To be really upset and angry that social services won't let a loving family adopt?

[neroli38]

NC'ed for this

I've wanted to adopt for a while and my DH is very on board.

We have everything to give a child - a big home with their own room, good schools, we have enough money to give a child everything they could possibly need. But most importantly, we have bucket loads of love and support to give

We have a 2 year old daughter, 3 in March. We both thought the best thing would be to adopt a child aged maybe 5-8. For several reasons, we don't have a burning desire to do the baby stage again and we would be happy to skip it, but we know older children get overlooked for adoption. Our new child would be in school, so I could still work part time and we wouldn't be losing much money. It fits in with the ages of our neighbours and friends children, so our new child would have lots of playmates

We thought that January would be a good time to start, so I phoned our local council up yesterday to make contact. I spoke to a social worker who asked us some questions about ourselves but then told me that because we have a 2 year old daughter, we can't adopt now. We can't adopt an older child full stop, only a child younger than our DD. We have to wait until our DD is 4 years old, then we can start the adoption process for a baby aged 0-2

I'm just really upset and a bit angry. Apparently they're crying out for parents but here we are, we have everything to give an older child - a world of love, a little sister who is lovely and we know would adore an older sibling, a nice house, private schools and lovely holidays and anything else else you could care to name

And we're not good enough, bcause of our DD. Why is that a problem??

AIBU? Are social services BU?

It's to protect your DD.

Well what reason did they give when you asked them why it's a problem?

it is not that you are not good enough it is because of your situation adopting a younger child works out better

i agree that on paper it all looks right but what if your child did not take to the adopted child there are so many issues that may come up with older children less so with younger children or babies

i wish more were able to adopt but to have a child put with adopted parents then taken away is devastating and that is what they work on to avoid

And quite possibly to protect an older adopted child - who would have a very disrupted start to their life - who may have the emotional make-up of somebody with a younger biological need and therefore need to be the especial focus of attention by their adoptive parents.

When you think about that, it's probably a great deal more important than 'private schools and lovely holidays'....

Ok i get you have had a knock back and are disappointed but please use the correct language. They havent said you arent good enough nor are thy 'not letting' you. They have said wait til your dd is 4 which is just over a year away. It really isnt about you. It is about the children involved and they have to make sure the circumstances are appropriate. They have been doing this for a long time and know more about their reasons than you do so i would be inclined to trust their judgement over yours tbh. Dont be angry- its a protective measure.

YANBU

Unfortunately neither are SS

I'm sure you're more than good enough

Your daughter is your oldest child and as far as social services are concerned that is an important thing. It is not beneficial for children to have their place in the family changed by adoption and therefore social services want to place older children with childless parents

They never said you weren't good enough to adopt they just want to do the best for your child and any child they place with you.

YANBU Dont get me started about SS

Unbelievable they are!
They put my Dsis through the bloody wringer when she was adopting.
They put my cousin through the wringer when she was trying to adopt her grandson (mother unfortunately was sectioned and unable to look after baby)
In both cases they put every bloomin obstacle in the way!!

Im so mad for OP and for the poor child you could offer a home to!

In my experience, A new child best fits when they fit in the natural order of things. If you had another biological child, your DD gets to be the big sister.

It is unfair to make DD the little sister, after so many years of being in the only child, eventual big sister role. A younger child will make much more sense for her.

They haven't said you can't adopt

They've said you can't adopt a child older than your DD. Your expectations sound quite unrealistic by the way - an older child needing adoption is going to need lots of support, they will have been through trauma, you won't be able to just keep working and have the child slot in with neighbourhood children.

Social services top priority is finding a good match for the children in their care, and keeping all the children involved safe. You desire to have a child of a particular age is irrelevant to them if it isn't in the children's best interests.

This is not really about you, and your desired to have another child and skip the baby stage.

This is in the best interest of both your and the adopted child.

Most adverts I see for older children clearly state that a house with a younger sibling will not be suitable due to the needs of the older child.

It is not like adopted child skips merrily along to school everyday and will fit easily in with your family situation, ready to love and adore your two year old.

You will be able to adopt - in a couple of year's time.
The rule is there for good reason.

Op,if you popover to the adoption board you will find lots of threads on the reasons why it is best to adopt a child you ger than your birth child. We are a friendly bunch and will give lots of advice.
Social services have not said you are not good enough or that you can't adopt at all. They have asked you to wait a while. You need to be a patient person to work with social services!

You could foster?

