Does anyone else live with a man-child who wants to spend Christmas doing everything as he did it when he was a kid?

[MamaBear17]

Im fed up. DH is not talking to me because I have said that I would like to spend Christmas Eve with just him and DD. Previously, we have (most years) done whatever activity his parents have planned with his siblings and partners. This year though, DD is old enough to really understand what is going on so I want to take her out in the morning, go out for a nice lunch and then spend the afternoon baking and watching films. The PILs are disappointed and want to see us on Christmas Eve. We are spending Christmas morning with them and Christmas afternoon with my parents. We will probably see PIL every other day over the holidays including boxing day. We will go to all other get togethers, and probably pop in to see them Christmas eve morning anyway. But, I don't want to go to this years planned activity. DD can't join in because she is too young and it will take up the whole afternoon. I get on really well with PILs so there is no issue. DH says I am being selfish because he wants to spend Christmas Eve with his family, he will be missing out on doing things with his whole family and that isn't fair. I said that I wanted to build in one day of time just the three of us and that he couldn't expect Christmas to be the same as it was when he was a kid. He said that I am being unreasonable because Christmas, for him, is about his family and spending time together. Am I do wrong for wanting time without the grandparents for one afternoon? Why can't the stupid arse understand that I just want to spend some time with him and our dd? Grrr

Part of me thinks its lovely that he has such a good relationship with them and wants to see them so much. There are lots of threads on here about grandparents not wanting anything to do with grandchildren and people get very upset about that too.

What about timetabling it all out for him? Say right we need a three way split and then getting him to pick to compromise. Soft play on Christmas Eve sounds a bit pants to be honest, why not have a leisurely morning at home and then get him to take DD to the activity and you can stay at home and get on with things on your own or read a book and do nothing.

How is he with your DD, is he finding parenthood to be not what he anticipated, so that immersing himself in his extended family means he can do as he did when single? Does he know how to play with her, a surprising number of men haven't a clue, or find toddler activities repetitive and boring? Or is he trying to live up to his parents expectations as their golden boy, afraid to let them down? I can see why the big family do's appeal, he gets to enjoy himself and there is always someone else to entertain DD while he plays the proud dad.

I still think he's extremely self centred, because he can't even have an adult conversation about this issue without trying to get his own way. I think the timetable of events is a really good idea, then he can see in black and white exactly how little time he is due to spend with you and DD on your own. It would be interesting to know how his siblings partners manage their time with relatives, or are they expected to go to PIL's all the time as well.

He does indeed sound like a man-child from your description.

Do you have problems reaching agreement on other issues in an adult fashion?

It sounds very wearing.

I'm seething angry for you too OP. He's being completely unreasonable. And I speak as someone who [willingly] sees a lot of parents, siblings, in-laws, etc. We spend lots of time with mine and OH families (no DCs) but EVERY Sunday would be too much for most people. The thing that's screaming out to me throughout the whole of this thread is WHY THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO SPEND SO MUCH FUCKING TIME WITH THEM?!!?!

He really needs to grow up. Far too set in his ways - understandable if he was with them till he was 34 - but, like someone else said, it's time to say goodbye to the boy he once was and become the husband/father/MAN that he should be. You really aren't asking a lot by wanting ONE SODDING DAY without them over Christmas - jeez, you've even agreed to sacrifice some of that to please them!! You see your ILs far more than many doting relatives see - or are expected to see - for their families. Good point made about the couple that was always around other people because they hated each other's company. Any chance that could be the case with your PILs?

Why not spend time with family this Christmas and arrange some regular time for just the three of you every weekend afterwards?

What's the latest OP? Has he gracefully accepted that he won't be going skiing or is he still sulking?

Oooh the OP just got a mention from Richard Madely on The Wright Stuff