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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to be a fun weekend mum?

127 replies

BadSeedsAddict · 03/12/2013 08:05

Have been in an EA relationship for nine years and had three children. Very soon after my marriage ended, I met up with someone I knew a long time ago and realised we get on brilliantly. Currently, I have the house (rented) and the children all week, and ex comes to stay at weekends while I go and stay with my new...boyfriend I suppose, although I feel too old to use that word!
Ex has been very upset at having had his security taken away. He stays with a friend during the week but this isn't a permanent arrangement so he is very concerned about having a definite place to live. He is very rules- and routine- oriented, whereas I am the opposite. He has been very distressed to have lost control over his environment (probable has autistic traits if not mild asperger's, gets very upset when things don't go as planned etc).I have always been the one to take the kids out and do things with them, while he is better at getting homework done and so on.
He is much more possession-oriented, while I genuinely could abandon most of my possessions (there is very little belonging to me in the house, and ex has a LOT of stuff). He's a great dad, and is in between jobs after studying full time. I don't have a job currently either but am keen to work and possibly retrain.
So; would I be stupid to tell him he can keep the house and have the children through the week, while I stay with New Bloke, get a job, and be the fun mum who gets to do stuff with the kids at the weekend? (Obviously I say 'fun mum' in a very flippant way!). I think it would fix the problems between me and the ex as most of them are down to me having removed his security and routine. Can anyone see any obvious flaws in this? Has anyone done it themselves?

OP posts:

purplewithred · 03/12/2013 08:50

As long as it works for the children then why not? Sounds like you two were a marriage made in hell - you with add, forgetful and impulsive: him at the aspergers end needing routine and predictability. Op has said several times he was only 'ea' with her, and is excellent with the children.

towicymru · 03/12/2013 08:54

Currently you think he has all the fun time while you have the stress and are suggesting that you swap. I would be concerned that you describe yout STBX as EA but don't think this will affect the children. What happens as they get older and aren't as easy to control or don't want to fit with his routines?

If you are so sure that he won't be EA to the DC, why would you not be looking at some sort of shared responsibility where you both get some fun time and some harder work time?

TheGirlFromIpanema · 03/12/2013 08:59

I would try and work a week-about scenario as already suggested.

If he has already demonstrated being EA with you it is not a huge leap to being abusive towards his DC at some stage, so I'd want to keep a very close eye on how they are coping with ex etc. Its not inconceivable that his attitude towards dc changes as these quite huge life changes for all of you happen.

Hullygully · 03/12/2013 09:00

This is a terrible idea.

IamGluezilla · 03/12/2013 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

softlysoftly · 03/12/2013 09:02

In what way did you decide he was EA? Just wondering as we are all taking that at face value.

You sound flighty as fuck, perhaps he genuinely was trying to control the situation for the kids benefit. ....

Dependent on how the relationship actually was he actually sounds like a more stable full time parent for the DCs

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 03/12/2013 09:07

'if you were a father rather than mother, no-one would bat an eyelid.'

Exactly.

ICameOnTheJitney · 03/12/2013 09:07

You do sound flighty as fuck OP. I don't think this is a good idea at all. Could your ADD have something to do with your thought process right now? It's not a good plan at all.

expatinscotland · 03/12/2013 09:09

You are considering structuring a custody relationship around a rebound relationship. This is NOT a good idea.

ICameOnTheJitney · 03/12/2013 09:09

they would bat an eyelid if a Father came on here saying he had main custody but wanted to ditch it to live with his new girlfriend so his emotionally abusive ex could care for the kids!

BluePeterAdventCrown · 03/12/2013 09:09

And when the kids are teenagers and not wanting to be "controlled" by him to make him feel safe?

Little kids are generally quite good at doing as they are told. He has been EA towards you because he can't control you and therefore his environment? What the fuck is he going to be like when they all start to get past age 9/10 or so, get hormonal, start eye-rolling and answering back?

I would think long and hard about this.

FlipFlippingFlippers · 03/12/2013 09:11

What Jitney said.

Original poster

BadSeedsAddict · 03/12/2013 09:24

If it would work better, later on, for me to do all the week stuff then I think if he was in a secure position and not where he is now, upset and trying to gain some control (because at the moment I have all the control) we would be able to work something out. Not flighty; trying to be practical. I have two other places I could stay if the new relationship doesn't work out, and I certainly haven't had my head turned! The kids are everything. If new bloke wanted me to choose him over them, the tiniest bit, he wouldn't be new bloke any more. Ex is not overly controlling with them and if I had a better relationship with him, as I hope this will enable, I would be in a better position to talk about parenting with him.

OP posts:

EweHaveGoatToBeSkiddinInSnow · 03/12/2013 09:26

I don't think the OP can do the 7 days on/7 days off thing as people are suggesting because this would mean practically moving back in with the ex, since contact seems to take place at the old family home. I don't think anyone would put up with having a lodger every second week, so it wouldn't be as simple as the OP moving out when it wasn't 'her' week with the children.

OP, massive assumption here based on your ex's EA history, but do you think it's him that's making you contemplate this idea? You know he wants the house and stability, and you're considering giving it to him. I know you think it's your idea, but is it really?

Asides from the above, i don't really see the issue either. A lot of people still believe a mother should be the main carer to her children, when a father is actually just as capable.

