/12/2013 15:03

You are not being personally attacked.

I would not let my 3 year old go but, it is clear that the issue you have is your Ex's and new wife's relationship rather than the 'risks' of your son taking the trip!

sparklysilversequins · 04/12/2013 15:03

Utter crap lorele.

OP you've had some good advice, I would leave this thread now. Some people get very hysterical about weddings and this is just more of the same. Your ds will neither know or care that he didn't go and your ex sounds like a tool. Your concerns make sense and many of us agree with you. Smile

BrainSurgeon · 04/12/2013 15:12

OP you sound like you put up with a lot from your Ex Hmm
I would absolutely not let my 3yo go that far away from me for 4 days with people he doesn't know, and without me being comfortable with all the details of his care.

Hissy · 04/12/2013 15:41

NO-ONE gets to tell me that the arrangements for my son are NONE of my business.

Any decent, respectable, responsible parent would be upfront with the arrangements. it sounds like the father here has given NO regard for arrangements for his son's care, and bearing in mind that he's the GROOM, it would be logical to expect that he WILL be a tad busy on the day.

Think about it, if any one of us were to offer to take a child for even an afternoon outing, we'd give the parent more reassurance than 'None of Your Business'

The LEAST a co-parent can do is to share what has been considered/arranged.

I'm willing to bet that he hasn't made ANY allowance/arrangement for the care of his son. If he wants to take such a young child so far away from his mother for so long, damned right he needs to show due consideration and planning.

wishingforwillpower · 04/12/2013 17:07

OP I hope you can ignore some of the nonsense on this thread, some people seem determined to play devil's advocate and ignore the facts you have provided. There is nothing here to suggest you are bitter, jealous or controlling. As I said earlier and many others have too, there is no way my DC would be going to this. - it is just not on to take him away at short notice for four days to a new environment with no assurances about how he will be cared for and by who. Your ex sounds childish and irresponsible.

intitgrand · 04/12/2013 17:29

Why does the OP get to decide whether he goes.Her ex is just as much her DS's parent as she is.

cricketballs · 04/12/2013 17:38

because intitgradn this is MN and therefore all ex P are evil and have no clue about their children, are not allowed an opinion on their children and must bow to their ex wifes as they are the only one who is allowed to make a decision Hmm

sparklysilversequins · 04/12/2013 17:39

Who will be caring for him for four days?
Where will they be staying?
Who will take care of him while his Dad is fulfilling his role of being the groom.
What does she need to pack for him, what will he be doing?

The ex seems to think that this is none of the OP's business and refuses to discuss it with her, he also hands his child over to his mother on his weekend contact and seemingly makes no contribution to his care either financial or physical. Would you really be happy to hand your child over in this situation because I certainly wouldn't.

OhMerGerd · 04/12/2013 19:10

Good heavens. There is a lot of bitterness here. Of course the OP should not send her son unless she gets a satisfactory response regarding his care and welfare however it does not help anyone least of all her DS if what is obviously a difficult split all round becomes even more acrimonious.

These things are never easy and unless the Ex P is violent or abusive the next 18 or so years of OP's life is going to involve much compromise and biting of tongue as she supports her DS in having a relationship with his father. Always best to start as you mean to go on.

ExP sounds as if he is not over the relationship and his responses are emotional. If the OP can be 'grown up' and separate her emotions from the current events she will be giving her DS the best chance of for the future.