To want to be a fun weekend mum?

[BadSeedsAddict]

Have been in an EA relationship for nine years and had three children. Very soon after my marriage ended, I met up with someone I knew a long time ago and realised we get on brilliantly. Currently, I have the house (rented) and the children all week, and ex comes to stay at weekends while I go and stay with my new...boyfriend I suppose, although I feel too old to use that word!
Ex has been very upset at having had his security taken away. He stays with a friend during the week but this isn't a permanent arrangement so he is very concerned about having a definite place to live. He is very rules- and routine- oriented, whereas I am the opposite. He has been very distressed to have lost control over his environment (probable has autistic traits if not mild asperger's, gets very upset when things don't go as planned etc).I have always been the one to take the kids out and do things with them, while he is better at getting homework done and so on.
He is much more possession-oriented, while I genuinely could abandon most of my possessions (there is very little belonging to me in the house, and ex has a LOT of stuff). He's a great dad, and is in between jobs after studying full time. I don't have a job currently either but am keen to work and possibly retrain.
So; would I be stupid to tell him he can keep the house and have the children through the week, while I stay with New Bloke, get a job, and be the fun mum who gets to do stuff with the kids at the weekend? (Obviously I say 'fun mum' in a very flippant way!). I think it would fix the problems between me and the ex as most of them are down to me having removed his security and routine. Can anyone see any obvious flaws in this? Has anyone done it themselves?

This all sounds awful. It sounds like you are making an impulsive decision whereby you are leaving your young (your word) children for the majority of the week. Not sure of the legal ramifications but if you are ever seeking full custody (if your EA ex does go EA on the kids for example) I can't imagine it'll look good that you willingly left them for your boyfriend (possibly not true but it looks it from outside). You will probably not listen, you haven't to everyone else but I think you will regret this. I cannot imagine willingly choosing less time with my kids or to be the 'fun' weekend mum. It might be fun now but they will remember who actually brought them up when they are grown up.

As an aside OP, why on earth don't you give yourself and your dc time to recover before moving in with a new man you can't know very well yet?
You and your dc sound like you have been through a lot and your suggestion does sound bizarre.
Maybe long term your plan is something to aim for, but please for now concentrate on your dc, I'd even say at the cost of your new bf as if he cares, he'll wait.

do what you like op, I dont give a monkeys, you've had loads of advice here and you're still suiting yourself, good luck to you, you'll need it.

I feel for your kids though.

OP In threads you started in September, 3 months ago, you are talking about normal, loving things to do with your husband.

I'm not dismissing the EA, and it is good that you've separated if you were unhappy and/or in an abusive situation.

BUT - 3 months! And in that time you've met a new man, partially shacked up with him and are now talking about moving in with him entirely and leaving your kids behind with your abusive ex.
You have a mental health condition which predisposes you to impulsive behaviour. You really need to think about that and slow the fuck down before you completely screw your kids up - and your own life.

Alibaba - have forgotten the thread, which one was it sorry?
Things changed rapidly because I read the thread on emotional abuse and realised there was a pattern to his behaviour. Prior to that, I believed that the problems lay with me not being loving enough, or my ADD, or something else wrong with me. When I read the EA description it was like a light switching off. I had never been truly happy in the relationship but thought it was my fault for not trying hard enough.
He had been working elsewhere for the last two years and returning at weekends. So I was effectively a single parent through the week. It was coming to a point where he would be coming back to live with us full time. I had been detaching for years but when I read the EA description felt I could not carry on in the marriage. Since that point he has been panicking about where he will stay etc. Because I was leaving the house at weekends I met up with an old friend and we have formed a relationship. Even if this relationship doesn't continue, I am welcome to stay at this person's house. If there was any major problem, I could go to my dad's. I would be saving money to get a place for my DCs to stay if it seemed a better solution further down the line.
Ex is very capable of looking after the DCs and is a good dad. The EA bit affects only me and is due to the differences in our personalities. But it makes it difficult for me to deal with him one-to-one. Any decisions would go through a mediation service. The mediation service is a children's charity and as such will always seek to do things in the childrens' best interests. So I will present the idea to them and see what they think. If they think it would be detrimental to the children then another solution will be found. But I think the fact that I have considered it, even if it has been rejected by people with more experience, will help relations between myself and the ex, which is really important as it has a huge impact on the DCs. I'm absolutely not set on doing this - but I know most people will tell me to keep the house etc, thinking the kids will be more secure if the mum is at home all the time, telling me I need to keep myself safe. I just wonder if making my ex feel safer would benefit everyone in the long run and save us from resentment and anger issues. I wouldn't be losing out and yes he could have some leisure time; we might even divide kids between us at points to have one-to-one time. But I will not do any of this if mediation says it will hurt the children. It has really helped being able to talk it through on here though. And, do I still seem impulsive?

no, just self absorbed.

