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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does anyone else live with a man-child who wants to spend Christmas doing everything as he did it when he was a kid?

107 replies

MamaBear17 · 02/12/2013 17:39

Im fed up. DH is not talking to me because I have said that I would like to spend Christmas Eve with just him and DD. Previously, we have (most years) done whatever activity his parents have planned with his siblings and partners. This year though, DD is old enough to really understand what is going on so I want to take her out in the morning, go out for a nice lunch and then spend the afternoon baking and watching films. The PILs are disappointed and want to see us on Christmas Eve. We are spending Christmas morning with them and Christmas afternoon with my parents. We will probably see PIL every other day over the holidays including boxing day. We will go to all other get togethers, and probably pop in to see them Christmas eve morning anyway. But, I don't want to go to this years planned activity. DD can't join in because she is too young and it will take up the whole afternoon. I get on really well with PILs so there is no issue. DH says I am being selfish because he wants to spend Christmas Eve with his family, he will be missing out on doing things with his whole family and that isn't fair. I said that I wanted to build in one day of time just the three of us and that he couldn't expect Christmas to be the same as it was when he was a kid. He said that I am being unreasonable because Christmas, for him, is about his family and spending time together. Am I do wrong for wanting time without the grandparents for one afternoon? Why can't the stupid arse understand that I just want to spend some time with him and our dd? Grrr

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 02/12/2013 17:41

You and your dd are his family.

CaptainSweatPants · 02/12/2013 17:42

Wow he is being very unreasonable

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2013 17:42

What are you and DD supposed to do while this activity is going on?

CaptainSweatPants · 02/12/2013 17:43

What sort of activity do you mean ?

Preciousbane · 02/12/2013 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheGreatWizardQuiQuaeQuod · 02/12/2013 17:49

Does he still think of them as his primary family?

That's a bit weird. why is that?

Normally when someone marries and has children, their spouse and children become their primary family and relatives on both sides become the extended family. New traditions are made and enjoyed. Extended family are part of that, of course (unless vile people!) but it does not revolve around them.

When he was a kid, were these traditions centred around one set of grandparents? If so, which set - maternal or paternal? If not, then his parents had their own family and traditions. so why is it hard for him to understand that you might want that?

Original poster
MamaBear17 · 02/12/2013 17:50

Activity is skiing. In expected to ski whilst mil plays with dd and dnephew in the cafe. I don't want to do this

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 02/12/2013 17:52

Sounds bloody awful.

As your dd is too little to participate, I'd go with the baking at home and let your dh get on with it.

hermioneweasley · 02/12/2013 17:53

YANBU. It's time to start making your own traditions

thebody · 02/12/2013 17:54

oh dear, how ridiculous, your dh needs to realise he is building his own family traditions now.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 02/12/2013 17:55

YANBU

He is BVVVVVVVVVVU

You're not excluding his family completely you just want one day for your immediate family. As for christmas for him being about his family...does that mean you and dd are not his family? If so what a nasty thing to say.

Chopsypie · 02/12/2013 17:57

I agree totally with you, but don't think he's being unreasonable.

Christmas Eve we stay in, watch films, make and decorate a gingerbread house then have a takeaway. It's the only day I won't have visitors or be out seeing family and tbh I prefer it to Christmas Day!

No advice, I I hope you can work it out

MrsMoon76 · 02/12/2013 18:00

He being childish but I would refuse to go. What's in it for your dd apart from sitting in a café whilst your DH skis. I would let him off with them and have your own day with dd if he is going to whinge. Sad that he can't put his primary family first.

WorraLiberty · 02/12/2013 18:02

YANBU, that doesn't sound much fun at all for your DD.

But I have to say, I couldn't handle hanging around the house all day...watching TV and baking either.

Could you perhaps suggest an alternative that appeals to all 3 of you?

Joysmum · 02/12/2013 18:02

Tbh, I'm feeling the same as your hubby about Christmas Day. Mine will be spent with his sister and her boy firm and I only see them once or twice a year and we have nothing in in common. We'll be at home watching Telly and running out of conversation. I like my Christmases to be different, to be all about family. My fav day is Boxing Day when everyone comes to ours and we have party games and eat and drink loads! My daughter loves it too, it's special because we only all get together at Christmas and Christmas is about family.

To those saying the hubby is being unreasonable, how is having your own opinion about Christmas being unreasonable. So sad that husbands on tis forum generally are seen as unreasonable to have their own views. It's as much his Christmas as it is the OP's. Neither are being unreasonable for liking different things!

Original poster
MamaBear17 · 02/12/2013 18:03

His family are very close. We all do lots of things together throughout the year. This comes at the expense of his siblings partners. They complain that they don't see their own families as much because dh's family is always prioritised. Me and dh have a much better balance though, we are close to my family too. Dh feels that he only has one family, me and dd aren't separate from his parents and siblings. I disagree. I've just been told that we can do Christmas eve 'my way' but I have to except that it will make him unhappy. In resisting the urge to throw things at his head.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 02/12/2013 18:04

Yes and it is as much his wife and dd's Christmas too. He isn't 12 any more.

If the OP was saying she didn't want to spend any time with his family, then she would be unreasonable. She just wants a bit of a compromise and I think that is fair.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 02/12/2013 18:07

We are spending Christmas morning with them and Christmas afternoon with my parents. We will probably see PIL every other day over the holidays including boxing day. We will go to all other get togethers, and probably pop in to see them Christmas eve morning anyway.

This is why I think he's being unreasonable. The OP has stated that they'll see PIL christmas morning and several other days.

All the OP wants is a day, or more likely half a day, to do something that they can include their daughter in.

optimusic · 02/12/2013 18:07

If the day was all about spending the time together as a family, then the activity would be something that everyone could enjoy. The two children sitting in the café with gran isn't a family nice day out. The family is split. That is what I would be reminding him of.

HarkTEEHeraldAngelsSing · 02/12/2013 18:07

Honestly if he's going to be that miserable about it, I'd wave him off skiing and start home alone with your daughter.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 02/12/2013 18:08

That's childish, guilt tripping behaviour OP. Don't give in to it.

Original poster
MamaBear17 · 02/12/2013 18:08

We are going out in the morning so won't be in all day. We invited his parents to join us for lunch but they are insisting on going skiing. They have said that they would go to soft play with us but I thought 4 adults and one toddler at soft play would be a bit much. At the minute, dd, dh and I will be going out in the morning and calling in to pils to see them before they go skiing.

OP posts:
CaptainSweatPants · 02/12/2013 18:10

Let him go skiing
You & dd stay at home & watch Muppet Christmas Carol & snuggle up together
He & his parents are being ridiculous

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/12/2013 18:11

Call me naive I thought when you have your own DC(s) you make your own traditions. Does he expect to do this forever?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/12/2013 18:13

Just read your most recent post. I hope he won't spend the morning sulking or dragging his feet.