But how would your plan work around school holidays etc? Would he still have them every day during the week, and you at weekends?

Have you talked the whole idea through with your ex and current partner? What do they think about it?

I wouldn't rush into anything. I can be quite impulsive too, and have had to teach myself to sit on a big idea for a week before putting it into place. More often than not, after a few days, i realise my 'genius/lifechanging idea' was actually pants.

comedycentral · 03/12/2013 09:30

why dont you do sunday-wed and he do thur-sat?

WilsonFrickett · 03/12/2013 09:36

One of two things is happening here imo;

completely agree with Ewe and your EA ex is continuing to manipulate you and the situation - you leave the house, he gets what he needs, ie complete control/stability
Your ADD is leading you to immediately 'bounce' to a solution for your current issues without thinking through the long-term impact on you and the children

Neither of these is a good situation - and fwiw, I see no reason why you as mother should be the 'most of the time' caregiver btw so I'm not speaking from that position.

You're also talking far far too easily about giving up your own security etc which leads me to believe you aren't thinking straight. You are a parent - you need to have a base for you to parent from and your friend's sofa or boyfriend's bed isn't it. What happens if your X partners up? Do you think any new GF will be happy moving out every week so you can move back in? This arrangement can't work long term. You need to stop, sit with the situation for a while, then work out a situation that will work longer term for the long-term security of your children.

Don't think your sofa-hopping through the week won't affect them btw, because it will.

NicPen · 03/12/2013 09:36

I don't think you should make a change like this, it is too drastic and if you don't like it how difficult would it be to change back?

Tell ex to get his own place. Maybe change to arrangement so you have the kids every second weekend or at least once a month. And maybe he can have them for a couple of evenings in the week as well.

If he was ea aren't you worried how this will affect the dcs
as they grow older especially as he is inflexible etc? Also don't you think you dcs may see the change as you trading them for your new bf?

expatinscotland · 03/12/2013 09:40

It is also too early in the game for this. Neither of you has had a chance to get used to this.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 03/12/2013 09:43

I think your children will see this as you choosing new boyfriend over them.

It is an absolutely terrible idea.

Original poster

BadSeedsAddict · 03/12/2013 09:46

Ewe - I have had so many of those pants ideas in the past that I now seek advice from everyone I know before coming to any major decision!
He hasn't suggested I do this; it occurred to me last night that it could be a solution to the current problem. What he has asked for is a 50/50 split of care. We would go through mediation counselling (already started) to draw up a plan, and as the children got older we could work out any different situations that crop up. I am trying to find flaws in the idea and can't see anything really. But it still needs working out via mediation to get the best possible result for all involved. I think people assume I'm wanting to abandon my kids for my new man. I'm not. I'm trying to help my kids have a better time with my ex, and work out a routine that will make them feel safe. Just spoke to MIL who thinks it sounds workable. I wouldn't be sofa-hopping! And, those who think the EA bit is worrying; I genuinely think that if ex is in a routine and has security then he will be happy and the kids will benefit. Yes it was a marriage made in Hell!

OP posts:

ShoeWhore · 03/12/2013 09:47

I also think this is a dreadful idea on just about every front.

Can you not agree something where the children see their dad midweek (say one or two nights) and then you have them alternate weekends?

plantsitter · 03/12/2013 09:48

If this arrangement could easily be changed as the kids grow and want to make more decisions about where they live, then why not? However I think you would be committing yourself to giving your ex the main responsibility for your kids - and if you or they ever wanted to change this, how would your ea ex handle that?

If he is as controlling as you say, I suspect he would show that he is capable of being emotionally abusive to his kids as well as to you. I think you would regret thus decision. I would find a way of both of you having equal routine and fun time right from the start if I were you.

ShoeWhore · 03/12/2013 09:49

It's worth remembering OP that if your ex craves security then as an adult he needs to work out how to get some! Can he not rent a flat?

Mumsyblouse · 03/12/2013 09:53

I don't know if you should do this or not, but here are some things to think about:

Weekends aren't all fun and weekdays all drudgery. In our house, weekends are classes on Sat morning and homework/baths Sun. Sat night is fun and relaxing, but I really don't think the contrast is as big as you make out- the children still have to be dressed, fed, housework done on weekends. Weeknights can be fun- go out for dinner, watch a movie. I think you are massively exaggerating this as different experiences.

The children may experience this as rejection, mum leaving, even if you do it from the best of motives. There's something particularly awful about a mum leaving/not seeing her children as much as possible which may be cultural, but it's very real for the children (my husband is still going on about his mother who did similar 40 years later).

It does sound a bit impulsive, and you don't know what your new partner thinks, your ex thinks or what your children would think- my guess is that one or all of these groups may not be happy with the new arrangements.

Mumsyblouse · 03/12/2013 09:57

And- I also agree that an EA controlling man with insecurity issues is going to have difficulties with full-time week parenting as the children get older. Toddlers don't notice (or are powerless if) dad is a bit odd or very rigid about stuff or gets very cross/angry if routines aren't adhered to, but a teen will have a massive problem with this. He may be a great dad right now but I agree with everyone who says from 9/10 onwards, a different parenting approach might be best.

What about three/four days a week? What about one weekend day each?

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