A friend looked into adoption and was also told that the adopted child had to be younger than her own dd. This was for the benefit of her own dd.

I can understand your frustration but I agree with SS and think it would be very difficult for your existing child to suddenly have an older sibling when any of her friends that have new siblings are looking forward to being the big sister/brother.

Hi OP (do feel free to pop over to the adoption board any time, if you need any more advice or explanations)

I've adopted 2 older children myself, so I can explain why SS have age gap rules

Firstly, I'm sure you do have a lot to give a child. And you CAN adopt - nothing you've said would rule you out of adopting a child younger than your DD

However, adoption, first and foremost, is about the adopted child. Social services won't take any risks, either with the children in care or with your own DD, and adoptions 'out of birth order' are very risky

The reasons for the rule are that:

Older children have usually been through a great deal. They have probably been abused/neglected and lived through a lot of disruption and chaos. Consequently they may have a lot of issues - my older children certainly have been through a lot and have a lot going on. Things ranging from aggression, raging, destruction of furniture and other objects, lying, stealing, sexualised and sexually reactive behaviour, controlling behaviour, attachment issues, academic delay, social delays, behaviour problems in school...and so on

You won't necessary know what the childs issues are when they move in, hopefully you would be told but some things are just not known about

It does put your little DD at risk. Her safety - physically, sexually, emotionally - is paramount

With an older child who doesn't have major issues with aggression or sexual behaviour, any behaviours they have are things your DD would likely copy, which would be challenging

Aside from that, ANY older child, no matter their issues, will need a huge deal of time and attention. They are likely to be emotionally younger than their years. You might wind up with two children competing for attention, one who desperately needs it because of their situation, and the other who needs attention because she's a young child. Except the adopted child will need MORE attention and time

Older children definitely need homes where they have buckets of love, BUT they also need homes with no younger children in, for everyone's protection and for the older childs benefit so they get to be the baby, have all (or most of!) the attention without taking too much away from another child

Your DD will be 4 quite soon, and then it seems they have no objection to you adopting a little one. Unless you definitely are done with 'baby' in which case in a few more years, your DD might be 8/9 and you could adopt say a 4/5 year old. With eyes wide open about what this might entail

Best wishes

One thing that I haven't seen mentioned is why this is in place to protect your DD.

Older children who are Crown Wards are not there without a history. Abuse and neglect can have very severe and longstanding ramifications - acting out sexually, violence, mental health issues, reactive attachment disorder is sadly very common in young school aged children who have been in the system, particularly if they have been bounced from one foster home to another, or in and out of their parent(s)' care.

This needs to be less about you (they never said you weren't good enough - they said "not now, and maybe not the way you think it should go") and more about the safety of your DD and the child you want to add to your home.

Adopting is not like a trip to Tesco or a browse through Amazon (you can't give the SW a shopping list and expect them to hand over a child that fits your criteria - no matter how much money you have). These are children who have already been betrayed by those sworn to protect them. They are rarely the romanticised version of orphans you can swoop in and rescue. In virtually all cases, they have been removed from their parents' homes, parental rights have been terminated or relinquished by court order but not until there was sufficient evidence (via abuse, neglect etc.) to do so.

Be patient, and enjoy your DD - she might be a big sister some day.

Well, it hadn't been mentioned when I started writing my response - sorry for the cross-post

Social services definitely don't really care about holidays, private schools etc

People adopt from all backgrounds and it doesn't affect whether it turns out well or not

I'm on a very low income, and in receipt of some benefits, and I have no money do give them many things at all. What I can give them is support, strong therapetic parenting, understanding, patience, empathy...etc. Things they absolutely need

On the other hand, some very wealthy people adopt and make wonderful families

It's about expectations. If you expect an older child to slot in and not have many issues, whatever lifestyle you have, you are probably going to wind up in problems. If you just happen to have lots of lovely things, but don't expect the child to slot in and are prepared, things are much more likely to go well

They usually prefer to place a child that is younger than the child you already have, so that the child's place isn't the family isn't changed.

It isn't because you are not good enough, really it isn't.

Private schools and holidays are not enough, loads of love isn't enough. You need to be prepared to take in a child who may have been abused and/or have attachment/behavioural issues.

Try again when your little girl is older.

We have also looked into adoption. Due to Dh age we were told we would have to adopt a child of 7 or older BUT we also can only adopt a child younger than our DD now 6. And as the minimum age of child we can adopt gets older as DH does.....we will not be able to adopt. Very frustrating indeed..............