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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to be a fun weekend mum?

127 replies

BadSeedsAddict · 03/12/2013 08:05

Have been in an EA relationship for nine years and had three children. Very soon after my marriage ended, I met up with someone I knew a long time ago and realised we get on brilliantly. Currently, I have the house (rented) and the children all week, and ex comes to stay at weekends while I go and stay with my new...boyfriend I suppose, although I feel too old to use that word!
Ex has been very upset at having had his security taken away. He stays with a friend during the week but this isn't a permanent arrangement so he is very concerned about having a definite place to live. He is very rules- and routine- oriented, whereas I am the opposite. He has been very distressed to have lost control over his environment (probable has autistic traits if not mild asperger's, gets very upset when things don't go as planned etc).I have always been the one to take the kids out and do things with them, while he is better at getting homework done and so on.
He is much more possession-oriented, while I genuinely could abandon most of my possessions (there is very little belonging to me in the house, and ex has a LOT of stuff). He's a great dad, and is in between jobs after studying full time. I don't have a job currently either but am keen to work and possibly retrain.
So; would I be stupid to tell him he can keep the house and have the children through the week, while I stay with New Bloke, get a job, and be the fun mum who gets to do stuff with the kids at the weekend? (Obviously I say 'fun mum' in a very flippant way!). I think it would fix the problems between me and the ex as most of them are down to me having removed his security and routine. Can anyone see any obvious flaws in this? Has anyone done it themselves?

OP posts:

Dalaimama · 03/12/2013 10:03

What does EA mean??

royalmailspecialdelivery · 03/12/2013 10:10

Children can often run to and idolise the parent that scares them. They have the knowledge that you are the main parent and they can enjoy the fun things with him. Are you certain that should he be forced to do the drudgery of uniforms homework etc he wouldn't become EA?

royalmailspecialdelivery · 03/12/2013 10:11

Emotionally abusive Dalaimama

Dalaimama · 03/12/2013 10:15

Thanks!

YoucancallmeQueenBee · 03/12/2013 10:23

It sounds like neither you or your ex are thinking about any of this with your DCs best interest at the front of your minds. You seem to be both struggling over who has "control".

Can you not step back & both of you take some time to come to a solution that works well for your DCs? No knee jerk reactions, just careful consideration about what is the best for your DCs.

Original poster

BadSeedsAddict · 03/12/2013 10:24

I know from living with him for so long that he is much better at routine things than me, and if we are not living together he will be less frustrated at trying to get me to do things his way! I also feel that should there be issues regarding how strict he is with the kids, I will be better able to talk them through with them if he's not resentful and upset as he is now. I won't be restricted to weekends and can be there as and when needed; and yes I'm completely happy to do practical things, I have spent nine years doing them, I don't think I know how to stop!

OP posts:

thebody · 03/12/2013 10:25

however you dress this up, however you spin this tale it will feel to the kids and look to the world that you are leaving your kids for a new man.

NynaevesSister · 03/12/2013 10:27

Wow am I the only person who thinks you have a brilliant idea here? A good starting point at any rate.

One of the things that children of separated families find hardest is having what feels like two lives.

You and your ex have already started out well by going for the option where the kids have the home and the parents are the ones to move back and forth. Personally I think that is how it should always be and I hope you can keep it up for as long as possible.

I don't think a weekend/weekday split will work though. Your ex may not want to never have a weekend.

I think that as you have started mediation you carry on and work it out there. Your ex needs routine and rules. If the two of you can work out something and set it in place then he will know where he is and the stress will go down.

I'm with your ex I am afraid. A week each is really the best thing to do. You both also need a good break from each other. 7 days apart will do that more than 4.

But please do keep it so that the children get to stay at home. Also, going by what children say, whichever parent isn't resident should stay overnight on birthdays and Christmas so both their parents are there in the morning. They are only children for a brief time.

SoonToBeSix · 03/12/2013 10:38

This is a joke right ? What flaws are there? How about your children will feel abandoned and rightly so because you only see them at weekends so you can shack up with your new man during the week.

Original poster

BadSeedsAddict · 03/12/2013 10:41

Nynaeves - thank you! So far it seems to help that between us we have kept the routine the same as much as possible. Ex did suggest the Christmas and birthday thing but I was very uncomfortable around him at the time and found it hard - but yes if we are able to be around each other that will be so much better for the DCs. I think we would both find the week on, week off thing a bit hard to bear. I'm hoping we can figure out some weekend time for him and some midweek time for me if possible. It's not perfect but it should work quite well

OP posts:

OddFodd · 03/12/2013 10:43

I agree with thebody - your children are not going to see this as anything other than you leaving them for your boyfriend.

Why can't you get a job if you have them during the week? If your ex isn't working either then he can presumably do school runs etc if needed.

Original poster

BadSeedsAddict · 03/12/2013 10:44

Oh, and - kids wouldn't be told about the new bloke until it was decided it could be done with as little upset as possible. I wouldn't do that to them.

OP posts:

OddFodd · 03/12/2013 10:44

Brilliant - another thread where the OP asks AIBU; 99% of people say yes and 1% says no, and the OP hangs onto that one.

How about you ask your children how they'd feel about you moving out during the week before you discuss your cunning plan with your ex? You haven't considered their feelings at all from what I can see :(

formerbabe · 03/12/2013 10:48

YABU....I don't mean to sound harsh but I am really shocked! Being a mum is about being there all the time for your children. You can't have the fun bits and not the rest. It is both your responsibility to provide them with rule/routine/discipline/fun/good times. I think you are trying to justify this to yourself by saying it would benefit the children.

