HELP!! Ex remarriage- impartial advice please!!

[jayjay2210]

Just some impartial advice please!!

(Back story)Hi myself and ex split in July after over 5 years together, we have beautiful son who is three. The relationship was on the rocks for a couple of years and I decided to leave. He doesn't contribute financially even though he has a thriving business which we set up together, and I never made any claim towards the house (he owned it before we got together) I also left him pretty much everything and am in a load of debt because of it.

When I left I was bombarded with calls, texts and him turning up at more door crying, one time I had to call the police. He found out that I had a little drunken kiss so two days later he signed up to internet dating and met a girl (Beginning of August). 4 weeks later they are engaged and living together. I'm not jealous and I have my own wonderful relationship, the thing that concerns me is that our child is not being taken into consideration, He sleeps over 1/2 nights a week and I don't have a clue who this woman is. He hasn't weaned my little one in terms of getting to know this person and quite often cries about Daddy and (x) kissing, it must be confusing because literally 6 weeks before that was mummy and daddy. My ex didn't inform me about his relationship or the fact she had moved in. Now my ex has just called me and said next week he is getting married it's only been 5 months this seem ridiculous. The wedding is in Scotland (240 miles away, over 4 hours drive) obviously I'm not invited, and there is nobody mutual going who I trust, in fact he gave very vague details. The weeding is mid-week which means my little one would be missing 3 days of nursery (lots of trouble with a previous nursery just got settled into his new one)

Should I let my little one go? My gut says NO WAY!

oh and just got a letter from the nursery saying the little one has a Christmas concert on one of the days his dad wants to take him out of nursery.

Also I don't know if this has a baring on your opinions but his first date was where he purposed to me and was known as "our" place. We regularly took trips there when we were happy and if anyone mentioned the place they would automatically look at us. I find this a bit strange. Also my little one keeps coming home with "catchphrases" me and my ex exclusively used as an "in joke" when we first got together and now he must be using them with his new partner... i find it strange, it's as though he is emulating our relationship with his new girlfriend. myself and my current partner have a totally different relationship and are creating our own new memories it would feel really bizarre to start using things from any of my previous relationships in a new one. It's all a bit odd if you ask me!

So is ok for you to start a new relationship but not him?

Poor kid

It seems like 5 minutes after his parents split up, they're both dating.

No, I don't think I'd let him go to the wedding as it's so far.

But you've both rushed into relationships instead of concentrating on your child.

"Legally I would seek some advice to protect your son from a situation that moving way to fast for him." Legally there is nothing the op can do about this. The parents are separated, in new relationships, they have a right to progress in those relationships as fast as they like, and while this may be all a bit fast for the children involved, at the end of the day, who should have the right to decide how slowly a relationship should be allowed to progress?

As for not letting him go to the wedding, unless he is abusive or neglectful which judging by the fact he has contact does not appear to be the case, you have to let him go. It all being too soon is no reason to prevent your ds going - your ds not going isn't going to change the fact, they will still be getting married, and it will still be now, and instead of your ds being there he will be with you when they come back married - iyswim.

It does sound as if he has got together with this woman on the rebound, but tbh none of us can ever really judge what goes on in other people's relationships. It may be all too soon and a carcrash waiting to happen, but equally they might be married for the next 50 years - it's impossible to know at this stage.

Erm no from me! They will be in new marriage bliss, who will be looking after your son whilst they are wanting to do what newly married couples want to do..?

Could you go to Scotland too, obviously not to the actual wedding, but be there to drop your son to the wedding and pick him up after?
I know I wouldn't want to do this, but may be worth considering?

Your ex is on the re-bound big time.. Feel for his bride to be as well as you & your ds.

I wouldn't allow ds to wedding either as I think the only memorable thing about it will be how short lived the marriage will be & exp should be contributing to his son financially too

Have you asked your Ex who will be looking after your DS at the wedding? It has to be someone other than him because he'll be too busy getting married and enjoying time with his new wife. If he can't come up with a satisfactory solution to that question then don't send him.

You can't send such a small child 250 miles away without someone reliable and familiar who will take full responsibility of him 24 hours a day.

You can't judge his relationship - you are in a relationship as well. Nor is it reasonable to stop your DS going to his father's wedding. A few too many references on the the thread to your DS being 'yours'. He is part of his Dad's life as well. He spends 1/2 nights with his Dad every week, he is concerned and confused over his Dad's relationship; he will doubtless me even more concerned and confused if you make it absolutely clear you do not approve of the new relationship. It is only three days nursery - let him go and bite your tongue. 20 years down the line you do not want to be the one still being blamed for not letting him go to his own dad's wedding.
Oh - and the CSA things needs sorting. Ex needs to pull his finger out and get contributing. Even though you left him, requirement to support is still there.

it is his DS as well - you have no grounds to stop him attending the wedding no matter what your feelings are. As another poster pointed out if he stopped your DS attending your wedding you wouldn't put up with it so you need to trust that if he wants DS to attend he will make the arrangements for him

I remained single for 4 months and wasn't on the look out at all. I understand that relationships happen, but not to the detriment of our child.

