HELP!! Ex remarriage- impartial advice please!!

[jayjay2210]

Just some impartial advice please!!

(Back story)Hi myself and ex split in July after over 5 years together, we have beautiful son who is three. The relationship was on the rocks for a couple of years and I decided to leave. He doesn't contribute financially even though he has a thriving business which we set up together, and I never made any claim towards the house (he owned it before we got together) I also left him pretty much everything and am in a load of debt because of it.

When I left I was bombarded with calls, texts and him turning up at more door crying, one time I had to call the police. He found out that I had a little drunken kiss so two days later he signed up to internet dating and met a girl (Beginning of August). 4 weeks later they are engaged and living together. I'm not jealous and I have my own wonderful relationship, the thing that concerns me is that our child is not being taken into consideration, He sleeps over 1/2 nights a week and I don't have a clue who this woman is. He hasn't weaned my little one in terms of getting to know this person and quite often cries about Daddy and (x) kissing, it must be confusing because literally 6 weeks before that was mummy and daddy. My ex didn't inform me about his relationship or the fact she had moved in. Now my ex has just called me and said next week he is getting married it's only been 5 months this seem ridiculous. The wedding is in Scotland (240 miles away, over 4 hours drive) obviously I'm not invited, and there is nobody mutual going who I trust, in fact he gave very vague details. The weeding is mid-week which means my little one would be missing 3 days of nursery (lots of trouble with a previous nursery just got settled into his new one)

Should I let my little one go? My gut says NO WAY!

oh and just got a letter from the nursery saying the little one has a Christmas concert on one of the days his dad wants to take him out of nursery.

Also I don't know if this has a baring on your opinions but his first date was where he purposed to me and was known as "our" place. We regularly took trips there when we were happy and if anyone mentioned the place they would automatically look at us. I find this a bit strange. Also my little one keeps coming home with "catchphrases" me and my ex exclusively used as an "in joke" when we first got together and now he must be using them with his new partner... i find it strange, it's as though he is emulating our relationship with his new girlfriend. myself and my current partner have a totally different relationship and are creating our own new memories it would feel really bizarre to start using things from any of my previous relationships in a new one. It's all a bit odd if you ask me!

CRICKETBALLS previous comment:

How can I trust someone who isn't mature enough to sit at a table and have an adult discussion, not just about the wedding but general parenting in regards to diet and routine, which wouldn't all be on my terms by the way but mutually agreed to maintain consistency? For example my dc is toilet trained, and no longer wears a nappy at night, but when at daddys he does

having a child is a shared responsibility no matter who has them at any given time. If my ex has an opinion I certainly take it into consideration and respect his ideas as a Father, why should I not expect the same?

jay - would you expect to have to discuss all your decisions with your ex or do you expect him to take them as the rules? Whilst I am not in any way saying that your opinions don't count - you seem to have forgotten that his does - just because you don't agree with them doesn't mean they are any less valid.

my answers to another comment on here
Who will be caring for him for four days? his family - just because they aren't the ops doesn't make them less
Where will they be staying? Would you expect the op to tell exP when/where she takes her DS if they go away?
Who will take care of him while his Dad is fulfilling his role of being the groom. I'm guessing that the GP will (given that he seems to spend time with them anyway)...
What does she need to pack for him, what will he be doing? Scotland, this time of year - a lot of jumpers!

would you be happy if your ex questioned every decision you were making if you were getting married - my guess is that is that you would say its not his business and he should trust you were doing the right thing for your DS - so you should offer him (no matter the bad feelings between you as a couple) the same

Cricket..

you are picking and choosing from the information, there is no point conversing with somebody in a bubble of self-righteousness.

Actually read what I put. "Rules" as you say I'M setting, I actually said that it would be mutually agreed to remain consistent; something a 3 year old needs. Plus I have always had our dc full time so surely I'd know a thing or 2?

As for exp parents, ds hasn't spent much time with them, and his side are "drinkers". It's not like it's a day trip it's; 3 days 4 hours away, if I was going away of course i'd talk to the exp about it.

Her ex is just as much her DS's parent as she is.

Sure he is, if you don't count not contributing a penny for his upkeep, or making any kind of effort to keep him apart from all the relationship stuff - or did you not notice that he is the one making a big show of his new relationship with PDA's which confuse the child, as opposed to the mother having introduced her new partner in a low key way, as a friend? Being a parent requires quite a lot more than what he is doing.

HALLELUJAH!!! MadAsFish!!!

Finally someone who isn't so blinded by "Fathers Rights" and actually thinks about what the Father does. The same would apply if it was the other way round.

Pro-Being a good responsible parent; not pro-mum/dad.

FWIW I think your ex is using this woman to try and get at you through your son. I notice you said your son was upset about them kissing etc... and making a show of the relationship in front of him.

I don't think he's thinking about his son's best interests at the minute and I'd be annoyed too.

In your position in these circumstances my child wouldn't be going to the wedding - assuming it even takes place.

Thank-you!!!!!!!!!!!!

It actually doesn't matter what people think in terms of how I feel about the exp. It's how he is treating hos son that is my gripe!!!

