To be really upset and angry that social services won't let a loving family adopt?

[neroli38]

NC'ed for this

I've wanted to adopt for a while and my DH is very on board.

We have everything to give a child - a big home with their own room, good schools, we have enough money to give a child everything they could possibly need. But most importantly, we have bucket loads of love and support to give

We have a 2 year old daughter, 3 in March. We both thought the best thing would be to adopt a child aged maybe 5-8. For several reasons, we don't have a burning desire to do the baby stage again and we would be happy to skip it, but we know older children get overlooked for adoption. Our new child would be in school, so I could still work part time and we wouldn't be losing much money. It fits in with the ages of our neighbours and friends children, so our new child would have lots of playmates

We thought that January would be a good time to start, so I phoned our local council up yesterday to make contact. I spoke to a social worker who asked us some questions about ourselves but then told me that because we have a 2 year old daughter, we can't adopt now. We can't adopt an older child full stop, only a child younger than our DD. We have to wait until our DD is 4 years old, then we can start the adoption process for a baby aged 0-2

I'm just really upset and a bit angry. Apparently they're crying out for parents but here we are, we have everything to give an older child - a world of love, a little sister who is lovely and we know would adore an older sibling, a nice house, private schools and lovely holidays and anything else else you could care to name

And we're not good enough, bcause of our DD. Why is that a problem??

AIBU? Are social services BU?

One of the truisms in the adoption world is that it is risky to adopt out of birth order. I know of some situations (international adoption) when families adopted out of birth order which were complete disasters. But I also know of some situations that were unqualified successes.

It does seem misguided for Social Services to institute a blanket ban on adopting an older child simply because the family in question already has a younger child. IMO, adopting out of birth order should be the exception rather than the rule (for many of the reasons detailed by others above), but it shouldn't be dismissed out of hand.

I'm glad you've posted here and got more information about this. Does strike me that you don't seem to have been terribly well-informed about the way adoption works - have you done much research?

I know they said we could adopt a younger child in a few years time, but I thought there aren't a lot of young babies in care and maybe they should be adopted by childless couples who won't be able to experience 'baby' unless they adopt a baby? I don't think I'm selfish for not really wanting another small baby

Do most 5-8 year olds in care have all these problems? I know a family near me that foster, they've had a couple of children aged 5-8 and they don't seem feral or out of control

I know it won't be easy, but surely there are some children out there who don't have issues with 'sexualised' behaviour or violence? Children who with our parenting and love, can work through any problems they have and do really well?

Of course I don't want to put my DD at risk, I'm just surprised that apparently all older children have these major problems

To clarify, I don't think we're better than any other parents just because we have money and can go on lovely holidays! Sorry if I phrased that badly. I just thought for a child whose had so little in life, it would be fantastic for them to have all this for the rest of their childhoods

DP and I looked into adoption. We had thought after our biological DCs we'd prob adopt a couple more. The thing that'll stop us is that the adoptee has to have its own room. Makes sense for a troubled teenager, but for a small child? Would this have to be forever? My bio DCs will share a room.... Could cause resentment.

There are certain quirks in the system but I think from what I've read the whole thing is becoming more inclusive of different set ups.

as i understand it it is to create a natural age sibling relationship what if an older child dint like your dd what if they harmed it what if your dd reacted badly to a n older child coming in to take over mummy, it is quite simple really it is for all the family not just the parents, you can't get a child to tailor your wants I am sorry it is all about the child you can have pots of money and every thing under the sun but children come with their own issues, sorry to sound harsh maybe try again when your little girl is a bit older,

One other minor thing that may not yet have been mentioned.
The starting in Januray part - as far as I am aware, it wouldnt be all dont and dusted by January.

I agree with the PP who said you sound incredibly naïve and I think you do need to look more into things if you are serious about proceeding.

You DD should be the eldest. It is the natural order of things. FWIW I think YABU ordering a child that fits into your lifestyle. Warning flag for me is your wanting a school age child so your financial situation won't change and the child will fit in with neighbours kids..... Older foster children need more attention. As everyone else has said. They are not saying you are not good enough because of your DD. They are offering you adoptive children in birth order. I am also a bit at 'because of our Dd'

yes I do think that wanting a child of a certain age to fit into your lifestyle and give them everything is a bit to much and demanding I think Mrsdv put it better than i could but yes to everything she said

They are not 'feral' or 'out of control' no, but attachment disorder and the things they will have been through carry deep issues.