When I see my OH it is only on the days his dad has him, and they've only met once as mentioned before at a play area which my one would have been oblivious to a "relationship". They won't be crossing paths (unless in a mutual ground) for a few months yet.

I have constantly been reasonable, but have never been treated the same. Why should I be reasonable yet again to entertain what he wants.

So you've been with your OH for a short time, and introduced your son, and your gripe is, your ex introduced him too soon.

so, how many people here would be happy if their ex's said no to their kids attending their weddings? How many people would feel ok about their ex's texting to clarify arrangements for how their child was to be looked after?

People may not agree with what the op's ex is doing but he is the child's parent just as much as the op is. Unless there is a history of abuse or neglect they are equal parents and the one is not accountable to the other for the arrangements during their own contact time.

This is the downside of separating from your child's father - they do things with your children you might not agree with and you have no say in the matter. And likewise they may not always agree with the way you do things and equally they have no say in the matter.

Put your X's dodgy rebound judgment aside, how would you feel if your X stopped your ds coming to your wedding?

The acid test is what's best for ds. Yes, short term going may be unsettling, he'll miss nursery, he'll be tired etc but long term if he doesn't go the emotional backlash could be worse for both you.

Imagine when he's 15 and argumentative and playing you off against his df.
"Why did you ban me from my dad's wedding? You never wanted me to have a relationship with him. You were jealous of my dsm."

Unfair, yes, but you probably need to be the bigger party here.

You need to get over yourself your son is his as much as yours. How would you like it if he started getting involved and trying to withhold contact because he didn't like something in your relationship.

I agree with wannaBe. I also don't see how you can criticise him when you have been with your boyfriend a month and he has already met your son.

I think he should go. The fact he is marrying quickly has no baring on this.
He is his son, he should go to the wedding. It doesn't matter if he misses a concert he won't remember that, but he will remember being told that YOU prevented him from going to his dad's wedding
It will bite you in the bum if you don't let him go.

We've been together just over a month and like I said it was mutual ground and were not tactile at all. From ds eyes it's mummys friend.

Within the same period he was moved in and engaged??

If you read my original post, the circumstances are very different. Everything I do I consider our child, and keep my personal life separate from my "mother" life if that makes sense.

WhereYouLeftIt - that is pure genius!

Leaving aside the mind-game part of it, if you're going to allow your son to attend (and that would be the right thing to do), sorting out the logistics will be far easier in a face to face situation than with a string of texts and emails between various people. If he hasn't considered who will be taking responsibility for a three year old while he's concentrating on getting married, it's about time he did.

I really think you should let your child go to his dads wedding. I bet you would be devastated if he couldn't come to your wedding.

Wow I think I broke my own record for x-posts!

But he is his Dad, who is obviously trustworthy enough to have regular overnight contact. The fact that you don't approve of his timescale is irrelevant, as is the fact that you feel you have handled your new relationship better. He is still his parent too.

op this is not a contest. This is not about who is most reasonable and stamping your foot because you're the one doing the accommodating.

And just because you introduced your OH as mummy's friend in a park after a month doesn't mean you introduced him any less quickly than your ex did.

Tbh it sounds to me as if you're jealous of your ex and his new relationship. Because if you believed, genuinely believed that introducing someone new so quickly was wrong then you wouldn't have done it yourself, even on mutual ground.

I think the fact that I have not said about his relationship, and my son does still stay shows that although odd I accepted x has a right to his own life, and never dictated about that and the fact she moved in after a month (not fair on dc in my eyes)

But 4 hours away for 3 days for a relationship that lacks any consideration for our child is too much for me!

It's silly but why should dc miss his first ever xmas play for something that is so rushed and quite obviously hedonism at its worst.

well to be a little bit blunt - three year old's Christmas plays are bloody dull anyway. and they won't remember them - honest. you will though - for all the wrong reasons.

And tbh, if your ex and his dp stay together, it's unlikely your three year old will remember much of how quickly they got together either.

Fwiw my ds was introduced to my dp early into our relationship. Not by me but by my ex who instigated an introduction and then told me that if I didn't tell ds we were together he would, so left me no choice. And he is eleven so has far greater understanding.

It's not how quickly they get together that is so much the issue but what happens with the relationship from here on in which will form your ds' ultimate view as he grows up.

There's an easy way to check if its mind games or not. To marry in Scotland, your ex has to register his intent to marry elsewhere with either his local church (if church wedding) or registry office. They should have it on record so that anyone can check should they wish to object.

If its a church, then except in exceptional circumstances like good PR on don't tell the bride, you have to have 4weeks of your banns being read. The registry office needs 15days notification, after which, they may get married either at the office or a location with a registrar. Check tomorrow, then invite them onto neutral territory to talk through the logistics of looking after DS during the ceremony by someone who knows him, find out where he will be staying over the three days and who will look after him, especially on the wedding night.

And tell your ex that as he's disrupting his nursery and you cannot get holiday booked at such short notice, he must pay for the nursery fees (before he leaves) for the days missed.

It's all a bit ridiculous really!

I just called my ex to find out more about arrangements and he said it's none of my business.