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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does anyone else live with a man-child who wants to spend Christmas doing everything as he did it when he was a kid?

107 replies

MamaBear17 · 02/12/2013 17:39

Im fed up. DH is not talking to me because I have said that I would like to spend Christmas Eve with just him and DD. Previously, we have (most years) done whatever activity his parents have planned with his siblings and partners. This year though, DD is old enough to really understand what is going on so I want to take her out in the morning, go out for a nice lunch and then spend the afternoon baking and watching films. The PILs are disappointed and want to see us on Christmas Eve. We are spending Christmas morning with them and Christmas afternoon with my parents. We will probably see PIL every other day over the holidays including boxing day. We will go to all other get togethers, and probably pop in to see them Christmas eve morning anyway. But, I don't want to go to this years planned activity. DD can't join in because she is too young and it will take up the whole afternoon. I get on really well with PILs so there is no issue. DH says I am being selfish because he wants to spend Christmas Eve with his family, he will be missing out on doing things with his whole family and that isn't fair. I said that I wanted to build in one day of time just the three of us and that he couldn't expect Christmas to be the same as it was when he was a kid. He said that I am being unreasonable because Christmas, for him, is about his family and spending time together. Am I do wrong for wanting time without the grandparents for one afternoon? Why can't the stupid arse understand that I just want to spend some time with him and our dd? Grrr

OP posts:

Showy · 02/12/2013 19:18

Of course it's not unreasonable to have your own preferences for how you will spend Christmas. It's also, however, not unreasonable for your DH to have preferences. What tips it over into being unreasonable is the attitude you bring to it or an inability to compromise. Not talking to you is ridiculous. It's that which makes him childish, not his desire to see his family at Christmas.

I fall onto your dh's side of preferences tbh. I like to spend as much time as possible with as many people as possible at Christmas. The dc get a lot out of it and in a few years, if I'm realistic, a lot of these people won't be here or be able to enjoy the dc in the way they do now. I spend every day with my dc. At Christmas, I know how important it is for my family and dh's family to see their grandchildren as much as possible. I am there too, we're all enjoying each other's company and nobody misses out. We do have Christmas Eve dinner/evening and Christmas morning up to about 11am just us and that's enough. All the special traditions of stockings and reindeer food and carrots for Rudolf and sneaking downstairs in the morning fit nicely into the evening of the 24th and morning of the 25th.

Skiing doesn't take that much time does it? Our local artificial ski slope usually takes hour long bookings. What time are they going? I'm not saying you should compromise if you don't want to but what about Christmas Eve morning you do a couple of hours at soft play early doors and then go home for some baking and maybe a film, go skiing for an hour or two in the afternoon, slip off before dinner and have a quiet dinner and evening of more films afterwards? If a Christmas Eve activity is something your DH particularly enjoys and looks forwards to at Christmas, maybe the time just the three of you could come elsewhere?

YouTheCat · 02/12/2013 19:26

But Showy, all the OP's time is already fully booked with other family activities/visiting.

It doesn't sound like her own parents get as much of a look in either.

Original poster

MamaBear17 · 02/12/2013 19:43

We see my parents in the afternoon on Christmas day, and usually on new years day. I will pop down with dd whilst dh is at football on boxing day, before going back to pils for tea. He has just started on st ne again about how unfair in being so I pointed out how much we already have planned with his parents, how we already spend Christmas day with both sets of parents and that, actually, Christmas eve is out only opportunity for some time just the three of us unless we were to stay home on Christmas day and get the grandparents to come to us (which I would never really insist on because it would upset his sisters too much). He has gone back to being silent. I think he needs to realise that he is actually pretty lucky to have a wife who compromises as much as i do and gives up as much time as I do to accommodate his family and their traditions. It is bloody exhausting keeping everyone happy. I love them all to bits which is why I am happy to include them in most things. But, I would like to start our own traditions too.

OP posts:

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 02/12/2013 19:58

good luck, stick to your guns. I spend xmas eve with my boys making mince pies and dipping marshmallows in chocolate icing the cake and singing carols while we do so. It became a tradition when they were little and even this year (they are 17 and 21) oldest boy has informed me he will be coming round as early as he can to help out... awww

SolitudeSometimesIs · 02/12/2013 20:14

Do your PIL's know that you might be skipping the skiing? Just wondering what their reaction was.

MrsMook · 02/12/2013 20:22

Stick to your guns.

