To be really upset and angry that social services won't let a loving family adopt?

[neroli38]

NC'ed for this

I've wanted to adopt for a while and my DH is very on board.

We have everything to give a child - a big home with their own room, good schools, we have enough money to give a child everything they could possibly need. But most importantly, we have bucket loads of love and support to give

We have a 2 year old daughter, 3 in March. We both thought the best thing would be to adopt a child aged maybe 5-8. For several reasons, we don't have a burning desire to do the baby stage again and we would be happy to skip it, but we know older children get overlooked for adoption. Our new child would be in school, so I could still work part time and we wouldn't be losing much money. It fits in with the ages of our neighbours and friends children, so our new child would have lots of playmates

We thought that January would be a good time to start, so I phoned our local council up yesterday to make contact. I spoke to a social worker who asked us some questions about ourselves but then told me that because we have a 2 year old daughter, we can't adopt now. We can't adopt an older child full stop, only a child younger than our DD. We have to wait until our DD is 4 years old, then we can start the adoption process for a baby aged 0-2

I'm just really upset and a bit angry. Apparently they're crying out for parents but here we are, we have everything to give an older child - a world of love, a little sister who is lovely and we know would adore an older sibling, a nice house, private schools and lovely holidays and anything else else you could care to name

And we're not good enough, bcause of our DD. Why is that a problem??

AIBU? Are social services BU?

I know I can't handle a child who is violent or has issues with sex abuse, I just couldn't do it

IMO adopting isn't something you should pursue.

I will never forget the comments of a friend of mine who was quite a way through the assessment stage.
When told that she might have to think about giving up work and that her career couldn't come first was mortified.
She thought she was doing ss a favour by taking a child to adopt, and that all her and her dhs needs would be met, not the childs.
My friend isn't uncaring and would make a lovely mum, and many parents don't give up careers, but unfortunately sometimes it is the childs needs that determine this and so many other possibilities and factors that most people wouldn't consider.

Cutting to the chase here, and forgive me, but with this OP, it is necessary.

Do you realise, OP, that instead of enhancing your life and the life of your DD, that you are unquestionably going to make it worse? Are you able to sign away your contentment? Are you able to sign away your DD's contentment?

Because that is what you are proposing to do. It is a hard and difficult journey.

It can have rewards. It can have rewards. But often, more often than not (I would venture to say) it doesn't. You have no idea what you are suggesting.

That's a very strange statement Earningsthread - what on earth qualifies you to say that all adoptive families have worse lives?

Maybe I am a bit naive about older children. I do know that children in care have been taken away from their families and they might have some issues or bad behaviour and definitely confusion (but I wasn't thinking really extreme things like lots of aggresion and violence and sexualised behaviour - what exactly does that mean by the way?) but I thought with time and stability and love they would be able to work through it. I didn't think most things would be very long term, and good parenting can overcome most things unless the child has special needs. But everyone says that that isn't the case, and it affects their brain etc. And yes, I accept that I am naive. I haven't done a lot of research, I looked up adoption a bit but didn't come across any of this. The basic requirements of the council website did not mention about age gaps, just things like criminal record. I never thought that nice things would help problems, just that they would be nice for a child to have and I couldn't help thinking that if any children deserved nice things in life, it was children who've been through the care system. I was sad to read stories of children who hated going away on holiday because they didn't think they would be brought back again. It makes sense, but I didn't think about it

I think before we got our 12 year old, if i had known the impact it would have on me, with a newborn, my life and my family I might not have done it. But we did do it and we rose to the challenge and it was oK. We were not prepared, we knew nothing about it, SS were not involved, yet we are a success story.

It is true that you will need to consider the potential impact on your child. I could link to a documentary made about my brother's family and their foster children. WHen they got their first placement the child was only 7 years younger than my SIL and she brought huge problems, they all got through it.

Since you probably have to wait a year or more, someone upthread suggested that you read the adoption boards. I think that that would be a good idea for you.

You need to do a huge amount of thinking over the next few years, until you become eligible to adopt an older child.

If you have even the slightest doubt about your ability to cope with anything that could conceivably raise its head as part of the difficulties an adopted child might face, then don't do it.

I'm not an adoptive parent, but in my line of work I have come across many children in the care system, and many care-leavers. I've read accounts of abuse, and of the impact it has had on children, and I've been in the desperately sad position of representing children who have been so catastrophically damaged that they have found themselves in the criminal justice system, perpetuating the behaviour they were subjected to.

The vast majority of children needing adoptive families will have some difficulties arising from their background, and there won't always be a way to predict what those difficulties will be. If you're not ready to take whatever is thrown at you, then you shouldn't even think about doing it.

