Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

To be really upset and angry that social services won't let a loving family adopt?

175 replies

neroli38 · 02/12/2013 16:00

NC'ed for this

I've wanted to adopt for a while and my DH is very on board.

We have everything to give a child - a big home with their own room, good schools, we have enough money to give a child everything they could possibly need. But most importantly, we have bucket loads of love and support to give

We have a 2 year old daughter, 3 in March. We both thought the best thing would be to adopt a child aged maybe 5-8. For several reasons, we don't have a burning desire to do the baby stage again and we would be happy to skip it, but we know older children get overlooked for adoption. Our new child would be in school, so I could still work part time and we wouldn't be losing much money. It fits in with the ages of our neighbours and friends children, so our new child would have lots of playmates

We thought that January would be a good time to start, so I phoned our local council up yesterday to make contact. I spoke to a social worker who asked us some questions about ourselves but then told me that because we have a 2 year old daughter, we can't adopt now. We can't adopt an older child full stop, only a child younger than our DD. We have to wait until our DD is 4 years old, then we can start the adoption process for a baby aged 0-2

I'm just really upset and a bit angry. Apparently they're crying out for parents but here we are, we have everything to give an older child - a world of love, a little sister who is lovely and we know would adore an older sibling, a nice house, private schools and lovely holidays and anything else else you could care to name

And we're not good enough, bcause of our DD. Why is that a problem??

AIBU? Are social services BU?

OP posts:

Original poster

neroli38 · 02/12/2013 22:08

I didn't realise there was an adoption board! I'll have a look for it and introduce myself there

I think I have even more questions than before now

OP posts:

SPSJSAT · 02/12/2013 22:10

They/we will help answer them

Golddigger · 02/12/2013 22:12

Good neroli38. That is par for the course.

Lilka · 02/12/2013 22:12

Adoptions is over here - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions and if you need it in future, it's under the 'becoming a parent' category

Having questions is good, normal, everyone has them! It would be odd if you didn't have questions or concerns about adding another child to your family, especially in this way, which is alien to you if you've never had any experience with adoption or fostering

By the way, MNHQ, most of us adoptive parents really think it should be under 'Being a Parent' instead, given it's not just a process, but has long term whole-of-childhood issues and implications

ThePlEWhoLovedMe · 02/12/2013 22:19

Stop scaremongering.

Nothing further from my mind but I do not have to try again. It is very real but yes you are correct in that it is not the only reason.

Original poster

neroli38 · 02/12/2013 22:22

thanks for the link Lilka :)

OP posts:

BrianTheMole · 02/12/2013 22:28

Brian I am assuming that your father is at least middle aged?

That wasn't my post MrsDevere way back there. I was quoting someone elses post to ask them a question. My dad wasn't adopted, and he's very old. Sadly I'm the middle aged one.

Glad you're taking some of this on board op. I think the adoption threads would have a lot to offer you. Hope it works out for you in the future.

Mimishimi · 02/12/2013 22:29

It's possible that they want parents who have had experience raising children that age. They might also be worried that you want to adopt an older child to be a general skivvy/babysitter. I think that is a very valid concern although they probably are not your motivations at all.

ZombieMonkeyButler · 02/12/2013 22:34

OMG OP. Two of my four siblings are adoptive parents. None of their children are "feral" or "out of control". They all, however, have deep issues that are not apparent to the general public.

To the rest of the world they are beautifully well behaved, well adjusted children. And, to be fair, mostly they are - the insecurities and problems are definitely there though. They need to be the youngest children in a family for a reason.

SPSJSAT · 02/12/2013 22:35

By the way, MNHQ, most of us adoptive parents really think it should be under 'Being a Parent' instead, given it's not just a process, but has long term whole-of-childhood issues and implications

This.

Morloth · 02/12/2013 22:36

Everyone has to start somewhere, just take your time and learn and talk as much as possible.

Remember that even in the very best of circumstances something has gone horribly wrong for a child to need a new family.

OddFodd · 02/12/2013 22:42

neroli - you've just gone up in my estimation 200%. You heard some hard truths, you listened and you accepted that you needed to learn more. That makes me think that you'd be a suitable adoptive parent way more than you being able to afford good schools and other trappings.

I really hope you get to complete your family

Kewcumber · 02/12/2013 22:45

I don;t have much to add to what the other adoptive parents have said but just to add that even if you are prepared for some of the issues which may crop up, if your newly adoptive child is agressive or sexually abusive to your child, you have the added complication that you are unlikely to have bonded with your new child but you will (presumably!) be totally bonded with your existing child. How on earth you would deal with this in a way thats fair to both children if you have say a four year old being abused by an 8 year old I have no idea.