I wonder what your husbands take on all this is?

Self absorbed why? The alternative is for me to take all the benefits and the house, continue to not work because it would not be worth it financially, control when he sees the DCs and have to leave the house all weekend anyway. Which makes me feel like going off on a jolly, enjoying myself, which is frankly crap. Or, make him see the DCs elsewhere, where their toys/games/craft stuff is not, and stay in the house at weekends feeling like I'd thrown them all out. Ex wants the house. He has a ton of stuff in there anyway. Most of my stuff is household stuff. So I'm selfish? Or am I being a doormat? Seems like both according to peoples' comments on here. Hmm.

(I do realise now that I titled this thread provocatively, did the drip-feed thing - I think - and probably put it in the wrong section). Thanks for all replies though.

wouldnt the simple answer me. you both have 2 weekend s amonth?

i dont think you leaving them an dhgaving to get used to another parent as the prp would be a good odea,

a friends does wed with farth over night then every other weekend and shares the hoildays?

Wondering, that might work too, thanks. It's all negotiable through mediation. And things might need to be adjusted as circumstances change. New bloke won't meet kids for a long time, if ever, and a lot of thought would go into it as I would hate to confuse them or upset them. My main sticking point is that people think I should protect myself by keeping the house. I'm not sure how true that is in the circumstances, as the kids would be protected no matter what.

Op it sounds like you've made your decision already. Imo leaving your children for 5 days a week out of choice us a selfish thing for ant capable parent to do, let alone leave them yo luve with new boyfriend. You have responsibilities. If it were me I woukd fight to the ends of the earth to see my children as much as I could. I woukd concentrate on building them a stable life - getting a job, start some savings, being available to them whenever I could be. I wouldn't even be thinking of a new man until I sorted my own life out and my children didn't have so much disruption in their lives. Time to put your children first. And I would say this to a man also. Parents should put their young children first.

You do still seem impulsive, sorry.

There has been lots of advice on here and there's lots to think about but one thing really stands out for me:

This can't be a long term solution - what if you want to make a new home with your bf or your X gets a new partner? At some point there will have to be two homes for these children and you will risk unsettling them again. If the house is 'just a house' then get a new house for yourself, where your children can come to you on their weekends.

bouncing around your bf, dads, friends, and DCs' house is not going to do your condition any good.

(Also did you see the very good point about maintenance, which you will have to pay if your XP is the primary carer?)

the best soloution would be for your ex to move back into the house,you find somewhere else to live and the kids spend a week at yours and then a week at his,is this not doable?

Yes maybe, I was thinking it might be financially better and therefore more secure eventually for the DCs to do this temporarily (not a permanent solution no). I have run the idea past him and he is trying to get me to make a quick decision on basically handing everything over to him. So even more need for mediation as he clearly just wants all control and money without having set out a shared care arrangement first. Lots of work still to be done. I may end up having to stay put and endure the resentment etc, but make sure I get some quality time at weekends and holidays. And he will have to sort himself out as to a place to stay.

Or yes I could get another place. I'm finding this overwhelming and he keeps putting pressure on me to make a decision basically to make sure he's ok. I don't know what to do, and advice is conflicting.

Very impulsive.

And your Ex is still manipulating you, making you go around in circles trying to find a solution that works for him, rather than both of you sitting down like adults and working out a good solution for your children.

Think this through. You are talking about handing an emotionally abusive man

Your house
Any tax credits, child benefit etc
The label of 'primary carer' for your children

If you do this he will have you precisely where he wants you. If you end up in court what will he say 'look your honour she left them'. You will have no fixed address.

Have a care about using your MIL as sounding board. At best she is being manipulated by him too - at worst she is complicit in removing you from having influence over her son and grandchildren.

I don't buy for a single moment that he is only EA with you. That is you thinking like an abused woman who still believes that if only she was different then her abuser would suddenly turn into a loving and normal husband.
So that leaves us back at the point which many, many people on this thread has made - which is why on earth would you leave your young children with an abuser as their primary carer?

he keeps putting pressure on me to make a decision basically to make sure he's ok. I don't know what to do, and advice is conflicting.

OK. Stop and take a breath. There are four forces at play here:

What he wants - which, frankly, is not your concern or problem He is manipulating you (and your condition I feel) because he knows if he puts enough pressure on he will get what he wants, because you have form for making impulsive decisions. All he wants is to remain in his home. Keeping the children with him will make that easier (no bedroom tax, you'll pay maintenance, he'll keep the benefits).

