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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to be a fun weekend mum?

127 replies

BadSeedsAddict · 03/12/2013 08:05

Have been in an EA relationship for nine years and had three children. Very soon after my marriage ended, I met up with someone I knew a long time ago and realised we get on brilliantly. Currently, I have the house (rented) and the children all week, and ex comes to stay at weekends while I go and stay with my new...boyfriend I suppose, although I feel too old to use that word!
Ex has been very upset at having had his security taken away. He stays with a friend during the week but this isn't a permanent arrangement so he is very concerned about having a definite place to live. He is very rules- and routine- oriented, whereas I am the opposite. He has been very distressed to have lost control over his environment (probable has autistic traits if not mild asperger's, gets very upset when things don't go as planned etc).I have always been the one to take the kids out and do things with them, while he is better at getting homework done and so on.
He is much more possession-oriented, while I genuinely could abandon most of my possessions (there is very little belonging to me in the house, and ex has a LOT of stuff). He's a great dad, and is in between jobs after studying full time. I don't have a job currently either but am keen to work and possibly retrain.
So; would I be stupid to tell him he can keep the house and have the children through the week, while I stay with New Bloke, get a job, and be the fun mum who gets to do stuff with the kids at the weekend? (Obviously I say 'fun mum' in a very flippant way!). I think it would fix the problems between me and the ex as most of them are down to me having removed his security and routine. Can anyone see any obvious flaws in this? Has anyone done it themselves?

OP posts:

MrsMoon76 · 03/12/2013 11:28

His security and stability is not your responsibility. You had to end the relationship due to his EA of you - you keep talking about how this will help him. This is not your concern. He needs to be the one responsible for looking after his own mental health and he must realise there is a serious issue if it drove you to end the marriage. Do not give up your family home and your own security to fix him. This will not work.

All that will happen is that you kick the can down the road until the lids are older and push against his controlling ways - then who will be facing the EA and at that point it could be very difficult for you to gain control to assist the children.

formerbabe · 03/12/2013 11:56

I actually said they are both responsible for providing their kids with rules/routine/discipline as well as all the fun bits of being a parent. I honestly can't understand either parent thinking its OK to just do the fun bits and relinquish the rest...either mum or dad. Like many other posters have said, I think the OP wants to spend more time with her boyfriend and is trying to find ways to justify it.

madmomma · 03/12/2013 12:04

I think what you're suggesting sounds perfectly reasonable OP. I wish when my parents had split up my Mum had left us living with my Dad. Not that I didn't love my Mum, but I would've rather have stayed put and had my Mum left us in the original family home. I think we would have been closer that way actually.

barnet · 03/12/2013 12:15

You have to decide whether the DCs father can care for them properly. but apart from that, it sounds a good idea to me. The kids don't have to be the ones uprooting themselves every week, they have the stability of the home, with the parent in charge changing every so often.

The only thing is, where will DCs father dissappear to every w/e? He can't be there with you, then things will be how they were before you split.

Original poster

BadSeedsAddict · 03/12/2013 12:46

Their father can absolutely look after them and does so each weekend at the moment. We have tried to keep things the same as much as possible. He can go to his mum's at the weekend and as I have said, we may be able to work some one-to-one time for each child into the arrangement which would be great. It wouldn't actually be the case that I was a fun weekend mum; I'd be available when needed and would have equal time with the kids, who are at school 9 til 3.30 anyway. He was EA with me because of our differences. If he was EA with the kids - who by the way already answer back, etc - he wouldn't be allowed near them, to whatever extent I could manage it. As to the house - if I want to keep the house, it's already paid for by housing benefit. I want to work but will struggle to get anything decent between school runs, and still pay for everything. It's half an hour's drive to the nearest town. If I can work through the week, I can save and hopefully provide better for my kids down the line.

OP posts:

apocketfulofposy · 03/12/2013 12:58

I am reading it that the op will stay with the new man during the week then go back to stay with the kids and ex partner at weekends?So its not like they will be lumped with the new boyfriend (or him with them)

If you think the kids will be ok with it,and the dad can cope,you think you can cope not seeing them all week,then i dont see the problem,its not something i would want to do (but my kids are all still tiny).

Also i havnt seen any posts saying "what!your exh only sees the kid 2 days a week,why?" but i have seen plenty saying the oppositeseems unfair and sexist to me.

T100 · 03/12/2013 13:14

Yes but apocket op said ex would like to see dc everyday whereas op only wants them for 2 fun days. There's a difference

jacks365 · 03/12/2013 13:21

My concerns are that although this sounds good right now what about the future? What if your ex gets a serious girlfriend and they move in together, she wouldn't want you around all weekend I'd guess nor want to move out of her home for the weekend. So what happens then.