The other way around, its much easier to discuss with an 8 year old how to handle and aggressive or sexualised 4 year old so even if you aren't bonded yet with the 4 year old its easier for you to be fair in parenting them because you have fewer concerns/protective instincts for your borth child.

I'm not totally sure that actually made any sense!

OddFodd · 02/12/2013 22:52

God my last post was really patronising. Sorry

MrsDeVere · 02/12/2013 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oldnewmummy · 02/12/2013 23:58

OP: have a read of No Matter What by Sally Donovan - it gives a really great insight into the day-to-day realities of adopting children who've suffered trauma.

And good luck.

sashh · 03/12/2013 07:04

Why is that a problem??

You really have not thought this through have you? Older children come with baggage. They are traumatised, they often 'act up' smearing is not uncommon.

A child who has had a crap start in life needs not just love but attention. You may not be able to work part time if that child is running away from school or you have to collect them every day because they are violent to other children.

It is fantastic that you want to adopt and although my post is negative please don't give up. But do look at the realities.

Phone back today, say you are still interested but know you will have to wait. During that wait you can prepare, not to be a parent, but to be an adoptive parent.

tiggytape · 03/12/2013 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mylittlesunshine · 03/12/2013 09:42

My aunt has adopted a boy of 6 and has had a lot of stress and worries trying to settle him, he didn't just slot into school and fit right in. His behaviour at school was challenging and disruptive so it wasn't a case of inviting friends round after school etc and having lovely play dates as the other kids didn't like him or want to play with him.

The same happened with her friends, she can't let him go on sleepovers with the other kids, or leave him at a birthday party, her friends children don't like him as he steals their sweets, toys, is violent etc so my aunt gets invited out less and less, so even if you do have a big friends network the idea of an adopted child making friends easily and you all going off and having lovely days out together is probably pretty slim.

Holidays are an absolute no go area, he panics, wets the bed becomes really violent even though she promises she is going nowhere he just can't believe it as he has been let down so many times already in his short life.

My aunt doesn't have any other children so can focus on him lots and give him the attention he needs, she has had to change her job and lifestyle to fit around him, he doesn't just fit around her.

SilverApples · 03/12/2013 09:48

There are so many knowledgeable and compassionate people on this thread.
I know someone who adopted a child under 4 who had LDs and a lifelong medical condition, neither of which she knew about at the time.
It's been a long, hard journey, but the parents rose to the needs of their child magnificently, despite it not being what they were prepared for, or had any idea was on the cards. Huge demands and heartache rather than the idyll they had pictured.
An amazing couple.

moldingsunbeams · 03/12/2013 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 03/12/2013 10:06

It's not about you not being good enough.

But generally children fit best into a family when things follow the natural order. It is a thorough analysis of child psychology that informs this view. There are exceptions. But they are rare. And if you are asking to be considered for adoption then SS will not easily, or at all, agree to your request for an older child. While I am sure you are loving and well intentioned there was a hint in your post of how much better/convenient it would be for you to have an older child. This will not be a consideration for SS.

I'm sure you have thought if this, but happy functional families do not just give up their school age children for adoption and therefore almost all the older children available (save for very very rare cases of true orphans with no other family) will either have been in foster care for some time and/or have been the subject of neglect or abuse. These children will not 'slot in' to your lovely life and will need masses of help and support; to an extent that they need to be the 'baby'.

There is also a far higher rate of placement breakdown with older children. And that risk is exacerbated when there are already children in the household.

If you were not given a decent explanation by SS why they do not think you are suitable to adopt an older child then YANBU to be upset. But if all this (and more, I've only touched the surface of it here) was explained and you still feel that you know best then I'm afraid that YABU

FrauMoose · 03/12/2013 10:13

I think the problem is that journalists
a) don't understand the law
and
b) are writing to a tight deadline
and
c) prefer a juicy sensational human interest story with lots of strong statements to a rather dull and complex statement about the statutory duties and powers of various authorities, and confining themselves to the relatively few agreed facts that are currently known.

Do we honestly trust popular journalists to tell us the truth about the world? Or are they in a branch of the entertainment business, where what's just important to get something - anything out quick, while a story is still 'hot'?

FrauMoose · 03/12/2013 10:16

Sorry wrong thread - ignore the above post.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 03/12/2013 10:43

OP your updating posts came as I was drafting mine.

You do really sound like you want to take all the advice you have been given on board.

I wish you luck in your journey.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread