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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a bit of an arsehole? (Charity shop donation theft)

113 replies

MarmaladeBatkins · 27/11/2013 13:03

Well, kind of.

A few days ago, I had a clear-out and bagged up two black bags full of my old clothes/scarves/bags. Most were decent items and there were a few not-so-good items (still very sellable) such as trackie tops/plain t-shirts/jeggings.

My mother turned up and saw the bags and said "Ooh, what are you throwing out?" I said "I'm not throwing anything out, I'm giving some stuff to the charity shop." Then, without asking, she said "I'll have a look through and see if there's anything Margaret (name changed) would like." I stood open-mouthed as she rifled through the bags for Margaret, took all the good stuff out, put the less-good stuff back in and announced that she would take them for Margaret. Shock I said "Margaret isn't going to wear any of that, you're just taking it because it's free." She said that Margaret would wear them and in any case, Margaet didn't have many clothes. Hmm

So I let her have them. Then I found an extra dress (a fringed '20s style dress that I bought for a themed party!) and shoved that in too. Mother saw and when I went into the kitchen, she took it out, inspected it, and threw it onto Margaret's pile. I said that I'd seen her and to put it back. I said "Now I KNOW you're taking stuff for the hell of it! Where is Margaret going to wear that?!" She did a sad face and put it back.

I feel pissed off about it but I don't know if AIBU on the basis that Margaret, who apparently has very little clothes, has had them and that I was getting rid of them anyway.

AIBU?

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 27/11/2013 13:06

Who is Margaret?

Unexpected · 27/11/2013 13:06

Who's Margaret? A friend of your mum's?

LineRunner · 27/11/2013 13:06

I need to know much, much more about Margaret.

5Foot5 · 27/11/2013 13:07

Is Margaret a friend? A relative? Is she very hard up?

I don't think YABU. Maybe you should suggest Margaret/your Mum makes a donation to the charity in lieu of the goods

MrsRajeshKoothrappali · 27/11/2013 13:09

I expect Margaret sells stuff on eBay.

You're not an arsehole. It's the same as wanting to donate a tenner to charity but her taking it to buy Margaret a naice dinner because Margaret doesn't have many naice dinners.

Or maybe she just can't help but accept free stuff. DP can be a bit like this, unable to turn anything free down.

spookySwitched · 27/11/2013 13:10

I think yabu. You are giving them away, your mum has said Margaret needs them, so what's the problem (unless Margaret is going to sell them).

StrawberryGashes · 27/11/2013 13:11

Your mum is being very unreasonable, and so rude!

HarrietJonesPM · 27/11/2013 13:11

Imagining Margaret as Mums alterego hence the fringed dress

LittleTulip · 27/11/2013 13:11

Is Margaret really your mum?

MelanieCheeks · 27/11/2013 13:11

Meh, I usually let friends or family have a rifle through my charity shop bags to see if there's anything they want first. Why is it making you feel so pissed off?

Original poster
MarmaladeBatkins · 27/11/2013 13:12

Oh sorry, I meant to say, Margaret is one of my mother's friends. Blush

OP posts:
HectorVector · 27/11/2013 13:14

Another poster wondering Margaret is. I think you are being a little bit unreasonable, if Margaret is family or a friend then I don't see te problem in her having them but having said that your MIL was rude to be so assuming.

Original poster
MarmaladeBatkins · 27/11/2013 13:14

"Why is it making you feel so pissed off?"

Because I think that it's potentially taken away around £40 from a charity that I had chosen to donate to and given to Margaret (who is solvent, BTW. Has a house, car, is going on a month's holiday to Australia) because my mother has decided that her friend doesn't have enough clothes.

OP posts:
cantthinkofagoodone · 27/11/2013 13:17

Just be more assertive if you don't like it.

'Mum, these are a charity donation. Maggie can buy them from the Charity shop if she wants them'

No need to be in a huff.

Ragwort · 27/11/2013 13:18

I can sort of see your point, and am reminded that I met a friend on a way to a charity shop once, I jokingly said 'can I have a look', she let me and I found a couple of lovely tops which she said I could keep .... I did then ask her which shop they were going to and made a donation to that charity.

If 'Margaret' was genuinely hard up then fair enough, but it sounds as though she has enough money to buy her own clothes and your mother is interfering.

Gruntfuttock · 27/11/2013 13:20

I conpletely understand why you are so pissed off - now I know who Margaret is and that she doesn't need any of that stuff. I wonder how she would react to your mother giving her your second-hand clothes anyway, given that she's far from hard-up.

cozietoesie · 27/11/2013 13:21

Is your MIL a hoarder by any chance? Because that sounds like hoarder behaviour with 'Margaret' just an excuse.

Original poster
MarmaladeBatkins · 27/11/2013 13:21

I just think it was a bit piss-takey.

If she'd just said "Can I take one or two tops for Margaret?" I'd have probably said "Go for it" but it was the helping herself and taking almost everything in there.

Oh and I took our old DVD player and my mother was wracking her brains trying to think who she could give it to! I told her to pack it in at that point.

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 27/11/2013 13:21

Margaret is clearly Wendy's mother.

Famzilla · 27/11/2013 13:21

A friend went through something similar recently. She is Filipino and left for the Philippines last week to visit family (planned visit - they were not affected by the disaster). A friend of hers gave her some money (£120) to "give to a charity out there who helps people affected by the storm".

My friend decided she was going to give the money to her dad to help rebuild his roof, which had been damaged by a small hurricane a couple of weeks before. (He didn't need the money, my friend sends back over £1,000 a month and they live very well) Her argument was "it's still helping someone ", even though it wasn't who the original giver intended and she wasn't happy about it and actually asked for the money back so she could donate it to a proper charity. Which I think is fair enough.

Why couldn't you just ask for your things to be left alone? It's not theft if you stand by and watch her take it.

CoffeeTea103 · 27/11/2013 13:22

Your intention was to donate, which you have done. The next persons charity needs is something you won't know in detail. Yabu to be upset with your mother. I offer my stuff to people I know first anyway.

Unexpected · 27/11/2013 13:22

I think you should have said a firm NO to your mum. Your mum may think that Margaret doesn't have enough clothes, Margaret, on the other hand, will probably be mightily pissed off when your mum turns up with a bag of clothes on her doorstep, which she doesn't want.

cozietoesie · 27/11/2013 13:22

Sorry - your mother and not your MIL.

GoodbyeRubyTuesday · 27/11/2013 13:24

It's your stuff until you've donated it so if you didn't want her to take it then she is rude to have done so. Although if I were you I would've just said no. It's a bit of a coincidence that Margaret only needed the nicer clothes.

RandallFloyd · 27/11/2013 13:25

I wouldn't worry

Beryl and Jean in the chazzer shop are going to give you the stink eye when you take what's left of in anyway Wink