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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to be a fun weekend mum?

127 replies

BadSeedsAddict · 03/12/2013 08:05

Have been in an EA relationship for nine years and had three children. Very soon after my marriage ended, I met up with someone I knew a long time ago and realised we get on brilliantly. Currently, I have the house (rented) and the children all week, and ex comes to stay at weekends while I go and stay with my new...boyfriend I suppose, although I feel too old to use that word!
Ex has been very upset at having had his security taken away. He stays with a friend during the week but this isn't a permanent arrangement so he is very concerned about having a definite place to live. He is very rules- and routine- oriented, whereas I am the opposite. He has been very distressed to have lost control over his environment (probable has autistic traits if not mild asperger's, gets very upset when things don't go as planned etc).I have always been the one to take the kids out and do things with them, while he is better at getting homework done and so on.
He is much more possession-oriented, while I genuinely could abandon most of my possessions (there is very little belonging to me in the house, and ex has a LOT of stuff). He's a great dad, and is in between jobs after studying full time. I don't have a job currently either but am keen to work and possibly retrain.
So; would I be stupid to tell him he can keep the house and have the children through the week, while I stay with New Bloke, get a job, and be the fun mum who gets to do stuff with the kids at the weekend? (Obviously I say 'fun mum' in a very flippant way!). I think it would fix the problems between me and the ex as most of them are down to me having removed his security and routine. Can anyone see any obvious flaws in this? Has anyone done it themselves?

OP posts:

Binkyridesagain · 03/12/2013 08:09

How will this affect the children?

ssd · 03/12/2013 08:09

why do you only want to see your kids 2 days a week?

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 03/12/2013 08:12

Tbh I think an EA man having main parental responsibility would be damaging to your dcs.

T100 · 03/12/2013 08:14

Would you really only be happy seeing your children for 2 days a week? How would they feel about this?

T100 · 03/12/2013 08:16

Also what if things don't work out with your new boyfriend? Where does that leave you accommodation wise?

Original poster

BadSeedsAddict · 03/12/2013 08:16

I don't; I would much rather see them full time, as would he. Unfortunately, neither of us will get to do this now. But currently the arrangement is that he gets all the nice weekend time, and I get the school runs, and after school tired-and-grumpiness. We couldn't have gone on like that anyway. I think if he wasn't resentful and I was building my confidence, we might be able to work it so that we shared care pretty equally and stopped bickering as we are doing now. Which is just horrible for the kids.

OP posts:

TicTacZebra · 03/12/2013 08:17

If it wasn't for the fact of you ex being EA, I'd say why not? But why would you want an EA man to be the main career of your children?

Delilahlilah · 03/12/2013 08:17

Ssd - while I take your point, weekends would probably give her more time in total than she currently gets. I don't think I could do this op, but it may work for you. If you were to be there fri evening to Monday morning it is pretty much 50/50 anyway. Worth considering, if you were a father rather than mother, no-one would bat an eyelid.

Binkyridesagain · 03/12/2013 08:21

The DCs have lied through your marriage with an EA man, they have lived through your divorce, they are now living through the both of you bickering and now you are thinking of leaving them to live with someone else and their EA father move back in with them.

You are thinking of leaving because your EAex is upset because his security has been removed. What about your childrens security?

ssd · 03/12/2013 08:21

I think the mum here is thinking of what would be easier for her rather than what would be best for the kids.

Original poster

BadSeedsAddict · 03/12/2013 08:23

He's been EA towards me; he isn't like it with the DCs. It's very much down to the fact that I have ADD and am forgetful and impulsive. He has always sought to control me in order to feel safe. He will need to see the DCs as much as possible anyway and I would hope that removing the stress, and giving him security, would mean they had a much happier time with him. He is a great dad. I would be able to see them as much as I liked, and it might help us be around them at the same time.
If the new relationship broke down, I would be fine; I have friends who would happily have me there until I got a new place to stay. I drive, and he doesn't, but he would have support from his mum and we already have various car pool arrangements.

OP posts:

samandi · 03/12/2013 08:23

Maybe your new boyfriend doesn't want to spend every weekend with three kids?

Famzilla · 03/12/2013 08:24

I think leaving an EA man in sole charge of your children for the majority of their lives so you can shack up with your new bloke/get a nice career/ whatever is incredibly selfish.

However, if he wasn't actually EA I'd say why not.

Original poster

BadSeedsAddict · 03/12/2013 08:27

He really is just EA towards me, and i is because I make him feel unsafe. He's very keen to coparent despite being separated; so far his stress has been affecting both of us. I would actually be getting a great deal out of this as I would be able to take the kids out and generally have a good time with them, as well as taking them to hobbies etc.

OP posts:

Binkyridesagain · 03/12/2013 08:30

I will repeat again. What about the DCs?

no where on your posts have you considered the emotional well being of your DCs if you carry out this plan.

difficultpickle · 03/12/2013 08:31

I know someone who splits alternate weeks with her ex. Dcs spend a week at hers and the next week at his. They live about 10 miles apart and the dcs school is in the middle. Seems to work very well for the dcs and them. Is that something you could do?

Original poster

BadSeedsAddict · 03/12/2013 08:31

I would probably be able to stay in the house with the kids anyway, new bloke doesn't even need to meet them until everybody's happy it's right for them to do so. Things would change as and when needed. I can't stop ex from seeing the kids and feel his EA is down to a need to control his environment. If he seemed to be affecting the kids with it I would have limited access anyway, because I wouldn't have allowed my kids to go through that.

OP posts:

FragglerockAmpersand · 03/12/2013 08:31

Assuming the children would benefit equally spending the majority of their time either with you or their father, why not? I find the general assumption that a mother could not possibly only see her children at weekends, whilst a father of course would be fine with this, a little troubling.

However, you would be being very unreasonable if you were thinking of doing this purely for your benefit (and based on the above I'd have my doubts).

FlipFlippingFlippers · 03/12/2013 08:35

My dstd's mum has this. They don't have a very close relationship as weekends are filled seeing other family, dstd tidying her room which she's not been in all week whilst they do housework. Personally I'd rather do the day to day stuff rather than being a bit Disney at weekends. Can you not have a weekend day each and split the week?

Original poster

BadSeedsAddict · 03/12/2013 08:36

Kids adore their dad, Binky. They miss him when he's not there, especially the oldest one. He does lots of crafts and games with them and talks to them every night he's not with them. He asks me about all major and some minor decisions regarding them. I wouldn't be abandoning the kids; just the house, and even then if I can be ok with being around my ex, I will be ok to stay at the house at weekends. The reason I'm posting is because I know friends and family will be horrified I'd be giving up the house. I don't care about the house (which is rented anyway); I want to have good quality time with my children, and I think this might be the best way to do it.

OP posts:

FuckyNell · 03/12/2013 08:38

No no no. You've had your head turned by your new bloke and you're not thinking straight. Wake up!!!!

NotYouNaanBread · 03/12/2013 08:39

If your ex is so concerned about routine and security, then he should rent a stable home of his own, and you should split residence 3.5/3.5 days, rather than the lopsided 5/2 arrangement you have at the moment.

You say that your ex was made very anxious by your flightiness - to be honest, I can see his point if your solution to the current state of affairs is to leave your home & children to live with your new boyfriend in order to give "stability" to your ex and his emotional problems.

Stay in your home, tell your ex he has to find a suitable & permanent home fitted to his duties as a father, and change custody to 50/50.

Binkyridesagain · 03/12/2013 08:39

I don't doubt that they love their dad very much.

I don't think you have thought this through in regards to how this will effect your DCs, they have already been through so much, including witnessing the EA you received, and you are now considering turning their world upside down again.

Original poster

BadSeedsAddict · 03/12/2013 08:41

Does it really seem like I'm doing this for selfish reasons? I think it could allow me to generate financial security for the kids, and as I've already said, ex is much better at routines than me. I'm not just gallivanting off to have a lovely time with my new man! I feel like I'm doing that at weekends already, and I hate it. I'd actually be working, and if ex wanted time at weekends then we could talk about it. We might even be able to split time so that kids were getting some one-to-one with a parent, which can't happen with the current arrangement and is hugely beneficial to them.

OP posts:

SecondStarToTheRight · 03/12/2013 08:48

Could you not do:
Week 1 - you mon-fri, him weekend
Week 2 - him mon - fri, you weekend....

You would then each have 7 days straight with them.
Best of both worlds?

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