Do you believe that changing the status quo would be easy at that point? Your ex would have residency and you'd need a court order to change it, you couldn't just decide it wasn't right and move back in and throw him out. Think long and hard and take independent legal advice before you do anything

cls77 · 03/12/2013 13:37

Why dont you get a job whilst theyre at school then? You can procide and ?save for them that way (incidentally, if you know of a job going that enables mums to save as well as provide for their family, let us know )

Original poster

BadSeedsAddict · 03/12/2013 13:50

Jacks, that's what I need to work out and we need to draw up a mediation agreement. Neither of us know what circumstances might arise and we need to be prepared to be flexible. I wouldn't just be couchsurfing, as someone said; I'd be putting money aside for somewhere to actually have the DCs if it seemed that wouldn't be disruptive to them, at whatever point. And I really should have titled this thread differently, shouldn't I! But all the responses have helped me think through the issues involved so thanks

OP posts:

karmakoala · 03/12/2013 20:53

I'm sorry OP but I think you're looking for reasons to dump your kids and have fun with your new man.

Nice priorities

NiceTabard · 03/12/2013 21:14

The actual plan sounds fine to me - 5 weekdays with school vs 2 whole weekend days is prob a similar amount of actual time. I also don't see that there is any reason why one parent rather than the other should do either of those periods. Doing what works is fine - irrespective of what society might say about which sex should do what.

The only worry I would have is what happens if it goes tits up with the new man - where are you going to go at weekends then?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 03/12/2013 21:21

Sorry, I can't get my head round this at all. You want to do weekends because your ex is better at dealing with the routine and drudgery of the school week? Your plans don't sound thought through at all.

puddingsforsandy · 03/12/2013 21:35

Can adults have ADD. What are the treatments and can you hold down a job with ADD? Thanks.

OddFodd · 03/12/2013 21:38

Of course adults can have ADD! It's a neurological condition and most people don't grow out of it. The treatment is usually medication.

OP - I know I've been going on at you a bit but I've read your other threads and see that this is really a pretty new relationship, you haven't been split up with your husband for long at all. Please take some time before making any rash decisions. Particularly from a legal/residency perspective. I know (my son has ADD) that impulsiveness is a really big part of who you are but please don't rush into anything.

PansOnFire · 03/12/2013 21:46

karmakola exactly this. OP, you need to rationalise your thoughts, do you have a professional who helps you to manage your ADD? If you do then you need to talk to them. Your ex needs to sort out his own accommodation then you need to sit down and work out a routine that works for the children.

Fun Aunts have the fun weekends, mums get the day to day stuff. That's just how it is; your new bf should be trying to fit into your life, not the other way round.

NicPen · 03/12/2013 21:48

I really don't think you should do this. I feel sorry for you and think you'll come to regret it and your children will suffer. You need to discuss his with your support network in real life.

Why hasn't ex moved his stuff out and into his own place? You should be able to make your home into a new home for you and your dcs and you can't do this if all his stuff is there Are you able to redecorate, buy some new furniture, pictures etc to make you home 'your home'?

I think him coming and staying at the house when it is his parenting time is fine, but he should not have left his stuff there. It sounds as if he never really planned to leave for good and always wanted you to leave. Is this correct?

How old are your dc if you were only together for 9 years?
They sound very young. Would they really be able to handle the changes and how would your ex be with them as they grow older?

NicPen · 03/12/2013 21:58

Change the days you have dc though, no weekends with you is unfair.

basgetti · 03/12/2013 22:03

You may not be able to put much money aside to save for the DCs, you do realise you will need to provide maintenance for their father?

expatinscotland · 03/12/2013 22:05

People actually think it's okay to have a man who is an abuser be the primary caregiver for 3 young children?

You need to spend more time focusing on yourself and your issues at weekends, and how you will support your kids once Income Support ends, than on yet another relationship.

expatinscotland · 03/12/2013 22:06

'You may not be able to put much money aside to save for the DCs, you do realise you will need to provide maintenance for their father?'

He will get the tax credits and child benefit and housing benefit, too, during non-term times.

expatinscotland · 03/12/2013 22:09

Your ADD comes across here as really impacting your decisions and honestly, it would be far better for you and your family, IMO, if you address this very seriously and also your potential for earning than pinging around making couch surfing plans.

basgetti · 03/12/2013 22:11

Good point expat. OP why don't you alternate weekends so that you each get 'fun time'? And why are you making your vulnerable children responsible for the emotional welfare of an adult man? You ended your relationship because you couldn't deal with him, but you expect your children to?

NicPen · 03/12/2013 22:13

I was thinking about this again. I think the problem is that you do not see it as your home. It sounds like your ex was more of the dominant partner in the relationship and he clearly has more stake in the home (lots of belongings still there etc).

I really think you need to get him to get his stuff out, into storage if he doesn't want to find somewhere himself. It is not fair that his stuff is still there and you need to start creating a new life for you and your dcs. Were you previously a full time sahm or did you lose your job? Is he taking job hunting seriously? I think you need to slow down and think of your dcs best interests (now and long term).

ExcitedEmmy · 03/12/2013 22:16

Not sure if it's been pointed out but it wouldn't be in your childrens best interests for them to have no leisure time with their father. If you attended mediation this would be likely to be pointed out and you'd end up with an alternate weekend contact arrangement.

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