Original poster

BadSeedsAddict · 03/12/2013 10:52

Odd, they are quite little and at the moment I'm going out of the house weekends so they can be in the house with their dad. If they seemed upset about me not being there weeks, we would need to change the arrangement. This is about enabling us as parents to work together instead of bitching and griping at each other. Things may change anyway as kids grow up, jobs change etc. But I think instead of hanging onto the house simply because I am the mother, and enabling my ex to feel secure and be able to move on with his life, is going to help the family as a whole.

OP posts:

IComeFromALandDownUnder · 03/12/2013 10:54

I think it is a terrible idea. Your children have had enough upheaval by the sounds of it without the goal posts changing again.

You can dress it up whatever way you like but you are not doing this to make your ex or your children happy or indeed to be fun mum. You are doing it so you can spend more time with your boyfriend.

Mumsyblouse · 03/12/2013 10:56

But- I still don't get why your ex will feel secure and stable if he's in the house say 4 days midweek and has to leave at weekends. I think you are pinning your hopes on this change to stabilize him and give him routine, but it's still time away from both the home and his child and I don't see why this will work- or that it is your business to stabilize him. Your priority is the stability of the children, not your ex.

I think you are being disingenuous about whether this also benefits you. Nothing wrong if it does, but you are not doing this for your ex- why would you be so self-sacrificing for a man who EA you?

Binkyridesagain · 03/12/2013 10:56

No body needs to move anywhere in order for you as parents to work together and quit the bitching and griping.

You keep referring to your exs stability, but never have you referred to the stability of your children.

If you both considered how your actions effected your children before you did stuff, that would create a better life than rearranging living arrangements.

EweHaveGoatToBeSkiddinInSnow · 03/12/2013 10:57

FormerBabe - Do you think that being a father is about 'being there all the time for your children' too? If so, how do you feel about OP's current arrangement where she has them through the week and the ex has them at the weekend? Are neither of them proper parents because neither of them have their children 'all' the time?

My dd's at school right now. In fact, she spends 30 hours a week at school and 12-15 at after school club. So am i also not a mum because i don't see her all the time?

Sorry for being pernickety, but i do think there is still a massive inequality when it comes to people's opinions of 'mother duties' and 'father duties'. They both should be equally responsible for the children's welfare.

All the Op is doing is saying that she'd prefer to swap arrangements. No one (as far as i can see; i may be wrong) is criticising the ex for only seeing his children twice a week. So why the criticism for the OP for considering doing the same?

NynaevesSister · 03/12/2013 10:59

You haven't tried one week on/one off yet though? I think you need to give that a go.

Also glad that you are trying the birthday/Christmas thing.

To whoever mentioned it I said she was right to have the kids keep the house and the parents be the ones to move back and forth. But that she was wrong to do the weekend/weekday split.

I am surprised more people aren't happy that they are keeping routines as normal as possible for the children.

OP I think your ex is looking long term and you're not. The children are little now but as they get older your weekends will fill up with clubs and sleepovers etc.

If possible what if you two were able to have a flat nearby where you each lived on the weeks you weren't primary carers?

Original poster

BadSeedsAddict · 03/12/2013 11:01

IComeFrom - I currently have the whole weekend with my boyfriend. During the week we would both be working. So I have more time with him now, than I would have if I change this.

OP posts:

Mumsyblouse · 03/12/2013 11:01

My criticism of the Op for thinking about this is a) she wants to move out in the week and leave an EA man in charge of the children b) that she thinks this will make him happier and more stable, but I don't see the evidence of why this will work- he will still be required to move out of his house every weekend c) no-one else has been consulted or indeed seems to be pushing for this move.

I don't find it intrinsically wrong at all- but disruptive for little point (if dad had always been main carer and was going well, no need to disturb anything).

OddFodd · 03/12/2013 11:04

Ewe - I think the dad should see them more. I think they should share parenting 50/50 and especially as he isn't working, there's absolutely no reason why he only sees them at weekends.

But that's not what's being discussed here. The parents have split up fairly recently (I presume) and the children have got used to their dad moving out and only having their mum there in the week. That's a big disruption to their lives already. Switching things around is yet more disruption.

Putting this idea into practice and then stopping it if the children seem upset is a disastrous plan.

Original poster

BadSeedsAddict · 03/12/2013 11:08

Mumsy - on some level we have to agree shared care arrangements. I'm not doing this for him, or for me particularly - I just want things to be settled to some degree so that any future issues have a starting point. Yes his EA behaviour has been unacceptable, but in order for me to be able to actually talk to him and work with him on anything regarding the children, he needs security. I'm not even doing it out of guilt from my ending the relationship; I just think it could work on a practical level.

OP posts:

thebody · 03/12/2013 11:25

you know what op, seems to me you are fed up with your EA controlling partner and have had enough if the day to day responsibility of parenting.

you have met a new bloke and want to leave so you are persuading yourself that it's in your children's and your ex partners best interests that you leave.

respectfully it's a pile of crap isn't it really?

the vast majority of posters are telling you this is a bad move and you ignore them or make excuses.

what will happen is you may or may not last with the new bloke. your kids will feel you abandoned them and your EA partner will transfer his abuse and control into your children as they get older with disastrous conveniences.

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