The advice your getting: is good but yes, conflicting. lots to think about. MIL is definitely biased in some way, whether that's due to her also being manipulated or not I don't know.

What you want: You want a clean break from your X and in many ways from the grunt-end of childcare (which I completely understand). The solution your X is proposing seems to meet those needs. But they aren't actually a package. The clean break from your X is one thing. Your long term relationship with the children is another. The way care is organised so you get some fun time is yet another.

What you want - this is where actually I feel you are being incredibly impulsive. You've been split up from your X for a few months, you're partnered up already and want to spend 5 nights a week with NewP. Too much, too soon. Think about what you want and need out of the break - not out of the current relationship.

Finally. No is a complete sentence. Use it like this.

"No XP I won't agree to that, we need to go to mediation to find the best way forward for everyone."

Repeat, repeat and repeat until it happens.

Wilson - thanks so much. Yes he is being manipulative. The grunt-end of childcare is what I have been doing for nine years with very little help from the ex. No housework done by him without an argument, etc. Which is not to say he is incapable; he just chose to try to get me to do everything. I'd be quite happy to do a couple of school days instead of just weekends anyway; I'm not trying to get out of cleaning but the arrangement we have had has meant he is Fun Dad, coming in and doing lots of nice things with them.
He has repeatedly said he doesn't want to go through mediation and wants to resolve things between the two of us. I do think he is trying to push me out; he seems to think this is right, as I was the one to end the relationship. I thought that maybe if i gave him the security he's so desperate for, it would enable us to move on with arrangements for the kids. I think as well that there's an element of wanting to run away from the situation, in the plan I suggested. Ex isn't willing to get a new job and house and sort himself out and is making me feel responsible for these problems. I thought maybe I could just get on and do that stuff instead of him complaining about how he will do it and how he feels, I guess. What you say about five days with new bloke is worth thinking about too. Thanks

Op use the mediation service you have to get him to get his stuff out of your house now. You need to make the separation clear. Then you can start making your home yours.

Also use mediation to discuss changes to the custody arrangement so you have some weekend time.

I think these are your 2 main priorities, forget the fun weekend mum, he is clearly manipulating you into that situation.

I would be tempted to start looking for your own place to move into with your children (he can have the house) is this affordable or practical at all? Then you can have a clean break from him. And then it would also be easy for the children to return to their old home when they visit him.

Nic - thanks, he is refusing to take his name off the tenancy and has already refused to leave the house in order to get me on my own and talk to me. So not sure how to get him out. Currently he's in the house after he pulled this stunt and I told him I wouldn't go back until Saturday as he had taken a week off work to basically sit there trying to get me to agree to stuff. He wants me to hand over child benefit for one of the kids so that he can claim housing benefit and get a house where he can have the kids. Nobody seems to think this is a good idea. I think the idea of me moving out and working was partly me trying to gain some control over the situation and partly me wanting to shut up and leave me alone. He keeps texting saying I'm trying to take his kids away and I'm being unreasonable. I get that I'm not responsible for sorting out his situation but he's trying to tell me that since I initiated the split, it is my responsibility to move out. Police told me that as his name is on the tenancy agreement he has a right to stay. Landlord said they need his permission to take him off the agreement. I don't care about the house itself; I just want the kids to be ok and to not be in a position where he will continue to manipulate and upset me. Going to see my dad today and ask if he can help me out financially if I need to go to court. I feel so confused and incapable of doing the right thing. Mediation not for a couple of weeks.

And yes I have been advised to go to Housing Options so will be doing that on Monday. Thanks

You poor thing BadSeeds.

If I were you, I'd start a new thread in Relationships asking for advice on what you to do in this situation. There are people on there who really know their stuff in terms of how best to manage someone who's so manipulative and bullying and I'm sure you'd get a lot of help and support.

I'm sorry I haven't been that supportive on this thread - it was very unclear that you were being pushed into this situation: it came across as being all your idea.

Apologies for the typos in that but hopefully you get the gist!

OK so he's starting to show his true colours. As painful as this may be, I think it's actually helpful for you. Agree with Odd there are wise posters on relationships who will also know more about the legal end of things.

Do not under any circumstances hand over the child benefit claim until this is properly sorted. This is about the house, not the kids

Oh and two weeks till mediation is nothing. He expects you to flip and give him what he wants within that 2 week period and will definitely push up the pressure for you to cave into him, but don't. Keep posting and I will hold your hand.