To be really upset and angry that social services won't let a loving family adopt?

[neroli38]

NC'ed for this

I've wanted to adopt for a while and my DH is very on board.

We have everything to give a child - a big home with their own room, good schools, we have enough money to give a child everything they could possibly need. But most importantly, we have bucket loads of love and support to give

We have a 2 year old daughter, 3 in March. We both thought the best thing would be to adopt a child aged maybe 5-8. For several reasons, we don't have a burning desire to do the baby stage again and we would be happy to skip it, but we know older children get overlooked for adoption. Our new child would be in school, so I could still work part time and we wouldn't be losing much money. It fits in with the ages of our neighbours and friends children, so our new child would have lots of playmates

We thought that January would be a good time to start, so I phoned our local council up yesterday to make contact. I spoke to a social worker who asked us some questions about ourselves but then told me that because we have a 2 year old daughter, we can't adopt now. We can't adopt an older child full stop, only a child younger than our DD. We have to wait until our DD is 4 years old, then we can start the adoption process for a baby aged 0-2

I'm just really upset and a bit angry. Apparently they're crying out for parents but here we are, we have everything to give an older child - a world of love, a little sister who is lovely and we know would adore an older sibling, a nice house, private schools and lovely holidays and anything else else you could care to name

And we're not good enough, bcause of our DD. Why is that a problem??

AIBU? Are social services BU?

I was adopted as an older kid, within your age range. The reason I was adopted was that I was severely abused, I had sexualised behaviour as a result, I was volatile, violent and difficult. But lets say that a kid doesn't have that. They will have left their parents -and everything they've ever known- and told a billion different things, they will have gone to a foster home and then maybe some more and some more homes, they have lost any sense of stability, they think -or feel- that at any moment all promises can be broken, eveyrthing will change again, they will lose you and their schools and their friends and their playmates, because that is what has happened so many times before. A child who is not severely damaged through abuse and neglect will be damaged and traumatised just by being in care! Attachment disorders, being mistrustful, that is completely normal.

If you'd tried to take me on holiday when I was a kid, I knew they were going to leave me there. Because I had five foster parents and I'd moved from where I'd grown up. I knew all about moving and changing and this was what was my normal, it takes a long time to get past that feeling.

Many older children need stability and complete attention. With a 3yo, stability and routine just isn't going to happen! They're quirky and fun and lovely, but many kids, like me, with attachment disorders and trauma won't be able to deal with that. And their own behaviour, often extreme, or unnatural or simply completely different to everything you want, will make it hard for her too.

You sound like it is all about you and of course it isn't.
It is a general ruling to everyone and is there to protect your dd.
You need to do some research about adoption and what it actually means to adopt a child. It isn't about what you can offer in terms of money, good schools, big house etc.
It's not even about love at first because this is something that grows.
Its knowing you want to do this above everything else because the child you have is best suited to you and your family.
I don't think your intentions are bad, in fact you sound a lovely mother, but please do some research.

OP i really find your approach to this rather depressing. I cannot add anything to that already posted, but i agree that you need to spend the next 1-2 years thoroughly researching the implications of adopting an older child. Read the boards on here for a start.

Do most 5-8 year olds in care have all these problems?
All children placed for adoption will have some kind of emotional damage. They may be quiet, withdrawn, compliant and passive and that would look to you like a well behaved child, but it doesn't mean they aren't hugely damaged.
I know a family near me that foster, they've had a couple of children aged 5-8 and they don't seem feral or out of control
That word tells me you are a million miles away from ever being suitable adoptive parents. Shocking.

You have received some great advice here - I hope you take it on board. Your OP sounds a bit like you want to put an "order" in for a nice conveniently aged child without having ANY clue what that entails. Money can't buy you everything. Your use of the word "feral" was particularly unpleasant.

Everyone has to start somewhere though Amberleaf. When we felt ready to adopt we picked up the phone and had a long chat with PACT who explained everything including the age order rule. We hadn't trawled the internet first. I was very surprised by the info - and as a family we have a long history in fostering.

Sometimes the information takes a while to assimilate.

I'm pleasantly surprised by how many people on this thread understand the needs of older children in care, and some of the impact of neglect and abuse! After banging my head against a brick wall for over 15 years trying to make friends, family, schools and other professionals understand that my children are not just 'badly behaved'

I adopted for the first time in 1996 and although I did have some experience of children in care, I hadn't done a huge amount of research. Much better to do it beforehand! There's far far more out there than there was back then.

One of the most impactful things I heard when we were going through the adoption assessment process was "this isn't about finding children for families......it's about finding families for children".

Their needs come first. Always. Without exception.

I would reiterate the PP, re research etc. reading the adoption UK forums is hugely educational and I found that helped me get a realistic view on adoption. I began with a definite romantic view of adoption!!

We have now adopted a little boy who's nearly five. Great to hear you are interested in adopting an older child, as not every prospective adopter is.

I think using words like "feral" are prone to antagonise though. If you used that kind of expression with a social worker, I imagine they would be pretty unimpressed.

Good luck if you do decide to adopt in a few years when your child is older. It's a wonderful thing to do.

Op, I feel you are too set on what YOU want - you have an over simplified view of a perfect family, the perfect life where all will be sweet and rosy and exactly what you want. That's not the reality of having a natural family, never mind adopting, where - as many have pointed out- the child may have very severe emotional and behavioural issues. Some scars they may never recover fully from even with all the love, patience and positive experiences you can shower on them.