I have 3 lots of friends who have adopted children aged 4+ and they have had longstanding complex things to deal with. They have dealt with them successfully but it has taken immense patience and input. I can completely see why their needs would be incompatible with a toddler / pre-schooler, and a younger child.

Lots of adoptions of older children break down because people are unprepared for the complexity and intensity of their needs

Don't take it personally. The SS decision definitely isn't about you being a problem in any way.

YANBU and YABU, and naive to boot

Instead of raging against the system that is put in place to protect children, and their adoptive families, why don't you try fostering?

and they don't seem feral or out of control

Urm Feral this is children you are talking about not cats, do you really think children who are in care are that adjusted even if your friends are carers these little kids might seem normal but these little kids come with their own emotional problems, god forbid you got a feral one eh

An 8 year who is being adopted will have issues. They will have spent time in care, and they will have been taken from their birth family where they will have suffered some sort of physical or emotional abuse, or neglect. Despite this, the likelihood is that they will still want to be with their birth parents. They will have a lot of emotional issues surrounding all this. There are many good reasons why the adopted child needs to be the younger child. This is to protect them and their needs, as well as your own children. You need to have a huge amount emotionally to give that child. You cannot expect them to just slot in, and there should never be an expectation that they will. You need to adopt for the sake of that child, not what fits in best with you. If you ever have any doubt about that, then adoption is not right for you.

Wow! Lots more research to be done before you sound even vaguely aware of what you would be stepping into.

Most adopted children arent adopted because they need good schools and an annual holiday! They will have come from any number of traumatic backgrounds and will have a lot of issues an needs that you will have to committ 100% to helping them work through. Many will never be able to recover from what they have experienced and you will have to accept that your life will not just sail along as before.

i think you have shown how little you understand about adopting an older child by referring to children as being feral and out of control

look more into it, read other peoples experiences and if you still feel it is right for your family adopt in a few years what is the rush

All the children in care have been through trauma, and most older children are very traumatised children, who do have a lot of issues. Not necessarily with violence or sexualised behaviour, although they are both relatively common, but many other things

Some great examples given already:

My older kids wanted McDonalds every second day because that was what they'd been raised on. They both hoarded food, one of mine had no clue what 'full' was (genuinely couldn't feel it due to neglect messing up her sensations) so ate till physically sick then carried on eating

My DD2 kept demanding I give her alcohol (she was 8 when she came home, so clearly the answer was no), it turns out because she used to be given alcopops every weeks and got drunk on them (she was 2-4 year old at the time)

They hated holidays I tried (the few days in a caravan in a Haven park with Sun vouchers which was all I could afford), because they didn't believe we would ever come home, and I would abandon them there

Older children don't believe your reassurances that you won't dump them or send them away. They've already been sent away too many times for your words to be anything other than hollow and meaningless

My children had very fixed ideas and personalities and opinions

They have had real struggles forming relationships and feeling love

My eldest, who was a young teen at the time, came home one day and said 'a girl in my class was going on about how much she loves her mum, but I don't know what she was talking about', 'what is love, I don't feel anything'

Basically, abuse and neglect might not necessarily result in a child with sexualised behaviour or serious aggression, but abuse/neglect affects brain development and children who have through the care system nearly all have a LOT of issues. Raising an older child can be a real challenge. You would need to give up all work for a year anyway, and then judge whether you can go back after that

I adopted older children partly because I was not in any way, shape or form a baby person (at the time). I don't think it's wrong to much prefer older children, because that was me all over, BUT again you have to be realistic about the needs of the older children who are waiting, and be comfortable with that

I think you should use the next year and a bit (because you cant start the process before then anyway) to do your homework into adoption and find out as much as possible about what your life will be like with an adopted child. Speak with lots of agencies, adoptive parents, adults adopted as children, your family and friends (ask them for very honest opinions) and anyone else you can get in touch with to see how suited you are to caring for a child with such complex needs.

Not all children in care are eligible for adoption. I know someone who was in care for 16 years. She was not under a care order. Her parents could have asked for her back at any point if they wanted. (Not sure if it would have been easy to get her back after that long).
The children you know in care may also be in that situation. Very different to being in care from birth.