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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does anyone else live with a man-child who wants to spend Christmas doing everything as he did it when he was a kid?

107 replies

MamaBear17 · 02/12/2013 17:39

Im fed up. DH is not talking to me because I have said that I would like to spend Christmas Eve with just him and DD. Previously, we have (most years) done whatever activity his parents have planned with his siblings and partners. This year though, DD is old enough to really understand what is going on so I want to take her out in the morning, go out for a nice lunch and then spend the afternoon baking and watching films. The PILs are disappointed and want to see us on Christmas Eve. We are spending Christmas morning with them and Christmas afternoon with my parents. We will probably see PIL every other day over the holidays including boxing day. We will go to all other get togethers, and probably pop in to see them Christmas eve morning anyway. But, I don't want to go to this years planned activity. DD can't join in because she is too young and it will take up the whole afternoon. I get on really well with PILs so there is no issue. DH says I am being selfish because he wants to spend Christmas Eve with his family, he will be missing out on doing things with his whole family and that isn't fair. I said that I wanted to build in one day of time just the three of us and that he couldn't expect Christmas to be the same as it was when he was a kid. He said that I am being unreasonable because Christmas, for him, is about his family and spending time together. Am I do wrong for wanting time without the grandparents for one afternoon? Why can't the stupid arse understand that I just want to spend some time with him and our dd? Grrr

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaBear17 · 02/12/2013 23:03

Ha! I do, but dh can do no wrong. Ever. It is sad to say it, but he is their pfb and DD is the favoured grandchild because she is his. I am just going to have to stand firm. He can't expect to do everything he wants all of the time.

OP posts:
thebody · 02/12/2013 23:44

mmmm so they spoilt the son and now are favouring your dd.

sure they are well intentioned but you have to stand firm here.

tell him you love him so naturally want time with just him and your dd. tell him you love his family too and love seeing them but sometimes you just want it to be the 3 of you.

must say op you sound lovely and he's lucky to have you.

tell him that too.

YouTheCat · 03/12/2013 00:02

This is why MNetters tell parents to learn to say 'no' to their children, otherwise they expect their future spouses to give in to the tantrums even though they are adults.

I blame the parents.

Good on you for sticking to your guns, OP.

thepig · 03/12/2013 00:24

Yabu. You want different things, but you're very rude about him instead of trying to understand where he is coming from. Plenty of people are very attached to xmas family traditions that they've done for their ENTIRE lives. Maybe you might have more luck if you approached the issue more sympathetically.

But hey you must have known the consensus here would be yanbu. Wink

TarkaTheOtter · 03/12/2013 01:32

thepig do you know the OP outside of mnet?

Lots of people are very attached to their lifelong family Xmas traditions but have the maturity to know that being married means that there are two people's traditions to be considered and if you want to spend time with your spouse at Xmas you have to compromise. Her DH is bu to expect it to be his way 100% of the time just as the OP would be told she was bu to expect the same.

It sounds to me like the OP does understand where her DH is coming from. He wants to have his childhood Christmases forever no matter what his dw and dd want and they should just suck it up lest he be unhappy at Christmas.

HanneHolm · 03/12/2013 01:45

wtf Is an elf box

Original poster
MamaBear17 · 03/12/2013 06:14

Im very attached the the traditions I have done my ENTIRE life. If I insisted on doing things my family's way, as he is doing, I would be completely U. Im not though. I am trying to incorporate both families and some time for just us three. Thanks everyone for the input.

OP posts:
diddl · 03/12/2013 07:10

" He won't go alone to his parents thing. He wants us all there."

Well that's just ridiculous.

Does he have some odd notion that if you are not always together doing what he wants stuff, people will think that there is something wrong?

Just tell him to do what he wants & you will too & will meet up when possible.

It's ridiculous that he wants you there to watch him ski imo.

diddl · 03/12/2013 07:11

Oops-missed a bit.

Or does he see it as him going to soft play "for you", therefore you ski "for him"?