All my mum's bank holidays inc Boxing Day were dominated by my dad's rituals with his dad over going to the betting shop while she slaved over roast dinners. One Easter she'd had enough of that game and decided to sod them and we went to the cinema to do something enjoyable for us. It was going to be the start of a whole new enjoyable ritual, except that dad died suddenly after so we were in control of our own rituals for very different reasons.

Original poster

MamaBear17 · 02/12/2013 20:28

Yeah they know. They are disappointed. We mentioned that we might take dd soft play on Christmas eve morning and they then said they had planned the skiing activity so why didn't we come to that? Skiing is planned for the afternoon. I said no, because we have got our 'elf box' full of activities for the afternoon. DH originally agreed that it would be nice to have the afternoon just the three of us but has now changed his mind. PILs then said that if we were going soft play then they would come too but we had to be done by 11 so they can get ready for skiing. I have told dh that four adults following one two year old around a soft play centre is madness. It will be packed anyway! I have suggested going to their house for mince pies in the morning before leaving them to ski and we could go out and do our own thing. Apparently, this is selfish.

OP posts:

WipsGlitter · 02/12/2013 20:30

Well you could stop the weekly visits for a start. Do it turn about but on a Sunday giving you some free time as a three on a regular basis.

Cut out some if the rest if the visiting stuff. Book tickets for a panto the three of you or something. It does sound a bit pants for your DD if she can't even ski.

diddl · 02/12/2013 21:53

Well they all sound very selfish as they either want to muscle in on what you do, or want to to trail after them!

Can your husband do some time at soft play before going skiing and then have most of the afternoon with you?

Original poster

MamaBear17 · 02/12/2013 22:02

I dunno. We've just had a mahoosive row and now in thinking they can just have him back. :(

OP posts:

LadyBeagleEyes · 02/12/2013 22:16

Would you be happy with just a day alone with your dd? You could make it special, Christmas Eve is the most magical day, with all the anticipation and your 'd'h could be there in the evening.

TarkaTheOtter · 02/12/2013 22:24

Could you suggest that if the Xmas eve activity is so important that you spend Boxing Day as a family instead of him going to the football. Sounds like he wants Christmas all his own way.

LindyHemming · 02/12/2013 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MegBusset · 02/12/2013 22:29

God the whole thing sounds exhausting. Yanbu at all but I'm amazed you haven't cracked years ago. Every weekend spent with your parents and in-laws?! I love my MIL and parents dearly but the thought brings me out in a cold sweat.

Morloth · 02/12/2013 22:33

Why don't you do your morning activities together then he goes skiing and you and DD go home?

I would rather stick pins in my eyes than do Christmas craft stuff though (which is what I am assuming the elf box thing is), so I might not be the person to talk to.

Original poster

MamaBear17 · 02/12/2013 22:35

He does. He is being childish and I shouldn't have let him suck me into a row. He won't go alone to his parents thing. He wants us all there. I actually 'won' the argument so to speak, so now he is just being an arse. Im just going to ignore him until he apologies. And im stopping doing everything with his family all of the time. This weekend, no visits to the grandparents, just time with dd and he can please himself.

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 02/12/2013 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 02/12/2013 22:38

who would be actually skiing then? and who would be looking after your DD?

Original poster

MamaBear17 · 02/12/2013 22:39

Exactly! He so does that. I am also aware that I let him and I've got to stop.

OP posts:

thebody · 02/12/2013 22:41

I think you need to remind your dh that he has actually left home and got married, had a child, is a father and has now actually to act like a FUCKING MAN!!!

if my lads acted like this to their future wives I would be furious and I certainly won't be muscling in in my kids family life like this.

it's fucking ridiculous for you to spend so much time with his family like this when you don't want to.

what about your pleasures and your parents.

what about you?

ShoeWhore · 02/12/2013 22:44

OP you are really not being unreasonable wanting one day over Christmas as a family day. Especially as the planned activity is so unsuitable for your dd and your overall Christmas plan includes loads of time with your inlaws.

euphemia is right though, the deeper issue is why does your dh care so little about how you feel on this?

MoominsYonisAreScary · 02/12/2013 22:45

I cant think of any thing worse than going skiing tbh.

Unless your dh comes round to your way of thinking he could totally ruin your christmas eve with his sulking

thebody · 02/12/2013 22:49

tell his mother he is being an arse!

MoominsYonisAreScary · 02/12/2013 22:52

yeah I agree with thebody, maybe get his mum on side? it sounds like you have a good relationship with her ?

LadyBeagleEyes · 02/12/2013 23:01

What thebody said.

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