What is the name of that author who is a Foster career and has published loads of books about troubled children she has looked after? I know some people don't like her books but I find them fascinating, although very upsetting.

Maybe the OP could read a few to get an idea as to what issues children can present with after having been through the care system.

It will anyone e now that I can't think of her name. I read one of her books about a girl called Jpdie and it just shocked me to the core what some children have to endure and how much damage it causes them.

Adoptive children (and I did want very much to adopt) have more psychological issues and have a far greater likelihood of criminality. They do not achieve as highly as their non-adopted counterparts in school. It's just a harder path.

I think successful adopters are to be venerated tbh. IME they are selfless individuals.

A nice house doesn't just fix things. You need to think about what you are giving up and you need to think about what your DD is giving up. It is potential disruption to your family that you cannot ever disengage from.

I have been a bit harsh but you did need to hear this stuff. Go on the courses. Learn about it.

neroli I had, what is called, sexualised behaviour due to extreme sexual abuse as a child.

This meant, for me, not knowing normal boundaries, so private parts and what they are. This was in relation to other people.

It also meant that, for example, when kids might be playing my little pony/mum and dad/etc; my idea of a game was more sexualised (or rather idea of normal life) so could even involve simulation of sexual acts.

It also meant that normal boundaries were not clear. To gain attention from my adoptive parents, I would do things which would have 'gained attention' from my biological parents (of rather, things they would do to me).

I agree molding

Children need stability and familiarity.

However horrible, traumatising and tragic the abuse or neglect they may have suffered, this is their normal, this is familiar, this is what feels safe. Eh are hurt and scared and angry, many foster children attempt to run away- many to try and get back home, even.

I do think sometimes people with little experience of the care system imagine a Victorian style orphanage with a lot of cherubic Oliver Twist types just waiting for Mr Brownlow to come along and give them the chance they needed. The reality is of course very different but not something people hear about often. I think a lot of people still think it's just a case of bringing a child into their family and treating it like one of the family, they have no idea of how hard it is to get to that point - if you ever can. OP I don't think you're by any means the only person to want to adopt who doesn't have a full understanding of what it's like but please make sure it's the right thing for everyone involved before you do it.

Writer Is it Cathy Glass you are thinking of? I have looked through these in bookshops. I have to say that they make me a little uncomfortable as it feels a bit like people's horrible lives are being commodified without them even having a choice in it - but that's for another thread. It would certainly show the darker elements of fostering or adoption, I guess.

More generally - I have no experience to speak of in this area but I also feel it's a bit unpleasant to have a go at the OP for not having done research. I have had various long-term illnesses and have often been told by medical professionals to avoid looking online for info because 'you'll get all the horror stories and it's best to get your information from us'. Perhaps the same logic might make sense to prospective adopters. Also, given that there is still - I believe - a shortage of adopters, it might be good not to put anyone off at the first hurdle if they might in time, with some research and adjustment, make a go of it.

I for one would definitely not try and put anyone off. However, given that OP cannot adopt a child older than her own (that's a blanket rule, applying to all adoption angecies, an out of birth order adoption will only happen in exceptional circumstances such as a fostering situation or relative adoption) she can't be put off it, and I think it's good to be very honest explaining why.

I also don't think being realistic and honest will put off someone who is determined to adopt! Nothing ayone said to me would have stopped me going forwards.

To say that all older children are traumatised and will have some issues is simply the honest truth of the matter. I've found adoption to be very rewarding, but I've also found parenting to be very very challenging at times. Being misleading about it might stop people being 'put off' but at the same time isn't helpful

I also think if you've never had experience with the care system or foster or adoption, it's easy to be naive about the childrens needs.

moldingsunbeams I think I've heard part of your story before. Was angry but not surprised SS witheld information about sexual abuse/HIV. They conveniently forgot to tell me lots of pertinent information about my eldest daughter too

I'm sure some people would look at my posts over the years here and my childrens issues and deicde that I'm their idea of a 'horror story' or 'doom and gloom'. I'm the kind of adopter a few prospective adopters (NOT talking about OP) hold up as 'please tell me not all adopted children are like THAT'

Makes me really

Thank you all, especially MrsDeVere, moldingsunbeams, Lilka and others. I have had a read back through, and taking on board what the adoptive parents and foster carers/foster siblings, and children who have been in care have said

WhatTheHellIsHappening -thank you for sharing your story and explanations of sexualised behaviour etc. I'm sorry that happened to you, I think it's very brave to share for other people's benefit

I'm still thinking about adopting, but a younger child, since that's the child we would be allowed to adopt

When you say the child gets matched to the parent, how do they decide which parent?

And is it true there are very few babies, or are therecquite a few, just more older children?