Original poster
MamaBear17 · 03/12/2013 07:25

No I don't think so. He is now saying it isn't about skiing, he just wants to be with his family. I've said we will pop in in the morning. The problem is that he is being ridiculously childish now. Demanding a list of activities that we might do that are 'acceptable to you' ('you' being me). I just wanted to spend the bloody day with him and our daughter. I tried suggesting a few things that he just ridiculed. Im ignoring him now. The strop he is throwing would be funny if it wasn't so upsetting.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 03/12/2013 07:33

OP, show him this:

GROW THE FUCK UP!

pianodoodle · 03/12/2013 07:59

Normally when someone marries and has children, their spouse and children become their primary family and relatives on both sides become the extended family. New traditions are made and enjoyed. Extended family are part of that, of course (unless vile people!) but it does not revolve around them.

I agree this is exactly how I view things and how my parents do to. DH's were a bit surprised though the first time we said we'd see them Boxing day not Christmas day.

I'd expect my son to do the same thing with his family when/if he ever has one.

It's nice to carry on traditions but we do that by giving our children the Christmas we had not trying to be the children ourselves :)

YANBU

SunshineMMum · 03/12/2013 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/12/2013 08:04

The more you post OP the more I get the impression your DH is kicking against something bigger than just one day in the Christmas holidays.

diddl · 03/12/2013 08:06

So you want time just the three of you Christmas eve?

He is seeing his parents Christmas Day?

You see them every week?

But he wants to see them Christmas Eve as well?

Can`t he just see them for a coffee for an hr or something then?

Husband I are are the horrible types who once we had children, our parents got "relegated" to Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

Original poster
MamaBear17 · 03/12/2013 08:16

Nope. Genuinely all about the fact that he wants to see his parents every day over Christmas and do things either his family on Christmas eve. It is that ridiculous.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 03/12/2013 08:26

Hmm. He is trying to bully you. He tried sulking and that didn't work, he tried arguing and that didn't work, then he switched to being awkward. He is trying to grind you down until you get so sick of it you give in. Does he usually get his own way in decisions between the two of you?

hermioneweasley · 03/12/2013 08:27

He doesn't see how unreasonable that is? What if you took the same stance?

Assuming he is otherwise rational and holds down a job, what is going on here?

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 03/12/2013 08:50

the other plans seem quite vague:

"We will probably see PIL every other day over the holidays including boxing day. We will go to all other get togethers, and probably pop in to see them Christmas eve morning anyway."

what is actually agreed?

all I can see is when you dont want to see them and what you will probably do. that said I agree you need balance. my PIL want to come for a week over Christmas. we have said that's too long as we need a rest over the holidays. but we both agree that's too long to have guests staying.

he wants to see his parents every day over Christmas have you asked why his wants this and not just some R&R time at home?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/12/2013 09:20

Sorry OP my mistake. I thought for a while he might have been used to you accommodating his preferences but if it's a one off strop then hopefully it'll just blow over.

Original poster
MamaBear17 · 03/12/2013 09:27

He just says he wants to be with his family. We will see his family lots, but other than Christmas day, there are no firm plans. However, we always have visited his family a lot and this year will be no different. With the exception of Christmas eve when I hope we will have some time just the three of us. We have already done Christmas markets and meeting Santa with pil so far this year. They are always included in pretty much everything. H hasn't even seen my parents in weeks because he has had work to do when me and dd have visited them. He can't have it all his own way.

OP posts:
myroomisatip · 03/12/2013 09:34

He is BVVU and selfish :(

All his references to 'his family'! You and your DC are 'his family' first and foremost and if he does not agree with that then he should go back and live with his precious parents. So mad on your behalf as I went through the same thing and after I got with my Ex I spent one Christmas with my parents, all the others with his family.

Preciousbane · 03/12/2013 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyBeagleEyes · 03/12/2013 09:38

Could you show him this thread Op?
I'm angry on your behalf.

sunbathe · 03/12/2013 09:44

Ask him if his parents trailed round after his grandparents all the time.

It sounds really wearing.