I wouldn't let him go, and I'd be chasing child support.

So what you really wanted from this thread was for everyone to agree with you. Your first post was all about his new relationship and once people pointed out you were being very hypocritical then suddenly you're concerned about the travel arrangements. sound to me like you're trying to punish your ex for moving on to quickly for your liking. This will only hurt your son in thelong run. If he said he was taking him on holiday to Scotland I doubt you would be kicking up as much fuss about it. You will do what you want anyway but you need to grow up and quickly. Decision you make now will set the whole tone of your co parenting relationship. Is better for the kids if it's amicable.

jayjay

I can not believe some of the comments on this thread. Paying maintenance does not = access to the child. They are supposed to be separate issues. The child still needs clothes and food whether he is seeing the other parent or not.

However, you can't afford to get your DS there so daddy will have to pay.

You obviously will not be going to the wedding so unless he is prepared to tell you arrangements for your son, he will be able to go. Someone needs to take him to the wedding, look after him while he is there and return him to you. How is that going to happen?

You need to sort this as it is not fair for the nursery to be left without Joseph, a King, etc if your son is suddenly not there and it is doubly unfair to let him get all excited about the play if he then is not in it.

Your ex is playing a daddy card while not actually giving a shit the rest of the time while taking advantage of your playing fair as he knows you will not let your son suffer.

Your son will not suffer if he does not go to this wedding but he might be sad if he misses his nativity. He may suffer if he does go to the wedding if he is not with someone who loves and cares about him.

Where he has met your boyfriend casually it is not the same as he has seen his daddy kissing another woman and appears to be unsettled by it .

FFS, Jumping.

Let's take the heat out of it, a bit, and imagine the OP's EX is not the groom, but the best man.

So, he is required to be with the groom before the wedding, during photos, during the meal, during the speeches etc., and will not also be able to look after his son. His new partner is (let's pretend) a bridesmaid, and also cannot be on childcare duty.

So, would it not be reasonable for the OP to be able to speak to whoever the carer would be to let them know his food preferences, sleeping patterns, toilet needs, etc.?

I think the background information about the relationship is relevant, because it shows that the EX is not really behaving responsibly around his son at the moment, and explains why the OP doesn't implicitly trust him, even though he is the child's father.

Anyhoo, OP, I think you need to email your EX. Make it clear you are not trying to stop your DS from attending the wedding, but letting him know that you need to be able to hand him over to the person who will be looking after him, and discuss his various needs with them.

I think OhMerGerd's advice has been very good.

Exactly!

If this man was taking his son on Holiday, short of contact details and location, the other parent wouldn't need much more info unless there are specific needs involved. As long as he has demonstrated that he IS capable of handing a small child far away from his mum for a few days.

If not, then there could and should be steps taken to get the child used to the distance, trial periods etc. All surmountable if willing is there.

That's NOT the case here at all.

This man is THE GROOM, he will be busy. The other person in his union is THE BRIDE, also busy. there is no strong connection with his family, so no assumption possible that other family members that the child will be comfortable with will even be present.

The question 'Who is there to look after our small child' is very pertinent indeed.

ADD to this that the man in question is not paying a bean, has not offered to pay for any expenses relating to the child. He sees no need to provide anything at all for his child, but wants seemingly to have him appear at his wedding.

ADD further that there is no knowledge of the couple, aside from the boy's distress, and their inability to provide basic care (nappies when none are needed)

Then when asked for basic details of what's what told that it's none of her business?

The OP has every right to be nervous. given that, why on earth would she gaily hand her child over?

NO responsible parent would.

I wanted opinions, not personal attacks and self righteous idiots that only consume parts of what I have said. I can't actually appreciate anything certain people say because they have totally misread a vast amount of what i've said.

There are some people who have said my DS should go that have had valid points and not resorted to personal digs.

Jay jay - I think your ex is intentionally withholding info so he can look like the victim and say evil jay jay wouldn't let ds come. He is undoubtedly painting himself as the poor controlled dh to his new partner And his is a demonstration of how he is right.

I don't understand some of the responses here.

Take all the 'emotional' stuff away and it comes down to him taking your son away without telling you the care arrangements when he will not be able to fulfil them him self. On no planet whether cs was being paid or not would I allow ds to go under these circumstances. Fwiw I would extend the same courtesy to ex dh when I was taking child away also.

I would put in writing why it is your business and the details you need to know and insist on written communication so you hve a record of what's discussed. If he provides adequate details then ds would go. If not then he wouldn't. Simple , his choice.

I don't see anything on here that suggests you are controlling and jealous.

Also off topic but if he does go I would be insisting he slept with another adult in a different room. Given their inappropriate PDA 's in front of child at such an early stage which have upset him I would not be happy with ds staying in the bridal suite. I'm sure plenty will jump on this comment and disagree.

He is only 3 so need to be very clear on how he will be cares for, including who will look after him at wedding and babysitting. Think you have to let him go but need reassurance on arrangements. Re: money - why on earth not pushing him for money? And why didn't you claim on house?