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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does anyone else live with a man-child who wants to spend Christmas doing everything as he did it when he was a kid?

107 replies

MamaBear17 · 02/12/2013 17:39

Im fed up. DH is not talking to me because I have said that I would like to spend Christmas Eve with just him and DD. Previously, we have (most years) done whatever activity his parents have planned with his siblings and partners. This year though, DD is old enough to really understand what is going on so I want to take her out in the morning, go out for a nice lunch and then spend the afternoon baking and watching films. The PILs are disappointed and want to see us on Christmas Eve. We are spending Christmas morning with them and Christmas afternoon with my parents. We will probably see PIL every other day over the holidays including boxing day. We will go to all other get togethers, and probably pop in to see them Christmas eve morning anyway. But, I don't want to go to this years planned activity. DD can't join in because she is too young and it will take up the whole afternoon. I get on really well with PILs so there is no issue. DH says I am being selfish because he wants to spend Christmas Eve with his family, he will be missing out on doing things with his whole family and that isn't fair. I said that I wanted to build in one day of time just the three of us and that he couldn't expect Christmas to be the same as it was when he was a kid. He said that I am being unreasonable because Christmas, for him, is about his family and spending time together. Am I do wrong for wanting time without the grandparents for one afternoon? Why can't the stupid arse understand that I just want to spend some time with him and our dd? Grrr

OP posts:
Timetoask · 02/12/2013 18:14

I can understand how he feels. For me Christmas is not only our little family unit (we are together all the time anyway), its a chance to spend time with the extended family, for the children to enjoy the company of their other family.

Frankly, "watching tv" sounds a bit boring anyway.

Damnautocorrect · 02/12/2013 18:16

Check out if the ski place has a toddlers 'play in the snow' bit. The one in herts does and its fantastic they have sledges etc.
I appreciate it's not what you wanted or planned for Christmas Eve though.

LindyHemming · 02/12/2013 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheGreatWizardQuiQuaeQuod · 02/12/2013 18:17

I think it is extremely unreasonable for one party - be it the man or the woman - to say that for them, 'Christmas' is about THEIR family - not the family that they have created by marrying and having a child, but the family they were born into is 'their' family. and that christmas is about THEM.

How insulting and dismissive is that?

You're not my family and you're not who matters at christmas is what it sounds like.

How is that not utterly unreasonable?

It's not a gender issue. It would be equally unreasonable if it was the woman saying it.

AnotherWorld · 02/12/2013 18:18

Not talking to you is unreasonable.

His wanting to spend time with his parents isn't.

Your Christmas Eve plans sound a little dull to me. The kind if thing you'd do on a wet Sunday. I'd rather be skiing than baking so maybe that's why.

PMDD · 02/12/2013 18:19

If you mean that my dh is like a child in that someone else buys and wraps the presents, writes the cards, buys the food, prepares and cooks the food and washes up... well yes, my dh is very child like.

Bastard!

Fairylea · 02/12/2013 18:19

Good grief he's being totally unreasonable.

Buy him a childs felt Christmas stocking and send him off to his mums like a good little boy.

Of course I'm being daft (am I?) But this is madness... you and your dd are his primary family. Its not like you never see his parents!

Original poster
MamaBear17 · 02/12/2013 18:20

We spend lots of time together as an extended family. Very little just the three of us. We both work full time. We will see both sides of extended family a lot over Christmas. We will go out on Christmas eve, only the afternoon will be spent baking and dvd watching.Thanks for all the opinions.

OP posts:
Ubik1 · 02/12/2013 18:21

Yep - see if they do family sledging and stuff - then you can have a nice time as a family and not piss off the in-laws. TBH it sounds like fun!

The problem with establishing xmas traditions is that they can become a bit of a stick to beat everyone else with - why not just resolve to have a good time.

LindyHemming · 02/12/2013 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thebody · 02/12/2013 18:29

whether the op wants to spend Christmas Eve baking or watching tv or whatever she is bloody entitled to want to do it with just her, dd and her dh.

your dh is a big sissy op. sort him out!!

LadyBeagleEyes · 02/12/2013 18:32

I think Your Christmas Eve sounds lovely. It's my day when I want to just sit at home, eat nice stuff and drink Baileys in front of Carol's and The Snowman.
I've always kept Christmas Eve at home with just my ds and this year my sister and niece.
I love the fact all the shopping is done, presents are wrapped and I can relax before the madness.
Your plans don't sound boring at all OP and since you're going to spend half of the festivities with his family the selfish git should compromise.
Let him go on his own.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/12/2013 18:32

Maybe he worries the other spouses will also rebel.

Original poster
MamaBear17 · 02/12/2013 18:34

I think that sums up how I feel Euphemia. I love Christmas, I love my inlaws, I love my parents. We spend a day each weekend with each set of parents. We took the inlaws with us on the Santa express at the weekend. We will do lots of things together. I just want one tiny piece of Christmas just us three. When we are either the laws there are 11 of us and it is chaos. The grandparents take over with dd and I feel like I hardly see her. Im happy to take a back seat most of the time, but, in hurt that hubby can't understand why I want time just to ourselves.

OP posts:
TheGreatWizardQuiQuaeQuod · 02/12/2013 18:40

You take a back seat most of the time?

You mean that you are constantly less important to him than his parents and siblings?

It's nice that you're all so close, but it reads like there's barely a place for you here.

ArtisanLentilWeaver · 02/12/2013 18:41

Be firm. Tell your dh you are not going. He already knows why so no need to reiterate.
Enjoy the Christmas you would like as I think you already have your heart in your boots at the thought of sitting in a cafe on Christmas Day.

diddl · 02/12/2013 18:42

If he doesn't want to spend the day with the two of you, I'd send him off with his parents tbh.

Will you have any chance to have time just the three of you?

HappyAsASandboy · 02/12/2013 18:43

I think you and your DD should do things your way, since you don't want to ski and DD can't.

Let your H decide which family he wants to spend Christmas Eve with, but make it clear that he needs to be happy with his choice.

Timetoask · 02/12/2013 18:43

"We spend lots of time together as an extended family. Very little just the three of us."

This doesn't sound right. You are doing something wrong then surely. It should be the other way around.

Scarletohello · 02/12/2013 18:47

Curious to know where exactly you will be skiing in the UK..?

Pinupgirl · 02/12/2013 18:49

Ha another man child I had my own thread op about my dh demanding we invite inlaws for xmas even though I have spent 6 out of the last 8 xmas with them and we go to their's for dinner every bloody sundayAngry

Its not happening!-I have had good advice on here and I shall be following it. Inlaws are invited xmas morning or boxing day and dh can throw his toys out of the pram all he likes.

Let your dh strop. Ignore it.

LindyHemming · 02/12/2013 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MamaBear17 · 02/12/2013 18:52

On Christmas day, we will have about an hour before we get ready and leave out for his parents. Boxing day we will visit dhs nan then he will to to the football. On the 27th we are hosting a party. The rest of the week will involve visiting other family members and new years will be spent with the inlaws.Which is why I am determined to stay firm on the Christmas eve issue. Thanks to all. You are making me feel more confident that I am not being U just to want the afternoon.

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaBear17 · 02/12/2013 18:54

Its an indoor, artificial thing. Not real snow!

OP posts:
Snog · 02/12/2013 19:08

One Christmas we spent the whole day at home with just the three of us. It was the best Christmas ever for all of us!
OP YANBU and it is a shame your dh is not on the same page. His way of dealing with this is very immature - to say he will stay home and be unhappy - wtf?