I think maybe you ought to consider fostering, which you can "get out of", and get some experience, see how your DD copes, before you consider adoption.

Tbh, if you are this emotional after 1 setback, you ate really going to struggle as an adopter because the children will take you to your emotional limits every day. Most children who are available for adoption as singles are simply not suited to having a secure younger sibling to contend with as well as parents. I fostered older children when my daughter was young, and if I could have my time again, I would have not messed with birth order.

my friend adopted her first child and STILL had to wait until that child was 4+ before SS would consider them adopting again

it's not YOU op it's normal practice and it's about meeting the needs of ALL the children involved - which is what adoptions is about - children - not what adults want and when they want it

Bit upset by how some posters are saying things like I want to pre order a child, I DON'T. I never wanted to adopt so I could get the kind of child I wanted, I just wanted to give a child who needed a home, a home, and it seemed to me like we might be able to give a home to a child who might be overlooked by other adoptive parents who want a baby or a toddler. Nor do I think money can solve issues, I never said that at all. Please don't put words in my mouth

Yes I do see now why social services won't let us adopt an older child. As I said I would never want to put my DD at risk. I know I can't handle a child who is violent or has issues with sex abuse, I just couldn't do it

Thanks to the people who explained it without attacking me

I still think adopting is something we would think about, but okay wait until our DD is older and adopt a young child. But I really thought it was rare that a baby would be adopted, someone told me that the average age for an adopted child is 3 or 4 or something like that?

Wow, OP. You are quite naive about all of this. I realise we all start somewhere with our knowledge of adoption, but your attitude seems to be the wrong way round. Adoption is always about the children, not the families.
I adopted out of birth order. It was a very unusual and carefully managed process and I am an experienced adopter. It's been a challenge and is definitely not for the faint hearted.
I suggest you hang out on the adoption board until your DD is older.

OP it might help you to do a little research into attachment and the adoption process. When i was training to be a social worker the book that we referred to a lot was A Child's Journey Through Placement by Vera Fahlberg. Someone who has trained recently may be able to say if this text is still used. I did my 2nd placement in an adoption and fostering team and found the book invaluable.

All children who are adopted come with some sort of baggage and you need to be as best prepared as possible. It will certainly help you when you begin the assessment process to have read up all that you can about adoption.

It can be a long and difficult process with no promise of a suitable match at the end of it. You and your DH will have to be prepared to answer a series of difficult questions and really examine why you want to adopt.

Above all your own child will need to be old enough and resilient to handle the inevitable disruption that adopting will bring. This is why they ask you to wait.

I am feeling a bit sorry for the op here.
I think that her heart is in the right place.

And with some help and guidance and research and better timing, they may well make ace adoptive parents.

I would not want the op and others to be put off adoption by this thread.

I just think although you are kind at heart you do not seem to understand that children really need much more than a good school and a nice big house If you want to adopt adopt but please dont do it with your eyes closed yes some folk have been harsh but honest with you I think you need to hear some harshness people are not being cruel and you need to not be so sensitive if you want to adopt, did you honestly not realise that children would have problems attached when they were in care,

neroli - the adopted children I know are lovely but they are challenging. Even the ones who were adopted at a young age (under 3) have serious emotional issues. Even if you adopt a baby, it will have emotional issues.

Everyone has to start somewhere though Amberleaf. When we felt ready to adopt we picked up the phone and had a long chat with PACT who explained everything including the age order rule. We hadn't trawled the internet first. I was very surprised by the info - and as a family we have a long history in fostering

Yes, that's true.

TBH for me it isn't the lack of knowledge on the realities of adoption that is bothering me here, it is the attitude from the OP that all that is missing in a potential adoptees life is the nice things in life, some parenting and love. That if the OP gives that to a child then all will be well [but not of course to a damaged child or a 'feral' one] it sounds as though she doesn't want to have to work too hard.

My Mum was a foster carer. When she first started looking into doing it, she wasn't sure if they would 'want her' as she was a single parent and lived in a council house. They did though, she passed the vetting, did the training and was a very good foster Mum for many years. She even ended up being a foster carer training facilitator for social services.

A huge part of her job was helping the children deal with issues they had as a result of the reasons behind them coming into care. She was on a radio programme about fostering, they wanted to talk about 'problem children' she corrected them that they weren't problem children, just children with problems. Some children went on to be adopted, most did not, some were deemed 'unfosterable' because of the issues they had [probably attachment disorders, but they didn't say that then] My Mum long term fostered the child who was apparently unfosterable, she didn't agree with their assessment.

There is so much more to a successful placement than having nice stuff and giving love and care. Some children don't know what to do with all of that. it just isn't that straightforward.

This thread has reminded me of one girl we fostered, she had been adopted at about age 7 by a rich family [she had a traumatic start in life which I obviously won't go in to], she went to private school and had everything money could buy. The adoption placement broke down because it 'wasn't working', even with all those lovely things, she still had problems, which her adoptive parents thought would be addressed by giving her access to private school, a horse and a nice house. They were nice enough people, but naive.

So I don't think it is as simple as the OP not having researched enough, I don't think she has the right attitude full stop.